Speech for My Mom

Although my Mom did not want a service, my friends and neighbors wanted to hold a Celebration of Life for my Mom, Toni.  I obliged.  And, although it was a very, very emotionally tough day, I am glad I agreed.

I wanted to say some words about my Mom.  And here is the speech I wrote a few days before the Celebration of Life, and no, I did not make it through without crying.  :(

I read it slow, and deliberate. 

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Toni Bailey, My Mom

The past week has been brutal.  Every song on the radio is about death, love, missing someone, etc.  I turned to another station on the drive over here, and Sweet Child of Mine was playing.  Ugh.  I was hoping Baby Got Back would come on or something.

I want to start off by first thanking my dear neighbor, David.  It was no accident that out of all the houses in Fort Worth, Mom and I picked a house next to a Chaplin.  God was watching over us.  David would visit Mom EVERY SINGLE time she was in the hospital.  Even sometimes every other day.  Mom cherished his prayers and visits more than I can say.

I want to thank everyone for being here.  I hate to impose on anyone and it feels real weird you all are here, but at the same time I SO appreciate the love and support I feel.

I’m not sure if Mom would be honored or ticked off right now to see you all here. haha

Mom was born in Up State New York and lived there until she went to college.  As a child and growing up, she was surrounded by beautiful mountains, amazing scenery, snow-filled winters, and nature galore.  I remember as a child when we would visit my Grandfather (her beloved Dad) that we would get sap from maple trees for syrup.

My Mom was THE most important person in my life.  She took care of me on her own when my real father had to leave back in 1976.  Yes, I know, some of you weren’t even born yet.

Back then, it wasn’t easy to take care of a child on your own – my Mom couldn’t even buy a car without being married back in the 1970s. She met my Dad (Tom Bailey) in 1980 or so, and shortly thereafter they got married.  

I was born in Okinawa, Japan (I know, I don’t look Japanese) but Mom and I moved to San Antonio in 1972, and she lived there til 2008.  She lived in San Antonio for Thirty Six years.

My Mom owned some land in the Texas Hill Country (only about an hour and 15 minutes from our house in San Antonio) and we would go there almost every single weekend from when I was 8 to about 16 years old.  You know, 16, that’s about the age we don’t want to go on family vacations anymore.

My Mom used to check the weather starting on Wednesdays to see if the weather was good enough for us to go to The River for the upcoming weekend.  I finally told her one day, "Mom, I'll just become a meteorologist and tell you the weather."  And as many of you know, that is my now profession and has been for 20 years.

I “grew up” along the Frio River.  Beautiful country side filled with awesome oak trees, lots of deer and other animals, and a great river to swim and tube in.  I love and desire nature so much now because I grew up in such a beautiful place with my Mom.  I have so many fond, amazing memories of Mom and I tubing, cooking out, knocking over deer blinds, and wandering the country side together looking for cool rocks or cool animals. 

When my Mom sent me off to college at Texas A&M, it was harder on her than me.  She cried for days.  Her little girl was gone.  But after college I moved back to San Antonio for my job and lived there til about 1998.  I saw my parents often and spoke to them on the phone every other day.

When I moved to Fort Worth in 2000, I had been in Jacksonville, FL for 2 years for work.  I flew my Mom to Florida so she could help me drive back to Texas.  We had walkie talkies and would talk back and forth while she had the dog in the car and I had the cats in my truck.  Yes, cell phones weren't common yet even back in 2000.  We had a great time taking three leisurely days back to Texas.  Yes, I said three days, lol.

Mom had her first long stay in a San Antonio hospital back in 2007.   My Dad passed 5 months later.

Mom and I bought a house together in Fort Worth and moved there in March 2008.  It was the first time she had a house with central air and carpet.  I was a very proud daughter.  :)

Mom had advance emphysema and she struggled through it very proudly and with a lot of strength. She HATED the hospital and wanted to be home so badly every time she had to go in.  

Mom didn’t get out much because she had to wear oxygen 24/hours a day, and she didn’t want people to see her like that.  But one of our last trips outside the home was to Macy’s and Carrabbas just in July. At Macy’s she bought some make-up and loafers.  She also wanted a new purse.  She only wanted the best (she wouldn’t listen to me that we could find a cheaper purse at Target or Walmart).  I pushed her around the store in her little wheel chair and we got all of her goodies.  As I got her in the car, and all of our things, I realized we had not paid for her new purse!  Yep, Mom and Daughter clepto-team.  Now you know the truth about us!  We were so scared people would come running out to arrest us, that we fled the scene!  But, admittedly, she loved that purse.

Mom’s wishes were not to be in a nursing home, not to pass away in a hospital, have me by her side, and to pass away peacefully and not in pain.  She got every wish.

While we sat together in Hospice, I put sunglasses on her. She looked like a rock star!  I held her hand, cried, described the pictures on the wall to her, cried, talked about The River, told her over and over again how much I loved her.  I sure wish she could have responded to me.  :(

She means more to me than anything and I will never be the same.  

My Mom gave up a lot of sacrifices for me.  I only saw the best Mom in the world who loved her daughter with all her might.  She also loved animals.  She worked at the humane society after she retired and she would get angry at the customers when they treated their pets badly.  Mom was ”talked to” several times for her attitude, lol.  But, she cared for animals deeply.

In the hospital she would tell all the nurses I was her favorite daughter.  Then I would have to add, “I’m her only daughter” and we would all laugh.

My Mom had a huge heart, was very caring, loved people with all her might, cherished that I had such great friends, and we were best friends.  I could talk to her about anything.  Yep, even sex.  Right, Brian? 

Her unconditional love for me is something I will treasure the rest of my life.  She told me on many occasions I was the love of her life.  And I would hug her tightly and say, “you too.” 

If you got to meet my lovely Mom, I think you are truly blessed.  She was one in a million.  And this has been the hardest week of my life.

Funeral Home Blues

The hospice place where my Mom had her final hours (August 19) recommended a place for cremation (Mom's wishes).

I called the funeral home Saturday morning, as I was told to call them the next morning following Mom's passing.

The funeral guy on the phone bluntly said he couldn't meet that day and "he was going out of town anyway."

What? 

But I want my Mom cremated!

The day my Dad passed, we went to the funeral home and he was cremated right away.  Granted that was 4 years ago and in a different city, but we were able to meet and make arrangements right away.

So, I expected to meet with this funeral home asap so they could cremate my Mom right away. 

He said they had to get county and city permits anyway and those offices weren't open til Monday.

He said he could make me an appt for 11am Monday.  I asked it be sooner in the morning and he said he had a viewing t 10 and couldn't do it before 11.  So I relinquished.

Then the donation bank called me.  The lovely lady offered her genuine condolences right away for my loss.  She asked if she could record our convo and I said I wasn't ready and started to bawl.

I shared with her my convo with the funeral home guy and she told me cremation takes two days by law, and that indeed he was right: they had to wait for the permits only. 

She also assured me Mom was being taken care of. 

"Are you sure she's okay?" I asked through tears.

"Yes, the M. E.'s office has her in a fridge and are taking care of her."

"Promise?" I ask bawling and shaking.

"I promise" she said softly and assuring.

I also shared with her the guy never said he was sorry or offered his condolences.  She suggested I call another funeral home who could meet with me today but I was too emotionally exhausted to start calling around.

When I arrived Monday morning at 11am at the funeral home, I had a friend in tow so I wasn't alone.  I met with a lady (not the guy who was on the phone from Saturday) and she handled all the paperwork. 

At the very beginning she asked, "What is his birthday?"

What?

"His?"

"It's my Mom" I said with an raised agitated voice.  She replied quickly, "Oh, I was given the wrong info.  I'm sorry," as she crossed out "male" and marks "female" on the form.

"How is her name spelled?" I inquired.

"T O N I."

Okay, so they got that right and you think a TONI is a male??

Half way through the "meeting," I recognized she had yet to offer her condolences either, just like the other guy on the phone call from Saturday.

I waited til the very end.  I waited til the final hand shake to see if she would say anything.

Instead, she simply ended the meeting with, "I'll call you when she's ready.  Thank you." And shook my hand.

As we walked down the hall to leave, I turned to her and told her I had something to say about the phone call on Saturday.

"He never offered his condolences.  As a matter of fact, you haven't either."

She stood there and replied, "I am so sorry."

Hmm... was she sorry for my Mom's passing or that she didn't say she was sorry?

She stopped me again and said she would take my words of advice into consideration and thanked me for saying something.

I turned to her and told her, "This is one of the the most difficult times in my life and I can't believe I have to offer your business such obvious advice."

She thanked me again and said she appreciated the feedback.

I go home and look up how to submit an obituary.  The funeral home has to do it.

What??

I send the newspaper an email asking if I can do it myself.  They tell me via email Tuesday morning I have to go through the funeral home.

Why didn't the funeral home tell me this?  Why would they not bring this up?  I had no idea I had to go through them.  We were able to email my Dad's obit, so I guess things have changed, but how was I to know that? 

The lady from the funeral home calls me just a couple of hours later and tells me Mom is ready.  Still no condolences.  I tell her I will TRY to pick her up later that day (Tuesday). I know it's going to be very difficult for me to pick up her ashes.  I also mention I would like to submit an obit.  She replies, "okay."

I call the newspaper on Tuesday afternoon and explain to the lady I simply can't pick up my Mom (which is also where I'm suppose to submit an obit) and therefore I would like to come in to the newspaper place and submit an obit in person.  She seems very agitated with me and snips, "The funeral home has the program to do this online.  You'd have to open an account, and it would take 20 minutes or more, and you'd have to do it by noon to get it in the next days paper."

I reply exhausted, "I just want to submit her obit." 

Realizing I'm in a no-win situation and knowing I have to submit an obit soon for Mom's Celebration on Life on Sunday, I somehow manage to drive to the funeral home on Wednesday to pick up Mom.

A guy is there and also the lady who helped me Monday.  I do not know if the guy is the same one I spoke to on the phone Saturday or not.

He helps me with the obit, him and his dry tone and careless attitude.  I felt like I was a bother.

I told the lady it was tough to pick up my Mom and she replies, "I know."

Still no condolences.

REALLY?

Then I mention, "is it common practice for people to do obits?"

"Only if the family wants to."

She didn't see what I was getting at.  I should have been more clear.  Like, "Then why didn't you mention it to me on Monday??  I had no idea funeral homes had to submit obits."

She brought out Mom, I cried.  No hug, of course.  No words of encouragement.

I realize they do this day in and day out but really?  Isn't of obvious out of everyone we deal with after a death that the funeral home would show the most compassion? 

After paying for the obit (yep, it's cost by letter/word) I got in my car somehow with Mom and bawled my little eyes out.

I called my friend who had joined me on Monday because I needed to talk to someone.  I told her I picked up Mom and submitted her obit.  She says so sweetly, "which picture did you use?"

Huh?

What?

OMG, REALLY?

The funeral home didn't mention I could use a photo!  I know as I type this it makes total sense, but I am in shock about my Mom's death and barely surviving, so of course I hadn't thought of a photo. 

So, why the !#@$%^&! wouldn't the funeral home mention it to me??

Why couldn't they simply ask "have a photo, Honey?"

Really????

To say I am stunned and pissed is a an understatement.  I am shocked that I had to deal with such a crappy funeral home experience.

Yes, they did their job - cremated Mom.  But I would rather be telling you how they took care of me and Mom, and were comforting in my time in need.  Instead, I had a horrible experience.

So badly, I'm going to share with you the name of the funeral home, because I don't want anyone else to go through this unprofessionalism during a rough time.

Alpine Funeral Home on Sylvania Avenue in Fort Worth, Texas.

Only Child or Siblings?

Being an only child has its benefits. You always get a car first, you don't get hand me downs, you don't hear "your brother/sister never did that when they were young," and more importantly, you get spoiled.

There's no other siblings to fight for affection and you come first. You also never have to worry about favorites.  (I have heard one of the worst things about having siblings is when you have thought your whole life that for some reason another was "the favorite." )

I'm sure there are benefits to having siblings. I don't have any siblings, but I bet they had fun playing games with each other (I never had a board game opponent), and they could go shopping together and share items. They could also offer advice to their younger siblings and also have someone look after them at school when they got in trouble.

When us "children" get older, it means our parents get older. It means we have choices to make at difficult times. It means when they get ill, you have to make decisions. Whatever the decision is, it's not easy.

One of my coworkers told me I was lucky to be an only child. I was surprised he would say that. But he said when it was time to make the "decision" about his Dad, the siblings did not agree and it caused a huge emotional fight and caused rifts that may never be sealed back. He said I was lucky that it was just me who had to make decisions about my Mom.

Really?

Come sit with me in the hospital by myself. Come spend countless hours being the only one here. There are no "taking shifts," like siblings share. There is no one else. There is no one to hug, no one to lean on.

Really? I'm lucky?

I do understand what he meant. He meant that I have no one to argue with about decisions; about what is best for my Mom. He meant that he has clashed so many times with his siblings during important life decisions, it's caused immense pain and emotional suffering between them. He meant that when they couldn't agree what to do on his Dad's final days, it was brutal.

However, one way to resolve this is to find out ahead of time what the final wishes are for your parents. What do they want? Haven't talked about it with them? Maybe your parents know, but haven't told you. Maybe they don't realize how old they really are, and YOU need to bring it up (for the betterment of your entire family).

However, don't congratulate me for being an only child.

The one thing I can say that I do NOT have to deal with is sibling animosity. I have seen this a lot through simple comments from friends and coworkers. Usually one sibling always sticks near the nest. The other siblings move away. For whatever reason this seems to happen. And even if one or more do no stay near the nest, when the parents get old enough, the parents have to move near to one of the siblings (usually near the sibling who could help them most).

Don't get me wrong - I haven't found a parent yet that WANTS help from their child or who WANTS their child to care for them or help them every day. It's a very difficult thing for anyone to accept they are too old and need help.

My point is, though - the close siblings who take care of the parents get frustrated, exhausted, tired, stressed, and...... resentful. They resent their other siblings who are far away and not dealing with the day to day health problems and issues and concerns. They see you come visit, but get to leave. They see you come visit and then try to offer advice. Really? Where have YOU been?

To be a caretaker causes one to be emotionally overextended and exhausted with both physical fatigue and a sense of feeling psychologically and emotionally drained. So, the caretaker gets jealous and resentful they have to feel like that all the time.

Even a few of my friends used to tell me, "I can't handle being there."

Wow, really?

Because your siblings have no choice. Ever think of that?

That's one of the major things I can say I enjoy about being an only child - I have no resentment over or against anyone. I feel it's my right and duty to be my Mom's caretaker. She took care of me, I take care of her.

Do I feel extremely desolate because I'm all alone handling everything?  Sure, who wouldn't.  Do I cry uncontrollably because I have no one to hug and no one here for me?  Of course.  But I don't feel bad for myself that I'm in this position to be able to help the woman who created me and brought me up. I love her with all my heart.

And I wish today more than anything she was out of this hospital and back in her own bed at our house watching her favorite shows on tv.

Living Room Mini Make-Over

My Before and After living room.  From drab to fab.  I'm proud of my little mini make over because I hardly ever do things like this, so I thought I would share.  :)

BEFORE (above) - the missing saddle chair, now seen below:

AFTER (above) new saddle chair.  I think it adds quite nicely.

BEFORE (above) - Blah pictures on the wall, no colors except brown and tan.

After - blue pillows on couch and chair, blue accessories on table next to TV, and a cute blue table next to the couch.  And two new pics with some blue in them!

Close up of the blue accessories, blue pic, and blue pillows on the antique chair. 

BEFORE - kinda drab.  Not ugly, just drab.

AFTER - Much much prettier, imo.  The blue and brown and different shades of each really make the room so much pleasant on the eyes.

BEFORE (above) - Very pretty mantel and pieces on it, but with the blue pieces added (see below,) it really brightens up the area! 

 

AFTER - You can't really tell in the pic (unless you click to enlarge) but the glass vases have blue potpourri in them.  And the VERY pretty small blue bird really stands out.  The blue flowers in the vase are nice, but that can be even better (will do that when I find better flowers).