Court

I went to court and stood before the judge this morning. I grabbed a tissue while I walked up to his "throne." I cried and could barely speak as I had to read my testimony out loud to him. Tears were falling on the paper and my blue sweater as I tried so hard to read through my blurred vision from the tears dripping off my face. There were many people around (I didn't know any of them), but I still stood there and cried in front of them.

The judge granted the divorce.

I went alone; Tony signed a waiver that he agreed to the divorce so he didn't have to be there, but he still tried to change shifts so he could at least drop me off or go in with me, but he couldn't find anyone to trade shifts with him.

I am sad. It doesn't matter if it's the right thing to, it's still depressing as hell. I feel like a failure and I feel like a piece of my life has been altered forever. It's such a tragic ending to a relationship. Breaking up is hard enough - to have to make a break up "official" is much more damming to the soul. No wonder I have been so weepy lately.

No, I don't change my mind and yes, I know it's what I need to do to be happy, but it has been hard...

My Crooked Tooth

I have this crooked tooth - top, right in the front. I took a photo of it a few months ago:So, you can see on the left (even tho it's my right - this is looking in a mirror) that my tooth next to the my front two teeth is crooked and there is a lot of space between the top and bottom teeth in that area.

While I never thought it look terrible, I did sometimes not smile as long because I was a "little" self conscious.

Well, I decided to get a veneer! This high-cost fake tooth has several steps before it's added to my mouth. I first have a temporary put on that is made of hard plastic while the "real" veneer is being carved to perfection based on all the impressions they made of my teeth the day they added the temporary.

I went to the dentist about 4 weeks after I got my temp tooth and was SO excited. I was told it would look like a mirror image of the other tooth on the other side. I was psyched. My Mom was also excited -she paid for my braces and always wanted my teeth to be straight.... but I didn't wear my retainer enough and that particular tooth got crooked on me. I went to an orthodontist to see if the veneer would be okay - if he thought the teeth would be moving too much, I wouldn't be able to get the veneer, but he told me and my dentist it would be fine. :)

So, I sit there for 20 minutes before the tech comes in and then she can't get the temp out - they need to numb me to pull it out (she put it on good!). The dentist comments (while he's numbing my gums with a needle) that the temp looks good. "yeah, I know," I think to myself. :) I LOVE it! I noticed after I got the temp that I would keep smiling when talking to people, and not hide my smile or be self conscious about it. I was aware of my smile, but realized I wanted to keep smiling now, because I did not feel weird about that crooked tooth.

Ironically, no one probably ever noticed it, but the night I got the temp I asked Tony what he thought and he didn't even know I had a crooked tooth! So, it could just be me... but as I look at this photo of my temp, I think it looks better than the photo above:


See how the gap is missing from the bottom and top teeth? See how it no longer looks so crooked? Yeah, my front two teeth aren't perfect, but the temp looks fantastic (IMO!).

Here they are side by side:

So... she finally gets the temp out and she puts the brand new veneer in and the tech hands me a mirror. My chin starts to quiver and I immediately cry. The tooth looks terrible! It doesn't even look like a tooth - straight on the bottom (not curved) and flat instead of beveled, and there was this huge gap still! Tears are flowing down my cheeks and the tech is trying to calm me down and she shoots off to find the dentist.

As he arrives (with tissues) I tell him through my numb mouth and crying voice what I "thought" it would look like. He said he completely understood and they would send it back to the lab that forms the veneers. He told me it's my smile and wants me to be happy, as I apologize and am embarrassed at the same time shocked.

The tears that came out immediately and the feeling of crying in an instant was a shock to me. It was a very weird, emotional feeling. On top of all that, as I sat there and cried, I also thought how stupid it was for me to even be in this situation - if I would have worn my retainer all those years, or was more persistent in trying to get it fixed those 5 times I went to the orthodontist, I wouldn't be in this situation.

The tech put the temp back on and I told her I wasn't coming back for the veneer because hers was much better. She laughed at me, but I was sorta serious. ;) But, she made an impression of the temp and will be sending that to the lab along with the "not-melinda-approved" veneer. She told me to stop apologizing, but I was still so upset but also felt bad for not being happy with it, but for how much I paid for it AND for what I was expecting (mirror image of the other tooth and because I LOVED the look of the temp so much), I was highly disappointed.

I guess I felt if I kept that veneer, I'd be going back to hiding my smile... and I just didn't want that. It felt great to smile... it makes me cry to even write those words.

I got in the car, called my Mom and simply balled my eyes out.

I hope at the end of February I have a nice ending to this self-important (and expensive) story. LOL.