I'm Still Her... :(

I had a rough weekend. Lots going on with me internally. I found out some things about myself that I am not proud of. Without going into specifics, I found out I am the female I never wanted to be anymore. I found out that all my "talk" of not being that person, was really still deep inside me and came out of me this past weekend in an ugly way.

Bottom line - I can't control my emotions still. Even when I KNOW not to say something to someone, even when I KNOW it's not the right time to express how unhappy I am, I still do it... and I did it this past weekend.

Why can I not wait sometimes? Why do I sometimes have no control over expresing my hurt emotions? I sometimes just HAVE to express my disappointment or hurtfulness even when the time is not right. Even when I'm fully aware "Don't say anything right now..." I still sometimes do it.

It was a very tough realization that I am still that person I was in my 20s. Very disappointing.

Invitiation of People in Your Life

John Edwards's daughter, Cate, recently talked about the "situation" that her parents went through. You know, when John had an affair, didn't admit to it, fathered a child, then admitted to it, blah blah.

This blog isn't about John or the affair, it's about an interesting comment his daughter stated that I hadn't considered from that point of view before. As read from People.com, Cate said, "There are the things she (her Mom) taught without words." Like "how to continue to live your life on your own terms when it somehow becomes savaged by people you never invited into it."

For some reason, that statement is very intriguing to me because it's such an different perspective. She isn't blaming the other woman or talking negatively about her in that sentence. Instead she views the woman in a very non judgmental way, as simply someone who was "never invited into it (their life)."

If many of us could consider such a perspective about people in our lives, I think it might help us in some certain situations in regard to our emotions and feelings, thoughts and concerns.

More Writing?

I want to write more over here. It's my therapy. It is an open blog so I can't be too specific all the time regarding my feelings/emotions/hurt about/over certain people, but writing things down is helpful for me to get through things. I love to read through my previous blog entries that contain helpful quotes and sayings - they are great reminders for tough times!!

Anyhow, I hope I do start to write more over here. I need to figure some things out in my head. I've hurt a lot of people this year and been hurt by others. I think I need to do some inward discovery. Or something.

Disappeared

There is this channel on satellite/cable called ID (Investigation Discovery). It is basically a bunch of crime shows: Dateline, 48 Hours, Crimes of Passion, Solved, Hollywood Crime, Extreme Forensics, Unusual Suspects, Child Murderers, etc. Kind of like that show Snapped, but it's a whole channel about not just female criminals, but all kinds and how the crimes are solved and who is caught and/or not caught.

I can literally watch the channel all day long. For some reason, I find it intriguing. It sounds weird and morbid I know, but the stories are heart wrenching and intriguing at the same time.

HOWEVER.... there is one show on ID I will not watch. It's called: "Disappeared." You can gather that the show is about people who disappear. I can't watch that show. I think one of THE most painful ways to lose someone would be is if they disappeared. I realize that if someone passes away from a car crash, murder, disease, etc. etc. is brutal for the family members. But for some reason, I think disappearance would be the most difficult for family members.

So, I cannot fathom even accidentally stopping on the ID channel when that particular show is on. Show me the crimes and murders, but my heart cannot handle the unbearing thought that parents must feel if their child (no matter if 3, 5, 12, 18, or 30 years old) go "missing."

I would be looking my whole life for a sister, brother, Mom, Dad or child if they all of a sudden one day disappeared. I don't have sisters or brothers, or children, but I still know deep in my heart that this would be so difficult to live with. I would look every person in the face everywhere I went, I would look in cars as I drove down the street, check the internet, bother police every day, and do my own searches and searches. Every day it would consume me; every night I would not be able to sleep. For years and years until I die I would be consumed and disturbed about my missing loved one.

You may think I know someone who has had a family member who disappeared or went missing but I have not. It's just one of those fears in life I feel for others.

So, you wont ever find me watching the ID Channel when Disappeared is on. Bring on 48 Hours and Extreme Forensics instead.

To Hell With It

You are going to think I am CRAZY, but I LOVE Hellboy II: The Golden Army.

I love the special effects and the SOUNDS! I can go on and on... :)

I never saw Hellboy, the first one, but when I read that Guillermo del Toro was directing Hellboy II, I couldn't wait for it to come out in the movie theatre! Guillermo directed Pan's Labyrinth. That movie, while not for the faint at heart and NOT about Fairies as you might think, had amazing special effects. Additionally, the sounds the creatures made were so impressive! Therefore, I couldn't wait for Hellboy II, and I was not disappointed.

Guillermo with the cast.

HellBoy II is also funny - it has some great, laugh-out-loud parts to it!

My favorite scenes:

• when Hellboy fights Wink in the Troll Alley. Wink has a personality, and it shows in this scene. And the sound effects when he dies ( sorry for the spoiler ) is smart.
• the entire scene with the Forrest God. The special effects, the like-ness to a human, the reactions to words, the SOUNDS he makes, and in the end he creates life. My only regret is we don't hear more sounds from the Forrest God.
• i also liked when Krauss and Hellboy get into it in the locker room, lol.
• of course I love it in the end when the Golden Army comes back to life. You can hear a choo-choo train sound at one point!
• and finally, hearing the leather flaps of Prince Nuada's outfit while he fights and jumps in the last scene is awesome.

HellBoy II comes on all the time on my cable channels. I get all excited when I see on the guide that it will be coming on later that night! :) I can watch it over and over!!

Dang It...

Got this via email late last week:

:(


We would like to provide you with an important update to the American Airlines AAdvantage® program. Effective July 1, 2010, the Marriott Rewards program will no longer offer AAdvantage miles for stays at Marriott hotels.

All qualifying stays at participating properties completed by June 30, 2010 will be eligible to earn AAdvantage miles. It is also important to note the final date to convert your Marriott Rewards points to AAdvantage miles will be June 30, 2010.

As an AAdvantage member you have access to an extensive network of hotels where you can earn AAdvantage miles, including 60 brands in over 100 countries. For a limited time, visit the AAdvantage® ConnectionsSM Web site for a list of our special hotel offers.

We appreciate your loyalty to American Airlines and the AAdvantage program.

I use the points from Marriott solely for AA miles. Hmm... I don't think I earn enough points a year to get a free room/night from Marriott. I wonder if I will consider a different hotel chain when looking at where to stay if I am planning weekend trips. Hmm.... I will prolly stay at one certain Marriott in Austin due to location, but otherwise, I think my choice will be swayed.

Fortune Cookie

This was on the little piece of paper in my fortune cookie last week:

"A passionate new romance will appear in your life when you least expect it."

Well, duh!

Like they occur when we expect it? lol

April 2010

I don't write too much in this personal blog - I write more in my other blog (my pool blog) but that's okay. Sometimes I want to share things over here and sometimes I am too busy over there, lol.

Anyway, since I hadn't written once this month yet, and the end of the month is nearing, I thought I would submit a little entry.

Here is a great quote I saw the other day:

"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter." -- Mark Twain

Taxes

I have done my own taxes my whole life. I first started doing them by filling out the forms. Then when some Tax companies got online, I used them and continued to do my taxes online by myself. I even did my taxes myself when I was married and had our first house - it was pretty convenient and I didn't have to pay anyone to do them for me. I love saving money!

Well, last year I noticed that the cute little city that I live in (my mailing address is 'Fort Worth,' but I really live in a small little city in/near/beside Fort Worth) had set up for the AARP to complete and then file our taxes if we lived in this little city. All I had to to was to show up sometime on Mondays before April 15th at the City Hall (which is a super small little building) to meet with the AARP volunteers.

Last year I went because it was the first year I had to deal with things I hadn't done before - claiming my Mom, a new house, and what to do about my Dad's passing and my Mom's taxes. So, I broke down and went to this service because it was free.

They were very cordial and super nice! I wasn't sure if they would even work on my return because I wasn't an AARP-type person yet (lol), but they didn't seem to mind. I think they knew I was there for my Mom, anyway.

Well, I went today again and took advantage of their free, polite, fast service. I love it! I even got lucky and the same guy who did my return last year did my return this year, too. Out of about 8 volunteers, he had just finished working on a return when I walked in and so they sate me with him. He even remembered me - it was so sweet.

I need to write them a thank you letter, that's how excited and thankful I am. I love convenience and people helping me out!

Smile Quotes

I don't want the first post on this page to be so sad, so let me share some smile pics with ya:

Stress And Others

I noticed when I am stressed and overwhelmed I take it out on the ones I care about most. I also notice I want to hear from the ones I care about while I'm going through tough times and when I don't, my mind wanders into deep dark areas that I wish would never come up from the muddy waters... all because I "feel" lonely. My heart feels like if I was to hear from them, some of the sadness would go away; just hearing their voices calms me, distracts me, and makes me feel loved and less lonely.

I really, truly hate taking out my frustrations on the ones I care about. But when I am stressed and overwhelmed, I can't handle a lot of the questions that normally-wouldn't-irritate me and I in return get snappy. :( I don't mean to be snappy, though. I'm just mentally tasked and overwhelmed and my mind can't rationalize what is going on and it breaks down into child-like responses of frustration. :(

Besides a lot of questions, I also cannot take comments about things that need to be done. I immediately go into a defense mode and no positive thoughts can break through for some reason. Common sense goes right out the window and I can't think clear and rationalize that maybe the person is just talking AT me, not really saying negative things that I am not seeing what they truly are - just statements, not complaining of my lack of action. Usually they are just stating things that have come to their mind that need to be done; it's no reflection of me.

Then there's the contact aspect. When I am depressed, stressed, and overwhelmed, I admit wholeheartedly I want to hear more from the close male friends that may be in my life at the time. I really can't handle the lack of contact during the tough times - my mind literally spirals out of control and I feel so helpless and think negative thoughts that can sometimes consume me. :( I don't like to reach out when I am depressed or upset; but I wish so hard in my brain for the ones I care about to contact me, and yet they don't. They don't realize a simple phone call or text would mean the world and help me through the rough times. What upsets me even more is this happens even after I break down and explain I enjoy hearing from them and it helps me b/c I'm having a rough time. Isn't that obvious that it means I want/need to hear from them? I guess not. There have been a few times I even broke down and went WAY out of my comfort zone and actually ASKED for them to contact me more... which still led to NOT an increase in contact.

I wouldn't get upset at all at them or my mind wouldn't spiral out of control if I wasn't stressed or overwhelmed, though. I am fully aware of that. I wish I could control my thoughts better during the rough times; I really, really do. But I seem to really lose a good grasp of any leadership principle when I am stressed and overwhelmed and I get very fragile and weak. My mind has a mind of it's own, lol.

I am very happy for my few close girlfriends that I can call at any time or call/text me to see how I am doing. I also appreciate my online friends who keep in touch. Although I am venting above, still doesn't mean I do realize I do still have some great friends out there and I am very appreciative of you! I just I could handle my emotions and thoughts better during rough times...

The Eyes Have It

I decided after seeing some peeps with cool colored contacts that I would buy a box of grey and a box of green. The colored contacts looked awesome on them! I had green way back when in college, but only for a like a month or something.

I tried on many colors about a year and a half ago so I was excited about my choices.

I wore the grey ones for a week before I went to Vegas for my Birthday in February. I figured I wanted cool looking eyes for my B Day in my favorite city! No one noticed or said anything, though for that week. Hmm. Then I figured I would try the green ones before my Vegas trip. I wore them for about 4 days at a tournament I attended (not played in). No one noticed or said anything. Hmmm...

So, I didn't take either color to Vegas, lol. Now I have two boxes of colored contacts that I'm not sure I will wear again! I wouldn't mind wearing them in general, but I swear they make my eyes tired. I need to see if I can play pool in them - I swear I can see the colored edges at times even though I KNOW that doesn't make sense. One of these days I will try it out during league or something.... dunno.

Still, I think this is all hysterical that I planned for the colored contacts before my trip and then they weren't even noticeable. lol!

Sort by

So, why isn't it obvious if I choose to sort in my electronic folders on windows that I would want it by most recent date? Why does it automatically sort by furthest date when I choose to sort by "date" when adding an attachment to an email or to open a document? I mean, really. REALLY?!

Stronger

I'm trying to be strong with my thoughts; trying not to over think, think too much, worry about crap, all that jazz. I notice the more confident I am, the stronger my thoughts are.

I am trying to shut down spiraling, negative thoughts sooner, beat it at the pass so to speak.

I am somewhat successful right now because I am not depressed. Over the holidays it was pure torture, tho, lol.

I just saw this old phrase the other day and never really THOUGHT what the 4 words said, how impactful they really are, and how helpful they can be:

Don't Worry, Be Happy.

Why is that phrase so profound to me today?? I wish I could brand it on my brain.

Horoscope

Got this via e-mail the other day. Not sure if it's the Horoscope for the day, week, month, year, whatever but it kinda describes me I guess:

AQUARIUS - The Sweetheart (Jan 20 - Feb 18) Optimistic and honest. Sweet personality.... Very independent. Inventive and intelligent. Friendly and loyal. Can seem unemotional... Can be a bit rebellious.. Very stubborn, but original and unique. Attractive on the inside and out... Eccentric personality.

Then of course this was added at the end of my astrological sign: "11 years of luck if you forward."

Oops!

Hurt

"They didn't mean to hurt me."

Say it again.

"They didn't mean to hurt me."

People don't go through life deliberately hurting other people. If they do hurt me, they probably don't even know it!

I wish I could burn this into my brain for those times my heart aches so badly I can't believe it, or when I want to quickly lash out with a crappy response, or for those times after I get off the phone and just want to cry as I sit there in astonishment.

Reminder from my other blog entry:

People never become defensive about what you're saying.

People become defensive because of why they think you're saying it.

I should think that way, but I know that I can move forward much faster during times of hurt reminding myself that people do not deliberately hurt me, than trying to make my mind rethink years of harden memories.

Repeat After Me:

People do not deliberately hurt others.

Avatar

While I was apprehensive about seeing a 2 hour & 40 minute movie (I mean, who can make your nachos last THAT long?), enough friends said it didn't "feel" like a 3 hour movie so I decided to go check it out.

I decided against the 3D viewing, knowing James Cameron's work, I knew it would still be specatular and using the word "specatular" doesn't even come close to just how amazing it really was.

The special effects and action were AMAZING! I loved the movie. However, the reason the movie was also fabulous was because of the acting by a rising star named Zoe Saldana. She plays Neytiri in the film. She was phenomenal. When she cried with pain, you felt pain. Her voice described perfectly her emotions. It was truly amazing how she well she can act!

What makes her acting even more amazing is when you find out the acting of the "blue people" (as I call them) were done in a bland warehouse with little cameras pointing to their mouths and the actors in bodysuits with no props around them. To realize she showed those rare emotions in such an environment makes one appreciate her acting even more!

Neytiri

Zoe

On the set

Rough Start

I'm not one to complain - anyone who reads my blogs or knows me personally knows that. But I must admit, I had a rough start to the New Year. I hate to admit that! Not in my nature to complain or connect situations with events. So, this past weekend over New Year's was very different for me. Damn holidays, lol.

• Too much negativity going on in my mind
• Too many things I need to do around the house and yet I still haven't done them
• Too many big changes I need to make but don't know if I have the strength to really purge
• Worrying too much about stupid crap
• Crying over things I can control
• Learning who my true friends are is actually hurtful/hurting
• Feeling guilty because I should do even more for my Mom
• Still giving too much to others that do not show me even a smidgen of the same respect

As you can tell - a super rough weekend. :(

Enemy Quote

You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.
Winston Churchill

Pretty harsh quote, but interesting nonetheless.

Repeat!

Looks like I have to do a repeat. I MUST!

From last year, let me state my pet peeve:

It's rude not to spell it out! Why do people insist on shortening Christmas with an X then adding "mas." I don't even want to spell it out for this blog entry - that how uncouth I think it is!

Christmas is ABOUT Christ. CHRIST should not be removed from Christmas!!

Oh, and, Happy Holidays!!! :)

Shipped!

Ahh.... the email titles we love to see!

Dell Order Has Shipped

and:

B&H Photo Order Shipped

Within 7 days of each other, the two email titles above were sent to my little email inbox. I can't wait!!!!

Tiger

Got his tail caught... err, his, ya know.

Anyway, check out what my good friend Phil Capelle has been saying about Tiger:

• The Tiger Woods Scandal: Spraying to All Fields
• Tiger Woods Big Opportunity
• Woods Actions Put Sponsorships in Jeopardy
• The Tiger Woods Guessing Game
• Tiger Woods’ Shoddy Defense
• Tiger Woods Hits a New Low

All this talk lately of Tiger makes one look at this pic differently now, doesn't it?

The Internet Is So Smart

When I was in Martinique for work in June, I logged into Blogger real quick from my personal laptop and my blogger account came up in French! How wild! Take a gander:

Poor Adam

Poor Adam... kissed a guy onstage at an award ceremony and now Good Morning America canceled his morning show where he was gonna perform some songs.

Why do people really care that he kissed a guy? What gives! Break the barrier, Adam! You go girl! I mean, you go guy!

Happier

This is SO difficult for me to describe, but I will try. I have told about a half dozen friends about this and still do not know how to describe it, though.

Back in June, I was talking to a friend and I said, "all I wish was for him to be happy." I was speaking of one of my ex's. It then donned on me right then and there that I never wished that for myself. "Hmmm...." I reflected. I have said that before about my ex's, but this time it resonated (loudly!) that I could been thinking this way about myself.

I have actually said this my whole life to my Mom and about my Mom, "all I want is for you to be happy, Mom," but it never donned on me I could relate this to myself. Is that because I was already very happy? Or is it something we don't think about about ourselves?

I am a very happy person, do what I want to do, live life to the fullest, love my job, help others as much as much as I can, and appreciate my blessings, but yet, was I really doing extra things for myself that could make me even happier?

I can't begin to be able to describe the difference on this day - the day I wanted for ME to be happy.

This realization was truly eye opening. I have had goals in life and have achieved them; I have a great life (I think) and yet I still never said that about me (why would we say that about ourselves?).

Could I be even happier because of this profound moment?

Well, in addition to continuing to be happy and living life to the fullest, I thought of three things that I could work on/do that would make me even happier. While it's tough for me to fathom "happier," it is happening. An interesting result has occurred - I am having more fun because I'm happier about the success of these three things I am working on, which leads to me to truly being happier.

I still don't think I explained this well....

And if this blog post comes across as selfish, vain, arrogant, whatever, that is not my intention. This truly has been a wonderful realization for me, and I think also for those around me who have witnessed this important "transformation." Being happier is one thing, seeing happiness on a person is one thing, but smiling more and enjoying life is another.

Air Movies

Was on an 8 hour flight and was excited about the potential movies that would be shown. The first movie was okay - Imagine That with Eddie Murphy - then they showed some nbc sitcoms and finally another movie was shown! However, my excitement went to "OMG" when the "feature" second movie was the horrible Mall Cop. What a !@#$%^$#@ let down. :( One of the top 5 worst movies for me. :( Ironically, the first time I saw it was on an airplane earlier this year... ugh!

Loss For Words

A dear friend of mine lost his brother. I feel so bad for him. Another friends' Mom is not doing well; I feel so bad for her.

Sometimes, the loss for words are so deep, it's like a never-ending, empty water well.

I have lost someone I loved and cared for, so you'd think I'd know what to say... and maybe I do? But, to see others that I dearly care for go through loss..... is actually very tough for me to see them suffering, hurting, grieving. I feel so badly for what they are going through....

New Laws in Texas

Below is an article outlining some of the laws going in to effect on Sept 1, 2009 in Texas.

AUSTIN, TX --- A number of new traffic and vehicle laws in Texas go into effect Sept. 1, the Texas Department of Public Safety said, including selt belt requirements and cell phone restrictions. Here are some of the laws set to take effect in Texas:

• HB 537 requires all occupants of a vehicle, no matter their age, to be secured by a safety belt, no matter where they are seated in the vehicle; changes the definition of a passenger vehicle to include a passenger van designed to transport 15 or fewer passengers including the driver; removes the current exemption for third-party Medicaid transportation provisions regarding the use of child passenger safety seats; and prohibits a motorcycle operator from carrying a passenger under the age of five, unless the child is seated in a sidecar attached to the motorcycle.
• SB 61 amends the existing statute regarding child passenger safety seats. The bill requires that any child younger than eight years of age be restrained in an approved child passenger safety seat unless the child is at least 4 feet, 9 inches in height. The fine is no more than $25 for a first offense and $250 for a second offense. The law also creates a new court cost for conviction of an offense under this section to be collected and used by TxDOT to buy safety seats for low-income families. The law becomes effective on Sept. 1, 2009, but tickets for this offense cannot be issued until June 1, 2010. Police officers are allowed to issue a warning before that date.
• HB 55 makes it illegal to use a wireless communication device in a school zone unless the vehicle is stopped or a hands-free device is used. Cities or counties wanting to enforce this law must post a sign at the beginning of each school zone to inform drivers that using a wireless communications device is prohibited and the operator is subject to a fine. It is a defense to prosecution if the operator was making an emergency call.
• HB 2730 increases the penalties for driving while intoxicated with a child passenger by adding an automatic driver license suspension period for first-time offenders and an increased suspension period for repeat offenders. The driver license re-instatement fee for completing an education program will rise from $50 to $100. The law closes a loophole so a person who commits an offense as a minor cannot circumvent the driver license penalty if the person turns 21 before their court date.
• HB 2730 allows a new Texas resident to operate a vehicle without a Texas license for 90 days instead of the current 30. (This provision went into effect on June 19, 2009.)
• HB 2012 creates two new punishment enhancements: a Class B misdemeanor if a person drives with a suspended license and without insurance; and a class A misdemeanor if the person driving without insurance or a valid driver license has an accident and someone is seriously injured or dies as a result of that accident.
• SB 129 authorizes neighborhood electric vehicles (NEVs) to be operated on roads with a posted speed limit of 45 miles per hour or less. The bill authorizes driver license holders to operate NEVs without having a motorcycle endorsement, clarifies that drivers and passengers in such vehicles are not required to wear helmets and specifies that enclosed three-wheeled vehicles as described in the bill are authorized to operate in preferential lanes.
• HB 2730 requires that all applicants under the age of 18 take the driving skills exam to receive a driver license. The law also requires that a provisional driver license (under 18) or instruction permit expire on an individual's 18th birthday, removes the requirement that a provisional driver license or instruction permit be renewed annually and increases the fee for those licenses from $5 to $15. It also extends the current phase-two restrictions for holders of a graduated driver license from six months to 1 year. These restrictions include limited night driving, prohibited use of wireless communication devices and a limited number of passengers.
• HB 339 increases the total hours of behind-the-wheel driving instruction a teen receives from 14 to 34 after TEA develops criteria for curriculum. (Goes into effect May 1, 2010.)
• SB 1317 creates a six-hour driver education course required for driver license applicants 18 years of age or older. It also mandates that applicants 25 or under must submit to an approved driver education course. (Goes into effect March 1, 2010.)
• SB 328 gives DPS the power to suspend a minor's driver license if he or she fails a breath or blood alcohol test while operating a watercraft. Chapter 524 of the Transportation Code also clearly defines the suspension period for an individual who was under the age of 21 at the time when the offense of boating under the influence or driving under the influence of alcohol occurred. The law also increases the reinstatement fee for a license suspended under sections 49.04-49.08, Penal Code from $50 to $100.
• HB 2730 increases the driver license sanction from a one-year CDL license disqualification to a lifetime disqualification if a person uses a motor vehicle to transport, conceal or harbor an alien. If a child is engaged in conduct involving a severe form of trafficking persons, a judge at a juvenile hearing is required to order the juvenile's driver license or permit to be suspended.
• HB 2730 prohibits DPS from issuing a driver license or identification card to a person who has not established a domicile in Texas. The law specifies that an applicant may receive a driver license at a post office box only if the applicant's residence address has also been provided, with some exceptions.
• HB 1282 makes it a Class B misdemeanor to steal a driver license, commercial driver license or personal identification.
• HB 2730 increases the fine for a parking violation at the state Capitol from $10 to $25, and increases the late fee from $2 to $5.
• SB 589 requires that window installers place a vehicle equipment safety compliance label on a windshield, side or rear window stating that the window tinting complies with the appropriate provisions of the Transportation Code. Failing to place the required label on the vehicle could now lead to a $1,000 fine for the window installer.

Why Did They Say That?

This is so true, and also reminds me of my other blog article from another leadership seminar. The one below is from Dr. Tom Holloway:

People never become defensive about what you're saying.

People become defensive because of why they think you're saying it.

Grattitude

"When we choose not to focus on what is missing from our lives but are grateful for the abundance that's present... We experience heaven on earth." - Sarah Breathnach

Pizza and the 'Boys

Pappa Johns Pizza has an AWESOME deal.

Cowboys Toppings for Touchdowns:

Every Monday and Tuesday, Pappa Johns has a Dallas Cowboys Special: Get a Large Cheese Pizza for only $7.99 plus a FREE Topping for every Touchdown scored in the previous weekend's game.

Last night there were 2 TDs against Carolina and therefore 2 TD's = 2 free toppings. One Monday after a pre-season game, Mom and I were able to get 4 free toppings on her pizza for only $7.99. :)

About Time...

It dawned on me the other day that I have not been setting my alarm clock, and yet it's been okay!

My Mom was in the hospital for 32 days and every day I did not set an alarm clock (unless of course she had an early morning procedure). Otherwise, because I wasn't going in to work or because I would see her before going to work, I just didn't set my alarm.

After she was home, I still didn't set my alarm. My hours at work are 9am to 6pm. My body normally wakes itself up between 730am and 830am every day - no matter what time I go to sleep the night before.

I wonder how many other people do not set their alarms or use an alarm clock?

Obviously, if I need to be at work earlier than normal, have a morning appointment, need to catch an early morning flight, or have to get up for a pool tournament, I will set my alarm clock to be sure I wake up in time - just in case.

But right now, I don't set my alarm clock. Why do I find that so odd?

Movie Withdrawals

I hadn't seen a movie at the movie theatre in a while. Not like me at all. I love taking a few hours away from the real world to eat good nachos and watch a movie on a Saturday morning. Maybe I'll get to see one this weekend, but I admit there isn't a lot of real good movies to see right now anyway...

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

Comments/phrases from Don't Sweat the Small Stuff Daily Calendar:

• One of the most effective ways to create a happier, less stressed, and far more balanced life is to remember that there is far more to life than winning and losing.
• Excessive thinking about the perceived inequities in your relationship will frustrate you and stress you out.
• One of the ultimate tests of being human is to be able to wish someone else well - even when you may be hurt. If you can do this, you''ll experience the magic of the healing power of love.

You can never tell...

When my Mom was in the hospital for 32 days, it was a very trying time for both of us.

During the first week at the cold, beige hospital, the cardiologist gave her an echo cardiogram. They bring in this big, stupid machine and it takes pics and scans as they rub her skin all around her heart. I held her hand because at times it was very painful to her, and it seemed to last about 30 minutes or so. It was uncomfortable for her the whole time.

The next day we find out the results of that particular heart test (she would have several other heart tests/procedures). The echo cardiogram showed Mom had two leaky valves. :(

Luckily, the two dysfunctional leaky valves were still working about 60% and the doc said there was no need for a surgical procedure to fix them, nor medicine to take for them.

As I drove to see her at the hospital the next morning, I remembered I had a screwdriver in my middle console. I searched and prodded through the crap in the middle console of my SUV, trying to navigate the steering wheel, and finally found the screwdriver at the bottom of the console as I was driving. My purse was on the passenger side seat and I put the screwdriver inside it.

As I walked through the hallways, navigating through the hospital to get to Mom's ICU area, I wondered how my Mom would react to the screwdriver. Would she think it was funny or would she be upset? She was in ICU at this point and so things were not going so well for her. Would she take it as rude? I decided to still risk it, all the while wondering if someone happened to stop me and check my persons, they would see I was bringing a weapon into the hospital! lol.

I came into her room slowly, and she was awake watching something on the few channels they had and then gave her a big hug and kiss and said my hellos and asked how her morning was going so far. She shared with me what she had for breakfast and commented on her nurse that she liked. I then sat down in the chair in the room and scooted it near her bed and I held her hand. I looked into her sleepy eyes and said seriously, "I brought something for you."

She perked up a little bit, curious to what I brought. Was it another book or a magazine, I bet she wondered. I then took the screwdriver out dramatically with a "voila" type ninja move and she just looked at it. I then said, "well, I brought the screwdriver in to help fix your leaky valves."

I waited for the "WTH" mood or the laugh and luckily, she laughed! Whew! She thought it was hysterical and we both laughed as I added, "well, I don't want my Mom to go around town with two leaky valves for crying out loud."

Two Year Anniversary

It's been two years today that my Dad passed away. I miss him and hope I am making him proud the way I am trying to take care of Mom for us.

When I see the moon, it reminds me of my Dad. Here is his watching over me on a trip just last month:


And here is my favorite photo of him and I:


Not sure he ever saw this pic, though. I took it with my work phone so not sure I was able to show it to him. I just recently enlarged it and printed it and it's hanging in my house right when I walk in.

I Love You and Miss You all the time.
Thank you for listening to me and for being there for me and Mom still.
Love always,
Smallperson Bailey the 1st

Window Washer Surprise

Thank goodness for my new little camera that I can grab from my purse quickly, or else I wouldn't be able to share this surprise from Monday:

Um, yea, my office is on the TENTH floor!!

Dove Sayings

Dove Chocolate prints messages on their wrappers. Instead of having the wrappers I want to keep with great sayings all over my desk, I will add them to my blog instead:

From Dove Chocolate wrappers:

• Take time to reflect on the beauty that surrounds you!
  
• Girlfriends prefer you listen, not give advice.
• Make it happen, every day.
• Learn to let go.
• Life is about creating yourself.
  
• Inhale. Exhale. Smile.
• Don't let anger rent a room in your head.
• Remember, everyone has story.
• Be still, breathe, know - you are fine.
• Be downright silly every once in a while.
  
• Living well and being happy is the best revenge.
  
• Never let others' opinions change the way you feel about yourself.
  
• Be who you are - originals are much more valuable.
• You are SO worth it!
  
• Do what feels right
  
• Life is precious and an opportunity for you to make every moment count.
• Live in the present.
• Failure is.... only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently.
• Learn something from everyone you meet.
• Make a list of your dreams.
• Make "someday" today.
• Your presence is often the best present.
• Do not look back and ask why, look forward and ask, why not?
• Don't think about it so much.
• Be a good listener to your friends.
• Keep believing in yourself and your special dreams.
• Do a little more each day than you think you possibly can.

Returns

I rushed to Burlington Coat Factory to return two shirts I bought 30 days before, because the receipt clearly states you must have receipt and bring back within 30 days. Well, after waiting in a long line, and the computer went down, I finally whisked to the counter only to find out it had been 31 days. Not only that, you CAN return it without a receipt after 30 days, you just get store credit. ARGH! So much for rushing that day. Ugh.

Then I returned a few small things at Target two days later. As I stood in the short line I read on a nice sign that if you don't have a receipt, just show them the credit card you used and if it has been within 90 days, the system will find the charge on your credit card and voila! You magically get credited without hassle and without a receipt. WOW! GREAT customer service.

Then I go to Walmart two further days later. The line is short, but I am there so long, the line gets SUPER long behind me. I have ten things to return. Three items on one receipt, and four more items on three additional separate receipts. The lady is NOT happy with me at all and had the bedside manner of a grape that talks shit. I was not happy. Then come the four items that I cannot find a receipt for (trust me, I searched everywhere for them!). I tell the grape, "I was told I can bring these back without a receipt, as long as the amount does not go over $50". And she replies in her grape tone, "Someone told you that?" "Yes," I replied... "I have done this before (can't you tell by the number of receipts I have?)." A $48.84 Walmart gift card later, and I walk into the meat of the store and proceed to spend that amount and 4 times more. :) (I bought new frames and groceries for Mom!) BUT - I didn't buy any clothes so there will be no returns with THAT receipt (that I have stored in a place I can find - just in case).

Stressful Destresser

My beautiful friend Sharon Townsend suggested I walk to de-stress. So, while my Mom was in the hospital, I decided one night to grab my new rollerBlades and skate in my neighborhood to destress.

I had some rollerblades that I LOVED but they broke after about 8 years and I didn't know where I had bought them. The next ones I bought were too big. So then I decided to try rollersKates - those were always fun! But, the ones I bought did NOT work well on the asphalt and I almost fell several times.

So while I looked for a better pair of skates with smooth wheels, I ended up buying a new set of rollberBlades in my correct size because skates are hard to come by unless you buy them from the Internet. :(

The sad pair of skates that SUCK!

Well, I put the new, correct-size rollerBlades on and they sure felt more comfortable than the other pair that were the wrong size. lol. As I rollerBladed along, while listening to my ipod, I had been gone about 15 minutes when I realized the right wheel was crooked; extremely crooked, actually. I tried to straighten it out as I skated along and WAM! I fell. I landed on the top of my left hand and scraped up my knuckles. Ugh. I got up, and wiped the embarrassment off my ass and as I skated along some more I wondered if it was a pebble that caused me to fall... and then I noticed again the severe crooked wheels and as I straightened my right foot, WAM! I fell again. Shit! This time I fell on my left knee and again on my palms and forearms.

I decided to take them off and walk all the way home with them under my arms. As I walked home, I realized it could have been a lot worse - broken bones, landed on my face, cracked my head open, etc. I was pretty fortunate for the scrapes only, even though they stung like hell.

So, what should have been a wonderful de-stressful time turned out to be very stressful. I got home, called Mom, and she immediately could tell something was wrong. I found the band aids and neosporin and limped upstairs. :(

De-stresser marks, right after the fall(s).

I have been rollerblading for over ten years and had never fallen until that day. Dag nabit!! Well, I have resorted to walking with the dog...

Pizza is Easy

I love being able to order pizza online! I just sit here and a few clicks and there it goes, ordered and charged to my credit card!

Ahhh.... technology.

If You Died Today....

I was driving to the hospital today after I won a league match to spend some time with my Mom while she is still recuperating and it donned on me if I died today, I would be okay about it.

I had this sense of be-ing surrounding me. I had a sense of completeness. I am very happy with all that I have accomplished in life and feel if I was to die today, I would not go scratching and clawing and wanting to be back because I wanted to do more or should have done this/that or had regrets. Nope, not me.

I know it sounds morbid, but think for a moment if you are happy in your life; satisfied; content; blessed; fulfilled. I feel I am very blessed. I hope my friends and family feel the same way.

Let me bore you and list a few specific examples as to why I feel blessed:

• I had a memorable childhood that I like to reflect on - growing up in the Texas Hill country along the Frio River
• I not only went to college, I had a blast in college.
• I LOVE my job.
  
• I have had wonderful pets in my life (still do).
• My Mom and I live together and I love being so close to her.
• I drive the car I always wanted as a child.
• I live in a house I always drove by and wish I lived in.
• Customer service (helping people) has been my overarching goal in my professional life and with my hobby (passion) and with my job I help people every day and with my passion, I ran a Tour for women to achieve their dreams and I also became an ambassador of sorts for Texas tournament players.
• I have designed my dream cue and play with it now.
  
• I won a tournament.
• I have been in love.
  
• All I ever wanted was for my Mom to be happy - I think she is happy.
• I am blessed to have dabbled and had a little talent in poetry, art (drawing), photography, webdesign, webgraphics, and yet also a mathematician.
• I have good friends and family.
• I was able to love my Dad and get to know the true, dedicated, loving man he is before he passed.
• I had a beautiful wedding.
• Was able to be a part of a great leadership program at work.
• Had a dear friend help me in my mid 20s from being overly sensitive toward everything in my life.
• Many very amazing people have crossed my path and come into my life.
  

Don't get me wrong, there are still things I would love to accomplish in my life.

And of course there are things that have happened to me in my life that I don't wish on anyone. I just try not to focus and dwell on the bad, sad, unfortunate things that have happened - that list would be longer than the one above!

But I live life knowing that everything happens for a reason and more importantly, I try and learn from everything that happens - the good and the bad. I don't see things as "bad" things happened to me - I see them as growing experiences; learning experiences; LIFE experiences. I suppose it's how I can look at things that make me realize I am truly blessed.

If I died today.... I'd be okay.

(of course this blog post is being written almost 5 weeks after my severe depression lifted. I wonder if I would have thought the same during that time? I sure hope so.)

Remember, it's how you look at things

Another great quote. I'd like to keep reminded of this:

"Everything hinges on how you look at things."
— Henry Miller

Popcorn Hospital

Mom is in the hospital. After calling 911, 8 hours of ER, 4 days in ICU, breathing issues and heart tests/results (leaky valve, blockage and afibulation), she was moved out of ICU. You'd think that'd be cause for happiness, but the small room she was moved too turned out to be a growing place of new issues. Blood thinners, blood transfusion, low blood pressure, black stools, a scheduled colonoscopy tomorrow - all within 5 additional days.

Ten days later, I'm scared as hell. What will the 40 minute procedure show? Will she stop having internal bleeding and can come home? I am not doing well - not being strong for her. I am disappointed in myself. :(

She and I will get through this, together, though.

In the mean time, check out these lovely hospital photos:

Before you can get into ICU....

And here is the sink "behind you."


The hospital volunteers make popcorn almost every afternoon (and becomes my staple of choice).


The hospital staff said I can't take pics in the hospital, so don't share this photo with anyone (they got mad at me for taking the photo), but look at all those IVs! Poor Mom. :(

It's His Loss

I wasn't sure what to title this blog article, but instead of focusing on MY loss, I realize now it's HIS loss.

The amazingly handsome and sexy Channing Tatum was married this month (July 2009) . He married his leading lady co star from Step Up (yeah, I don't like her much).

Every movie he is in.... I go see. :) I'm the same way with James Marsden. :)

To mourn their union, errr, mourn HIS loss, here are some pics of the sexy man himself:





Oohhhh... such a sad day... :(

Bread and Butter

Your mate doesn't live by bread alone; he or she needs to be "buttered up" from time to time. - Zig Ziglar

2009 Movies

See 2008 Movies.

I'll update this as the year goes on...

Avatar (okay, I saw it in 2010) - I really liked it!
It's Complicated - Really liked it!
Up in the Air - liked it!
Surrogates - I liked it.
GI Joe - very disappointed. The only good thing about it was I went with a friend of mine to see it, so I wasn't alone for the two hours. LOL
The Ugly Truth - it was okay
Bridal Wars - liked it
Mall Cop - saw it on a plane, did NOT like it.
He's Just Not that Into You - saw on a place, liked it.
Duplicity - okay.
State of Play - liked it.
Fighting - liked it.
Up in 3D - eh, okay.
Terminator 4 - liked it!
The Hangover - liked it.
Transformers 2 - liked it!
Public enemies - didn't like it.
Ice Age 3D - liked it.

Happiness

All the happiness you ever find lies in you.

Five Things That Waste Your Energy

In order to create that which we most want in our life, we need ENERGY! Sounds obvious, but for many it's a surprising new fact. The first rule of any decent conservation plan is to stop wasting energy. There are many energy-drains that we become oblivious to as we live our life on a day-to-day basis. Here are some energy wasters and how to combat them, so that you can free up your energy and use it to build your dreams.

1. Needless worry.
   Worry over every little thing in your life is one of the most efficient energy drains there is. It's sole purpose appears to be to fill our mind with constant concern over the most mundane things. In that way, we seem to give ourselves a good excuse for not working on what is really important to us.
   
   How to Stop the Leak: Unless you are in immediate physical danger, identify what's worrying you. If you can not control or influence the outcome, let it go. There is a less than 1% chance that the thing you are afraid of will even happen. Stay tuned in to the probabilities and take some long slow deep breaths. Then, focus on what's really important to you!
   
   
2. Doing for the sake of doing.
   We live in an action-oriented culture. If we're not doing, we are made to feel guilty. There is little value placed on thinking or planning. We fill up our lives with activity, purposeful or not, just to prove we are doers, as if that alone gives us our value. This is especially true if you are a person who goes inside to process information. The apparent lack of activity on your part is considered to be laziness by those who process information by talking aloud or doing.
   
   How to Stop the Leak: Don't just look at your to-do list. Look at why the item is on your list. Is there true value in it? What would happen if it never got done? Does anyone (including you) really care about this item? Review your list and eliminate the items which you can't even remember why you put them on the list. Then, start focusing your energy by asking the question: What is the most important thing to do RIGHT NOW? Even without paper in front of us, most of us know what that is. Taking care of the most important thing first recaptures energy as we enjoy the completion and feel energized to do the next most important thing. Incompletions are big energy wasters!
   
   
3. Anything broken that needs to be fixed.
   At any given time, most of us have a list of things around the house that need fixing or just some attention. Burnt out light bulbs, leaky faucets, anything that must be done 'just so' to make it work, these are just some samples to give you the idea. If it needs your attention, give it!! If you don't, you will spend more energy trying to remember to call the plumber than in actually getting the plumber to your house!
   
   How to Stop the Leak: As Nike says, "Just do it!". The worry about trying to remember to get it done and the annoyance caused by the broken item are serious energy drains.
   
   
4. Trying to be Perfect.
   When we focus on being perfect, we consume a lot of valuable energy on a fruitless mission. While we can certainly work on becoming our best self, it's important to note that our best self isn't perfect. It's just the best we can be today and a striving to be even better tomorrow. Perfection is unattainable. That's a simple truth. So spending a lot of energy on getting it 'exactly' right will burn up valuable energy and put us on a hamster wheel of wasted energy.
   
   How to Stop the Leak: Recognize and accept that perfection is not a goal to go after. It is much better (and healthier) to focus on becoming your best self. This will release a lot of energy and self-judgment, which drains even more energy.
   
   
5. Friends who Take, Take, Take your Energy.
   I don't know anyone who doesn't have at least one friend like this. Bottom line, it's all about them. It is a waste of time to try to have a dialogue because all they really want is someone to listen to their monologue. Worse, these people seldom want to talk about the good things in their life (apparently, there never is anything good!). You get off the phone, feeling exhausted and you barely said two words. Or, all you got to say was to agree to do whatever they needed.
   
   How to Stop the Leak: Wish this friend well and let them go! Be less accessible to them when they call. Set expectations at the beginning of the call: "Gee, I only have about 10 minutes before I have to xxx." Then be firm about keeping to that 10 minutes. If they don't start calling you less, then I'd say to invest in a caller ID system so you can see who is on the phone. If you don't feel you have the energy to talk to this 'friend', then don't. You can call them back later when you are feeling stronger. This doesn't make you a bad person, just someone who is committed to own self care.

Most-Requested Column

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio

“To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the I’ve ever written."

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more :

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful , beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come.

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Let ME Out

I need some pampering. Not just my nails done, but maybe a new, awesome massage. I need to do some things for me. I love to go out to dinner - I need to do that more but it's slim pickings where I live to go out to eat for dinner as there aren't many friends that live near me. I am also not one to ask for help for anything and even asking someone to go to dinner makes me feel like I am intruding on their time.

I have been super depressed for just over two weeks.
When will it subside?
When will it end?

I have had episodes of depression in my life before, but this one is brutal. I haven't smiled in so long. I want to get out of this funk.

What will be the trigger?
When will it occur?

The good thing is I am getting a lot done at work and I am sleeping. But, I am sad for some reason.

I need to put the ME back in Melinda. Giving 110% to every aspect of my life but myself is taking it's toll. I'm taking steps, but I still don't feel up to par.

I feel so alone.

I can't wait for this to go away. I am ready!

Backyard Trees

My Mom and I have finally figured out that I do not have time to work on the lawn anymore - I am just too short on time but don't want to get another citation from the lovely owner's association.

So, we hired a couple of kids in the neighborhood who do this for other neighbors as well and we feel quite proud allowing them to make a little extra money. However, I only mowed the backyard once or twice in ONE year so by the time I finally gave in to the kids asking if I wanted my backyard to be mowed, it was WAY overdue. WAY.

Here, see for yourself:




Pretty damn funny to me!!! I told my Mom -well, you wanted some trees in the backyard. LOL! Of course, I wondered how the dog was handling the weeds and tall grass and thought she was prolly having trouble going to the bathroom with such interference. hehe. Anyway, some fertilizer and one cut so far has led to a great looking backyard. :)

Airport Female Bathrooms

They are not made for women. We drag our luggage, walk to a stall, and the door opens INword. Yes, IN! That means I have to try and drag my suitcase and my rolling laptop bag inside the bathroom with me as they barely fit past the door for me to close it. I can pull it in, but then the door can't close. I'm stuck between the door, toilet, and luggage. WTF.

Every time this happens I want to bitch and moan. I have finally decided to just leave my suitcases outside the door. I can no longer frustrate myself by arm wrestling with my luggage and fighting to close the door, while trying to get them inside the stall because it's simply physically impossible. Argh!

More Good Advice!

From my friend Shayla:

"If you want to change the way you feel about people, you have to change the way you treat them" - Anne Lamont

Stop-Loss on Worries

From klockdoc on the AZB forums:

Here is a saying that makes a lot of sense to me.

Put a "STOP-LOSS" order on your worries. Decide just how much anxiety a thing may be worth--and refuse to give it any more.

From Dale Carnegie

You can only worry about things to a certain point. They are either going to happen...or not. Make your plans for the worse case scenario, then accept the results. Worrying never makes it easier to accept...just prolongs the anxiety.

Very Interesting....

I read this today, wanted to share:

Happiness is easy..we just have to decide to be.

Lip Liner

I was out of the country for work in a warm climate so I didn't wear lip liner the whole week and just kept all my make up simple.

I am back now and have continued to not wear lip liner and after 4 days (the weekend and two days at work), I've decided I do not like it. Starting tomorrow - lip liner will be used again. :)