Only Child or Siblings?

Being an only child has its benefits. You always get a car first, you don't get hand me downs, you don't hear "your brother/sister never did that when they were young," and more importantly, you get spoiled.

There's no other siblings to fight for affection and you come first. You also never have to worry about favorites.  (I have heard one of the worst things about having siblings is when you have thought your whole life that for some reason another was "the favorite." )

I'm sure there are benefits to having siblings. I don't have any siblings, but I bet they had fun playing games with each other (I never had a board game opponent), and they could go shopping together and share items. They could also offer advice to their younger siblings and also have someone look after them at school when they got in trouble.

When us "children" get older, it means our parents get older. It means we have choices to make at difficult times. It means when they get ill, you have to make decisions. Whatever the decision is, it's not easy.

One of my coworkers told me I was lucky to be an only child. I was surprised he would say that. But he said when it was time to make the "decision" about his Dad, the siblings did not agree and it caused a huge emotional fight and caused rifts that may never be sealed back. He said I was lucky that it was just me who had to make decisions about my Mom.

Really?

Come sit with me in the hospital by myself. Come spend countless hours being the only one here. There are no "taking shifts," like siblings share. There is no one else. There is no one to hug, no one to lean on.

Really? I'm lucky?

I do understand what he meant. He meant that I have no one to argue with about decisions; about what is best for my Mom. He meant that he has clashed so many times with his siblings during important life decisions, it's caused immense pain and emotional suffering between them. He meant that when they couldn't agree what to do on his Dad's final days, it was brutal.

However, one way to resolve this is to find out ahead of time what the final wishes are for your parents. What do they want? Haven't talked about it with them? Maybe your parents know, but haven't told you. Maybe they don't realize how old they really are, and YOU need to bring it up (for the betterment of your entire family).

However, don't congratulate me for being an only child.

The one thing I can say that I do NOT have to deal with is sibling animosity. I have seen this a lot through simple comments from friends and coworkers. Usually one sibling always sticks near the nest. The other siblings move away. For whatever reason this seems to happen. And even if one or more do no stay near the nest, when the parents get old enough, the parents have to move near to one of the siblings (usually near the sibling who could help them most).

Don't get me wrong - I haven't found a parent yet that WANTS help from their child or who WANTS their child to care for them or help them every day. It's a very difficult thing for anyone to accept they are too old and need help.

My point is, though - the close siblings who take care of the parents get frustrated, exhausted, tired, stressed, and...... resentful. They resent their other siblings who are far away and not dealing with the day to day health problems and issues and concerns. They see you come visit, but get to leave. They see you come visit and then try to offer advice. Really? Where have YOU been?

To be a caretaker causes one to be emotionally overextended and exhausted with both physical fatigue and a sense of feeling psychologically and emotionally drained. So, the caretaker gets jealous and resentful they have to feel like that all the time.

Even a few of my friends used to tell me, "I can't handle being there."

Wow, really?

Because your siblings have no choice. Ever think of that?

That's one of the major things I can say I enjoy about being an only child - I have no resentment over or against anyone. I feel it's my right and duty to be my Mom's caretaker. She took care of me, I take care of her.

Do I feel extremely desolate because I'm all alone handling everything?  Sure, who wouldn't.  Do I cry uncontrollably because I have no one to hug and no one here for me?  Of course.  But I don't feel bad for myself that I'm in this position to be able to help the woman who created me and brought me up. I love her with all my heart.

And I wish today more than anything she was out of this hospital and back in her own bed at our house watching her favorite shows on tv.