One Year Sad Anniversary

One year ago today, Sept 14th, my Dad passed away. We found him in his room, my Mom and I. Our lives were immediately turned upside down and we honestly haven't been the same since.
I love my Dad and I miss him oh so much. I talk to him often and can tear up easily when I think of him.

On Friday, I considered it the anniversary because he passed away this weekend on that Friday early morning, but today - Sept 14 - is the date of his passing.

I stayed home today and am working around the house. I didn't go see a movie, run an errand or practice. I stayed home. I don't know if my Mom noticed, but I am glad I stayed home today. I put his hospital bed in one of the upstairs bedrooms of my Mom and I's new house, along with some of his other things. I call it "Dad's room" when I need to tell my Mom where I put the Christmas paper or the extra cords.

I have my suitcases in there and every time I go off somewhere, that's where I pack all my things - around his spirit. He always wanted me to be safe.

I wonder why none of his relatives have emailed me today. Wonder how my Mom is handling today as I go about my business moving some things around and working on the internet and taking a nap. It's actually very beautiful outside - the sunny sky left over from the remnants of Ike.

My Dad wouldn't have been outside, but he would be following all the juicy talk about the candidates!! He would love to talk about what is going on! He would be on the internet or playing with his loving dog or watching tv. I would be going to see them next weekend in San Antonio.

I don't think of what ifs, I'm not that type of person. All I know is my Dad helped me become who I am today. I am grateful. Although sad and shocked of his passing, I know everything happens for a reason and his death will make me a stronger woman - a strong woman is someone he wanted me to be.

I hope you are proud of me, Dad. I wonder that a lot. I really do love you and miss you.

Love,
Melinda
aka Smallperson Bailey the 1st

What Happened to Me?

I am not sure how to describe this.... but here I go:

I used to be the type of person who had a list for everything. I LOVED lists! I even saved lists, so I could look at them later and see how much I accomplished. I never crossed out items, rather, I'd put a defining check mark next to the item. I felt like a line through an item meant "now I need to ignore it" - instead, I wanted to be able to read clearly all the items I completed and that is why a check mark was a successful indication for me. :)

I also used to pay attention to Birthdays that were listed on my calendar. I would write a short email or maybe even send a card for Birthdays.

Ever since my Mom got sick and then my Dad passed (2007), and moving out of a house and getting a divorce (Feb 08), moving into an apartment (Feb 08), moving my Mom from her house and moving both of us into a new house (April 2008), you'd think I would need lists EVEN more to get things done. Instead, I haven't written a list in over a year. I see Birthdays listed on my calendar and the glance quickly turns into nothing. I don't remember a Birthday again until I happen to see it a few days later on the calendar. I say to myself, "oh shit, I missed another Birthday. What should I do now?"

I usually don't do anything still. I shrug, feel bad for a little bit, think of the email or text I would really like to send, and then the thought goes away again.

I have no idea how I am accomplishing anything without my lists. Are things getting done? I guess so. Are important items being missed? I don't know. I could grab my list and tell you, IF I had one!

I used to love my lists. I guess the death of a loved one makes one see it's okay to not care about lists. It's okay if things fall off the radar. And, for some wild and weird and crazy reason, all the important things were still accomplished without those supposedly can't-live-without-lists.

I'm talking about closing on two houses in one week. Coordinating two moves. Shutting down services in a house and an apartment and starting new services at a new location. I'm talking about taking care of not only my own bills and new bills, but the bills my parents had. I'm talking about taking care of two cars now on my own. I'm talking about all the doc appts for both my Mom and I.

How is all of this being done without my lists!?!? Oh well, I know "list making" is part of one's personality - does that mean death can change a personality?

And what about those Birthdays? My own Birthday means so much to me - it's the best day in the world for all my friends (LOL) and of course my parent's Birthdays are special b/c without them I woulnd't have been born on Feb 9th. But, I really do care about all my friends Birthdays and think they are very special days, I just don't seem to have enough mental energy to send that special email or card.

I don't know what is wrong with me.