Avoiding Hurt, Hurts

I've been struggling for the last few weeks with honesty.

Why can I not fully tell someone the truth because I'm so afraid to hurt them?

You'd think after all the leadership classes and life experiences that I would know how to word things in a way as to not hurt people. At least not hurt them as bad as I could without thinking about my wording first. Instead, I have been just avoiding situations.

I haven't been telling people the true reason for some things, and I feel bad. You think I could accept not hurting my friends - I mean, who wants to hurt anyone? But lately it has taken it's toll on me. Instead of hurting my friends with words, I have hurt them by NOT telling them reasons for my behavior. It's been a pretty rough time with this lately. I think if this happened once every two years or something, maybe it wouldn't weigh on me so much, but in reality, since last November "this" has started and then it happened again in Jan and full force in May and July.

I still sometimes think maybe I made the right decisions because what I should have told them really would have hurt them. But in reality, I have hurt some of my friends already without even speaking to them the whys of my actions and nonactions.

I lost some friends along the way. All because I don't want to hurt them.

In other situations, I avoid so much wanting to share my true feelings because of embarrassment and not wanting to share the truth, that I continue to not say things.

Over the weekend I expressed all this to a friend and they told me "you are okay and still a good person." But am I really? Some hurtful words are truly pointless to ever say, but other words could help people. Of course other times it's to save face.

Struggles.

Hurt.

Pain.

Reflection.

I wonder if maybe I am thinking a lot more about this lately not only because I have been avoiding hurting my friends, but also because I have witnessed full force people being completely honest about things. Saying it like it is. I mean, the words they are saying are very open and they are being friends by saying things. But I have to admit they aren't just spouting off things AT me.

Other things I have witnessed are people on the internet not afraid to say things; to anyone. It's such a weird thing for me to see - hurtful words in front of everyone. People saying exactly what they think; being rude and crappy. I don't get it. Does anyone not think of how their words affect people. Empathy? Care? Hello?

People have told me 'saying it like it is' helps others and helps me. Well, maybe that's true because lately this is one of the things I have been struggling with. :(

Isn't the Answer Obvious?

There is a headline over at People.com: "Would You Watch a Reality Show About Bristol and Levi?"

Um, not only no, but heck no. Seriously? That's a serious question? OMG....

So, I checked out the results of the poll, and I'm not alone! Out of like 15,000 votes, 27% think they'd be 'fun to watch,' while us other 73% say they are not interesting.

I'm Still Her... :(

I had a rough weekend. Lots going on with me internally. I found out some things about myself that I am not proud of. Without going into specifics, I found out I am the female I never wanted to be anymore. I found out that all my "talk" of not being that person, was really still deep inside me and came out of me this past weekend in an ugly way.

Bottom line - I can't control my emotions still. Even when I KNOW not to say something to someone, even when I KNOW it's not the right time to express how unhappy I am, I still do it... and I did it this past weekend.

Why can I not wait sometimes? Why do I sometimes have no control over expresing my hurt emotions? I sometimes just HAVE to express my disappointment or hurtfulness even when the time is not right. Even when I'm fully aware "Don't say anything right now..." I still sometimes do it.

It was a very tough realization that I am still that person I was in my 20s. Very disappointing.