Looks And Women

My Mom always cared about my opinion and what I thought about her clothes and make-up.  Even when she got older (in her 60s), she still cared about her looks, and my approval or not.

I'd pick her up from the house, be rushed because I was late taking her to one of her many doctor appts.  She'd sit there quiet in the car while I raced down the streets, and finally she couldn't stand it, "Is this blouse okay?" (it was usually one of mine)

I'd glance over, "Looks great, Mom."

I'd try to concentrate back on the road because we were late and there was traffic, and she'd have another question for me, that she asked in a child-like, innocent voice, "and what about my make up?"

I'd glance again and reply, "It looks fine, Mom.  I like it."

Then she'd smile as she turned to gaze out the window.

Then, "Are you sure?  I tried a new eyeshadow."

"Yes, Mom.  Really."  Too worried to tell her the green wasn't the BEST color, or else she'd make me turn around and drive her back home.

My Mom would even wear her wigs to the Emergency Rooms.  Or not want to me to take her to the ER if she hadn't had a bath.  "Mom, you really need to go, who cares about a bath," I'd stress to her.  She would tell me, "Just bathe me tonight after you get off of work, then I'll go in tomorrow."  Most times, that meant she would put me off giving her a bath, and a couple of days would go by and her breathing would get too bad and I would have to call 911 to take her in because I couldn't get her to the car by myself.

She always cared so much what others thought of her.  I finally told her the truth one day, "Mom, no one cares about how you look, we are all too busy worrying how WE look."  The running joke was, "Not everything is about you. "

I really tried to stress to her that people worried more about themselves; and that they prolly didn't even notice her.  But, I do wish I would have looked over at her closely EVERY TIME we went somewhere.  That *I* initiated words of encouragement about her appearance and expressed something good about her appearance - her wig, lipstick, clothes, jeans, foundation.  I now wish I would give her what she yearned for most - comfort from her only daughter that she looked okay.

I seriously meant it that my Mom would wear her wigs to the Emergency Room.  They'd wheel her down the hallway on a gurney for an x-ray of her lungs, and her wig would move sideways and she'd try to fix it, like no one ever noticed. ;)

One time I visited my Grandmother in a nursing community in Georgia.  That particular day, they rounded up all the elderly folks on a bus and shuffled them to a big department store, before it was open to the public.  They served orange juice and a small snack to the group of fine, distinguished, very old, wrinkled men and women.  I was astonished that the only place in the store with helpers was the cosmetics counter!  Here were 80+ year-old women with deep wrinkles, buying wrinkle creams and solutions.  I was mortified at the ladies behind the counter taking my Grandma's money and her friends.

Someone told me once, "It doesn't matter how old a woman gets, they ALWAYS want to look good."  My Mom enjoyed still trying to look her best in a hospital bed away from home, even though it was tough.  I would comb her hair, bring her emery boards for her nails, wash her face a night for her.

I know I cannot go out of the house without mascara and lipstick (I look scary), but I do wonder if one day I wont care.  Thirty years from now (if I'm unlucky/lucky) to be alive, will I still wonder about my haircut and want to put on makeup?

Remember, though, "Everyone is too busy worrying about how they look, rather than how you look."

My Mom was an obese child.  Her nickname was "Toni Toni two by four, can't get through the bathroom door, so she did it on the floor."

She was made fun of her WHOLE childhood and therefore, she was obsessed with her weight as an adult.  If she gained weight from the steroids she had to take for her emphysema, she would literally not want to leave the house.  She was miserable until she got back down to a size 8, and then upset she wasn't her size 4 that she was most her adult life.

It makes sense why I also care a lot about how I look, because that's what I learned from her as a child; what I witnessed obsessively.  I also know so many other women that their happiness is directly dependent on their looks (how they think others see themselves) - whether via attractiveness, clothes, or weight.  Usually, our weight the most.

We YEARN to hear from others if we look okay, new blouse, etc.  Compliments can make or break a girls spirit.  Sad, isn't it? 

My Mom was very lucky in that she didn't look her age.  You would only know she was prolly in her 50s/60s if you saw her real hair color under the wigs.  She used Neutrogena wrinkle cream and she had no crows feet or deep wrinkles at all.  Lucky bitch.  Gosh I miss her with all my heart.  What I wouldn't give to tell her I love the shirt she chose to wear, give her a big long hug, and help her wash her face so she can put on her wrinkle cream.

Happiness Is a Journey, Not a Destination

Even though I live like this already, doesn't hurt to share and/or be reminded:

We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we're frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are. After that, we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We'll certainly be happy when they're out of that stage.

We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice vacation, when we retire.

The truth is, there's no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when?

Your life will always be filled with challenges. It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway.

One of my favorite quotes comes from Alfred D. Souza. He said, "For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, or a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life."

This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have and treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time with...and remember that time waits for no one.

So, stop waiting until you finish school, until you go back to school, until you lose ten pounds, until you gain ten pounds, until you have kids, until your kids leave the house, until you start work, until you retire, until you get married, until you get divorced, until Friday night, until Sunday morning, until you get a new car or home, until your car or home is paid off, until spring, until summer, until fall, until winter, until you're off welfare, until the first or fifteenth, until your song comes on, until you've had a drink, until you've sobered up, until you die, until you're born again to decide that there is no better time than right now to be happy.

Happiness is a journey, not a destination.

Introvert

My boyfriend is an introvert.  I need to remember the above points!  It will help our relationship (and he'll prolly not get as snippy with me when I do # 7, esp). 

Random Acts of Kindess

I'll never forget this random act of kindness I witnessed.  It may seem minor, but it was an amazing gesture of kindness.

I was out for lunch with about 20 coworkers - some visiting from other cities, some from my office- and we went to eat at a nearby restaurant within walking distance. We had to wait for everyone to pay their tab, so about half of us walked out of the restaurant, and were standing outside.

A parking meter police guy was walking around, checking the meters. One of the meters was expired, and one of the guys in my group walked over, asked the policeman if he could put coins in the meter, and the cop said yes.

My coworker didn't know who owned the car, but he put in 50 cents and saved the guy from a parking ticket!

I admit I was in complete shock. Why didn't I think of that? Why didn't anyone else in the group think of it? The rest of us stood there watching the cop start to write a ticket, but this coworker walked right up and helped out a stranger.

Because we had to wait so long, eventually the guy who owns the car came out and he was told what happened and he thanked my coworker.

I know it really seems minor, but it was awesome. And, this happened about 5-7 years ago!

After I shared this story on a forum, a friend shared his story.  It was so moving, I HAVE to share it!

(if you are friends with me, you might know him.  His initials are M.V.N.)

When I was young… maybe 8 or 9 years old, I lived in Winona, MN.  We were pretty poor and often we'd go shopping at the local Salvation Army store. They had all manner of items from toys to clothing… well, mostly clothing… and for less than 5 dollars, you could pretty much buy anything in the store. In fact, one dollar would go a long way. I remember having a bunch of change in my pocket, maybe 60 cents at the most and feeling pretty good about my prospects.

When you're young, you watch a lot of people. In fact, children are naturally very curious… and on this particular day, I happened to be watching the lady at the cash register. I saw a very old man walk up with a black, silk scarf and ask the lady at the register how much it was, commenting that it was for his wife. The lady at the register replied to him that it was 5 cents. At this, the man reached into his pocket and pulled out a very old and very worn wallet… and pulled out a single penny. This was all he had… and I was struck by how poor he was at that moment. I almost offered to buy the scarf for him, but the lady at the register kindly told him that the penny was enough. He gave her the penny and he left with his scarf.

Now I was young, so I don't remember the situation perfectly, but I do know that this moment in time affected me greatly. I witnessed two great things in a single moment… a man who loved his wife so greatly that he spent his last penny on a scarf for her and the lady at the register showing great kindness by recognizing that selling him the scarf for a single penny was the right thing to do.

To this day, I keep this moment in my mind and always try to love unconditionally and always try to show kindness to others.