Gift of Tough Times

I personally think a lot of the tough things I have had to go through in my life is solely to be able to help others in the future who would go through similar situations. If you think about it, tough times can truly be a gift. It may not seem like it at the time (obviously), but to be able to help others and resonate with them during difficult times because you can deeply relate, is truly an amazing thing.

Find Happiness in Everyday Life

I saw a public speaker in January.  His name is Gen Jampa.  He is a Buddhist.  And it was probably the most beneficial, helpful, inspiring talks I have ever had the privileged to witness.  And it came at the most perfect time in my life!

It was held at the Dallas Art Museum, on a day I should have been playing in a women's pool tournament.  This became BY FAR more important than playing pool all day in smokey pool room.  It was life changing for sure. 

Why it was life changing probably wont come out clearly through this blog entry, but I hope it does.

"Desire, a Healthy Perspective."
From the written program:  "when it comes down to it, we do what we wish to do.  Consequently, our desires are a very powerful force.  So it is essential to investigate:  Do our present aspirations actually lead us to a healthy and fulfilling life?"

Here are my scribble notes from his talk:

Find happiness in everyday life.

Recognize unhealthy desires, to "stop" them.

Desire, wish, aspiration.  All the same thing.

Recognize healthy desires so I can do more of them!

Wishes arrive in the mind.

We have wishes all day long, but all revolve around:

1. That we aspire to be happy, 
2. We wish to be free from unhappiness.

Happiness and suffering are an emotion, which is INSIDE!  The cause is inside, not an external dependent.

Learn to be developmental, and that internal peace is the true source of happiness.

Peaceful mind = happiness within ourselves.

Inner peace is different than temporary sense pleasures.

Pleasure are different than happiness.  Pleasures turns into pain (too many thin mints, for example)

Temporary sense pleasures are not happy, not lasting happiness.

True happiness is peace.

Peaceful desire is not desiring things external that make us temporarily happy.

Attachment to an external object is not true happiness.

Pleasures are not true happiness.

Don't keep indulging in those behaviors to addictions and bad behaviors. 

Indulge without restraint; they are bad and not true happiness.

Potential for so much more than temporary happiness and pleasures.  Controlled desire leads to true happiness.

Develop a mature desire.

Improve inner peace.  (one example: mediation).

Improve ourselves internally.

My Dad, Rudy Duncan.

My Dad, Rudy Duncan passed away on Monday, Feb 16th.

His wife called me from his phone and left a vm early the next morning.

When I finally spoke to her, she was very, very much in pain and wailing from her loss.  It was heartbreaking, and I was crying with her.

She told me over and over again how much he loved me.  I am still shocked how she talked more about his love for me, than her loss.

 My Dad and his beautiful wife, Henna.

After hearing about how he passed (aneurysm) and how much he loved me so much and talked about me ALL the time, I finally was able to interrupt her and tell her that he loved her unconditionally and that he told me several times that he stayed with her because she was strong enough for them both.  He always told me he needed a strong woman in his life to help him with the tough things in his life, and then along came his wife, Henna.

They would have been married 32 years this Summer.

I was suppose to see him in April, when I was to go to Virginia for a trip for work.  Henna said he was already making all these plans for us.  ;(

Here is my Dad and I when I was 3 months old:

My Dad wrote to me just in December, "am REALLY glad that I have facebook.  I can see you everyday.
I Love You, Dad"

He told me several times that he liked facebook because of that.  He didn't comment much, but he checked my page everyday he said.

Luckily my birthday was just last week.  While he always calls me on Feb 6th (not my birthday), he called me back again on the correct date (February 9th) so I was able to talk to him twice recently.  I always laughed when he would call on the 6th - he's done that for YEARS for some reason not remembering it's the 9th, lol.  We both would laugh about it. 

My Dad did love me very much.  As did my Mom.  I am very sad and in shock that he is actually really gone.  I could call him at any time, and now there is no one left to call.

He and I were separated for 20 years - he gave me the space I requested - my Mom was too upset that we were talking so I asked for his help that we not contact each other until college.  While we kept in touch through cards, (even though he was a procrastinator and didn't send many cards, he still thought of me every day), I hadn't seen him for many, many years.  In 2005, we decided to meet up and it had been 20 years since I last saw him.

We were both a mess "meeting" each other again but it was the best, most memorable visit I have with him.  We hadn't talked as adults, really, before that.

We then kept in touch and he gave me great advice the next 9 years.  I only saw him a couple more times, so that's why this upcoming April visit was so special to us both.  ;(

I miss him so much and now wish I had spent more quality time with him.  He truly loved me so dearly and so much and I am hearing he talked about me all the time.  And he was GREAT man.

As I matured, I found I had the same good characteristics and personalty he had.  

My Dad told me once he enjoyed reading this blog.  And enjoyed to read about the woman that I had become.  He said he actually suggested certain blog entries to his colleagues b/c they could be so helpful.  All the feedback from him meant so much to me.

I wish we had more photos together.  All the ones I have I'm mostly a little child.  He taught me how to tie my shoes - I don't remember too much more (my parents divorced when I was 7 years old).

I will miss him SO MUCH!!!     This is all so extremely painful.....

I love you, Dad,
Your Pooter Poot,
Always

Ever Miss Yourself?

I saw the above quote on FB a few weeks ago.  Got me thinking.

You know what, I DO miss myself.

I'm TIRED of being depressed and sad and miserable.  I'm tired of the heartache.

I miss the old me.

The girl who used to smile more often.  Who was grateful.  Who had some purpose in life, even if it was a little.

I hardly ever smile now.  Ever laugh.  Ever be, I dunno, even somewhat happy.


I want to smile again.  I actually WANT to stop being so numbingly sad and pathetic.

Really....

Love Lost

Remembering love lost, is like thinking about past bad drunk nights.

You unfortunately only remember the good times, not the bad times that should make you realize how horrible it was.

All those mornings you wake up, "OMG I'm never drinking again."  And then somehow, your brain doesn't remember that as you go back out only a week or so later and REPEAT.

Lost love is the same way.

We have to force ourselves to remember all the bad times of a relationship, because it's easier and let's face it, more enjoyable, to think of the good times.

When instead, we need to remember how bad we were treated.  How many times we cried.  How many times we were treated horribly.

Come on brain - remember all those horrible times we were treated so badly and cried SO many times at work!