Before, Now This

Before:
Now This:

Before, the late nights were fun
Little did we know what could become.

The money we thought well spent
Now there is definitely less than a dent.

Mornings waking up, “what did I say?”
Productive and vibrant now every single day.

Laying in bed most of the morning
Getting up early, knowing a great day coming.

Hated not to remember convos
Now no conversations I forgo.

Hangovers became worse as years go on
Now starting every beautiful day at dawn.

No energy to pick up mess from night before
Now keep home and space clean and cared for.

No waking up in middle of night
Finally getting rest and now sleeping tight.

Spending money like it grows on trees
Now finances more at ease.

No more driving, risking lives
Always knowing your destination arrives.

Saying stupid shit, acting crazy
No more bad memory, instead happy.

Going to sleep already still drunk and dressed
Amazing feeling to wake up daily refreshed.

Depression and unhappiness is what we fear
But not drinking gives us much less tears.

Embarrassment and shamefulness is high
Laughter and happiness are no longer a lie.

Inner torture is so strong and tough to bear
We are so grateful we are no longer there.

Being scared and alone comes and goes
Now calm being with God out of the shadows.

Used to think that shots were our friend
What a joy to find out we no longer depend.

Every tough, dreadful morning would sting,
Now each day what a joy and our hearts sing.

The Dogears Have It

Now that my bowel movements have been regulated after my colonoscopy, the only time I get to dip into reading my hoard of stacked magazines is when I'm sitting in the sun or in the bathtub.  Both dependent on the season.

When I read something that intrigues me or aligns with my thoughts/ emotions/ feelings of that day, I will mark the page by folding down the top corner.  Usually it's only a singular (but in-depth) sentence out of a several-pages-long-article that can capture my feeling for that day.

Sometimes I will go back to that marked page a month or so later.  What touched my heart and mind is no longer there.  The person who I wanted to share that with is also gone, so I sadly unflip the corner and smooth out the crease.

If it's a sports related quote that I saved, I will always keep it so I can refer to it in my sports blog.  If it's something for me, to help me, or I learn from it, I mark it to hopefully blog about it later in this exact blog.

I can write a whole blog and reflect on one single sentence of an entire article.  I just love how that is even possible - to expand and want to talk more about just a few words.

Sometimes I stumble upon pages already dogearred.  These are folded by my Mom's very own fingers!  For when she read through the magazine over 6 years ago.  Almost 99% of the pages she marked are anti-wrinkle cream ads lol.  I sure do miss her.

Rich Dad, Poor Dad in Real Life

Great article that explains well the book Rich Dad, Poor Dad, from an NFL player that follows the advice:

https://finance.yahoo.com/news/nfl-player-lives-60-000-140000843.html

Delicate Mushroom

This huge mushroom was one of many splattered in my back yard.

I love how it's legs can't even be seen because it's growing beautifully and strong towards the sun.

The crisp blades of green grass seem to hold up the head, or are they caressing it gently like holding a baby carefully, not allowing it to touch the ground?

Although the sun has caused some damage to it's skin where you can see peeling, just like on a human:  the scars create a unique design and make this mushroom one-of-a-kind.

The mushroom is a palette of whites and browns, blended perfectly by God.

The goosebumps on the edges are scattered like small hairs on an arm.

One would never realize even studying the photo that it's actually a spongey-feeling if one was to risk interrupting the beauty to touch it.

The very top of the mushroom is like a separate mountain peaking out to say hello and thrive.  "Let me see, too!" it's suggesting.... as it also faces the warmth of the sun's rays.

Social Media Creates Pain

I am really seeing and deeply feeling how social media has helped develop non-personal connections.

No longer do we pick up the phone, call, or text someone when they are in need.  Instead, we just post on Facebook and think it's great and enough.

For those who have no one, you'd think FB would actually allow more connections.  However, all it really does is make one realize just how alone we really are in this big world.

August 2017 - It's Different

I normally abhor and try to avoid the month of August. It's the month of my Mom's Birthday and also her Deathversary. She was my everything, and I hers. This is the first time in 6 years (yes, seriously) that I am not dreading the month. I am finally in a decent place with my heart and soul that has peace and happiness. It doesn't mean I don't think of her or don't miss her, it means I have finally moved over the very tall, tough grief mountain. Often the last few months people have mentioned they haven't seen me this happy in a very long time. Makes me smile that it's noticeable. :) Because... I do finally feel it again; and it feels good. You see, when one is depressed and sad and grieving for so long, it's actually kinda scary and uncomfortable to be happy again. It feels so weird to even smile or laugh because we aren't used to that - because we've been depressed for so long, showing happiness is actually out of our comfort zone. So, to finally feel peace and be able to express through my life the blessings upon me, I am very grateful for.

I Love You, Mom!

Dallas Arboretum Visit

After living in DFW for 17 years, I finally visited the Dallas Arboretum!  I already can't wait to go back in the winter for their highly-recommended holiday light displays!

My friend Amanda and I went and I have to say I'm so glad I went with a friend who loved the scenery as much as I did!  And she would see things I didn't even notice, which was a joy to view her perspectives.

Here we are - took us about 1 minute to pose for a selfie as soon as we walked through the gates, because the row of amazingly beautiful pink flowers stopped us in our tracks:

Needed many collages from the Dallas Arboretum, WOW!   I couldn't possibly choose just 6 photos for one collage, because there were a TON of great shots from the beautiful gardens.   I'm speechless honestly.  But, here is a fun one first, that makes me smile and laugh! "Selfie with a frog!"

I could have done these themed collages, EASILY:  Single flowers, plants, statues, flower beds, colors, insects, waterfalls, ponds, benches, etc.

Instead, here are two collages I created among the 100 photos I prolly took with my camera, lol:

Seriously stunning!!

Going to the Fort Worth Botanical Gardens this year, too, with Amanda.  Can't wait for another amazing memory-maker of beautiful colors and flowers and scenery!


(click any photo to enlarge)

Just in Time Versus Just in Case

I found myself less interested in Dr. Oz's magazines for some reason lately but I like to read helpful articles, so I went to my stash of Oprah Winfrey magazines I hadn't yet touched, and just, well, grabbed one out the fifty or so on the shelf.

(Oh the funny irony of finding this article among hoarding these magazines lol)

One of the first articles I read in that magazine from 2004 had to do with this:

There are two ways of going through life: Gather everything in sight, just in case you need it. Or, trust that you'll find exactly what you need, just in time. Guess which one lets you really stop and smell the roses?

I wasn't that intrigued by the preface, but as I read along, it turns out Martha Beck learned a lot from Toyota.

Just after the first paragraph....

"Shortly after World War II, executives at Japan's Toyota Motor Company made a decision from which, I believe, we all can benefit. They decided to make cars the way they'd make, say, sushi. Unlike most manufacturers, which bought and stored massive stockpiles of supplies, Toyota began ordering just enough parts to keep their lines moving, just when those parts were needed. This made them spectacularly productive, and turned the phrase "just in time" into business legend."

...I was intrigued and couldn't wait to read more.

And I'm glad I didn't stop!

Just in Time versus Just in Case can be applied to businesses, home life, eating, love life (or like life), money, etc.

About so many aspects of our lives!

And, just in time personally for me.

I got a lot out of it.  Hope others will, also.

Read the entire article here: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/martha-becks-strategy-to-lower-stress-and-improve-your-life

Throw Back Thursday - Gift from My Mom

You would think the best gift my Mom gave me was life.  But in reality, it was about death.

I hope this blog post from August 2012 helps at least one person:

Gift from My Mom

Did You See?

Been walking at a lot of new parks this year.  I set a goal to walk in a new park at least once a month and I have way surpassed that! 

Well, received some feedback about my last poem, so wrote this yesterday about my walks:


Did You See?

Did you see the intricate spider web?
Or just the normal, pretty flower bed?

Did you see the small white flower catch your eye?
Or did the larger purple one push it aside?

Did you hear the bird trying to sing for your attention?
Or did you not even notice the distinction?

Did you see the clouds staring down at you?
Or only when the sun broke through?

Did you see the beautiful shades of blue in the sky?
Or did you not look up, your mind was occupied?

Did you see the path?  Dirt, gravel, or grass?
Or did you just walk by and simply pass?

Did you see the complex shape of that rock?
Or did you not stop and just kept your walk?

Did you not see all the amazing different colors?
Or did you not even realize your heart flutters?

Did you feel the breeze on your face? 
Or just not realize its’ grace?

Did you see the colors, the beauty?
Or did you just not really study?

Did you See. Look. Watch. Feel. Hear?
All that nature was trying to really reveal?

It’s more than colors.  More than things.
Nature is a feeling, riding high on our wings.
Beautiful flowers that it brings.
Animals that explore like kings.
Pretty colorful birds that sing.
Lovely tree branches that swing.
Crisp and clear meandering springs.
Filling our heart and mind with nature’s everything’s.

How You Were Raised

I beleive one of the reasons why I'm so responsible is because of how I was raised.

Yes, going back to that all-important philosophy how you were raised impacts you as an adult.

Growing up on Saturday mornings, if my parents and I were not out camping, I was helping them do yard work or things around the house.  It has helped me become the person I am today.  And I really like this person! 

I love doing yard work. I love getting things done around the house. I can do a lot of things on my own.  All because that's what my parents taught me.  I can put together a bookcase, install a new light fixture, do all the yard work myself, work on things around the house.  Etc.

The difference is I like to do it all.

A friend of mine dated a guy who didn't do anything unless asked.  He didn't do the laundry on his own, he didn't do the dishes if he saw them piling up, he wouldn't put things away.  He wouldn't even help her bring in the groceries when he saw her walking into the house with her arms full of bags.  And in my opinion, this is just the way he was raised.  I would find out later that all his brothers are the exact same non-assertive way.

I remember the days as a teenager kicking and screaming being dragged to Home Depot by my Dad.  Now, I'm thankful, tho, as I can find just about anything on any aisle because of all those tantrum Saturdays.  lol.

Even in my lower 20s, I had an ex that didn't understand why I couldn't tell my parents no, and instead go to a movie with him one Saturday morning.  Little did he know, why I became so much more responsible than him.

Being independent and self-sufficient is one thing, but truly enjoying being productive is a pretty cool character to have.

For instance, a couple of months ago I met up with a friend who works on homes and we talked about things I wanted done around the house.  As we walked through the house together, he asked me about things and we would add them to the list.  Like, new light fixtures, installing a new back door, adding window film art, replacing rotting wooden fence posts with metal posts, fixing some of the cracks on the back patio, etc.

We didn't set a deadline, so I noticed on my open Saturdays I started to do some of the things on my own, lol, that was on the list for him to work on.  Sure, I let him install the new back door and easily let him put in new metal fence posts, but I just wasn't the type of person to sit around and not do some of the things on the list myself.

For instance, I removed the large and obtuse florescent lights and their containers from my living room ceiling, then added a new, cool light fixture:

My friends were like, really?  Yea, really.  And the handy man was just as confused as he was impressed I was doing things on my own.

I also installed the window film art, and I am going to paint the walls myself.

Some people seem to be shocked when I do things on my own.  But to me it's a direct attribution to how I was raised and how grateful I am of the woman I've grown into. 

Beautiful upbringing and blessed for sure.

Village Creek Historical Park

Hopefully you all aren't getting tired of these collages.  Because today's quite amazing walk is brought to you by me, "The Nature Whisperer."  :)  The armadillo didn't run away, the absolutely​ beautiful and friendly butterfly who said hello to me for awhile, the turtles and squirrels who aren't even in the pics, and the stunning scenery under God's beautiful sky.  Another new park, another wonderful memory-making walk.

It's so cool there are so many sweet parks to walk in just in the Dallas Fort Worth area.  And I've barely even started!

Tandy Hills Natural Area

Another new walking spot!  Got a tad lost, lol, as trails aren't marked.  But got back to my car, right as the large rain drops started to fall on Wednesday.  Perfect timing!

To be honest, I was nervous I had to park on a residential street to walk in this area.  No parking area at all.  Too bad, too - this place has great trails and is pretty, even though I really did get lost because the trails aren't marked well at all.

I hope to go back some day.  Maybe on a weekend when more people are out.  This day I was the sole hiker - a tad intimidating because at that point you *hope* you really are alone so no one messes with you.

Tandy Hills Natural Area, Fort Worth, Texas.  Nestled between Interstate 30 and a residential area.  Hidden.  Good spot!

Throw Back Thursday - Life Through My Eyes

I like re-reading some of my past blog posts because they help my current thoughts and feelings.

I had an idea to start to share some of them every once in while via the "Throw Back Thursday" (TBT) theme that is utilized a lot on social media.

Today I'd like to share an uplifting piece I wrote about back in 2012:

Life Through My Eyes

I've been through some really tough times, but I don't view them as "bad" things.

Not Even Interested in Looking

Life has many different paths...
Some come with aftermaths

The memories at times stored...
Because too hurtful i was ignored.

Holidays i fear...
No warm words do i hear

You might think it was your body or eyes...
Instead it was how you are so wise

I know this much to be true...
No eyes for anyone but you

Still adore you too much...
It's almost like a crutch

I don't seek, look, or care...
About anyone else out there

Heart still thinks about you...
So no one else will do

They say the next...
Should be better than the ex

That's going to be tough to beat...
You're too much of a treat

Intelligent, deep soul, artist, funny...
Mentor, best friend, gambler, sexy

Your words, that deep voice...
Fluttered my heart, no choice

I learned so much...
My mind was touched

Like no one ever before...
Influenced me to the core

Your advice, words, and thoughts...
Those are missed... lots

Just know you're​ missed, and why...
And that's why sometimes I still cry.

Vivid Nightmare

I can't recall if I've ever woken up from a nightmare wailing before.

I've had nightmares.  Woken up scared.  Woken up shaken.  Maybe cried a little bit from the nightmare?

But not wailing like last night.

My dog (Lily) immediately woke up and came to my rescue.  She didn't leave my side for the rest of the night.

I remember I kept saying in my nightmare, "please let me wake up, don't let this be real!"

Took a while, but finally did wake up.  Upset and wailing.

Brutal.

So glad Lily was there to help calm me down.

That Time I Said No

There are things we may reflect on in our past that make us wonder sometimes, how would my life be different if....?  

Because I am am alcoholic, I presume I have an addictive personality.  Whether that is incorrect thinking or not, I can tell by the way I shop, sometimes hoard, my routines, etc that I personally think I do have somewhat of an addictive personality.

Flash back 30+ years ago, sitting in class in middle school.

The boy I had a crush on sat behind me in an afternoon class.  I don't remember what the class was, but it was held in the typing classroom and so we all had a typewriter on our desk.

One day, he gets my attention and asks me if I want to try something.  I turned around without making eye contact, shy, giggling, and blushing that he was even talking to me.  He stuck out his tongue slowly and I saw a thin pink sliver of something on his tongue.  I told him, "no," and quickly turned away because my social skills towards a crush had not yet developed into smoothness lol.

I said "no" even though I did not know what it was, even though it looked like candy, and even though I had a crush on him.

I truly believe that the ramifications had I said "yes" to my crush would have propelled me on a different path in life.  Especially since I have an addictive personality.

I have yet to do drugs.  And I think had I tried that pink strip of acid (I would find out years later that's what it prolly was), I wouldn't be sitting here even typing these words out.  I may not even be alive, truth be told.

Collage Twist

When I go to a new place, I like to make a collage of the best photos I took along my venture (usually walking in parks).

I do this because a friend of mine went somewhere and made a collage of his fave photos and it was so much MORE awesome to see ONE photo that captured his fave photos.  Much better than when people post on Facebook all 20-50 photos they took.  Ugh.  I don't even have enough signal to look through all their pics, lol.  So, I learned from my friend that a collage is a great way for me to showcase a few photos and still get the flavor across, instead of posting an entire album lol.

I have been visiting a few of the same parks lately only because some are close to home.  I want to visit more and more new ones, but sometimes I can't do that adventuring during the week after work due to time constraints. 

I still find really awesome things to take pics of, tho!  But, instead of posting the same river, or same trail, I noticed the other day that sometimes themes show themselves.

Here are two:

Beautiful flowers I came across while walking at Rocky Creek Park and the different humans I saw being busy in the great weather along the Trinity River (both located in Fort Worth, Texas):

Made Fun of as a Child

I think sometimes, only very fleeting I admit, about the times I was made fun of as a child.  I wasn't bullied, but I was made fun of about certain things on my body.

The shape of my nose was one thing.  "Who would ever go out with her, have you seen her nose?"  I overheard a girl say about me in elementary school.

I didn't wear dresses and was a Tomboy and many people thought I was a boy, not a girl.  It didn't bother me too much - I wasn't a frilly little girl anyway.

My hair was another thing.  The neighborhood kids made fun of my hair because I didn't comb it that often during my elementary school years, and it had tangles in it.

As a female, though, it was very detrimental to my self esteem, and caused me to not understand a lot of my decisions growing up, when boys would comment about my chest size.  I used to be a very, very small A - I couldn't even fill a size A teen bra.   

I heard more than I cared to about it, how small chested I was.  I was made fun of.  The "Hope Chest" jokes were their favorite.  But the, "did you hear about the joke where the girls tits falling off?  Oh, I see you already know about that...."  I can remember exactly where I was standing in middle school when I felt sickened to my stomach when some kid told me that.

I was told wading in a pool looking over at my crush (I was a YMCA Camp Counselor) that he didn't like me because I didn't have boobs.

Continuous blow to my self esteem.

Children can be cruel.  But even as adults, a b/f in my lower 20s told me he wished I could move of my tummy to my chest.  I was mortified.  Who says such hurtful things?  I weighed prolly 120 pounds and I didn't even have a tummy back then, lol.  I, of course, realize even in our 20s we are all very immature, but still.  Incomprehensible.

It was already so difficult to find things to wear that looked decent or I felt comfy in because I was so small on top.  And because I became so self conscious, I always, ALWAYS hid myself with big shirts covering any bathing suit I might actually wear.

But, I didn't really think about the cruel words too much, luckily, after my 20s.  My self esteem is through the roof now and even in my mid 40s, I really love how I look (how many woman can say that?). 

But it's amazing that some kids ARE bullied so much they want to harm themselves.  While the hurtful things were tough and affected my self esteem, it's absolutely NOTHING compared to some of the abuse kids do to others.

I actually feel rather lucky.  I can't imagine what some kids go through. 

My abuse was a blip on the path of life.  Some kids are bullied so much they don't want to live.  :(

Accept Your Uniqueness

I had a very eye opening moment with one of my doctors last Fall.

As a matter of fact, it's help me accept my scars or things we may not like about ourselves.  What he said had a huge impact on the way I think about things I fretted about myself.

I was trying to express to my doctor I didn't like something on my eyelid; and how much it bothered me.

He chuckled to himself and then looked right at me and said, "Do you see the indention on my nose?"

I said, "no."

He said, "Look again."

My eyes then ventured to the tip of his nose.  And sure enough there's a little indention at the end of his nose.  As I looked at it longer, it looked as though a small chunk had been cut out.

It was currently staring right me, yet I hadn't seen it the last 4 times I had visited him in his office, lol.

And he shares. "It's funny what people actually see.  And what we think people are looking at or not."

It was a huge help for my little scars/imperfections that prolly no one else even notices.  As a matter of fact, after his wisdom, I didn't even have my eyelid "worked" on.

As a matter of fact, it reminded me that my scars and imperfections are actually a reflection of who I am, and what makes me very unique  :)

Z Bonz Dog Park

My new fave place!  Such beautiful surroundings!  And hills, great hills for a great, tough walk!

Took Lily today, on Father's Day.

Her and I walked along the trails first, then I took her to the dog park part.  It was too humid and she got too tired to care about the dog park after the walk lol.

The hills are amazing here, and it's so pretty and soothing.  With the weather getting warmer, gonna have to come without Lily, so I can walk longer, further, explore more of the park.  (Sorry Lily!)

Treatment

Even if it feels like it....

Rich Colors

I find it very intriguing how my thoughts about colors have transitioned through my lifetime.

For instance, even as late as my mid 30s, I thought a champagne-colored car was the best looking car out there!  I thought it felt and looked and implied a rich look or feel.  You know, gold or champagne even implies rich.  Now course, I would never buy a champagne-colored car.

I also find it interesting that in my low to mid twenties, I always yearned for dark wood furniture and thought it was the bomb. I thought it had that "rich" look to it.

I think I forked over about $1,000 on my credit card in my late 20s to buy this really pretty, large credenza with lots of shelves and drawers.  Yep, all because it was dark cherry.  It didn't match one single thing in any room (of course) of my rent house back then in Florida, so I put it in one of the spare bedrooms.  I pretty much just used it as a bookshelf, not really what it was probably intended for.

But it was pretty useful and clever as it had lots of nooks and crannies and shelves and drawers. I actually really adored it.  Until I noticed all the dust.  I didn't even think about how the dark wood would advertise dust so much easier, lol.  How would I know?  I never owned cherry-wood furniture before in my life.

I noticed my light-colored furniture, you could not see the dust as much. And I didn't have to clean it as often; even though I probably should have, lol.  Hey I was young!

In my current house (of a woman in her mid 40s), all my furniture is light-colored.  And I'm even transitioning over to white-colored wood furniture when I have the opportunity.  Those colors seem to open the house up more, like rays of sunshine.  To me, light-colored wood and white colors have a very calming, pretty, open, peaceful "feel" to it.  Which is the exact definition of rich to me now.  Ironic, huh?

Peace is now my definition of "rich."  Not rich with money, but rich in life.

Still, it's pretty interesting how the colors in our lives change as we grow up.

(and yes, I currently own a white car!)

Eagle Mountain State Park

Unfortunately dogs not allowed, but I really wanted to be challenged​ on Sunday. And this location (Eagle Mountain State Park, north of Fort Worth, Texas) is really a bitch to hike lol. It's also a really great and beautiful scenic hike, tho, too.  Been here only 2-3 times I think.

I saw some deer this time!  SO awesome!  They barely ran away, it was really cool.

Every person, couple, or family that I walked past I would say, "Good morning!"  That's about 40 hello's! Only 2 people didn't reply - peckers, lol.  Let's hope they were listening to music and just didn't hear me. :)

I walked almost 2 1/2 hours - yes, got some blisters on my feet lol.  Very well worth it!  May go back this weekend because it's so tough on me, yet beautiful.

Pecan Valley Park

Took Lily to Art Cowsen Trailhead (at Pecan Valley Park) in Fort Worth, Texas on Saturday.

We had been here before, but this time stayed more on the paved path than checking out all the trails into the woods.

Still really like this location.  Bikers have plenty of room and lots for Lily and I to see and enjoy the outdoors!

Even saw some beautiful horses this time.  :)

Valley of Fire State Park, Nevada

Had sooooo much fun yesterday hiking and exploring with my girlfriend Robin in Nevada!!  Memory making day :)  Even saw prehistoric petroglyphs.  So cool!

Robin and I decided every time I come to Vegas we will visit an outdoor spot to hike and explore and learn.
There seems to be a ton of cool locations around Vegas.  I'm excited about our new plans to get around nature.  Her and I both really LOVE the outdoors.

(Click collage photo to enlarge)

And here's my friend Robin, getting some shade:

Example for Kids

One of my friends shared with me something so powerful about being a parent, that I think of it quite often.  I had never heard of this before, even tho it now seems so obvious, yet I don't think many parents think this way (or maybe they do, and I just don't know it?).

I strongly feel if all parents lived this way / felt this way / did this, that kids would grow up "better" and have better relationships in their lives.

We all realize that the way we grow up affects us as adults.  I'm starting to see that a lot more lately, so these words he spoke last year have been in my mind even more.

My friend has a daughter and a son.

What my friend told me was basically, he treats his wife in such a way that he wants his son to "see" and understand how he should treat a woman.  And he wants his daughter to "see" and understand how a woman should be treated by a man.

I truly believe the world would be a different place if all parents felt this way and acted this way.

I don't think this crossed the mind of my parents.  Or many of my friends' parents.

Maybe I'm naive and a lot of parents already think this way, but I think it's a truly beautiful concept.  Why aren't we all talking about it??

I imagine he hardly ever raises his voice at his wife in front of the kids, shows affection to her, and SHOWS his kids he loves his wife with daily things like communicating well, doing things together, holding hands, etc.

My Dad told me once how he used to witness his Dad in the kitchen hugging his Mom from behind so lovingly.  I think that's why he was so affectionate towards my Mom and I  and then his new wife - because he saw all that as a child.

Profound way of thinking to be a great example and helpful for the future of your children imo.

Grapevine Lake Trails

I finally was able to visit the hiking trails in Grapevine, Texas along Grapevine Lake.

I did this deliberately on Mother's Day, so I would be distracted (didn't work).  But it was a gorgeous day and I was VERY thankful.

Strange Squirrel Behavior - from my Dad

I'm still in a de-cluttering phase and am currently going through some old emails in my inbox.

That's a lot of memories I'm running across... kinda brutal lol.

But here's a cool one.  My Dad (StepDad) would email a couple of times a week, usually to provide updates and little stories about the pets and my Mom from San Antonio.

This one was a good gem:

Yesterday, Sunday, I was enjoying the fine weather we had been having. I was in my power chair retrieving the mail. As I started to turn towards the mailbox I noticed I was being observed by a rather large squirrel across the street. As I slowly made my way towards my mail box this intense creature was following me. I became concerned for my safety. The chirping and chattering became deafening, the bandit came bouncing into the street scarring the daylights out of me, I was barely able to grab my mail and retreat into the back yard with this mad hatter chasing me. When I closed the first gate he ran back across the street into his own territory.  I need to get me a stun gun to defend myself from this dastardly villain. I guess Mom will have to go get the mail from now on. I barely escaped with my life.

:)

CareTaking Too Much.... and What About Myself?

As I promised, here are my thoughts about something from my childhood affecting me as an adult... just ONE of the things I'm reflecting about.

This is in reference to the blog post I wrote about in regard to Iyanla's tv show and the self evaluation / self reflecting going on within me (not all bad because I can learn from it, but yes some shock and awe to the awareness and new realizations lol).

One thing I believe I see from my childhood that has at times been somewhat of a hindrance and has had an affect on me is, I am a big caretaker.

That may sound like a good thing.  But I can tell you at times it is not.

Further, it shockingly now makes sense why I crave being taken care of or shown appreciation. Because I've been the caretaker for most of my life.

When someone does even the slightest thoughtful thing for me or think of me on tough days, I crater into tears with happy emotions.  You thought of me?  OMGosh!  I can also understand now why when an ex bf made eggs and bacon while I got ready for work, meant the world to me.  Why when I went to my Dad's house in Virginia and his wife cut me an apple to eat, how much that meant to me.  It felt like love.  It felt so nice being cared for.  To be thought of.  I can't even put into words how warm and loved I felt.

It sounds silly to think that a cut up apple would make me feel love, but when you have to do that for everyone and yourself, it makes that act that much sweeter.

Even when people help me with things like help running a tour, or fixing something in my house, or a neighbor helping me take things down from the attic, it comes with sincere thankfulness.  And even the little things - when a friend recognizes to grab an empty bag to put trash in it (instead of me doing it first), really just means the world to me.  It feels I'm being taken care of and thought of, which I haven't seen a lot in life - only given.

I don't mind taking care of myself, but I notice when others help me, I get very emotional because it's so few and far between.  And I admit I really do love being taken care of because it's so rare.

Of course, I also get a tinge of huge disappointment when I'm not thought of on tough days. Reminds me how alone I really am and can't count of anyone but myself and God (those are two pretty powerful people, but can you imagine if I had even a smidgen of thoughtfulness being shown to me from the people I care about or yearn to hear from?).

I do so much for others all the time, and while I am not complaining and I enjoy it most of the time, I do admit it gets tough to do all the time.  And now that I'm alone, I'm still the caretaker - for myself.

A friend of mine has claimed steadfastly, "I am a caretaker" - makes me wonder if she is proud of that, just has acceptance of who she is, and/or if she has the same feelings I do when someone does sweet things for me unexpected?  (I will ask her)

I don't mind being helpful of others or myself - I love surprising people and doing things for others, and doing things for myself.  But, I can for sure say that at times I have done TOO much for others, also.

I recognize I have taken care of my ex's way TOO much.  After one 3-year break up, I asked the guy, "did I pay for too many things and made you feel less of a man?"  The answer was of course yes.  Even if he really liked me paying for things because he didn't have the money to have the fun we were having, in the long run, I got into debt and he ended up not feeling manly.  (side note:  I must add that this ex hardly EVER did anything for me.  Definitely never took care of me at all - no gifts in 3 years, never helped around the house, etc.  But it was ME that stayed with him anyway.  I was definitely not an aware person back then.)

Even in high school, I bought so many gifts for a female friend, my parents sat me down at the kitchen table for a talk to ask me if I was having a sexual relationship with her.  What?  No.  I was just super caring and I had more allowance than her and she was very poor.

So, you can see it started way early.

But, it's not just with money, it's with doing things for others.  I surprise people with gifts they mention in passing, or send cards (yes, people still send cards), and I recently was there for a friend who went through a really tough surgery.  I was there every day before and after work checking in on him in the hospital.  While he called me his Guardian Angel, I can tell you I cried every single time I would walk in to the hospital because it reminded me of my Mom and Dad.

And when I take care of people, I don't think to take care of myself.  I'm the last person I think of.  So, taking care of my Mom for 5 years, I was on the back burner and doing self destructive things.

However, I must say I would NEVER take away taking care of my Mom or helping my friend.  I loved doing it, even if it was hard.  My Mom raised me, least I could do was take care of her when she couldn't in her last years of her tough life.  It was actually an honor and a true blessing.  I wouldn't change it for the world.

When my Mom was in the hospital the very first time (and over 4 hours away from where I lived), I would visit and take care of her and my Dad for a week or so at a time.  I would be on the night shift in the hospital with Mom, then go home and fix doors, pay bills, file their taxes, go to the grocery store, and clean their house.  Then go back to the hospital, after helping my Dad who was in a wheelchair get to go see my Mom.

These things don't sound so bad, huh?  Well, while the work ethic was instilled in me and the caring of others was instilled in me, I also used to go overboard.  Further, because I help so many others, I don't know what it feels like to receive care often.  So when it does happen, I tend to break down being thought of or cared for.

So, let's get back to the childhood.  I don't think I was ever taken care of.  I mean, I was raised by my parents, but I also took care of them.  When my Mom was drunk, I would take care of her.  When my Dad beat my Mom, I took care of her.  My Mom showed love by buying things for me, but as an only child, it made sense.  We didn't have a lot of money and I didn't want any fancy clothes (luckily), but my Mom showered me with love and affection and bought me things.

But also being an only child comes with most all of the responsibilities.  I'm very happy and pleased that I'm self sufficient because of the way I was raised and what I was taught by helping my parents around the house or yard instead of playing with the neighborhood kids on Saturday mornings.  But I also don't recall being taken care of.  I mean, I had to have been, right?  But the divorce (I was 7 years old) took a lot out of my Mom and eventually she got amnesia and I had to go get a neighbor telling her, "something is wrong with my Mom, she doesn't remember anything."  Turns out the stress of the divorce and deep heartbreak had a very weird affect on my Mom's mental status.  After a stint in a depression ward, she came out with crafts she had made for me and she was Mom again.

When she started to date, I was kinda left alone.  When she met my StepDad, they had their years of drunkenness together and I took care of them and myself when they could not for themselves.

All the times my Dad kept me up literally all night talking to me, my only saving grace was my Mom waking up at 5am and I could run to her to "save" me from his berating me for hours over God knows what slight infraction I had done.  Her walking to the kitchen for coffee gave me my "out" to finally be able to leave the living room because she would mention I had school that day.

After my Dad stopped drinking and smoking pot, he was still mentally unstable.  My Mom and I shivered together, but we survived it.  My Mom didn't stop drinking til I was in college - that's a lot teen years taking care of my Mom, while also dealing with my Dad yelling at me for something lol.

I also was left by my real Dad.  Well, my Mom and I both were.  I wasn't able to ask him until I was 35 years old (we didn't have contact for 20 years) why he left us.  To hear the difference in the stories from his mouth, his wife's mouth, and what my Mom said was so different, it was confusing to me. But, bottom line is he left us.  As a child, that doesn't make sense.  I didn't ride my bike or climb a tree in my teens wondering about why he left us, but I'm sure it has to affect me as an adult on some level.  And my Mom sure thought about it and cried about it for years and years (even after she was remarried).  I took care of her then, as well.  Not really doing anything magical, but just being with her, being by her side, being the one person in the world she loved more than anything. 

I want to state that no matter the childhood I had, I have turned into a woman I love.  I do not forsake my childhood AT ALL.  I've written before how I have no ill-feelings about the way I was raised or how I was raised.  I loved my childhood, really.  I also LOVE my parents (all of them!).  I don't even think of the tough times (did I even have tough times?).  To me it was just life.  And when I reflect back, it's usually of the good memories.  So, I'm not sitting around upset about my childhood at all; I really did have a great childhood!  I've just been reflecting on it lately and wondering if some of the things I went through has affected me as an adult.  Iyanla helping others (and us luckily getting to watch and learn through the tv cameras), has been a great thing for me, and I now see why I am a caretaker.  And also why I crave being taken care of.

SO.

What am I going to do with this knowledge??

Great question.

Besides stop doing the obvious - doing TOO much for others - I am going to consciously try and do things for myself in a caring way.  In other words, sometimes I would get a foot massage because I wanted one that day.  Now, I'm looking at it more like, "take care of yourself - go get a foot massage."

I also need to remember myself because I am still helping others with situations or things (i.e. being a somewhat of a caretaker on some level for many).

I'm really just going to work on having a different perspective on doing things for myself, caring for myself.  Trying to look at it as, taking care of me.  Living alone and not having family or friends close, and learning that I can't depend on anyone, this is what I need to do because there is no one else around to provide this care.  Or is there?  YES!  Me.  :)

It's not to say I wasn't doing things for myself - I was.  But I am hopeful that changing my perspective and recognizing that being cared for is something sought after in me, and so this new perspective to do things for myself, specifically to take care of myself, is the KEY.   Does that make sense lol?  It does to me .  :)

Usefulness and Purpose

I've been struggling a lot again lately with purpose.

I don't even know why I'm even thinking so much about purpose.  Is it because I'm getting older? I didn't think about it in my twenties, not even in my thirties.  But for some reason it's almost on my mind daily in my forties.

It hit me after my Mom passed away.  Because after taking care of her for five years, I felt like I didn't really have a purpose after that.  If I didn't take care of my Mom for all those years, would I even be aware and struggling with this purpose thing?

After I started running the Omega Billiards Tour, I felt like I had purpose again.  Yay me!  But the purpose in life happy feeling slowly dwindled away for some reason.

After taking care of friend of mine (Dave) with mental and emotional support (still helping him), everyone told me that was purpose.  But what about when it ends?  For whatever reason I feel like I don't have a purpose in life.  And if you have purpose, that leads to have happiness, right?  It means you are making a difference in life, not just living a life.

It's actually been on my mind so much that it's pretty much been depressing me for quite some time. Paralyzing any sense of happiness.

I decided to finally look up on the all-knowing internet about purpose and happiness just to see what I would find. And fortunately for me one of the first few links I looked at was this link right here!

https://medium.com/art-of-practicality/the-purpose-of-life-is-not-happiness-its-usefulness-65064d0cdd59

After I read it, I was immediately overcome with calmness and happiness!

I honestly haven't been depressed since I read it about two weeks ago.  :)

It basically says that all the little things you do in life, add up.  And all those useful things add up, which leads to happiness and purpose.

And the examples he gave of being useful were very helpful things, but some also very small things. But if you think about putting all those things you do that are useful in one basket - it would be overflowing the top!

I also read somewhere else that if you make your purpose to cherish everyone you come across, then that brings you happiness which in turn brings you inner peace which in turn is a huge purpose, right?  Wishing for others to be happy all the time, how awesome is that?

So combine these two things I definitely feel much happier about not just living, but how I am living and what I'm doing in my life.

I also need to really, really remember that my job has a specific purpose to others. My job is basically customer service to people throughout the company across the entire country, but also what I do impacts the public directly (I work for the National Weather Service).  So I need to stop being so worrisome and confused about finding this magic purpose in my life when in reality I actually have a huge purpose right in front of me, here in my job (which takes up most of the time in my life, right?).

I'm so thankful that I've come to these realizations because I was being consumed with what my purpose in life is, which was leading to unhappiness (oh the irony).

So my purpose in life is to be useful; to be helpful; to be a great employee which in turn helps a lot of people.  It doesn't need to be ONE specific, huge, amazing purpose - but a whole basket of useful items!

All the useful things I do really DO add up.  Board member of the Coalition of Quality of End of Life Care, my job/career, city counsel meetings, certified mediator, coaching people in pool, and helping pool players improve through my pool blog, radio program, and online magazine.  And those are the big things - my basket runneth over even with all the little things I do daily that people don't see.

I need to STOP being so hard on myself.

I'm so much happier, I can't even describe it!   I'm just so very thankful I have came across Darius' article about usefulness and came to these realizations because I was struggling so deeply that it was almost paralyzing to even be happy everyday.

I knew I had a blessed, beautiful life.

Now I'm happy in it, reminding myself I don't need one big purpose and that I'm being useful with countless, untold different acts of kindness I do.  :)

Iyanla is Fixing my Life.

I watch with tears every Saturday night Iyanla, Fix my Life.

Iyanla provides advice to people in tough, mostly unhappy situations.  Whether it be husband and wife, siblings, or parents and their adult kids... any relationship, really, is up for the task for Iyanla to help.

The theme I am seeing is: what happens to us as a child, we bring into our relationships as adults. Until we understand this, we may have a ton of dysfunction and eventual unhappiness and broken relationships.

Let me be clear - in many broken relationships, the people are still together.   So, living with unhappiness.

Iyanla brings out of people things that they may have gone through as a child (abandonment, molestation, being the parent when one is a child, parents not caring for their kids emotionally or physically, neglect, jealousy, fear, etc).  She brings to light that the reason for the problems in relationships stems directly to those "things" that happen to us (or don't happen to us, like nurturing) in our childhood.  And we don't really see that those things from our childhood affect us as adults (and in our relationships with others - loved ones, kids, parents, sisters, whoever).

So, of course it made me reflect on my childhood.

Not because I'm in a bad relationship, but the show makes one reflect so much and so deeply about how we were raised (or not raised).  And it makes yourself wonder, if how I was raised has affected my relationships?  The answer is, of course, yes.

I watch with fascination and really listen to what Iyanla is teaching the people on her show.   It's not pointing out your flaws - it's why we are who we are and what we can do about the new found knowledge!

While I could pick on several things, I'm just going to mention a few big ones I have realized all due to watching the episodes and how Iylana helps the distressed people on the show.

• I now understand why it's been tough for me to forgive:  because I never saw my Mom forgive anyone.  Especially when I was young I saw this.  She didn't speak to one neighbor for over 25 years! 
• Of course the obvious one is alcoholism.  But it's the affects of seeing my parents drink is what is a new revelation for me.
• Another is verbal abuse.  I've written about this before.
• Also, why sex had a skewered meaning for me.  
• Being a caretaker for so long for so many people, has affected me in a profound, sometimes bad way with intriguing ramifications.  I will write about this soon.

Of course, there are good things I learned, too, from my childhood:  being self sufficient, caring, good work ethics, etc.

But it's the those few things above that I have deeply reflected about on my couch on Saturday nights as I cry, and rub my face, trying to figure out all these things that make me the messed up person I see sometimes today.

Don't get me wrong - I admit I have turned into a great, successful woman.  And I am grateful to be a work in progress.  I still have a ton to learn about life, in life, of life, and for that I am very happy and thankful about!

I will write in detail about some of the above later; go into depth about some of them and why I am torn, confused, yet enlightened.

Maybe by the time I push "publish," I will have even more revelations of my childhood that will help me be a better me today!

This isn't a BAD thing - figuring out why we do some things because of how we were raised provides great understanding for ourselves.  Then we can work on making ourselves different.  Make different or better choices in life.  Maybe even a better me!

Forgiveness - an Amazing Example

I was watching the news in complete awe and amazement a few weeks ago when the family of Robert Godwin Sr. (whose murder was posted in a Facebook video) expressed forgiveness to the man who killed their father!  The murder of their father had literally only been days before, yet they had already forgave the killer (who was still on the run).  I was shocked!

The live interview was truly astonishing and remarkable.  I was so moved by their strong conviction of forgiveness, their faith in God, and expressing very deeply they learned about forgiveness from the very man who had died.

The whole world can learn so much from this interview.

Debbie Godwin and Tonya Godwin Baines, the man’s daughters, were interviewed by Anderson Cooper on CNN.

“I wasn’t going to ask you,” Cooper said, “but since you brought this person up, but I’m not going to use this person’s name in front of you, but if this person is out there listening, what do you want them to know? Obviously, you want them to turn themselves in, but what do you want to say to them?”

“I would say turn yourself in, that would be number one,” Debbie Godwin responded, “I mean because although I do believe in forgiveness, I do believe in the law, meaning, when you break the law, there’s a penalty for breaking the law. And this man broke the law by taking my father’s life.”

“And so although I forgive him,” she explained, “there is still a penalty that he must pay for what he did to my dad. And so I would want him to turn himself in. And you know what, I believe that God would give me the grace to even embrace this man. And hug him.

“Without anything, I truly do,” she continued. “It’s just the way my heart is, it’s the right thing to do. And so, I just would want him to know that even in his worst state, he’s loved, you know, by God, that God loves him, even in the bad stuff that he did to my dad. That he’s still loved. And that he has some worth while, even though he’s gonna have to go through many things to get better, there’s worth in him.”

“And as long as there’s life in him, there is hope for him too,” Godwin concluded. “I do believe that.”


In the latter part of the interview, Cooper seems affected by their words of forgiveness.

“The thing that I would take away the most from my father is he taught us about God,” Tonya Godwin Baines said. “How to fear God. How to love God. And how to forgive. Each one of us forgives the killer. The murderer.”

“You do?” Cooper asked.

“We want to wrap our arms around him,” she said.

“We absolutely do,” Debbie Godwin explained. “I honestly can say right now that I hold no animosity in my heart against this man. Because I know that he’s a sick individual. I know that because of his sickness, whatever evil overtook him that caused him to do this to my dad, it’s not him. It wouldn’t be something he would typically do, and I promise you, I could not do that, if I did not know God.

“If I didn’t know Him as my God and my savior, I could not forgive that man. And I feel no animosity against him at all. Actually, I feel sadness for him. I do.”

“We’ve lost our dad, but this mother lost her son,” Tonya added. “Lost her children. His children lost her dad.”

“That’s incredible, Tonya,” Cooper said, “that you think about that even in your time of grief, that you’re thinking about them.”

“It’s just what our parents taught,” Godwin Baines said. “It’s not just that they taught us, they did it. They lived it.”

“My dad would be really proud of us, and he would want this from us, and he would say, ‘Tonya, forgive him, because they know not what they do,'” she added, referring to a verse from Scripture.

Cooper told them, “Tonya, you talked about how your friends growing up said they wished they were Godwins. I think a lot of people watching tonight, and I know I certainly speak for myself, I wish I was a Godwin right now, because you all represent your Dad very well.”

“Thank you so much, I wish peace and strength in the days ahead,” he said.

Debbie Godwin posted this picture of her father:

Airfield Falls

Walked this gem on Tuesday.  Located right in Fort Worth along the Trinity River, I recommend Airfield Falls.

Highs were near 90, sun was bright, and it was a fabulous day for a long, brisk walk!

The Rise of AI Makes Emotional Intelligence More Important

Cool and powerful little leadership article.  Good reminders of being relevant and what to focus on in the future.

I recommend this short read, and also the short video embedded in the piece as well.

The article focuses on the growth of artificial intelligence (AI) and ALSO the importance of human added value through emotional intelligence (EI). The intersection of AI and EI is an important one, and we should prepare to and be aware of our important roles in the future, that others may not be cognizant of.

It's Not Just a Ladder (video)

Following in the Foot Steps You Choose

It was a relief when I found out through therapy in my mid 30s that my Dad (stepDad since I was 11) wasn't "just" a jerk, but that he had issues, some mental issues.  Further, because he was on ativan (a medicine), that heightened his anxiety, moods, anger, and paranoia.

Turns out he was diagnosed with an immature personality (and something else that I can't recall) and that's why he was discharged from the air force. 

My Mom and I never knew this information, though, during the 25 years of dealing with his verbal abuse.  To find out he wasn't really an asshole, he was just born that way with some mental issues and that the meds he was on exacerbated his anger, really made my Mom and I feel better.  As weird as that sounds, lol.

I guess it's a relief to find out someone is mean because of their mental wiring, not because they chose to be mean.

Don't get me wrong - my Dad was also a very GREAT man and had many amazing qualities you wish for in a Dad.  He just didn't know how to control his anger.

Every time I watch Evil Lives Here, (a show that documents family members who lived with a family member who was demented and evil and caused havoc on their lives and others), I am reminded how tough my childhood was, and that others also went through hellacious childhoods (much, much worse than mine for sure).

I don't think often about that part of my childhood.  Sometimes it comes up maybe in conversation, but I don't worry about it or think about it or let it affect me.

What I DO do though is I just try not to be that person.  Being raised in a verbally abusive household, it was only natural for me to become the same way.  I hate that person in me, and when I ever raise my voice, I get really upset at myself after for it.  I've tried to work on it for YEARs and have come a REALLY long way.  I am proud of myself for this self reflection and realization.

It helped that I had great people in my life that miraculously helped me overcome becoming a verbal abuser.  Whether a boyfriend who made calm comments, an ex husband who helped me not yell at waiters, to my friend June who helped my self-esteem, to the leadership at my work.... they all played an integral role in helping me not be a daily or responsive verbal abuser.

I see living life as learning experiences; and growing from them.  And from my eyes, I am not bitter, angry, mad, nor feel sorry for myself.

I never have regrets about anything in my life.  I don't even look back and wish he didn't treat my Mom and I badly; it was our life and we lived it and we survived it.  I don't see my childhood as a bad childhood.  It was just the way I lived.  He didn't know any better.  He had a Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde personality for sure, but we all survived it.  :)  

So, while the title might say "Following in the Foot Steps You Choose," I didn't even know I shouldn't be a verbal abuser until others helped me see otherwise.  Of course, I fully agree my personality allowed me to not blow off the help/words from friends, and to instead embrace the reality that verbal abuse is wrong and I can work on that in myself.

So, while I "chose" the decision, it was one brought to my attention for over 10-15 years, and then I finally was able to control it.  Yes, it took that long to tame.

My Successful Mom

It always disappointed me when my Mom would be sad about her life, because she thought she hadn't accomplished anything.

I would look at her dismayed and in shock, and ask her, "Well what the hell am I?"

I really feel like I was a blessing in her life.  I turned out to be one hell of a woman, caring friend, loving daughter, successful, didn't get into (too much) trouble, was a great kid, went to college, etc. Yet she still wasn't proud of anything in her life.  Even when I stood in front of her, pointing to myself as proof of her own success.

Maybe she really was talking about her marriages or her work or something like that.  But she never went into detail, she was just sad about her life.

But I know she was a very successful mother who created the woman I see in the mirror every morning.

When I would ask her, "What about me?"  She would just shake your head and tell me,"Oh, you brought yourself up" in a very snappy, determined voice.

I sometimes think she really believed I somehow raised myself.

She was my world; she was my everything; and the love between us was unimaginable (still is, even after her death).

I think she felt bad that I didn't have a better upbringing.  But we don't really think about the bad times as a child in our upbringing, do we?  We just think of the good/fun times.   I loved my childhood.  I don't know why she was so worried about it for me.

My Mom was an alcoholic, but she became 20+ years sober, and should have been VERY proud of that fact, too!

She was ashamed that she got divorced in the mid '70s.  Back then, divorce was looked down upon, so that's why when she got married a second time, she stayed with my stepdad and never got out of that situation because of the shame of "another divorce" she would lament.  And although he was verbally abusive, I know that she did still love him and he loved her with all his might.

My Mom was successful in life not by the definitions of society; but by the definition of her daughter.

Fort Worth Nature Center & Refuge

Finally got to visit the Fort Worth Nature Center & Refuge!

I expected more walking trails, but I only took one trail before Lily got tired.  There are more to take in the "prairie" areas, that I will do some day without Lily, so I'm not slowed down and can explore even more!

We walked along the marsh and parts of the Trinity and it was so cool to walk the ENTIRE time with water next to us!

Here is the traditional collage:

UnGrateful Presents

I don't understand how people can share why they don't like gifts.  Well, to be fair, they didn't show non-appreciation, but they explained why they aren't going to use it or returned it to me.

While I did learn from those instances (zipper on wrong side, allergic reaction to jewelry), it still hurts me a little to hear.

And I know exactly why.

My Dad didn't hide his feelings if he didn't like gifts.  One time during Christmas he opened a box of slippers I had bought him, saw the size, got angry they wouldn't fit, and then promptly THREW them across the room!  They hit the wall, fell to the floor all abandoned.  Kinda like my heart.

If any little thing was wrong with a gift or not what he exactly wanted, he showed it, yelled about it, or whatever.  Never just said "thank you" with a smile to show appreciation.  It was all about his hurt feelings and the crappy gift he thought I gave him, even though they were all bought with thought and love.

When I receive a gift I'll never use or don't like, I don't dare say a word as I know how it feels to be on the receiving end.  I can't even fathom ever saying anything but "thank you," even if I don't understand it lol.

And I know it's all because of the way my Dad negatively reacted when he didn't "love" his gifts.

Tattoo Identification

When I turned 21-years-old I thought:  I'm old enough now, mature and smart, and I'm going to be super cool and get a tattoo!

I thought I was cool, but was actually scared to death, really.  I got a very, very small tattoo of a cloud with some rain and lightning coming out of it because I was getting a meteorology degree and was about to become a meteorologist.  That was my passion at the time and that's what I wanted inked into my skin.

I had to keep it from my Dad, as I knew he would explode.  I told my Mom - she was cool and knew everything about my anyway.

It's maybe a tad larger than the size of a quarter and I placed it in a spot on my body no one could see, even if I was a bikini.

I had it for a couple of years and I was visiting my parents and I decided to mention it to my Dad.  I was more scare of his verbal reaction than the physical pain of the tattoo.

But he surprised me.

He wanted to see it and was genuinely interested!

It was refreshing to not get bitched out, instead he was curious.  Maybe it was because he didn't have any tattoos?  Not sure, but it was cool.

After he saw it he said to me, "Glad I know now, in case I ever need to identify your body.  Or else I would have said it wasn't you."

OMG.............. lol