Valley of Fire State Park, Nevada

Had sooooo much fun yesterday hiking and exploring with my girlfriend Robin in Nevada!!  Memory making day :)  Even saw prehistoric petroglyphs.  So cool!

Robin and I decided every time I come to Vegas we will visit an outdoor spot to hike and explore and learn.
There seems to be a ton of cool locations around Vegas.  I'm excited about our new plans to get around nature.  Her and I both really LOVE the outdoors.

(Click collage photo to enlarge)

And here's my friend Robin, getting some shade:

Example for Kids

One of my friends shared with me something so powerful about being a parent, that I think of it quite often.  I had never heard of this before, even tho it now seems so obvious, yet I don't think many parents think this way (or maybe they do, and I just don't know it?).

I strongly feel if all parents lived this way / felt this way / did this, that kids would grow up "better" and have better relationships in their lives.

We all realize that the way we grow up affects us as adults.  I'm starting to see that a lot more lately, so these words he spoke last year have been in my mind even more.

My friend has a daughter and a son.

What my friend told me was basically, he treats his wife in such a way that he wants his son to "see" and understand how he should treat a woman.  And he wants his daughter to "see" and understand how a woman should be treated by a man.

I truly believe the world would be a different place if all parents felt this way and acted this way.

I don't think this crossed the mind of my parents.  Or many of my friends' parents.

Maybe I'm naive and a lot of parents already think this way, but I think it's a truly beautiful concept.  Why aren't we all talking about it??

I imagine he hardly ever raises his voice at his wife in front of the kids, shows affection to her, and SHOWS his kids he loves his wife with daily things like communicating well, doing things together, holding hands, etc.

My Dad told me once how he used to witness his Dad in the kitchen hugging his Mom from behind so lovingly.  I think that's why he was so affectionate towards my Mom and I  and then his new wife - because he saw all that as a child.

Profound way of thinking to be a great example and helpful for the future of your children imo.

Grapevine Lake Trails

I finally was able to visit the hiking trails in Grapevine, Texas along Grapevine Lake.

I did this deliberately on Mother's Day, so I would be distracted (didn't work).  But it was a gorgeous day and I was VERY thankful.

Strange Squirrel Behavior - from my Dad

I'm still in a de-cluttering phase and am currently going through some old emails in my inbox.

That's a lot of memories I'm running across... kinda brutal lol.

But here's a cool one.  My Dad (StepDad) would email a couple of times a week, usually to provide updates and little stories about the pets and my Mom from San Antonio.

This one was a good gem:

Yesterday, Sunday, I was enjoying the fine weather we had been having. I was in my power chair retrieving the mail. As I started to turn towards the mailbox I noticed I was being observed by a rather large squirrel across the street. As I slowly made my way towards my mail box this intense creature was following me. I became concerned for my safety. The chirping and chattering became deafening, the bandit came bouncing into the street scarring the daylights out of me, I was barely able to grab my mail and retreat into the back yard with this mad hatter chasing me. When I closed the first gate he ran back across the street into his own territory.  I need to get me a stun gun to defend myself from this dastardly villain. I guess Mom will have to go get the mail from now on. I barely escaped with my life.

:)

CareTaking Too Much.... and What About Myself?

As I promised, here are my thoughts about something from my childhood affecting me as an adult... just ONE of the things I'm reflecting about.

This is in reference to the blog post I wrote about in regard to Iyanla's tv show and the self evaluation / self reflecting going on within me (not all bad because I can learn from it, but yes some shock and awe to the awareness and new realizations lol).

One thing I believe I see from my childhood that has at times been somewhat of a hindrance and has had an affect on me is, I am a big caretaker.

That may sound like a good thing.  But I can tell you at times it is not.

Further, it shockingly now makes sense why I crave being taken care of or shown appreciation. Because I've been the caretaker for most of my life.

When someone does even the slightest thoughtful thing for me or think of me on tough days, I crater into tears with happy emotions.  You thought of me?  OMGosh!  I can also understand now why when an ex bf made eggs and bacon while I got ready for work, meant the world to me.  Why when I went to my Dad's house in Virginia and his wife cut me an apple to eat, how much that meant to me.  It felt like love.  It felt so nice being cared for.  To be thought of.  I can't even put into words how warm and loved I felt.

It sounds silly to think that a cut up apple would make me feel love, but when you have to do that for everyone and yourself, it makes that act that much sweeter.

Even when people help me with things like help running a tour, or fixing something in my house, or a neighbor helping me take things down from the attic, it comes with sincere thankfulness.  And even the little things - when a friend recognizes to grab an empty bag to put trash in it (instead of me doing it first), really just means the world to me.  It feels I'm being taken care of and thought of, which I haven't seen a lot in life - only given.

I don't mind taking care of myself, but I notice when others help me, I get very emotional because it's so few and far between.  And I admit I really do love being taken care of because it's so rare.

Of course, I also get a tinge of huge disappointment when I'm not thought of on tough days. Reminds me how alone I really am and can't count of anyone but myself and God (those are two pretty powerful people, but can you imagine if I had even a smidgen of thoughtfulness being shown to me from the people I care about or yearn to hear from?).

I do so much for others all the time, and while I am not complaining and I enjoy it most of the time, I do admit it gets tough to do all the time.  And now that I'm alone, I'm still the caretaker - for myself.

A friend of mine has claimed steadfastly, "I am a caretaker" - makes me wonder if she is proud of that, just has acceptance of who she is, and/or if she has the same feelings I do when someone does sweet things for me unexpected?  (I will ask her)

I don't mind being helpful of others or myself - I love surprising people and doing things for others, and doing things for myself.  But, I can for sure say that at times I have done TOO much for others, also.

I recognize I have taken care of my ex's way TOO much.  After one 3-year break up, I asked the guy, "did I pay for too many things and made you feel less of a man?"  The answer was of course yes.  Even if he really liked me paying for things because he didn't have the money to have the fun we were having, in the long run, I got into debt and he ended up not feeling manly.  (side note:  I must add that this ex hardly EVER did anything for me.  Definitely never took care of me at all - no gifts in 3 years, never helped around the house, etc.  But it was ME that stayed with him anyway.  I was definitely not an aware person back then.)

Even in high school, I bought so many gifts for a female friend, my parents sat me down at the kitchen table for a talk to ask me if I was having a sexual relationship with her.  What?  No.  I was just super caring and I had more allowance than her and she was very poor.

So, you can see it started way early.

But, it's not just with money, it's with doing things for others.  I surprise people with gifts they mention in passing, or send cards (yes, people still send cards), and I recently was there for a friend who went through a really tough surgery.  I was there every day before and after work checking in on him in the hospital.  While he called me his Guardian Angel, I can tell you I cried every single time I would walk in to the hospital because it reminded me of my Mom and Dad.

And when I take care of people, I don't think to take care of myself.  I'm the last person I think of.  So, taking care of my Mom for 5 years, I was on the back burner and doing self destructive things.

However, I must say I would NEVER take away taking care of my Mom or helping my friend.  I loved doing it, even if it was hard.  My Mom raised me, least I could do was take care of her when she couldn't in her last years of her tough life.  It was actually an honor and a true blessing.  I wouldn't change it for the world.

When my Mom was in the hospital the very first time (and over 4 hours away from where I lived), I would visit and take care of her and my Dad for a week or so at a time.  I would be on the night shift in the hospital with Mom, then go home and fix doors, pay bills, file their taxes, go to the grocery store, and clean their house.  Then go back to the hospital, after helping my Dad who was in a wheelchair get to go see my Mom.

These things don't sound so bad, huh?  Well, while the work ethic was instilled in me and the caring of others was instilled in me, I also used to go overboard.  Further, because I help so many others, I don't know what it feels like to receive care often.  So when it does happen, I tend to break down being thought of or cared for.

So, let's get back to the childhood.  I don't think I was ever taken care of.  I mean, I was raised by my parents, but I also took care of them.  When my Mom was drunk, I would take care of her.  When my Dad beat my Mom, I took care of her.  My Mom showed love by buying things for me, but as an only child, it made sense.  We didn't have a lot of money and I didn't want any fancy clothes (luckily), but my Mom showered me with love and affection and bought me things.

But also being an only child comes with most all of the responsibilities.  I'm very happy and pleased that I'm self sufficient because of the way I was raised and what I was taught by helping my parents around the house or yard instead of playing with the neighborhood kids on Saturday mornings.  But I also don't recall being taken care of.  I mean, I had to have been, right?  But the divorce (I was 7 years old) took a lot out of my Mom and eventually she got amnesia and I had to go get a neighbor telling her, "something is wrong with my Mom, she doesn't remember anything."  Turns out the stress of the divorce and deep heartbreak had a very weird affect on my Mom's mental status.  After a stint in a depression ward, she came out with crafts she had made for me and she was Mom again.

When she started to date, I was kinda left alone.  When she met my StepDad, they had their years of drunkenness together and I took care of them and myself when they could not for themselves.

All the times my Dad kept me up literally all night talking to me, my only saving grace was my Mom waking up at 5am and I could run to her to "save" me from his berating me for hours over God knows what slight infraction I had done.  Her walking to the kitchen for coffee gave me my "out" to finally be able to leave the living room because she would mention I had school that day.

After my Dad stopped drinking and smoking pot, he was still mentally unstable.  My Mom and I shivered together, but we survived it.  My Mom didn't stop drinking til I was in college - that's a lot teen years taking care of my Mom, while also dealing with my Dad yelling at me for something lol.

I also was left by my real Dad.  Well, my Mom and I both were.  I wasn't able to ask him until I was 35 years old (we didn't have contact for 20 years) why he left us.  To hear the difference in the stories from his mouth, his wife's mouth, and what my Mom said was so different, it was confusing to me. But, bottom line is he left us.  As a child, that doesn't make sense.  I didn't ride my bike or climb a tree in my teens wondering about why he left us, but I'm sure it has to affect me as an adult on some level.  And my Mom sure thought about it and cried about it for years and years (even after she was remarried).  I took care of her then, as well.  Not really doing anything magical, but just being with her, being by her side, being the one person in the world she loved more than anything. 

I want to state that no matter the childhood I had, I have turned into a woman I love.  I do not forsake my childhood AT ALL.  I've written before how I have no ill-feelings about the way I was raised or how I was raised.  I loved my childhood, really.  I also LOVE my parents (all of them!).  I don't even think of the tough times (did I even have tough times?).  To me it was just life.  And when I reflect back, it's usually of the good memories.  So, I'm not sitting around upset about my childhood at all; I really did have a great childhood!  I've just been reflecting on it lately and wondering if some of the things I went through has affected me as an adult.  Iyanla helping others (and us luckily getting to watch and learn through the tv cameras), has been a great thing for me, and I now see why I am a caretaker.  And also why I crave being taken care of.

SO.

What am I going to do with this knowledge??

Great question.

Besides stop doing the obvious - doing TOO much for others - I am going to consciously try and do things for myself in a caring way.  In other words, sometimes I would get a foot massage because I wanted one that day.  Now, I'm looking at it more like, "take care of yourself - go get a foot massage."

I also need to remember myself because I am still helping others with situations or things (i.e. being a somewhat of a caretaker on some level for many).

I'm really just going to work on having a different perspective on doing things for myself, caring for myself.  Trying to look at it as, taking care of me.  Living alone and not having family or friends close, and learning that I can't depend on anyone, this is what I need to do because there is no one else around to provide this care.  Or is there?  YES!  Me.  :)

It's not to say I wasn't doing things for myself - I was.  But I am hopeful that changing my perspective and recognizing that being cared for is something sought after in me, and so this new perspective to do things for myself, specifically to take care of myself, is the KEY.   Does that make sense lol?  It does to me .  :)

Usefulness and Purpose

I've been struggling a lot again lately with purpose.

I don't even know why I'm even thinking so much about purpose.  Is it because I'm getting older? I didn't think about it in my twenties, not even in my thirties.  But for some reason it's almost on my mind daily in my forties.

It hit me after my Mom passed away.  Because after taking care of her for five years, I felt like I didn't really have a purpose after that.  If I didn't take care of my Mom for all those years, would I even be aware and struggling with this purpose thing?

After I started running the Omega Billiards Tour, I felt like I had purpose again.  Yay me!  But the purpose in life happy feeling slowly dwindled away for some reason.

After taking care of friend of mine (Dave) with mental and emotional support (still helping him), everyone told me that was purpose.  But what about when it ends?  For whatever reason I feel like I don't have a purpose in life.  And if you have purpose, that leads to have happiness, right?  It means you are making a difference in life, not just living a life.

It's actually been on my mind so much that it's pretty much been depressing me for quite some time. Paralyzing any sense of happiness.

I decided to finally look up on the all-knowing internet about purpose and happiness just to see what I would find. And fortunately for me one of the first few links I looked at was this link right here!

https://medium.com/art-of-practicality/the-purpose-of-life-is-not-happiness-its-usefulness-65064d0cdd59

After I read it, I was immediately overcome with calmness and happiness!

I honestly haven't been depressed since I read it about two weeks ago.  :)

It basically says that all the little things you do in life, add up.  And all those useful things add up, which leads to happiness and purpose.

And the examples he gave of being useful were very helpful things, but some also very small things. But if you think about putting all those things you do that are useful in one basket - it would be overflowing the top!

I also read somewhere else that if you make your purpose to cherish everyone you come across, then that brings you happiness which in turn brings you inner peace which in turn is a huge purpose, right?  Wishing for others to be happy all the time, how awesome is that?

So combine these two things I definitely feel much happier about not just living, but how I am living and what I'm doing in my life.

I also need to really, really remember that my job has a specific purpose to others. My job is basically customer service to people throughout the company across the entire country, but also what I do impacts the public directly (I work for the National Weather Service).  So I need to stop being so worrisome and confused about finding this magic purpose in my life when in reality I actually have a huge purpose right in front of me, here in my job (which takes up most of the time in my life, right?).

I'm so thankful that I've come to these realizations because I was being consumed with what my purpose in life is, which was leading to unhappiness (oh the irony).

So my purpose in life is to be useful; to be helpful; to be a great employee which in turn helps a lot of people.  It doesn't need to be ONE specific, huge, amazing purpose - but a whole basket of useful items!

All the useful things I do really DO add up.  Board member of the Coalition of Quality of End of Life Care, my job/career, city counsel meetings, certified mediator, coaching people in pool, and helping pool players improve through my pool blog, radio program, and online magazine.  And those are the big things - my basket runneth over even with all the little things I do daily that people don't see.

I need to STOP being so hard on myself.

I'm so much happier, I can't even describe it!   I'm just so very thankful I have came across Darius' article about usefulness and came to these realizations because I was struggling so deeply that it was almost paralyzing to even be happy everyday.

I knew I had a blessed, beautiful life.

Now I'm happy in it, reminding myself I don't need one big purpose and that I'm being useful with countless, untold different acts of kindness I do.  :)

Iyanla is Fixing my Life.

I watch with tears every Saturday night Iyanla, Fix my Life.

Iyanla provides advice to people in tough, mostly unhappy situations.  Whether it be husband and wife, siblings, or parents and their adult kids... any relationship, really, is up for the task for Iyanla to help.

The theme I am seeing is: what happens to us as a child, we bring into our relationships as adults. Until we understand this, we may have a ton of dysfunction and eventual unhappiness and broken relationships.

Let me be clear - in many broken relationships, the people are still together.   So, living with unhappiness.

Iyanla brings out of people things that they may have gone through as a child (abandonment, molestation, being the parent when one is a child, parents not caring for their kids emotionally or physically, neglect, jealousy, fear, etc).  She brings to light that the reason for the problems in relationships stems directly to those "things" that happen to us (or don't happen to us, like nurturing) in our childhood.  And we don't really see that those things from our childhood affect us as adults (and in our relationships with others - loved ones, kids, parents, sisters, whoever).

So, of course it made me reflect on my childhood.

Not because I'm in a bad relationship, but the show makes one reflect so much and so deeply about how we were raised (or not raised).  And it makes yourself wonder, if how I was raised has affected my relationships?  The answer is, of course, yes.

I watch with fascination and really listen to what Iyanla is teaching the people on her show.   It's not pointing out your flaws - it's why we are who we are and what we can do about the new found knowledge!

While I could pick on several things, I'm just going to mention a few big ones I have realized all due to watching the episodes and how Iylana helps the distressed people on the show.

• I now understand why it's been tough for me to forgive:  because I never saw my Mom forgive anyone.  Especially when I was young I saw this.  She didn't speak to one neighbor for over 25 years! 
• Of course the obvious one is alcoholism.  But it's the affects of seeing my parents drink is what is a new revelation for me.
• Another is verbal abuse.  I've written about this before.
• Also, why sex had a skewered meaning for me.  
• Being a caretaker for so long for so many people, has affected me in a profound, sometimes bad way with intriguing ramifications.  I will write about this soon.

Of course, there are good things I learned, too, from my childhood:  being self sufficient, caring, good work ethics, etc.

But it's the those few things above that I have deeply reflected about on my couch on Saturday nights as I cry, and rub my face, trying to figure out all these things that make me the messed up person I see sometimes today.

Don't get me wrong - I admit I have turned into a great, successful woman.  And I am grateful to be a work in progress.  I still have a ton to learn about life, in life, of life, and for that I am very happy and thankful about!

I will write in detail about some of the above later; go into depth about some of them and why I am torn, confused, yet enlightened.

Maybe by the time I push "publish," I will have even more revelations of my childhood that will help me be a better me today!

This isn't a BAD thing - figuring out why we do some things because of how we were raised provides great understanding for ourselves.  Then we can work on making ourselves different.  Make different or better choices in life.  Maybe even a better me!

Forgiveness - an Amazing Example

I was watching the news in complete awe and amazement a few weeks ago when the family of Robert Godwin Sr. (whose murder was posted in a Facebook video) expressed forgiveness to the man who killed their father!  The murder of their father had literally only been days before, yet they had already forgave the killer (who was still on the run).  I was shocked!

The live interview was truly astonishing and remarkable.  I was so moved by their strong conviction of forgiveness, their faith in God, and expressing very deeply they learned about forgiveness from the very man who had died.

The whole world can learn so much from this interview.

Debbie Godwin and Tonya Godwin Baines, the man’s daughters, were interviewed by Anderson Cooper on CNN.

“I wasn’t going to ask you,” Cooper said, “but since you brought this person up, but I’m not going to use this person’s name in front of you, but if this person is out there listening, what do you want them to know? Obviously, you want them to turn themselves in, but what do you want to say to them?”

“I would say turn yourself in, that would be number one,” Debbie Godwin responded, “I mean because although I do believe in forgiveness, I do believe in the law, meaning, when you break the law, there’s a penalty for breaking the law. And this man broke the law by taking my father’s life.”

“And so although I forgive him,” she explained, “there is still a penalty that he must pay for what he did to my dad. And so I would want him to turn himself in. And you know what, I believe that God would give me the grace to even embrace this man. And hug him.

“Without anything, I truly do,” she continued. “It’s just the way my heart is, it’s the right thing to do. And so, I just would want him to know that even in his worst state, he’s loved, you know, by God, that God loves him, even in the bad stuff that he did to my dad. That he’s still loved. And that he has some worth while, even though he’s gonna have to go through many things to get better, there’s worth in him.”

“And as long as there’s life in him, there is hope for him too,” Godwin concluded. “I do believe that.”


In the latter part of the interview, Cooper seems affected by their words of forgiveness.

“The thing that I would take away the most from my father is he taught us about God,” Tonya Godwin Baines said. “How to fear God. How to love God. And how to forgive. Each one of us forgives the killer. The murderer.”

“You do?” Cooper asked.

“We want to wrap our arms around him,” she said.

“We absolutely do,” Debbie Godwin explained. “I honestly can say right now that I hold no animosity in my heart against this man. Because I know that he’s a sick individual. I know that because of his sickness, whatever evil overtook him that caused him to do this to my dad, it’s not him. It wouldn’t be something he would typically do, and I promise you, I could not do that, if I did not know God.

“If I didn’t know Him as my God and my savior, I could not forgive that man. And I feel no animosity against him at all. Actually, I feel sadness for him. I do.”

“We’ve lost our dad, but this mother lost her son,” Tonya added. “Lost her children. His children lost her dad.”

“That’s incredible, Tonya,” Cooper said, “that you think about that even in your time of grief, that you’re thinking about them.”

“It’s just what our parents taught,” Godwin Baines said. “It’s not just that they taught us, they did it. They lived it.”

“My dad would be really proud of us, and he would want this from us, and he would say, ‘Tonya, forgive him, because they know not what they do,'” she added, referring to a verse from Scripture.

Cooper told them, “Tonya, you talked about how your friends growing up said they wished they were Godwins. I think a lot of people watching tonight, and I know I certainly speak for myself, I wish I was a Godwin right now, because you all represent your Dad very well.”

“Thank you so much, I wish peace and strength in the days ahead,” he said.

Debbie Godwin posted this picture of her father:

Airfield Falls

Walked this gem on Tuesday.  Located right in Fort Worth along the Trinity River, I recommend Airfield Falls.

Highs were near 90, sun was bright, and it was a fabulous day for a long, brisk walk!

The Rise of AI Makes Emotional Intelligence More Important

Cool and powerful little leadership article.  Good reminders of being relevant and what to focus on in the future.

I recommend this short read, and also the short video embedded in the piece as well.

The article focuses on the growth of artificial intelligence (AI) and ALSO the importance of human added value through emotional intelligence (EI). The intersection of AI and EI is an important one, and we should prepare to and be aware of our important roles in the future, that others may not be cognizant of.

It's Not Just a Ladder (video)

Following in the Foot Steps You Choose

It was a relief when I found out through therapy in my mid 30s that my Dad (stepDad since I was 11) wasn't "just" a jerk, but that he had issues, some mental issues.  Further, because he was on ativan (a medicine), that heightened his anxiety, moods, anger, and paranoia.

Turns out he was diagnosed with an immature personality (and something else that I can't recall) and that's why he was discharged from the air force. 

My Mom and I never knew this information, though, during the 25 years of dealing with his verbal abuse.  To find out he wasn't really an asshole, he was just born that way with some mental issues and that the meds he was on exacerbated his anger, really made my Mom and I feel better.  As weird as that sounds, lol.

I guess it's a relief to find out someone is mean because of their mental wiring, not because they chose to be mean.

Don't get me wrong - my Dad was also a very GREAT man and had many amazing qualities you wish for in a Dad.  He just didn't know how to control his anger.

Every time I watch Evil Lives Here, (a show that documents family members who lived with a family member who was demented and evil and caused havoc on their lives and others), I am reminded how tough my childhood was, and that others also went through hellacious childhoods (much, much worse than mine for sure).

I don't think often about that part of my childhood.  Sometimes it comes up maybe in conversation, but I don't worry about it or think about it or let it affect me.

What I DO do though is I just try not to be that person.  Being raised in a verbally abusive household, it was only natural for me to become the same way.  I hate that person in me, and when I ever raise my voice, I get really upset at myself after for it.  I've tried to work on it for YEARs and have come a REALLY long way.  I am proud of myself for this self reflection and realization.

It helped that I had great people in my life that miraculously helped me overcome becoming a verbal abuser.  Whether a boyfriend who made calm comments, an ex husband who helped me not yell at waiters, to my friend June who helped my self-esteem, to the leadership at my work.... they all played an integral role in helping me not be a daily or responsive verbal abuser.

I see living life as learning experiences; and growing from them.  And from my eyes, I am not bitter, angry, mad, nor feel sorry for myself.

I never have regrets about anything in my life.  I don't even look back and wish he didn't treat my Mom and I badly; it was our life and we lived it and we survived it.  I don't see my childhood as a bad childhood.  It was just the way I lived.  He didn't know any better.  He had a Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde personality for sure, but we all survived it.  :)  

So, while the title might say "Following in the Foot Steps You Choose," I didn't even know I shouldn't be a verbal abuser until others helped me see otherwise.  Of course, I fully agree my personality allowed me to not blow off the help/words from friends, and to instead embrace the reality that verbal abuse is wrong and I can work on that in myself.

So, while I "chose" the decision, it was one brought to my attention for over 10-15 years, and then I finally was able to control it.  Yes, it took that long to tame.

My Successful Mom

It always disappointed me when my Mom would be sad about her life, because she thought she hadn't accomplished anything.

I would look at her dismayed and in shock, and ask her, "Well what the hell am I?"

I really feel like I was a blessing in her life.  I turned out to be one hell of a woman, caring friend, loving daughter, successful, didn't get into (too much) trouble, was a great kid, went to college, etc. Yet she still wasn't proud of anything in her life.  Even when I stood in front of her, pointing to myself as proof of her own success.

Maybe she really was talking about her marriages or her work or something like that.  But she never went into detail, she was just sad about her life.

But I know she was a very successful mother who created the woman I see in the mirror every morning.

When I would ask her, "What about me?"  She would just shake your head and tell me,"Oh, you brought yourself up" in a very snappy, determined voice.

I sometimes think she really believed I somehow raised myself.

She was my world; she was my everything; and the love between us was unimaginable (still is, even after her death).

I think she felt bad that I didn't have a better upbringing.  But we don't really think about the bad times as a child in our upbringing, do we?  We just think of the good/fun times.   I loved my childhood.  I don't know why she was so worried about it for me.

My Mom was an alcoholic, but she became 20+ years sober, and should have been VERY proud of that fact, too!

She was ashamed that she got divorced in the mid '70s.  Back then, divorce was looked down upon, so that's why when she got married a second time, she stayed with my stepdad and never got out of that situation because of the shame of "another divorce" she would lament.  And although he was verbally abusive, I know that she did still love him and he loved her with all his might.

My Mom was successful in life not by the definitions of society; but by the definition of her daughter.

Fort Worth Nature Center & Refuge

Finally got to visit the Fort Worth Nature Center & Refuge!

I expected more walking trails, but I only took one trail before Lily got tired.  There are more to take in the "prairie" areas, that I will do some day without Lily, so I'm not slowed down and can explore even more!

We walked along the marsh and parts of the Trinity and it was so cool to walk the ENTIRE time with water next to us!

Here is the traditional collage:

UnGrateful Presents

I don't understand how people can share why they don't like gifts.  Well, to be fair, they didn't show non-appreciation, but they explained why they aren't going to use it or returned it to me.

While I did learn from those instances (zipper on wrong side, allergic reaction to jewelry), it still hurts me a little to hear.

And I know exactly why.

My Dad didn't hide his feelings if he didn't like gifts.  One time during Christmas he opened a box of slippers I had bought him, saw the size, got angry they wouldn't fit, and then promptly THREW them across the room!  They hit the wall, fell to the floor all abandoned.  Kinda like my heart.

If any little thing was wrong with a gift or not what he exactly wanted, he showed it, yelled about it, or whatever.  Never just said "thank you" with a smile to show appreciation.  It was all about his hurt feelings and the crappy gift he thought I gave him, even though they were all bought with thought and love.

When I receive a gift I'll never use or don't like, I don't dare say a word as I know how it feels to be on the receiving end.  I can't even fathom ever saying anything but "thank you," even if I don't understand it lol.

And I know it's all because of the way my Dad negatively reacted when he didn't "love" his gifts.

Tattoo Identification

When I turned 21-years-old I thought:  I'm old enough now, mature and smart, and I'm going to be super cool and get a tattoo!

I thought I was cool, but was actually scared to death, really.  I got a very, very small tattoo of a cloud with some rain and lightning coming out of it because I was getting a meteorology degree and was about to become a meteorologist.  That was my passion at the time and that's what I wanted inked into my skin.

I had to keep it from my Dad, as I knew he would explode.  I told my Mom - she was cool and knew everything about my anyway.

It's maybe a tad larger than the size of a quarter and I placed it in a spot on my body no one could see, even if I was a bikini.

I had it for a couple of years and I was visiting my parents and I decided to mention it to my Dad.  I was more scare of his verbal reaction than the physical pain of the tattoo.

But he surprised me.

He wanted to see it and was genuinely interested!

It was refreshing to not get bitched out, instead he was curious.  Maybe it was because he didn't have any tattoos?  Not sure, but it was cool.

After he saw it he said to me, "Glad I know now, in case I ever need to identify your body.  Or else I would have said it wasn't you."

OMG.............. lol

Weight and Happiness (article)

Hated to read she had trolls and mean people criticizing her weight/looks, but LOVE how she responds!  

Her responses could help a lot of woman/friends who are depressed over their stupid weight.  

https://www.yahoo.com/beauty/blogger-had-best-response-body-205500253.html

Here are a few snips of the article:

'Wait so you just decided to RUIN your body?'
Nah, I just stopped torturing myself every day for not fitting an image I was never supposed to be.

'But you look so much healthier to me before.'
That's funny, you looked so much more intelligent to me before you equated health with weight and forgot that mental health is health too.

'You could have stayed the same and loved your body, you didn't need to get fat.'
I could have stayed the same and spiraled back into the eating disorder that almost killed me when I was 15. I could have kept starving myself and obsessively working out for hours everyday but it never would have lead me to self love. No matter how much weight I lost there was always still something to hate. And sure, people don't NEED to gain weight to find their self love, this is just what my body needed to do to match up to my mental freedom. THIS IS MY HAPPY BODY.

'But surely you can't be happy looking like that now, I could never be happy in that body.'
I didn't think I could either, but as it turns out, happiness isn't a size. And I wasted far too many years believing that it was. Now I'm not going to stop letting people know that they deserve happiness exactly as they are. They deserve to live now, not 10 pounds from now. They deserve that mental freedom. So to every person reading this: I hope you get your freedom too, however it might look. I'll be cheering you on every step of the way."

Crabbe, who has long been an advocate for both mental and overall health, said that she wrote the responses to address certain negative comments she received on her photos. She also told BuzzFeed that she was inspired to write the post to highlight how important it is to include mental health in discussions of overall health.

"Most people would see the 'before' me — thinner, more toned — and assume that I was far healthier, when in reality I was utterly obsessed with losing weight and slipping back into an eating disorder that nearly killed me when I was 15," she said. "That level of obsession and self-hatred could never be healthy, no matter how it looks."

Most of all, she said, she wanted to combat the idea that "thin equals happy." While negative comments like the ones she addressed are proof that we still have a ways to go when it comes to fighting body-shaming, it's activists like her who are leading the way for us all.

Warren Buffett Documentary

This documentary on HBO about Warren Buffett was truly awe-inspiring.   I want to watch it a couple of more times to gather all the great wisdom he shared, to keep some of those quotes around me.  Plus, he's a gem and one many can learn from.

http://www.hbo.com/documentaries/becoming-warren-buffett/synopsis/about.html

I Hate Cruel Meme's

People think these things are funny and post them all the time on Facebook and other places.

https://www.yahoo.com/news/woman-speaks-becoming-meme-180355929.html

In the article above, the woman explains why she was using a cart and why she fell, and then also recalls seeing a flash and hearing girls laughing at her.

I am appalled by these things.

You see me, this could be a photo of my Dad.  My Dad was a big man and he used a cart, too.  He wasn't ashamed of either one of those things btw, and neither was I.  I would walk beside him - he was my Dad!

My Mom had to use a cart also because she was frail and weak and had to be on oxygen,

I think making fun of people like this is a horrible thing.  We all have friends or relatives how aren't fit and healthy.  They are human and have feelings, too.

Here's another article about the person in the meme feels:   :(

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2016/12/14/woman-mocked-rare-condition-cruel-meme-facebook-speaks-online/

Bicentennial Park, Jan 2017

After checking the forecast last weekend I noticed that Wednesday would be the best day for me to take a great walk with my lovely dog, Lily.

I left work a little early and even though I was going to take her to the Trinity River Trails, my car veered towards Bicentennial Park instead. And I was glad I did.

Because it was so windy out I thought it would be a good chance to check out the Frisbee Golf Course that's at Bicentennial Park. I haven't had a chance to check it out yet because there's usually too many people out there playing frisbee golf. So today I thought was our day to see just how far back the course went.

However there were many other people out there with their dogs as well and so instead of going along the course, I decided to check out the dirt road again.

And boy is it a dirt road!  Last time I was here in December I even saw a guy on a dirt bike in this particular area, like a motocross bike.  

This time there was no one around though and Lily and I were able to walk further and further and further. There was some muddy areas, but it was all along a beautiful flowing creek.  And it was also a great, sunny day.  Even for January the temperature was hovering around 80 degrees.

Here's my traditional collage of this great, beautiful, just what I needed, walk in nature.

Article on Getting Rich in 2017

5 things to do in 2017 if you want to get rich, from a man who studies millionaires.

From this article:  http://finance.yahoo.com/news/5-things-2017-want-rich-165310375.html

1. Have more money automatically transferred into savings (been doing this for over 20 years)
2. Build a relationship with one successful person (completed)
3. Devote 20 minutes a day to developing a new skill (a day??  I can barely do this a couple of times a year)
4. Adopt a "frugal mindset" (been doing this more and more)
5. Track every penny you spend for 30 days (hmmm..... )

Gives me a couple of things to think about and consider.

I wonder if millionaires do all the above?

What a Clean House Means to Me

I've noticed the last few months my personality has changed.  It's due to several things, so can't really pinpoint it to one reason.

But here is one part I've noticed a major change (which I like):

Although I live alone and hardly have any visitors, it's very easy for me to never pick up around the house until I /do/ get a visitor.

But lately I have noticed I want my house looking better all the time.  I don't want crap on the counters or table until someone comes to visit.  I prefer to even have my closet cleaned up right away.

It seems my procrastination part of my personality has definitely changed along with this.  Instead of putting off picking up, I actually WANT to clean up and have my house looking less cluttered and "spacious" all the time.

I recall reading this article a while back about how when we are depressed we tend to be "messier" and when we aren't depressed we tend to clean more and keep things nice around the house.  The article is spot on.

Hell, even with ourselves.  Depressed people barely shower and put off washing our hair, doing laundry, etc for as long as we can.

I do wonder if part of me wanting the house less cluttered is because I have more time on my hands.  I am not spending time out drinking, not spending time hungover, and so I honestly have more free time.

Also, when coming home drunk, you kinda spew your clothes everywhere in your room and closet.  Shoes are in one area, sock another, shirt and jeans lay on the floor from some weird path you wobbled along.  And then the next day or later that day you feel too badly to even think of bending over and picking things up.

Several days in a week or a couple of weeks and the areas on the floors just get piled up with things.

I hate to even write this out, but I know I'm not the only one.

So, I am thinking that the cleaner, less cluttered, picked-up house is my visual progress of my changing ways.  I have more energy and time and I love having the house not just visitor-ready, but ME ready.  I definitely feel happier and even more at peace looking around at a less-cluttered house I adore living in.

Verbal Abuse Memory Trigger

Tough watching "Evil Lives Here" last night on the ID channel.  A guy was explaining when he would get beat by his Dad as a child - usually over very small, miniscule infractions.

Reminded me very strongly all the times my Dad would lay into me.  My Mom and I were verbally abused so much and so loudly, that my neighbors could hear the damage to our souls all the way from our house to theirs.  My neighbor told me once she thought that one day they would eventually hear no noise or sounds... and would need to call the cops.

Luckily that never happened.

One time my Dad laid into me because a fork wasn't completely dry when I put it in the silverware drawer after drying the dishes.  I used a towel to dry it, but it was still a little wet and he didn't like that at all.

I remember arriving to high school in tears one morning. My teacher asked me what was going on as she hugged me.  She was older with white hair, and a limp prolly from a hip injury.  I bawled telling her I get yelled at all the time and forced to stay awake at all hours because I had to listen to my Dad yelling at me for hours on end.

She told me to just hang in there - I only had about a year and a half left of high school and then I'd be on my way to college.

Little did I know this yelling and verbal abuse would continue off and on until my mid 30s.

I survived, though, and so did my Mom.  The wounds and words and memories are still fresh sometimes though.  As in the case of the reminder from the tv show, or in some nightmares about 3 times a year.

Loving Your Job (or not)

One morning about ten years ago, I was driving to work and talking to a friend on my cell phone.

I told her, "Man, I can't wait to get to work.  I have a lot of great things I'm working on and really love my job."

She replied, "Hmmm.... you know what?  I need to get a new job.  Here you are can't wait to get to work, and I am over here trying to come up another excuse I can use to call in sick."

It was a defining moment for both of us.

I realized just how much I am blessed to love my job (how many people can say that, really?) and it made her realize she needed to do something about her job situation.

And she did.

Within 3 months she found herself a work-from-home job that she adored so much more!  She had freedom and still got paid well for what she enjoyed doing.

I know I am one of the few lucky ones in life to love their job.  That's why I don't take for granted to recognize how blessed I truly am to have a job (I still to this day) love to come in to work to.

New Life Motto?

I always thought life was a journey... I beautiful journey, actually.

I heard a day or so ago, "life is an adventure."

I like that even better!

Adventurous journey!

#newmotto

‘Shark Tank’ investor Daymond John reveals the book he's read 20 times

Another short read.  Recommended book by Shark Tank investor.  He's read it over 20 times.

Here is the link:

http://www.cnbc.com/2016/11/03/shark-tank-investor-daymond-john-reveals-the-book-hes-read-20-times.html

Here is the copy and paste in case the link goes away down the road:

Daymond John, the founder of the $6 billion hip-hop culture clothing line Fubu and star in the hit ABC show "Shark Tank," grew up in Hollis, Queens, where there weren't lots of models of entrepreneurs for him to look up to. 

"We never got to see the heroes. We saw pimps and drug dealers," says John, speaking at Forefront, the first large-scale live event of the I Will Teach You to Be Rich community in New York City.

And those who did get ahead were those who got an education, got a job in a company or factory, and worked hard for somebody else, day in and day out.

"You weren't supposed to work on your dream, you were supposed to work on [your employer's] dream. And hopefully if they succeeded in their dream they would then reward you," says John.

The first individual John saw that broke that mold was Russell Simmons, who was traveling the world selling hip-hop. "How could you actually make money doing something you love?"

Inspired, John educated himself. He read the classic guide to business Think and Grow Rich, written in 1937 by Napoleon Hill. 

"The first book I ever read in my life: Think and Grow Rich. I have read it 20 times since then," says John.

Hill was inspired to write the book by a challenge set forth by the business magnate Andrew Carnegie to analyze the paths to fortune by more than 500 wealthy businessmen, including the Henry Ford and John D. Rockefeller, and document their paths to success. 

The secret is fearless, all-consuming determination and faith in yourself, a message that would sound hopeful to a kid from Queens with low funds and big dreams. 

"If the thing you wish to do is right, and you believe in it, go ahead and do it! Put your dream across, and never mind what 'they' say if you meet with temporary defeat, for 'they,' perhaps, do not know that EVERY FAILURE BRINGS WITH IT THE SEED OF AN EQUIVALENT SUCCESS," writes Hill.

Not only did John take this advice, he now distributes it widely and with his own brand of inspiration.

"You either think like a shark or you don't. There is no difference with you or I. You have to understand that. Think about it," says John. 

"If you think that anything can hold you back, well, I am dyslexic. Some people would [say] that being African American is a challenge. I am short. I got left back in school. I didn't go to college. I don't know anybody with a famous last name. I am not a relic of anybody with a famous last name. I could call Elton John and tell him I am his son, but he probably wouldn't believe me. ... I can't sing rap, I can't shoot a basketball, can't play basketball, or whatever you do with a basketball," says John. All the same: "I am here with you." basketball," says John. All the same: "I am here with you."

What Gum in the Trash Taught Me

When I was in my mid 20s I was at work one day and I had a piece of gum in my mouth.  It got old and needed to be rid of. 

I looked around try to find something to put it in - piece of paper or tissue.  I finally found a little piece paper, lifted it up towards my mouth, put the gun into the paper, and quietly threw it into the trash can.

I didn't know it, but a coworker was watching me.

After I disposed of the gum in the trash can folded up in the paper, she says to me very seriously, "I sure wish my kids knew to do that."  

I thought for a moment and then explained, "well, I know to do this because I live on my own now."

I had learned the hard way having to throw away my own trash now from my cute little apartment (at the time) that it's much easier to throw away your trash without gum being stuck to the bottom of a trash can.   And, it made sense why my Mom always stressed for me to do that, lol.

So I told her that it's really real-life experience why I do this.  Her kids will get "it" about the gum (and other things) when they move out of their own as well.  

PepsiCo CEO says this one skill was crucial to her success

I love leadership articles, especially short and effective ones.

Here is what the CEO of PepsiCo says of this one skill that was crucial to her success: http://www.cnbc.com/2016/12/23/pepsico-ceo-says-this-one-skill-was-crucial-to-her-success.html

It will take one whole minute to read the article - I loved what she said, and it made me think about my "hip pocket skill."

Oh, and, in case the link breaks a year down the road, let me paste it here:

Indra Nooyi, CEO at PepsiCo, has a reputation. And it's helped her become one of the most powerful women in business.

"Interestingly, over my entire career what I've been known for is making simple the complex, whatever the issue is," Nooyi tells LinkedIn Executive Editor Daniel Roth.

As Nooyi's colleagues always say, "If you give it to Indra, it will get addressed."

To get ahead, it helps to have a "hip-pocket skill," something you're known for being great at and can develop even further, according to the CEO. Something akin to what CEO John Nesheim dubbed your "unfair advantage."

For example, when PepsiCo was working with Quaker Oats, the company had to go through a complicated process with the Federal Trade Commission. The company's lawyers were handling it, but Pepsico's leadership team wanted to better understand what was going on. So they put Nooyi on the job.

"I went to school on the FTC process," she says. "I became a student, and now I could explain, in very simple terms, what needed to be done."

The CEO recommends professionals find a specific talent they have and hone it.

Your "hip-pocket" skill could be excellent communication,an ability to be a team player or a facility for learning new things. As long as it's truly useful and relatively rare, it will serve you well.