Funeral Home Blues

The hospice place where my Mom had her final hours (August 19) recommended a place for cremation (Mom's wishes).

I called the funeral home Saturday morning, as I was told to call them the next morning following Mom's passing.

The funeral guy on the phone bluntly said he couldn't meet that day and "he was going out of town anyway."

What? 

But I want my Mom cremated!

The day my Dad passed, we went to the funeral home and he was cremated right away.  Granted that was 4 years ago and in a different city, but we were able to meet and make arrangements right away.

So, I expected to meet with this funeral home asap so they could cremate my Mom right away. 

He said they had to get county and city permits anyway and those offices weren't open til Monday.

He said he could make me an appt for 11am Monday.  I asked it be sooner in the morning and he said he had a viewing t 10 and couldn't do it before 11.  So I relinquished.

Then the donation bank called me.  The lovely lady offered her genuine condolences right away for my loss.  She asked if she could record our convo and I said I wasn't ready and started to bawl.

I shared with her my convo with the funeral home guy and she told me cremation takes two days by law, and that indeed he was right: they had to wait for the permits only. 

She also assured me Mom was being taken care of. 

"Are you sure she's okay?" I asked through tears.

"Yes, the M. E.'s office has her in a fridge and are taking care of her."

"Promise?" I ask bawling and shaking.

"I promise" she said softly and assuring.

I also shared with her the guy never said he was sorry or offered his condolences.  She suggested I call another funeral home who could meet with me today but I was too emotionally exhausted to start calling around.

When I arrived Monday morning at 11am at the funeral home, I had a friend in tow so I wasn't alone.  I met with a lady (not the guy who was on the phone from Saturday) and she handled all the paperwork. 

At the very beginning she asked, "What is his birthday?"

What?

"His?"

"It's my Mom" I said with an raised agitated voice.  She replied quickly, "Oh, I was given the wrong info.  I'm sorry," as she crossed out "male" and marks "female" on the form.

"How is her name spelled?" I inquired.

"T O N I."

Okay, so they got that right and you think a TONI is a male??

Half way through the "meeting," I recognized she had yet to offer her condolences either, just like the other guy on the phone call from Saturday.

I waited til the very end.  I waited til the final hand shake to see if she would say anything.

Instead, she simply ended the meeting with, "I'll call you when she's ready.  Thank you." And shook my hand.

As we walked down the hall to leave, I turned to her and told her I had something to say about the phone call on Saturday.

"He never offered his condolences.  As a matter of fact, you haven't either."

She stood there and replied, "I am so sorry."

Hmm... was she sorry for my Mom's passing or that she didn't say she was sorry?

She stopped me again and said she would take my words of advice into consideration and thanked me for saying something.

I turned to her and told her, "This is one of the the most difficult times in my life and I can't believe I have to offer your business such obvious advice."

She thanked me again and said she appreciated the feedback.

I go home and look up how to submit an obituary.  The funeral home has to do it.

What??

I send the newspaper an email asking if I can do it myself.  They tell me via email Tuesday morning I have to go through the funeral home.

Why didn't the funeral home tell me this?  Why would they not bring this up?  I had no idea I had to go through them.  We were able to email my Dad's obit, so I guess things have changed, but how was I to know that? 

The lady from the funeral home calls me just a couple of hours later and tells me Mom is ready.  Still no condolences.  I tell her I will TRY to pick her up later that day (Tuesday). I know it's going to be very difficult for me to pick up her ashes.  I also mention I would like to submit an obit.  She replies, "okay."

I call the newspaper on Tuesday afternoon and explain to the lady I simply can't pick up my Mom (which is also where I'm suppose to submit an obit) and therefore I would like to come in to the newspaper place and submit an obit in person.  She seems very agitated with me and snips, "The funeral home has the program to do this online.  You'd have to open an account, and it would take 20 minutes or more, and you'd have to do it by noon to get it in the next days paper."

I reply exhausted, "I just want to submit her obit." 

Realizing I'm in a no-win situation and knowing I have to submit an obit soon for Mom's Celebration on Life on Sunday, I somehow manage to drive to the funeral home on Wednesday to pick up Mom.

A guy is there and also the lady who helped me Monday.  I do not know if the guy is the same one I spoke to on the phone Saturday or not.

He helps me with the obit, him and his dry tone and careless attitude.  I felt like I was a bother.

I told the lady it was tough to pick up my Mom and she replies, "I know."

Still no condolences.

REALLY?

Then I mention, "is it common practice for people to do obits?"

"Only if the family wants to."

She didn't see what I was getting at.  I should have been more clear.  Like, "Then why didn't you mention it to me on Monday??  I had no idea funeral homes had to submit obits."

She brought out Mom, I cried.  No hug, of course.  No words of encouragement.

I realize they do this day in and day out but really?  Isn't of obvious out of everyone we deal with after a death that the funeral home would show the most compassion? 

After paying for the obit (yep, it's cost by letter/word) I got in my car somehow with Mom and bawled my little eyes out.

I called my friend who had joined me on Monday because I needed to talk to someone.  I told her I picked up Mom and submitted her obit.  She says so sweetly, "which picture did you use?"

Huh?

What?

OMG, REALLY?

The funeral home didn't mention I could use a photo!  I know as I type this it makes total sense, but I am in shock about my Mom's death and barely surviving, so of course I hadn't thought of a photo. 

So, why the !#@$%^&! wouldn't the funeral home mention it to me??

Why couldn't they simply ask "have a photo, Honey?"

Really????

To say I am stunned and pissed is a an understatement.  I am shocked that I had to deal with such a crappy funeral home experience.

Yes, they did their job - cremated Mom.  But I would rather be telling you how they took care of me and Mom, and were comforting in my time in need.  Instead, I had a horrible experience.

So badly, I'm going to share with you the name of the funeral home, because I don't want anyone else to go through this unprofessionalism during a rough time.

Alpine Funeral Home on Sylvania Avenue in Fort Worth, Texas.