My Mom's Friends

I went to my favorite city for my birthday in early February this year. If you don't know or can't tell yet from my blog, my fave city is Las Vegas. So, I was very happy to be there on my birthday!

I fully admit I went there because I figured doing what I love to do in the city I love would not disappoint me, as on most holidays I feel alone and very disappointed. I also fully admit the reason for disappointment is because of my expectations. But even when I don't have expectations, my friends still are not there for me when I need them. So, I thought I would take of control the situation and just go to Vegas!

(and btw that backfired because as soon as I got home I was depressed again from the lack of care I still didn't feel upon returning.)

Anyways!

One of my dear friends lives in Vegas and I met with her the day before my birthday to go to Lake Mead for some hiking and to be "in nature," which was a really great day trip with her.

I didn't know if she even knew it was my birthday the next day, but she did and told me she wanted to take me out to dinner for my birthday.  That right there meant a lot!  It really meant the world to me to be thought of on such a special day. With no family around and not that many close friends, her offering and thoughtfulness meant the world to me.

We go this little Italian place (Battista’s Hole in the Wall) that is a local favorite and it's a very cozy spot.  The menu's are written on the walls and it has several enclosed eating rooms - very quaint.

At one point, my friend Robin goes to the bathroom, kinda towards the end of the meal. I don't think anything of it really. I figured she had to go the bathroom lol. What I don't know is she is secretly telling the waiter it's my birthday and to please add a candle to the desert.

While she is gone, I checked my phone (I try not to even look at it when out with friends) and I noticed I received an email notifying me that someone commented on my Mom's online obituary.

I read the comment and I just started immediately crying!  (as I type this out, I'm starting to cry now).

So, Robin comes back and she's a little confused, because all she did was go the bathroom and then she comes back to find me bawling, lol. It was pretty funny.

The message was from a childhood friend of my Mom's. Yes, you read that correctly, my MOM.

"I just found your mother passed and will share the sad news with the others who will want to know. We have had a couple of get to-gethers this past year and many ask "What about Toni?" I found her listed as Toni Duncan on an Ancestry family tree, with your father. She was Toni Leach to us! From all I've read here, you are a very special lady as was your Mom. Please write and tell me about her life. God Bless and keep you. "

I read it to Robin and then she started to smile and tear up.  She was so happy!  She told me it meant so much to her that she was there to witness this emotional reaction from me because it shows how much I love my Mom.  It was quite beautiful to me that she shared that with me, that she was glad she was with me at this moment.

What my Mom and I never knew, was that friends of hers from school (we're talking 50 years ago or so) had been trying to locate my Mom!  But they couldn't find her because of her married name.  When they finally did find her, they found out she had passed away, but they were reaching out to me, her daughter, to let me know that they missed her and that the group still wonder how she's doing.

I can't begin to explain that I felt like it was sign directly from my Mom on my birthday, telling me that she's there with me and she loves me. That's why I was just bawling at the table (omgosh and still balling now!)

It took me awhile to finally respond, but when I did, I told her friend (Betsy) that it meant the world to me that they reached out to me and that they found her.  I also shared with her a link to a blog post I wrote about a trip to Christmas in Gloversville, NY as a child, because she talked a lot about the town my Mom grew up in with her friends.

What I would eventually find out, is Betsy read other parts of my blog.  So, every once in awhile Betsy will email me about a blog post from last year or the year before, and share with me some insight and thoughts of things that she's been through that might help me.

Betsy tells me often that my Mom would be very proud of me (which means so much to me) and also that her and my Mom's friends are very proud of me for the woman that I've become.

(I'm still bawling btw)

I want a state how much it means to me to hear this. I think as children all we really want is for our parents to be proud of us.  And for her friends to think that, just by reading my blog, really means a lot to me because they knew my mom personally.

Betsy mentions a lot of names in her emails and I don't know or recognize them because my Mom didn't talk about her school days.  Or at least I don't recall.

Although I think my Mom would have shied away from talking to her friends from her childhood, what I deeply feel is that it means the world to me to hear that my Mom is still thought of. And that she made more of an impact than she realized.

Betsy told me everyone was so excited to hear from me! I feel like it's a connection to my Mom, even though she's been gone for 7 years last month.

I myself shied away from corresponding with some of the friends who wanted to reach out to me via letters. The only reason why is because already know I'm really bad with keeping in touch. Well, let me be specific: I think I'm good at keeping in touch, but with short replies.  When a long reply is needed/necessary, I procrastinate until I have dedicated time to write something out and so I already know that those letters may go unanswered. While that is unintentional, I still don't want them to feel bad I haven't responded.

Betsy told me her and my Mom's friends talk about me and read this blog.  I hope you all hear me say (omg, more tears!) that you all actively searching for my Mom meant so much!

Let me be frank.  You could have easily just stop looking for her.  You could have easily just stop talking about her.  Instead, you kept looking all these years and talked about her still; wondered where she was.  You never gave up and you finally found me, her only relative left on this Earth.

I'm so deeply touched! I wish I could express this so much more eloquently. I just hope you all know that although you were all searching to try to find her, the outcome for me was a deep, loving feeling from her daughter.

I feel like you are all kind of an extension of my Mom and seeing me as successful woman representing not just myself, but of the wonderful, strong woman who raised me.

I'm deeply touched beyond words.

Thank you for never giving up on trying to find her! I tried to tell my Mom she was important, but she never believed me. Now, maybe she finally does after seeing this connection; that's happened because of her.


THANK YOU!

Break Up After an Argument

I've mentioned a few times that I watch "Iynala Fix my life," a TV show that's on Saturday nights on the OWN Channel. The show has been pretty much transforming for me and I highly recommend it.

Of course if you start crying at home on a Saturday night too, lol, you can blame me. But I wont feel bad for you at all! Instead, I will be very happy for you because of how much you will start learning about yourself and why your relationships are the way they are, which will be very beneficial to you and those around you.

Let me state again that the show shares how our childhood, or how we were raised, or how our parents acted makes a direct impact on us as adults.

And this clearly hit me full in the face the other day when I thought of something from my childhood.

One of my very first boyfriend's was a guy from early middle school named Reagan. I thought that was pretty cool at the time because Ronald Reagan was our president and I was too young to comprehend how this guy's first name was Ronald Reagan's last name, lol.

He lived in a community where the kids didn't have parents. It wasn't like a foster home, it was more like a community-type place that housed a lot of kids. And each went to the local schools in the area.

Anyway, one of the ladies who worked at his community drove to my house and gave me flowers on Valentine's Day from him. As I reflect back, that was really quite impressive if you think about having that type of awareness at such a young age to have someone drive flowers to their girlfriend of two weeks who you hadn't even kissed yet lol.

At some point in this very short relationship, we had an argument. I don't remember what the argument was about at all, but after the argument, I assumed that meant we were broken up now! 

And I think this goes directly to what we see as a child.

I don't recall seeing my parents argue, but the last time I saw them together they were not getting along, and the next thing I knew Dad didn't come by the house anymore and they were divorced. So being the naïve child that I was, I therefore thought that when you get into an argument, you break up.

Luckily he explained that it was just an argument and couples don't break up automatically because of that. Whew! Thank goodness, as I think we lasted a couple of more weeks, at least, lol.

I was really lucky he was smart enough at the time to explain to me why we weren't broken up, instead of just being a typical young teenager and just being mad at me.

Hmm, this guy sounds pretty awesome now that I reflect back - I wonder where he is??  Just kidding!  I don't even remember his last name or even what grade we were in.

I want to add that these reflections and understanding of why we do things as adults because of our childhood helps us in our future relationships.  So, don't think that you are ill-fated for relationship doom lol.  Instead, understand that becoming aware of what you saw and felt as child can help you make different decisions in your adult/future relationships, if it's needed.

And the point is of this blog point is to give an example that what happened in my relationship was directly related to viewing my parents' relationship.  Just what Iyanla talks about on the her show.  Pretty cool!

My Mom

I've written a lot of stories from my life that included my Mom, but I realized the other day I hadn't yet expressed how much she means to me and why. Sure, those things might have come across in my stories, but she deserves a dedicated blog entry about her impact on me. :)

First and foremost, my Mom had a heart of gold. She loved animals dearly.  After she retired, she worked at the Humane Society in San Antonio, Texas. However, they actually had to let her go because she would be standoffish, rude and cold to the humans if she found out that they mistreated their pets LOL.

My Mom actually never thought she was a strong woman, but I'm here to tell you she was. She got divorced in 1977 and back then it was very difficult to raise a child on your own. I'm not saying it isn't today, either, but back then women didn't have the same standing as men. You have to understand that in the 70s and 80s it was tough for females. My Mom couldn't even buy a car on her own because she had to have a man cosign! (that still shocks me.) So, even with a low income under the tough times of that era, she still took care of me, herself and the house my Dad left at her footsteps as he walked out. She was actually very, very strong in my eyes.

After she got divorced in 1977, we would travel often to the Texas Hill Country which was an hour and a half from where we lived on the west side of San Antonio. After about a year, she realized how much she loved spending time along the Frio River camping, that she made the decision to buy a couple of acres. She worked overtime for years to help pay for it. But it ended up saving us a lot of money as she didn't have to keep paying camping fees and instead had her own land to put our tent on. I am very proud she bought the land and had a piece of nature with only her name on it. What a feat!

I pretty much "grew up" in the Texas Hill Country on the weekends. We went every weekend for ten years until I was about 17 years old. Camping, fishing, tubing, hiking, watching stars or satellites, being around nature, seeing all the different animals. My love of nature and the outdoors comes directly from the love that my Mom had of nature. And I love that she introduced me to that part of my love life.

She was very protective of me and if anyone ever crossed me or said anything bad about me she wouldn't speak to them ever again (after she gave him the evil eye of course).

My Mom also was very strong when she stopped drinking. She drank most after the divorce. And when she was around 40 years old, she stopped. She was sober for the next 26 years of her life. I was very proud of her for that, even though not realizing at the time how difficult that was.

The love my Mom had for me was so deep and strong and she would do anything for me. That includes making sure I made it into college, helping me get my first car, etc. And she also taught me a good work ethic. I would help her on weekends around the house or doing yard work. What I didn't know was what that would teach me - how important it is to have a good work ethic. She was also very conscientious at her job, and I learned that from her as well.  Oh, and her English and grammar were very good - as I can attest as she got a red pen out when I was in middle school and marked up one of my papers LOL. But I learned to work hard, be dedicated, and give it my all from her. That's why I'm very conscientious, that's why I meet deadlines without prodding, multitask well, etc, etc. All those things, all those traits I learned from her.

I also witnessed her taking night classes to get a new degree to help her move up from secretary to paralegal. She showed what was possible for me.

I wish she saw all these things I saw about her.

She hated that she had got divorced, more so because of what people thought of her. But what I saw was someone who carried on because of the love she had for her daughter.

I'm not saying there weren't some tough times and I'm not saying there were things I learned what not to do (who hasn't lol), but what I am saying is a lot of the reasons I am a successful woman today, is because of the successful, strong Mom I saw growing up.