How Would that Benefit Me?

I mentioned last month something I learned from a therapist.

I have shared a few things from watching a therapist on a tv show, too. I just love when hearing a sentence really resonates with me, surprises me, or helps me.

And I'm going to share another one today.

A friend of mine goes to a masseuse regularly and she confided she kind of gets a therapy session while she's there because her masseuse gives great advice.

I completely agree with her advice for my friend about how to deal with people you don't get along with, especially after this story that I'm about to share with you.

My friend struggled a lot with a co-worker that she did not get along with. The co-worker took a lot of things wrong, assumed the worst, and they didn't really get along.

The co-worker recently left the company after about 20+ years there. My friend felt some relief that she was gone, even though deep down inside she felt a little guilty about having those feelings.

She told her therapist a couple of weeks later, err, I mean told her masseuse, that she felt like reaching out to this girl to see how she was doing.

And her masseuse replied (omg check this out!), "How will that benefit you?"

I immediately reacted with shock and fascination with her question. I thought it was quite beautiful and extremely smart. My friend agreed.

After a long pause from my friend, the masseuse then asked, "And how are you going to feel if she doesn't respond to your text? What if she doesn't reply to you?"

Which I also thought was a great question!  But it was the first question that was pretty profound for me.

So, what did my friend do?  Although she really did want to reach out to her and see how she was doing, those great questions made her realize that it was probably best to leave the ex-coworker alone. The co-worker didn't like her much nor get along with her, so she may not have even replied, which would have hurt my friend.

I think she made the right decision.

Let's go back to he question. Think about something that you might want to do that you are already wondering if you should or not because the person you are dealing with has been rude to you or is mean to you. Then ask yourself, "How would that benefit me?"

I think that question will help a lot of us!

When Others Remember my Mom

One of the things that I believe I'm scared of the most is my Mom being forgotten. If you truly think about it, I might be the last person who will be the one who will keep her memory alive.

That's why it truly, deeply, hard-core means the world to me when my Mom is thought of by others.

On her deathversary, August 21st of this year, I was a MESS.  I thought I would be okay, and I was not.

And here comes Betsy to ease some of my pain!

I wrote about Betsy before, who came into my life on my birthday two years ago, which is another tough day without my Mom. She is the high school friend of my Mom and kinda now the spokesperson for the group to me.

On August 21st, I received an email from her that said:

"Just thought you’d like to see what some of your mom’s classmates look like now!

Nikki Downs Hathaway has a home on the shore of Lake Ontario at Chaumont. A bunch of us gathered there last Thursday afternoon.  Everyone brought something for the picnic and we had a beautiful summer day to visit her there. "

Of course, I don't really know what they looked like in high school, but it's still cool to see a group of my Mom's friends. And to receive the email on her deathversary, was again very momentous for me!  Check them out below!

A week or so later, my friend Courtney sent me this:

Most people don't even know my Mom's first name, (she has always been simply "Mom" to all my friends) so for Courtney to remember her first name meant the world to me. 

I literally burst into tears.

And... Mom is not only saying hi to me through my dreams and seeing cardinals, but through my friends, too!

Another reason this touches me is because it's obvious Courtney truly recognizes how much my Mom means to me.  That is immeasurable.

Therapist Time

I mentioned in my previous blog post that I am seeing a therapist.

I am not shy to admit such things at all; nothing wrong with getting help, right?!

And what's super cool about this is, I noticed a few months ago how my two-week-long reaction to a situation made me realize I was still having some issues I couldn't control that I wanted to work on. And I therefore I wanted to seek some help.

For me, that is actually REALLY huge.

There has been one other time in my life where I sought therapy because I knew I needed help. I had just gone through a severe bout of deep depression, and one day I just simply said, "Man, I need some help."

I can't begin to explain why all the other bouts of severe depression didn't kick my butt to go see a therapist or seek help, but for some reason that severe depression episode when I was 35 years old just made me want to.

This most recent instance of not being in control scared me. I didn't like how I reacted to a potentially high-stress situation coming up at work. And because of that, I wanted to look into what was going on with me and therefore researched therapists who might be able to help me.

Again, I can't begin to explain why this particular situation led me to want to seek help, when in the past I've experienced very similar episodes and didn't even consider looking into help. Maybe I just have more self awareness in my life now for some reason?

My therapist and I have chatted about 4 times now and I have another session this week.

I am so thankful I reached out to someone. I am actually really proud of myself! And I'm smiling as I type this.

Btw, I am discovering that I need to instill coping strategies when I feel or experience fear/stress/anxiety. This takes a huge amount of self reflection that I actually really like! I am not yet utilizing all my coping strategies or skills, but just knowing when I should or realizing I'm feeling a certain way is a huge step for me. (more smiling!)

Good Friends, Different Levels in Life

I think you all know that I love learning new things. And when something amazing catches my ears, I like to share it via my blog so we can smile together.

I heard this from a therapist the other day. I actually thought she was going to say something else and she completely surprised me. 

I divulged to my therapist (that's what we do with them, right? lol) that I was afraid a friend of mine would not understand that I have some stress and anxiety about an event coming up. The therapist tried to tell me that's it's okay that my life has changed and this is something that I just don't feel comfortable doing anymore. The therapist told me, "We have to live in our own truth."  You would think that statement (we have to live in our own truth) was the epiphany moment. 

It wasn't.  Sure, it was also powerful (right?!), but so was something more.

When I expressed I didn't think my friend would understand my emotions, the therapist responded... "Then she's not on the same level as you."

Thought for sure she was going to say, "then she's not a good friend because she doesn't understand."  Instead she threw me completely off! And I loved what she said. And she is 100 percent correct: sometimes we just aren't on the same level.

Some friends will make judgment of our decisions and may be hurt and or upset at us. But if we realize they're just not at the same level as we are right now, then hopefully deep down we understand their feelings. 

But her choice of words was impactful to me. Friends can be great friends, and throughout life, especially as we all experience different things and or mature at a different rate and/or experience learning experiences at different times in our lives or whatever - that's okay, right? Yes! And this understanding will help our relationship with them.

I really loved it!  

Don't you all love learning with me too??

Saturday Morning Beauty

The birds are so talkative; chirping and sharing differently, yet beautifully in their own pitches, tones, rhythms.

There's at least five different birds chirping.

If you listen closely, it's like a song. A song from God.

It's a Saturday morning (see my Instagram post from June 8, 2019, the day I wrote all these words in my notebook) . Not a cloud in the sky.

Was hoping a bird would stop by, land on top of the wooden fence, and then what do you know! A beautiful cardinal stopped to say hello!

Just in time to snap this blurry photo.

Cardinals always remind me of my Mom, and I know that it is a sign that she is thinking of me and loves me.

I don't smoke or drink coffee or have to let my dog out to go pee (she has a doggy door). So, the reason to step outside on this beautiful morning was a choice; a beautiful choice I might add.

It wasn't out of necessity.  Makes me wonder, of all the people who have to go outside to smoke their morning cigarette or drink their coffee away from a sleeping house, or let the puppy out, do they look around? Or are they being busy on their phones and not even glancing up from the small screen in their hand?

Or are they taking in the amazing sounds and feeling the amazement of life by looking around?

Do they see the sunrise of raw beauty?   Do they feel the crispness of the air?  Do they feel the overwhelming warmth of love, just by being outside and realizing how blessed we are?

Minute of My Thoughts - Caring

I shared yesterday this Minute with Maxwell leadership tip about Caring. Watch the short minute video clip here.

It doesn't just resonate with leadership, but also for me right now about my personal life. "Caring" is probably that "thing" that rears it's head sometimes directly related to my childhood.

I think what I wish for most is for someone who not only cares about me, but also shows me they care. And also remembers me on certain days.

Heck, maybe all females are like this? Heck, maybe all humans want this. But with no family left who might have been that person for me, and no friends who do this, it just makes the desire even stronger, I guess.

I don't dwell on it or let it get me down (I have too many blessings I'm grateful for!). It's simply just a fact I live with.

Not the end of the world, either. Plus, I know many of my friends care about me and think of me, but they have their own lives to live; and that's how it should be!

I learned recently not to get hurt over those things. Otherwise, I will just lose more friends. So, instead, I just don't take it personal or let the hurt get too strong.

I did look at Lily last weekend and start sobbing.... my heart was full of such deep love!.... knowing and feeling she unconditionally loves me and shows me she cares about me all the time. She really rescued me! She's been truly the most amazing blessing for me. I cry with her sometimes because I can feel how close we are and that we love each other.

I think this "caring thing" is more of just a beautiful wish that someday a guy might be in my life and show me they care, tell me they think of me, and reach out to me on certain days (good or tough).

And I'm okay with that.

I have been blessed to even know what this feels like - several ex boyfriends had been like this in the beginning of our relationship.

Minute with Melinda

Minute with Maxwell - Caring

There is this Leadership Series called "Minute with Maxwell" where you can sign up to receive short leadership video topics from John Maxwell.  Literally a minute or less videos.

One of the top supervisors in my office who I highly respect forwards out the videos/topics of the ones he really likes, and I have saved all the ones that have really touched my leadership bone and got my excited.

Today's minute is about Caring.  Pretty powerful, helpful, for leaders:




It really is only about a minute long, so check it out.

When you walk into a room full of strangers...

I love it when people surprise me, especially when it's the complete opposite of my thinking or characteristic. And even more so when it's kind of shocking to me.

A colleague from another office was visiting my work and I stopped by her temporary office to see how her day went.

We got to talking about all sorts of things.  At some point we started to talk about going out.

And she shared something so amazing, I couldn't wait to write it here on my blog to share with others.

She basically said she loves going to parties or functions or situations where she doesn't know a single person! She actually loves to enter a room full of people she doesn't know, so she can talk to them and get to know them!

It was pretty foreign to my ears; I had never heard of such a thing in my life!

Sure, I've heard extroverts state they are comfortable in situations where they don't know anyone. But to say you get excited walking into a room of strangers because you can't wait to get to know all of them, was actually quite shocking and amazing, but also beautiful and impressive!

I shared this with a top leader here at my office who is an extrovert and even he was impressed/surprised by her comment.  It's pretty unusual, but also pretty cool thinking, huh?!

Now, calm down, peeps.  Please don't think that this is something I will become lol.  I am an introvert around people I don't know, but it's still pretty amazing of her and also gives us another perspective of how to look at a room full of strangers. 

Valuable Quotes About Death

I have run across a few quotes recently that were so impactful to me, I am excited to share them.

I am hopeful these will help others as they deal with the death of loved ones.

I was watching a tv show called "The Therapist" on the Vice channel. It has a therapist on the show (Dr. Siri Sat Nam Singh) and he talks to famous musicians who are in need of help. We get to listen in as he gives them advice; we learn and get help in return, too.

Two things Dr. Singh said on one episode really hit home:

He said it's normal to sometimes not want to stop grieving; it feels like a disservice to let them go.

WOW! How powerful and so true! I think that's one of the main reasons I grieved for so long for my Mom - I felt like that indicated I didn't miss her anymore. But he said it better, "It feels like a disservice to let them go."

And just a few breaths later he shared this about his own Mom, "But I feel my Mother is still serving me."

OMG, that is so wonderful! I don't pine over the loss of my Mom anymore, but this is still a powerful statement and reminder. It seems obvious now as I type it out, but to hear his words was so much more powerful and makes great sense.

The other was a comment I heard as shared to me from a friend of a Mother who's daughter passed away in her late teens from brain cancer. The Mom said, "My daughter felt that she accomplished what she came here to accomplish , and it was time to go back home."

How amazing for such a young person to have this insight, thought, and heart. I was shocked. Amazed. Still am as I type this. Who thinks this way? Very admirable.

Great Quote/Reminder about Living in the Present

I keep this small, but powerful, daily meditation book handy in my house, and I read it pretty often, "Just For Today."

It's from NA, not AA, but of course the lessons are the same for any addiction. The full title is "Just for Today: Daily Meditations for Recovering Addicts by Narcotics Anonymous World Services"

I love picking it up and searching for the current date and then absorbing that days' words.

What I want to share today is the helpful words from the page for January 19th.  The title immediately grabbed me and impacted me:

"When we stop living in the here and now, our problems become magnified unreasonably."

It's so true, right?!

I just loved that sentence so much - it is worded (to me personally) in such a very powerful way. I actually have a to-do note to print this quote and put it on my bathroom mirror as a great every morning reminder!

And I'm sharing this several months later because I really need to listen to these words this week, as my mind is racing about future unknowns at work and I'm getting depressed about it. Already helping!

Here is the full page:

Making mountains into molehills, January 19

"When we stop living in the here and now, our problems become magnified unreasonably."
Basic Text, p. 99

Some of us seem to make mountains out of molehills with our problems. Even those of us who've found some measure of serenity have probably blown a problem far out of proportion at some time in our recovery and if we haven't done so yet, we probably will before long!

When we find ourselves obsessed with a complication in our lives, we will do well to sharply remind ourselves of all that is going right. Perhaps we're afraid we won't be able to pay our bills for the month. lnstead of sitting at the calculator, adding our financial liabilities over and over, we can take stock of our efforts to reduce expenses. Following this mini-inventory, we continue with the task at hand and remind ourselves that as long as we are doing the footwork, a loving Higher Power will care for our lives.

Mountain-sized problems happen sometimes, but we don't need to create them. Trust in a loving God of our understanding will put most of our problems in their proper perspective. We no longer need to create chaos to feel excited about our lives. Our recovery gives us countless real-life opportunities for excitement and drama.


Just for today: I will take a realistic look at my problems and see that most of them are minor. I will leave them that way and enjoy my recovery.

High School YearBook Thoughts

As I've mentioned a few times, I am de-cluttering my house. Honestly, decluttering like never before! I'm really enjoying it.

A couple of months ago I came across my yearbooks from high school. I found my name in two of them and there are a few pictures of me - mostly in group photos and also my yearbook photo.

I decided I was going to recycle them - no reason to keep them.

I happened to mention this to a friend at work and she was very surprised. So, I asked her had she kept all her yearbooks (she's only 10 years older), and she exclaimed, "Absolutely! I look through them often."

Wow, was I surprised, as here I was ready to throw mine out the upstairs window like a hawk eyeing it's prey, into the recycle bin.

She couldn't believe I wanted to recycle mine.

I tried to explain I didn't feel the need to keep them.

I mean, there were all these comments from classmates who wrote very nice things about me. Yet, I honestly didn't recognize or remember one person as I read a few of them. Additionally, did they really know me back then? Hell, I didn't even know myself back then. Further, I would rather hear from people that are in my life now or from people that I at least remember lol.

She asked me, "I love going through my yearbooks. You don't go through your yearbooks from highschool?"

"Uh, no."

I can't even remember the last time I opened them up - I'm guessing over twenty years ago, in my 20s.

I was really surprised to hear she reminisced about high school.

But then she shared some insight and it became obvious why:

She was a popular student in high school and also from a small town!  Well, no wonder her high school years where more memorable!  Further, she still keeps in touch with a lot of those people and they are all still friends.

Here's comes Miss Opposite: There were 650 people in my graduating class alone. It was a large high school and while I remember getting along with everyone, I don't recall being one of the "popular" kids (I can't even remember if there were popular kids, lol). I can only remember two names from high school and that's because I'm still friends with them today, lol. Further, the last thing I ever wanted to do was go to any high school reunion. That proves how little interest I had about my high school years.

I just don't really think about that time in my life.

I presume this sentiment is common if high school wasn't memorable?

Affection Towards Others

This may seem obvious, but I'm going to say it anyway: People show love and/or affection with different intensities.

My Mom and Real Dad got divorced when I was seven years old.  While I saw my Dad literally only a couple of times from seven to eleven years old, I really didn't know him or see him again for 25 years.

We saw each other again when I was 35 years old. By this time, in all honesty, he was a stranger to me. But I suppose in his mind I was the same person he knew and loved 25-30 years ago - sure I was an adult, but still his child that he loved dearly.

But again - I didn't know the man or remember him from when I was a baby or child. But he knew me, of course, and had all these loving memories from when I was born up to seven years old.

We ended up becoming very close again and spoke often; I was very blessed he was back in my life and he felt the same about me being back in his life.

My Dad shared with me one time that he saw affection often growing up by his parents. He described how he would see them in the kitchen and his Dad would come up behind his Mom while doing dishes and he would wrap his arms around her and hug her from behind. So, my Dad was naturally an affectionate person because he was raised in that kind of environment and witnessed it as he grew up.  Therefore, throughout his life, he showed affection to people he cared about (me, his wives, close friends and their children, etc).

But when we met up for the first time in 25 years, he's his normal self, showing me affection (hugs and holding my hands or arm around me) because he cares about me and loves me.  Yet I didn't reciprocate because I didn't really know him.  Plus, and maybe more so, I didn't grow up in a super affectionate household. I mean, my parents and I showed affection towards each other, but it wasn't as he described.

Some people are just more affectionate and others just simply aren't. This is directly related to how someone is brought up. For instance, one of my girlfriends came from a large family with lots of nieces and nephews and babies, so there was a lot of hugging and showing affection among the family.

But you look at me, someone who's an only child, with no babies or children around (cousins, nieces, and nephews etc) and I don't show my affection as easily. I mean, for sure I was affectionate with my parents and boyfriends, don't think I'm a cold slab of a woman. I'm just not really a touchy person to people I don't know or don't feel love towards.

So when my friend would maybe put her arm around my waist or her hand on my knee, it made me feel a little funny because I didn't grow up that way. But she did grow up that way - so in her view of things, that was normal to touch other humans she cared for.

As difficult it is for me to admit this, I actually talked with my Dad about this. I explained that him showing me so much affection actually made me feel uncomfortable. I'm sure it hurt his feelings, but when someone is hugging you a lot that you don't know it makes you feel uncomfortable, right? And while he felt he knew me and he was trying to probably turn back the clock and also make up for lost time and was so happy I was back in his life, in my eyes he was a stranger trying to always put his arms around me.

I still love him with all my might and he still loved me. Luckily my admission didn't hurt our relationship, and he said he completely understood. Whew. But I didn't want to avoid him because I felt uneasy, so I decided to admit my uneasiness with him.

And of course as we grew closer, I felt more and more comfortable around him because our love deepened so quickly; it was just in the beginning it was awkward for me.

But people just don't show love the same way.

And that's okay.

 

Otter Love

I have a bucket list.

There are really only two things on that bucket list.

When I was in middle school, one of the substitute teachers said we should write goals. So I wrote down three goals. One was to save $25 a month and the other was to see the aurora borealis, ie the northern lights. I don't remember what the third one was, lol.

So, imagine my surprise when I graduated college and got my first paycheck - I set up an automatic transfer of $25 into a savings account! Item number one already accomplished!

Of course throughout the years I've increased that amount (and also increased the number of savings accounts money goes to, lol), so I have far exceeded that initial goal.

The second one, to see the northern lights, I have not done yet. I hope someday to maybe take an Alaskan cruise in honor of my Mom, and at the same time fill one of her bucket list items (to see whales) and also mine (to see the aurora borealis). How cool would that be?

I would say the other thing I added to my bucket in the last 5 years or so was to swim with otters.

I found a place in Oklahoma that you could do that, but I was never able to get there. Last year I found a spot in Galveston, Texas, but didn't get there either. And then one day in January I saw an ad on Facebook that they had an "otter experience" at an aquarium-type place - that was literally about 10 miles from my house.

While the aquarium-type place was literally in a mall, I was still excited.

However, there was no swimming. there was no holding the otter in my arms like I imagined, etc. I was disappointed in the "experience," and I still some day hope to actually somehow swim with otters, but my great friend Janet and I did get to hang out in a large caged-in area with an otter for about an hour! We watched it play with rocks, it roll colored rocks on my boots, and it played with its friend, Ernie.

xxxx

I had imagined there would be more otters and more interactive, but it turns out this was a rescue otter and he wasn't yet acclimated for humans to even pick him up. But it was still cool to know I completed an item I had been thinking about for years from my bucket list. And the otter really took a liking to me, like he knew just how important our meeting was!

Here is a video of him rolling a rock on my boots!

If I was to ever be able to come back as an animal, it would be an otter. They get to swim all day, are very curious, are very smart, they're very loving to their families, and they seem to have fun all day long! And I see myself as enjoying that kind of life. Who wouldn't want to float on their backs and swim all day long with loved ones?

It's actually very weird to fulfill a bucket list item, I guess because it was on there for so long, so therefore it meant the world to me! And I was lucky that my friend Janet was able to join me and share the memory.

There are other things in the last few years I have wanted to do/experience (maybe yearned to do). So, I have added them to my bucket list.  (smile)

Green Book Quote about Writing

I finally was able to watch the movie Green Book.  Not in a movie theater, but luckily on my flight to Miami, FL for work last week.

I really enjoyed the movie - it was well told and the acting and story line were great.

At one point in the movie, one of the characters says something that gave me an aha moment, and I rewound it a few times to write down exactly what I heard (instead of my interpretation), as I truly loved what he said.  And I want to share it and also capture it here in my blog for reference.  It was pretty profound for me for some reason, and also a great reminder.

There are two main characters. I well-polished black man (Dr. Don Shirley) who is a musician being driven across the South to play at certain venues by a rugged New Yorker (Tony Lip).  

Tony's wife begs him to write letters to her while he is traveling, and so he tries.  Sitting at the table above, they have this convo (shortened by me):

Dr. Don Shirley reads out loud part of the letter Tony is writing for his wife: 

Dr. Don Shirley: “As I’m writing this letter, I’m eating potato chips, and I’m starting to get thirsty. I washed my socks and dried them on the TV. I should have brung the iron.” 

[to Tony]

Dr. Don Shirley: You know this is pathetic, right?

Dr. Don Shirley: Tell me what you’re trying to say.

Tony Lip: I don’t know. You know, how I miss her and shit.

Dr. Don Shirley says in a very poignant and sincere voice: Then say that, but do it in a manner that no one else has ever done it before (and without the profanity).

I can't begin to express how those words in bold impacted me. I shared it immediately with a friend who is a writer and I told her the quote on the way home from the airport. 

It has already helped me a little bit to carefully choose better words when I write, or maybe explain something more (or less), or maybe take more time with what exactly I'm trying to say.  

Do it in a manner that no one else has ever done before.

WOW!

And of course this advice can be applied to many aspects of life, not just writing.

Birthday Wish

For one of my birthday dinners last month, I went to P.F. Changs with one of my besties, Court.

Right before I blew out my candle on the cute little cupcake they brought me, I made a wish. I wished simply for "happiness."

About 15 minutes later the waiter put about 4-5 fortune cookies on the table. I let Courtney choose hers first, and then I chose one. And this is what it said:

:)

Upset I Was a Hoarder

I'm going through my house with a fine-toothed comb.

And now I've decided I'm going to join the chaos and be a part of the neighborhood garage sale coming up in May.

I've done this twice before and each time I told myself I would never do this again. But, because I'm de-cluttering like never before, I still have more things that I can try to sell for pennies. What I don't sell I will donate.

However, as I'm decluttering so thoroughly this time, I'm actually wondering why I'm doing this. Part of me thinks I'm doing this because I don't want to leave someone else with a huge mess to have to deal with. That may seem like a normal thing to think about except there's no one in my life that I would leave these things to.

I'm kinda wondering does this all mean it's like an omen or something, like is something going to happen to me? Am I sort of getting prepared? Yes, I mean for death.

Anyway...

I can say the one thing major thing I've learned from this detailed decluttering is: I'm sick to my stomach about what a hoarder I am. At this point, I could care less what the reasons were, I'm just so sick about how many duplicate items I have in my house!

I mean, I knew my parents were hoaders and so it makes sense I have about 20 pairs of scissors and 20 pairs of nail clippers and things like that that I brought from their house to my house. But it's the other things that I bought myself that's just seriously have me disgusted with myself about.

I have about 20 small bottles of baby powder. I have jeans, sweaters, and pants for work that still have tags on them.

I probably have 30 different colors of brow pencils and eyeshadow. Oh and 30 different types of mascara!

OMG....

I find when I go to shop now that I definitely do not buy as much now as I used to and I am much MUCH more cognizant. Because going through a two-story house and seeing just how many duplicates of $hit I have and how ludicrous it is, that is helping me from spending unnecessary money (finally).

So while the revelation is a good thing, I still hits my heart pretty brutal and my mind is confused that I could buy so many duplicates of things (just because I thought something might run out or the manufacturer might stop making it).

I also have I think about 50 different colored pillow cases, 3 dozen towels that I don't use, and lots of blankets that my parents had for some reason.  I also have literally over 200 magazines.  I already donated a bunch about 8 years ago, but will be making another donation soon to the hospital.

I have so many things I'm donating to the women shelters and animal shelters and hospitals, but it's just so many of those things that just amazes me I have in my house from my parents' house that have KEPT all these years. Really, Melinda?! 
I've been through parts of my house several times and each time I find more things do donate or get rid of (or now get ready for the garage sale). It's like I go through an area and declutter, but when I come back around to it a few weeks or couple of months later, I realize I can downsize even more.

I'm actually going to probably sell half the furniture in my house in the garage sale. There's really no reason for it - I live alone. And I like the idea of SEEING less clutter and things in my house. A friend of mine (MM) turned me on to that and I have really embraced it.

Of course, I know as soon as I donate or sell some things I'm going to need it. That's the way things go right?

I'm proud of myself for not hoarding anymore, and I know that's a positive... just really mortified and ashamed about it.

I do have a fear, though. I'm actually thoroughly enjoying decluttering and going through every inch of my house. At some point, though, that will end and will not be needed anymore, as I wont have anything left to go through.

I am spending quite a bit of time doing this - so after the garage sale I will need to find something else that keeps me busy that will fill my happiness gene.

Helpful Grief Class

Went to a Grief Class last night, second in four weeks. This series of classes was only 4 nights, and last night was the final one. Several of us expressed we wish there were more nights! 

I fully admit I should have gone to Grief Classes or sought help after the loss of my Mom and also after both my Dads. It would have helped my heart, mind, and soul. At least I figured out after Dave passed I needed to get help because his loss was tough on me, so all is not lost. 

This is also my way of suggesting to seek help to those that have lost a loved one, without telling you to actually do it. I didn't listen to this advice before, either, so I actually completely understand if you ignore me.  

This Grief Class has been so amazingly helpful. If I think about it, it's actually been a safe sanctuary. It's been a blessing and comfort I can speak what is in my heart and what is hurting, and yet no one in the room judges me or tries to change my mind about what I was feeling. 

We are all going through the same thing and can relate so deeply to what we each share. It's been a comfort to be accepted for who I am, what I am going through, and what I feel...instead of people trying to convince me I should think or feel different.

P.S. If you go to a Grief Class, I applaud your bravery! Second, if you don't like it, please try another class. There really are some very beautiful ones out there that are more helpful than others.

My Real Dad's Love

When your parents get divorced at 7 years old and you live with your Mother and never see your Dad, you wonder your whole life if your Dad loved you, missed you, thought about you, cared about you.

This was me.

When I was in my teens, any correspondence with my Real Dad upset my Mom badly - to the point she would leave work crying. I made a conscious decision to stop talking to him until I left the house. I just couldn't put my Mom through that anymore. 

Life would go by with very few cards or calls between us even after I left the house, but a quarter of a centruy later (when I was 35 years old), we finally reconnected and we saw each other for the first time in 25 years. Then, we talked or emailed or sent cards much more frequently.  

All through those 25 years, though, my heart wondered if he missed me, thought about me, loved me, talked about me? Even after we reconnected, I still didn't truly know how he felt about me. Sure, he told me he loved me a lot, and just by the sound of his voice I could feel how much he loved me when he said the words (it was actually truly magical), but I didn't really know the truth depth of that love.

Now, though, I know.

His wife, Henna, was telling me again just last night that he talked about me all the time, almost every single day. He expressed to her all the time how much he loved me and missed me. My Dad passed away 4 years ago, and she brings up almost every time we talk just how much he expressed all the time how much loved and missed me. I think it's important to her to make sure I know. 

It makes me cry to know this now. After 25 years wondering if he thought of me or missed me (his only child), turns out he did. I just didn't know it; I had no idea.

It doesn't take away the pain, but it sure means the world to me to know this now. 

Lunch with an Angel

I had lunch with an Angel Monday.

Seriously!

I wrote about this Angel back in May. She was the lady who happened to be in the hallway in hospice literally right after Dave passed away, who helped me with her comforting and understanding hugs and words.

I had wanted for months to try and get together with her so I could find out more about her and be around someone who was so inspiring. Although it took us three tries to finally find a good time/date, we met up Monday.

The "lunch" ended up being a four hour amazing talk! It was truly incredible to catch up with her and to also be able to tell her in person how deeply she impacted me not just that day, but in the months since. We got to know each other and share! It was so beautiful.

At one point, she asked about Dave and also how I was doing since he passed. I started to cry, as no one has asked about Dave in so long nor asked how I have been doing because I lost one of my best friends.

Her spirit and perspective about life and living was powerful for me to hear. And she agrees with my one of my purposes in life (ironically similar to hers) to help others cope with death or prepare for death.

She has such great wisdom, a lot of experience to share, and a way of looking at things that is truly encouraging and enlightening. We are to meet up again in a few months and I already can't wait!

I wrote about her heaven experience and the consequence of her impact on me at this link. I highly recommend a few minutes to read what happened to her.

Short Term Care-Giving Idea

I took care of my Mom for 5 years, I "took care" (ie. led and ran) the Omega Billiards Tour for 6 years, and then I took care of my best friend Dave for two more years after that. Heck, I could throw in a couple of ex boyfriends in my 20s and 30s because I kinda took care of them, too, lol.

But, after Dave passed away last year, a couple of friends asked me, "So who are you taking care of now?" It kind of threw me off. I didn't know that's what I was suppose to do next was to take care of someone right away. Really?

I mean, yeah, sure, I take care of people sometimes when it's needed, but I don't see that as my duty in life. I don't understand why others think if I stop taking care of someone, that means it's time for me to now take care of someone new for the next few years.

Quite honestly, what I'm trying to do now is to take care of myself. I don't normally do that. I don't normally look after myself, because I'm taking care of others and I put myself on the backburner. So,

So, I guess the answer is the next person is: ME.

I mentioned the other day I wanted to start back having dinner with a girlfriend once a month, but you know there's other things I want to do with friends. It isn't just "dinner," it's spending time with them, maybe doing things they love or doing something for them or with them that doesn't always revolve around just eating out, but doing bonding things, more memorable things.

The reason I bring this up is I have decided that doing small acts of kindness would be better for my well-being. Taking care of someone for years is overwhelming, stressful, upsetting, depressing, and sometimes harmful to myself. Therefore, doing small acts of kindness for my friends (or strangers) is still helping others (my purpose in life), but on a much smaller scale so I'm not overburdened and overwhelmed.

And, I'll be able to help more people doing things this way! Further, I'll also be more effective. Caregiving for years takes a tole on my body, mind, and mental status. I can be more effective and have more energy for short-term help as opposed to years of help.

Here are some examples just from the Fall of 2018 where I have already started this:

A friend of mine likes cemeteries. She was literally on my list for about a year to surprise her and take her to the two oldest cemeteries in Fort Worth. I thought it would be thoughtful to do this with her because she really loves cemeteries.  We went to them one beautiful Saturday in October and spent nearly 5 hours just walking through them, catching up, and also of course reading tombstones and finding out about history.

Around that same time, I reached out to my friend Julie C to do something together. We ended up going to dinner and then to the Dallas Arboretum to see the 12 Days of Christmas. We are already planning to do other non-traditional "just dinner" things this upcoming year! But when I called Julie about doing something together, her response surprised me. She told me she was a little jealous I was going to dinner with other friends and wondered when she would get to do something with me.

You know, I hadn't thought before that people wanted to spend time with me, I simply wanted to spend time with them. I discovered this with my nail girl as well. I have been going to her for ten years and we are good friends. We were talking the other day about her next appointment and I discovered that she adds an extra 15 minutes to my appointment time so we have extra time to talk and catch up! I had no idea! Every one else gets a mere 45 minutes, but I get a full hour because she wants to spend more time with me. ME! I was tickled and surprised.

Another thing I did last year that was new and different was I reached out to a friend back in the Spring of 2018 and told her I'd like to do a photoshoot with her family (she and her husband have two small children). Photoshoots are tricky and you never really know if or how many photos will come out good or not. And being this would be my first true photoshoot, I was nervous but still excited to do this for them (and crossed my fingers some would turn out great).  Our schedules and/or weather on the weekends didn't work out and we actually didn't meet until October (crazy, I know). To make matters worse, the park I chose that morning turned out to be closed and I had to stressfully find another park very last minute that would hopefully still be good for a photoshoot. Luckily, I got about 50 really great photos out of the 800 I took! Whew!

In early December she sent me a message...she showed me her family Christmas card - I seriously started to immediately bawl. She used photos from the photoshoot for her card! I was so moved that something I helped with made such an impact. And, it turns out the delay in finding the perfect weather weekend was actually meant to be because she was able to use them for her Christmas card:

I have kinda always done sweet and thoughtful things for others, but now I want expand that and do things WITH others.  Making memories brings happiness, more than material things.  And this will be a form of short-term caregiving.

As I said before, caregiving takes a major toll on me, so, instead of taking care of someone for years at a time, this will be better for my well-being and soul.  I get to show friends I care by doing things with them, and still be able to fulfill my purpose in life:  helping others.