August, Ugh

While I mentioned back in Feb that that month out of the year is a difficult month for me, it's not actually the toughest for me.  August is actually the toughest.

And here I sit, on this first day of August, thinking about what lies ahead of me:  My Mom's birthday (August 6th) and my Mom's deathdate (August 19th).

It's amazing to me how much this woman meant to me and how much my life became paralyzed because of my deep love for her.

I'd like to look at August as this:  if my Mom hadn't been born this month, then I wouldn't have been born!  So, I should look at this month as a GOOD month.  While I will try, I can tell you that come August 6th and 19th, I will not be myself at all.

Whatever "my self" is nowadays.

Hate Versus Love

My biological Father and I hadn't seen each other in over 20 years when I finally invited him and his wife to visit me in Texas when I was 35.

When you see someone in person for the first time in that long of a separation, you finally get to ask the questions that have been on your mind, that you could never truly express in an email or phone call.

The second day of his visit, we were sitting on my back porch and the topic of my Mom came up; his ex wife.

He and his new wife had this "vision" of my Mom - that she went out for blood back in the late 1970s.  But in reality, she was a paralegal at a law firm and THEY went after him.  But, she never wanted his money.  She wanted /him/.  But all they saw was the numerous lawyer letters and forms.

My Dad didn't make that much money back then and here comes the child support and ex-spouse support.  While they didn't know why my Mom "went after them," we had no idea how poor they lived for years and sacrificed because of it.  I didn't find out until that weekend how tough it had been for them.

My Dad sat there, smoking his stupid cigarette and asked me on this cool, crisp, beautiful morning, "Why did your Mom hate me so much?"  Without skipping a beat I answered, "she doesn't hate you, she loves you."

He looked back at me, stunned.  Absolute shock at what I just said to him.

It was one of the most poignant exchanges I've had with a person.

I don't think he ever thought about it that way.  And I never thought about it from his point of view, but then how could he?  How could he know that all I ever heard while growing up was how broken-hearted my Mom was.  She missed him more than life itself.  Even 30-40 years later, she still thought about him and still talked about how much she missed him.  She never understood why he left, and she never got over it.

Oh, "hate" was not the word.  Love was.  "Love" was the word.

Last Hurrah

They say right before death for ill people, that they have a "last hurrah" moment.  It's written about often in literature and articles.  Something they normally wouldn't have the desire or energy for.  Or, for some, they seem to have a moment of recovery.  Some people say it's God's way of giving last time to say a an informal goodbye. 

This was my Mom's - first time in 3 years she said yes to eating out with me!  Almost exactly a month later, she would leave me and the world behind.  This was at Carrabbas!  We had such a great day shopping at Macy's and eating out.  <3 p="">
This was July 12th, 2011:

Cancer Sucks

Heartbreaking when you get two calls in a week about cancer.

One of my friends' wife was diagnosed with lung cancer.   They just found out and he shared the news with me this week.  I teared up as he told me Thursday, "she's my best friend and the love of my life."  He's trying to stay positive and he says his wife is being a trooper, but she's very fragile.  I feel so badly they are going through this.

And then... I got off the phone bawling Friday afternoon.  My friend just found out that day he has throat cancer.  He said, "I just wanted to call you and tell you I love you."  He's never told me that before, til today. 

He also said he's not scared or depressed, and that he's lived a great life.  "If it takes me, it takes me."   I told him we could all learn something from him.  I was astonished with his words.  He's still going to fight it, but he's being very calm at the moment.

Heartbreaking... 

I Was Sexually Harassed

I am a statistic of sexual harassment in the work place.

Gretchen Carlson's 'coming out' inspired me to share my story.

I work in a very male-dominated field.  When I entered my job (career) fresh out of college back in 1992, there were very few females around.

I was told things like, "don't share if you have car problems, it shows weakness and that you can't do things on your own."  Whereas now I share this information to GET advice.  The difference between 'back then' and 'now' is light years.

This also included how guys spoke about and to females in my office.

One of my coworkers started to make direct, rude comments to me about my body.  I got so uncomfortable with his words, it got to the point where I was scared to go into work in fear of running into him.  I was literally afraid of what he might say to me each day.

Instead of coming in early to relieve him on shift, for example, I would wait until the last minute to walk in so he wouldn't have any extra time to make rude and lewd comments that were deeply affecting me.  He started to leave voicemails on my home phone, "where are you??" even though I still had a few minutes to walk in the office door.

The guy would say things like this to me at work:

• you need to eat more so your chest will grow
• wear shorter skirts so you can show more
• I searched the bar parking lots on Friday night to see if your car was there
• my son has a really big dick
• I bet your cherry is already popped

One time he had the audacity to show photos of his wife in a bathtub to our coworkers.  When I asked others about it, they would all say, "oh, that's just how he is."  Even though I could tell they were uncomfortable and didn't want to see his nude wife.

I was very intimidated and petrified so I just did the only thing I knew how:  tried to avoid him.  My boyfriend at the time noticed how much I changed - depressed and scared and didn't want to go to work.  He finally told me, "you are being sexually harassed."

"I am?"  At that time in the early 90s, that term wasn't even commonplace.  All I knew was that I was scared to death to see the guy or be around him for fear of what he might say about me or my body.  I had a lot of anxiety and fell into depression.

My boyfriend suggested I talk to my boss.  So..... I did.  My boss said to me, "well, sexual harassment can depend on a lot of things and interpretation.  For, example did he say you looked nice in an outfit?"

I shared what all he actually said to me and my boss looked at me dead in the eye disappointed and said, "yes, you are being sexually harassed.  I will talk to him."

After he was 'talked to,' he apologized to me (you could tell he got a verbal whipping) and he said he would never speak to me again about anything except work-related things.  We still had to brief each other between shifts sometimes, but from that point on he never said anything else and he left work promptly.

The only thing he added after the apology was, "I wish you would have talked to me first."

In my opinion, that statement revealed a lot.  It proved I was not comfortable to talk to him about my anxiety and issues with him (who confronts or tries to talk to an aggressor?) and it proved he had no idea how difficult it had been for me.  While I understand he was upset at me for getting him 'in trouble,' I could barely be around him without being scared or nervous.  Why in the world would I have the courage to say anything to him when I felt like a turtle hiding, not able to speak, scared of him, and trying to avoid him?

I think he was just comfy at work and that's how he spoke to everyone.  He had no idea how damaging his words were, though.  I was right out of college and thrown into what seemed like a pit of snakes.  And all my coworkers just accepted his lewd behavior.

One of the coworkers kinda defended him, "you didn't have to get him in trouble, ya know."  I got mad and snapped at him, "HE SEXUALLY HARASSED ME!" I shouted in tears defending myself, and the guy slithered away.  I had finally defended myself, even if to the wrong person.

Little did I know 3-4 years later I would experience sexual harassment again, in the same office, but with a different individual.

Our office was moved some 60 miles away and there was a lot of turn-over with the staff.  One of the new guys made me feel VERY uneasy.  He was always staring at me and looking at me all day long and he made me feel very uncomfortable.  One day I had a pendant on my necklace and he asked me about it.  Then all of a sudden he reached right towards me and lifted it up off my chest to take a closer look at it.  While that may seem innocent, he actually touched my breast, and I immediately went into turtle mode and stood there frozen in fear.

I finally confided and vented often to a coworker/friend how paralyzed and petrified I felt around him.  I was nervous to be in the same room with him because he made me feel so uneasy, even with others around he was very menacing to me.

I wasn't the type of girl to say, "stop that!" I instead was the type who got scared and froze in those situations.  He was older, bigger, intimidating, and I was mentally frail and scared.

We had a 'workshop' one afternoon in the office about EEO and sexual harassment in the work place.  In that class (that he did not attend btw), that coworker I confided in heard this:  "sometimes you have to speak up for others."

One day I come into work and I'm blindsided - my boss wants to talk to me.  I walk in her office and also sitting there is the boss of the guy who was sexually harassing me.

My friend had told them what was happening to me and they wanted to know if it was true.

Yes.

All true.

I didn't come forward because of the backlash from this guy.  If he got mad at me for 'telling on him,' how would he treat me then?  I was already so intimidated and scared to be around him.

The bosses were disappointed I had been treated that way and been through it.  I begged them not to say anything to him, but they said they had to.  The staring and 'looks' continued but he stopped talking to me and other females in the offices, luckily.

I thanked my coworker for speaking up for me, because I was too shy and afraid to do it myself.

Almost 10 years later, I was at a new office and word got around that a guy who had been sexually harassing women was to be reassigned to our office.  When I heard this, I LOST it.  I got upset, crying, raising my voice how I could not be around someone like that again!  It's amazing how affected I was at just the thought of having to deal with that again.

(for the record this new employee has yet to make comments to me personally, but a few female visitors have felt uncomfortable because of him and his words).

One thing we were taught in that 'class:'  if you wouldn't say something to a coworker with their spouse or your spouse standing there, then you should never say it.  That's kind of the 'thermometer' for situations.

As you are reading this you may think these aren't /that/ uncomfortable situations.  But I can tell you that as I type all this out my heart is racing and I have anxiety just thinking about it.  Those instances were very traumatic for me in the workplace.

And, if you have daughters or sisters, I can guarantee you wouldn't want them to feel this uncomfortable.

I am just grateful things have changed in the workplace, and that I always had supportive bosses for when I did finally talk to them. 

#standwithgretchen

Telling Others; Tell Them, too

I thought I was a great kid, that grew up into a responsible woman.  But my Mom never told me she was proud of me.  And yet I yearned for that for some reason.

I didn't do drugs, went to college, never got in trouble, had a great job, and yet I never knew if she was happy about me or not.  Or proud of me, even.

One day home for a weekend visit, I got upset about something and snapped at my Dad about how I never got any feedback from my Mom.

Don't get me wrong, I knew how much she loved me and she told me all the time, but I never knew otherwise how she felt about me.

When I snapped at my Dad, he looked at me real funny.  "Your Mom tells people all the time she's proud of you.  Brags to everyone about you.  How you finished college, have your own apartment, have a great job, etc."

I looked at him through tears and confusion.  "WHAT?  REALLY?"

I ran to my Mom in the other room and hugged her tightly.  She was confused, and asked me, "what, Melinda?"

I replied crying in her chest, relieved, "You ARE proud me!"

She loosened my grip on her body and pushed me away from her so she could look directly into my eyes, "well, of course I'm proud of you.  Look at you and all you've already accomplished!"

And I confided with hurtness, "but you never told /me/.  I had no idea."

She grabbed me and hugged me back tightly.  She felt bad I had been hurt and confused.

After that crucial point in both of our lives, she was more complimentary to me.  Further, every card I received from her that day forward had the word "proud" in it.  :) 

A Therapists Prescription for Better Mental Health

Copy, Paste:

From a link I came across..... A Therapists Prescription for Better Mental Health:

1. Treat yourself with kindness.
2. Say “no” when you need to.
3. Step out of your comfort zone.
4. Don’t compare yourself to others.
5. Embrace your mistakes, they don’t define you.
6. Be truly present.
7. Get outside.
8. Cut yourself some slack.
9. Make rest a priority.
10. Make fun a priority, too.
11. Savor good memories.
12. Make new friends.
13. Laugh often.
14. Create something.
15. Anticipate joy.
16. Appreciate what you have.
17. Learn from your mistakes.
18. Write down your successes.
19. Clear out physical and emotional clutter.
20. Move your body more.
21. Pursue a hobby.
22. Put your phone down and connect with the people you’re with.
23. Confide in trustworthy people.
24. Treat your mental health with the same importance as your physical health.
25. Slow down.
26. Ask for help when you need it.
27. You don’t have to do it all; Prioritize what matters most.

And remember, strive for  progress, not perfection. 

That's It?

I was talking to a friend of mine back in early March, and I had mentioned that since I started and now run the Omega Billiards Tour, that it kind of saved me: It gave me a sense of purpose.  Whereas the last 4 years I didn't really have a purpose or felt like I had one.  When I took care of my Mom the last 4 years of her life, I had MAJOR purpose.  After she passed, I didn't have any purpose anymore.

When you don't have a purpose in life, you walk aimlessly on earth.  You have no direction and therefore no spark of life, no desire to live, and no need to live. 

It wasn't something easy to share with him because it kind of exposed just what a deep and dark time I had been going through the last 4-5 years.

It's funny because when I said that I was pretty proud of myself (pumps fits on chest) because I really had come such a long way.

And after I told him proudly the Omega Tour gave me purpose, he looked at me and said, “that's it?”

It's really weird to be excited about something so important (esp such as this) and then someone kind of downplays it.

You see, I was barely surviving.  I didn’t even feel like living at times.  So to me, having a purpose again in life was a good thing.  Yet, in his eyes, “that's really all you're doing?  That's really all you're doing that's giving you purpose?"

Um, YES.  That was huge for me to be living again!  To FEEL like living again.   And running the Tour gave me that feeling after such a long time of being depressed and grieving.

After that exchange I got to thinking... he's right!  I should be doing more.  I should be helping more.  Being more productive; more helpful; being there for others; doing more for others; doing more for me.

So I thought of all these ideas of things that I've always wanted to do, things that were in the cobwebs of the back of my mind…. but didn't have the desire or commitment or even the energy to do them when I took my “hiatus from living.”  They were pushed back into the depths of my virtual “maybe to-do” list of things that maybe I thought I wanted to do.

I think that a lot of times we just go through life and don't think about what we want or what we want to do.

And I think that when we are grieving and extremely depressed (or clinically depressed), the last thing we feel like doing or have the energy to do is the things on our virtual, internal to-do-list.

And after taking 4-5 years from truly living, when you start to live again, you start to see things in a different light/way.

And while I'm still struggling to survive on some days still, I do want to give back to others and do more.

What are some of these things on my list?

Here's a short little list of things I’m been passionate about and recently started since "that's it?" :

• Giving pool lessons (already started) 
• Taking on a more active role in the Coalition of Quality of End of Life Care (I’m a board member)
• Donating more (already started)
• Being involved in the volunteer program at my work building (looking into it just this week)
• Get back into mediation (already started) 

Down the road:

• Public Speaking for End-of-Life-Care 
• Take some self-help classes

It’s crazy how a simple comment from someone can make such a profound effect on one’s life.

Toughest and Most Painful - Letting Others Know of a Death

I have been through a lot in my life.  Things I've shared in this blog, things I haven't yet had the heart or guts to share, but I can say of all the tough things I have been through, the most painful ones are when I had to notify a family member that a relative of theirs passed away.

After my Dad passed, I sat in the same kitchen I grew up learning how to cook in as a child, with my Mom by my side.  We held hands as I made the brutal calls to my Dad's brothers and sisters to tell them their brother, Thomas Bailey, had passed away that morning at the house unexpectedly.

My Dad, Thomas Bailey, and I

I can still recall how difficult those calls were to make, and how excruciating it was to hear their reactions on the other end of the phone.  Lots of crying out loud, shock, yelps, etc.  Tough giving such horrible news.

I was blessed that one of my Aunt's took over notifying some of the other family members for me.  She's been a life saver throughout my life.

The other extremely difficult and similar painful time, was when I had to tell my Mom that her sister had passed away.

It was seriously one of the most difficult things in my life to do.

My Mom had been in a nursing home for rehabilitation and her sister, who lived in another state, but who was her only living relative left (well, besides me), had passed away from a long battle of cancer just the very night before my Mom was going to finally be discharged.  She was all excited about coming home!  Yet I was in such turmoil.  Do I tell her her sister passed away the morning she was leaving the nursing home, wait til we got home, wait a few days?  

I was a MESS!  How do I tell her this??   What do I do and how do I do it?  All the while going through my own emotions of learning my Aunt had just passed.

I talked to a friend of mine who told me her one regret was not telling her kids right away about their Dads passing.  They were very angry with her for waiting.

I soaked in that advice and knew I couldn't delay the painful words too long.  I decided to tell her as soon as she got home.  No timing would be good anyway, right?

I was an emotional wreck.  It was possible my Mom would have a set back, amidst all my other worries of telling her the dreadful news about her sister.

As I get my Mom and all her things acquired from her room into the car, she says, "I tried to call Gail.  I left her a message, she didn't answer.  Can't wait to tell her I'm free!"

I'm just as white as a ghost trying not to talk.

I get her home and my Uncle calls me, "I just got a real long message from your Mom.  Guess you haven't told her yet."  I struggled speaking, "I will tell her in a minute - only answer if she calls your phone, not Gail's.  That will be the sign she knows."

My Uncle really needed to hear from my Mom.  So, it was two-fold:  needed to tell my Mom right away because she deserved to know and also because my Uncle needed to talk to someone who knew Aunt Gail well.  He was grieving deeply.

My Aunt Gail

My Mom got situated and literally it was about 15 minutes she was home..... and
I sat down at the edge of her bed and I said, "Mom, I have to tell you something."  She could see the seriousness in my face and hear it in my voice.  She immediately guesses with shock and in tears, crying at me, "Are you taking me back?!?!  You don't want me!?"

"No, Mom......"  and then I shared the horrible news.

Again, it was one of the most painful things I've ever been through.  Hearing the news is one thing, but having to tell loved ones is on a whole 'nother level.

My Mom yelp and cried and moaned out loud in shock.  "I just called her!"

"I know, Mom.  Let's call Uncle Ray now - he needs you.  You need him."

How My Mother Saw Me

I didn't really understand the depth of love my Mom had for me until after she passed away.  Because I do not have kids of my own, I guessing that is the main reason I didn't really truly understand the extremely deep love a parent has for their child?

I think we see what is right in front of us:  that we are the child of a parent; and that we have a parent.  We don't really see the emotions connected to that.  We see our parents for who they are, our mother or our father.  As we walk through our daily paths of life, we don't really think about how much they love us.  Instead, we run errands or do the dishes - physical things on this earth.

Even if they tried to explain the true deepness of love they have for us, we really wouldn't completely comprehend it.  Yes, we love them beyond words, but in reality, their love for us is a thousand times more.

I'm not exactly sure if I can pinpoint the moment I realized just how important I was to my Mom.  All I know is I realized it too late - after she passed away.  I don't know if it's because the loss I felt for her was so paralyzing and I realized that was because how much I loved her.  But for some reason it hit me after she passed how much she really, truly, and deeply cared for me and loved me.

Honestly, a connection like none other.

As a caretaker of my Mom, I would come home from work and take care of things I needed to do to take care of my Mom.  I wish I would have known how much she loved me and how much she cared for me.  I'm not saying she didn't say it, what I am saying is I didn't understand it.

But I wish I would have known.  I wish I would have felt what I feel now or what I know now, so instead of coming home and being tired with "things to do," I would come rushing in through the door and give her a HUGE, tight hug every single day I came home.  To show acknowledgment of our love for each other.  I was the most important person in her life; and vice versa.  Yet, as I knew that back then, still didn't completely resonate.

I think we just go through the motions of our day and not really understand the depth of the connections of the people around us.  And it's really true that we don't understand that until they're gone.

"When we truly love, it is never lost.  It is only after death that the depth of the bond is truly felt, and our loved one
becomes more a part of us than was possible in life."

Desire to Write Changes with Time

When I was in high school and college, I actually wrote a little poetry.  I noticed back then that when I was unhappy or depressed, I wrote my best pieces.  And I felt like writing. 

I'd have to go searching in the cobwebs of old papers to see if I could even find any of those poems or my writings.  They weren't very extravagant or anything, but it'd be cool to maybe find a couple and see what I said back then or what was on my mind. 

What I've noticed as I've gotten older, especially now that I blog a lot, is I can't write when I'm depressed.  If I'm in a great or happy mood, I feel like writing and writing, and going and going.  But when I'm depressed or unhappy, the last thing I feel like doing is writing.  Those are the days I might just post a photo or a image/quote and not add too many words in my blogs because one of the last things I want to do is write during sad times. 

Weird how when I was younger depression gave me inspiration.  But now, depression kind of paralyzes is me. 

Music Through the Ages

I wonder why when I hear a song from the 80s and 90s, I can imagine where I was in my life, but not who I was with.  But in my 30s and 40s, certain songs bring up memories / feelings of the boyfriend I was with at the time.

In my teens and 20s, I can recall if I was in college, high school, living in Florida, or certain cities in Texas, etc.  But when the songs are played on the radio, I don't think of boyfriends from back then.

But in my 30s and 40s, when I hear certain songs, I don't think of where I was in my life, but who had my heart.

I wonder why I can't recall that from the teens and 20s?

Was it because back then I wasn't as close to my boyfriends?  Or because we didn't have a song that resonated with our "romance"?  Or because as we get older relationships mean more and therefore as a normal consequence so do certain songs we associate with our boyfriend/girlfriend at the time?

Or, when we are young we don't hear the words in songs?  lol

Maybe our emotional connections change with time. I can say that it seems like relationships in my 30s and 40s were def more intense feeling-wise with certain guys and more meaningful.  I had a boyfriend for 5 1/2 years in my late 20s, but I can't recall one song from back then that would remind me of him, like certain songs in the last 10-15 years can about other guys.

Further, I was with one of my ex's for 7 years in my 30s, only one song (when I hear it) reminds me of him, and that song was only from the beginning our relationship.

That leads me to wonder - do long-lasting relationships over years and years, do they have more than one song that when it's played they think of their loved one?  Or is it only in the beginning stages of relationships does our brain pin songs to?

Weird.

Young at Heart

The other day a friend of mine and I were talking about how no matter what age we are or how old we get, we have the same feelings that we had when we were in our 20s, 30s, or sometimes even our teens.

And this is either with friendships or romantic relationships, or our attachment to things (work issue, pets, etc).  Any type of emotional connection that touches our heart.

I was sharing with her how it was surprising that no matter how many years go by, even decades even, that I still have the same thoughts and emotions that I did when I was in my 20s, especially when it comes to relationships. You would think that as we mature and age that we wouldn't have these crazy insecure female-type thoughts anymore, but in reality we still do.  I'm kind of like a twenty-year-old in a 40 year old body, lol.  My body has aged, but my feelings and emotions remain the same.

The same thing can be said for when we start a new relationship or when one ends.  No matter what age we are at the beginning of a relationship, it's always wonderful and amazing, and the end of it always hurts and is painful.  It doesn't matter how old you are or how young you are - your emotions and connections remains just as intense.

A friend of mine in his mid 60s recently met a new girl and he said he felt like they were teenagers starting out on this new venture in their lives together!  He was so giddy and happy.  After only a few weeks, it had dissolved, though.  He was so heartbroken, he could barely function after the heartache of them breaking up. 

Another of my friends in her mid 50s recently went through a break up and she was very hurt as well after she got rejected.

The good thing though, is how we react to situations gets better as we age and mature.  THAT is cool, for sure.  It's nice to be able to react so much more adult-like to situations, than like a spoiled, 25-year old nagging, hurt, insecure girlfriend (or boyfriend).

My friend in her 50s handle the rejection with poise and I dare say, "honor."  While she was hurting on the inside, she handled it much better than her 25-year-old self would have 30 years ago she confided.

So while in my 20s and 30s I might have reacted like a crappy girlfriend to guys back then because I let my emotions take over, I recognize now and enjoy that I'm more patient and so much more understanding.  Sure, I still have crazy, stupid thoughts, but I just try not to expose them now and instead keep them internal, where when I was younger I would spew them outward. I see things and consciously handle things outward in a much better way than when I was immature and naive.  Thank goodness, too!  Not just for my friends and my boyfriends, but also for MYSELF. 
 

  

She Lived a Great Life

For the longest time I swapped sad stories about my Mom and her passing.  If I shared she passed, the convo wasn't an up-beat discussion but me sharing my depression and grief.  I wrote about this before, I know, but I wanted to share a little gem that relates to that.

I was sitting at a poker table one fine afternoon and because it was a new table, several of the players knew each other because they signed up at the same time.  Turns out it was a mother, daughter, son, and family friend.

As we all sat for a while, eventually convo starts up and the mother shares that her Mom had just recently passed away a few months ago.  I replied with my, "I am so sorry" in a certain tone that only those who have lost someone recognize it's the tone of understanding and "I've been through that too,"

Her response completely took me off guard.  After only a few months, she was still kinda in a good frame of mind and mood, and she didn't seem distraught like I was, and it had been 3 years for me since my Mom passed!

She whisked me right under her leadership wing with her words and shared, "oh, Honey, she lived a great life," not skipping a beat to let me know all was okay and that her passing wasn't an impediment in her life.

Turns out she passed away in her 90s and had a big family and didn't pass away from trauma.

I reflect on that moment, even to this day, and that was over a year ago she shared those kind, inspiring words about her Mom.  Why can't I speak like that?

I do admit that my grief has lifted and I can now talk about my Mom with a gleam in my eyes (instead of tears and frowns), but if I could have done that during the 3-4 years after her passing, maybe that would have helped me heal faster....?

The Love For Socks

I've been a giver my whole life.  Not sure who that came from in my family, but it's who I am - I buy gifts for people all the time.

So imagine how excited I was a few years ago when a friend shared that she keeps packages of socks in her car for when she sees the homeless.

I admit, before her suggestion, when I saw a homeless person I imagined them standing at a street corner, holding a cardboard sign and wanting money for booze.  But, she made an excellent point that they prolly have tired feet, old socks, and prolly don't wash them very often.  Further, in the winter they can be used as gloves to warm their hands.

So, I started to carry packages of socks in my car.

I have given out packages many, many numerous times and I really do stock them up in my car.  And just this past winter, I had a couple of friends witness the "sock exchange."

It was kinda of ironic, but I had two friends get in my car at different times, and they each asked me, "why do you have socks in your car?" as they climbed into my car and tried to make room in between the socks   I explained to both Dana and Karen that I give them to the homeless.

On the EXACT same day they each asked me about the socks, we saw a homeless person and they were able to witness the pure joy from the person receiving the gift.

Dana and I saw a guy standing at a corner with his sign within prolly only 10 minutes of her asking me about the socks.  I rolled down my window, asked her to grab the package, and then I held the socks out my window for him.  As soon as he saw what we were giving him, he literally started to DANCE towards the car!

If I had to describe the dance, it would be like this:

Dana and I were both moved beyond words for the rest of the weekend.  He was so overjoyed and kept telling us "thank you, thank you" and "God Bless You."  It truly made his day :)

A month or so later, my friend Karen asked me the same thing about the socks and that very day, we stopped by Walgreens that night and there was a guy outside asking for money.  As we got back in my car, I pulled up over to him and we rolled down our window and handed him a package of socks.  He was also VERY grateful.  He must have said "God Bless You!" a 100 times!  He was SO excited.

To give socks away is a small little gift we can do for others.  But I admit, I think the effect it had on being witnessed by Dana and Karen will be with my friends forever.  The gratitude from these two guys from /just/ SOCKS was truly a sight to witness.

A month later I saw a guy with a small sign at a very remote intersection, where I had never seen anyone before.  Seemed very out of the way for a homeless guy.  I passed him up, and then turned around to hand him the socks.  He could barely walk.  His legs were barely working and his shoes were tore up.  It broke my heart to see him hobble, but his eyes lit up with such happiness with the small gift that we take for granted.  He was also very grateful and couldn't say thank you enough!

I now look for opportunities to hand over this previous gift.  And because they have been so receptive and grateful of the socks, I view them as not just panhandlers, but people who need help with even little things.

Questions That Could Change Your Life

Saw this list of questions, where it says the inspiring questions below could change your life.   "Who said that there had to be an absolute answer for each and every question? Sometimes the ability to ask yourself questions’ an act to challenge yourself and help you to be a better person. Try the following questions that may change your life."

Thought it'd be cool to answer them.

Would be interesting to have answered them when I was deeply grieving the couple of years after my Mom passed.  However, I know from experience that even through depression, I am still grateful if I open my eyes through the tears.  I'd like to see what my answers would be every 5 years.

1. Are you doing what you truly want to do?  Yes, 100%.  I am blessed that I love my job and also get to enjoy life on my terms.
2. Do you have a dream to follow?  I'm already living it - running a big tour and loving my career.
3. Are you proud of what you’re doing or what you’ve done?  Yes.  Absolutely. 
4. How many promises have you made and how many of them have you fulfilled?  I only use the word "promise" if I can fulfill it.  Otherwise, I just don't say it.  So, yes I have fulfilled all.
5. What’s the one thing you really want to do but have never done so, and why?  Not sure there is something I've never done before that I wanted to.  Do more outdoor things is all I really wish I would do more.  Why not more? - Time (and excuses).
6. Have you ever failed anyone who you loved or loved you?   My Mom always wanted me to get my Masters degree.  She prolly thought I failed her for not doing that.
7. Will you take a shot if the chance of failure and success is 50-50?  Yes.
8. If you could travel to the past in a time machine, what advice would you give to the 6-year-old you?  At 6 I may not remember what I would tell myself.  I guess it would be to not worry so much about things you can't control like you will do a lot in your life.
9. Will you break the rules because of something/someone you care about?  Yes.
10. Have you ever abandoned a creative idea that you believed because others thought you were a fool?  Nope
11. What would you prefer? Stable but boring works or interesting works with lots of workload?  The latter.
12. Are you afraid of making mistakes even though there’s no punishments at all?  No.
13. If you would clone yourself, which of your characteristics you wouldn’t want to be cloned?  Lack of willpower.
14. What’s the difference between you and most of the other people?  Well, this is the toughest question so far.  I think I have a beautiful heart.  I think others are more forgiving, tho.  I love growing and maturing.  The honest difference is I live my life as I wish and I know others don't get to do that. 
15. Are you making some influences on the world or constantly being influenced by the world?  Making influences.
16. The thing you cried for last time, does it matter to you now or will it matter to you 5 years later?  Wont matter at all.
17. Is there anything you can’t let go of but you know you should?  How fast is seems like I'm aging.
18. Do you remember anyone you hated 10 years ago? Does it matter now?  'Hate' is another word I don't usually use.  So, I don't think so.  Guess it doesn't matter now if I did. 
19. Which makes you happier, to forgive someone or to hate someone forever?  Happier?  Hmm... I don't hate anyone, but it's tough for me to forgive. 
20. What are you worrying about and what’s the difference if you stop worrying about it?  My weight.  I'd prolly be happier not worrying about it.
21. If you’d die now, would you have any regrets?  NONE.
22. Which one would you prefer, having a luxurious trip alone or having a picnic with people you love?  The latter.
23. Who do you admire and why?  People that live life to the fullest.
24. Is there anyone who inspired you and made you who you are today?  June Hager Walter.
25. What’s the thing you’re most satisfied with?  That I use my tough learning experiences to help others.
26. When was the last time you laughed and what did you laugh at?  My dog Lily being way too smart for herself.
27. Are you doing anything which makes you and people around you happy?  I surprise people with gifts.  If they share on FB they want something, and I happen to see that, then I surprise them by buying it for them.  Sometimes it's for people I barely know.
28. Is there anyone who you love or loves you?  Yes, a few dear friends. 
29. When was the last time you really talked with your parents/family?  A week before my Dad passed, a week before my Mom passed.
30. If happiness is a currency, how rich do you think you are?  Abundant!
31. If today’d be the end of the world, what’d you do?  I first typed out that I would make a few very important phone calls.  But, honestly, I would want my last words to be to the people I care about most, and to let them know why they mean so much to me. 

Guess I'm doing well.  :)

What about you?

Only Child - The Back Story

I do kind of profess a lot that I am an only child.   I say it all the time, especially when I'm trying to explain why I might be more selfish than most people or try to explain why maybe I seek accolades.  It's part of the only-child-syndrome.

But I'm actually not technically an only child.

I came home from college one weekend when I was about 20 or 21, and my Mom had been drinking and she was kind of arguing with my Step Dad about telling me something important and that "she needs to know!"

I vividly recall her saying something to him like, "well she has to know in case he shows up at the door some day."

Course I don't know who she's talking about and I had no clue the words that were about to be uttered from her mouth into my brain.

What I found out on this sunny afternoon was that I actually have a half brother.  I have brother somewhere who's probably anywhere from 2 to 6 years older and that he was given up when my Mom was in her late teens.

Because I was 20 or so when I heard this, I was very excited!  Oh My God I have a brother!  I was an only child for so long it was really cool the idea that I would have a brother! 

Reflecting back, I can definitely say that if I was in my younger teens or a child, I probably would not have been very excited to hear I had a brother.  The reason I say that is because when you are an only child, you the most important being in the household (well, we think we are lol) and you get all the attention, you get all the gifts, everything revolves around, and you don't have to share anything. So I'm pretty sure that I would have felt extreme jealously and hurt and would have been scared to hear that I had a half-brother if I had learned of him 5-10 years younger.

But when you're older, you're pretty excited about it.

However, I've never met my brother and I don't know his name, I don't know who adopted him, if he's still alive, knows he has a sister, etc.  I don't know anything about him.

I asked my Mom if she ever wanted to find him and her exact words to me were very painful and she said, "I'm too ashamed as a person to even try to find him."

She wasn't very happy about her life and she didn't want him to see her for who she was or turned out to be.

He was given up in the '60s when back then obviously you weren't supposed to have a child if you weren't married.  She "visited" her sister on an Air Force Base in Crete, Greece one summer to have the child so no other family members or friends would find out the family's "terrible secret."  A Military couple adopted him right after he was born. 

After seeing some things on TV stories and stuff I just hope he realizes he was given up because she wasn't married, not because she didn't love him.  My Mom didn't have a choice with her options - back then you didn't have a child out of wedlock. 

And then she ended up having an amazing, beautiful, loving, daughter... just kidding.  She did have a great daughter and her and I had this AMAAAAAZING bond. 

I hardly ever brought up my brother to my Mom.  I think maybe we talked about him literally twice.  It was just something we didn't talk about again, especially after she told me she was too ashamed to look for him.

And now that my Mom is passed, I could look him up.  I tried to find out the year she was in Crete (that's when she met my Dad), but didn't find the info.  But, I think it's best that I keep her wish even in her death.

Curious Beast

I'm one of those people who is always curious.  If you look up the Myers-Briggs personality trait chart thingy, one of the traits of my personality is that I'm always nosy or curious.  I ask a ton questions because I'm a curious beast.

However, because I'm strongly curious, when someone is evasive yet trying to share something with me, I usually ask for even more details lol.  Not because I share anyone's business, just because I'm curious.  I've been this way my whole entire life.

Some people really don't like it, but it's who I am. 

I'm actually one of those people that can keep a secret and never tell anyone else about their demons or secrets or sacred thoughts or activities going on in their lives.  I pride myself on the fact I am a trustworthy friend.  But, that doesn't mean I'm not nosy lol.  I am simply, well, curious about things.  Well, every thing.

However, I remember distinctly about six or seven years ago a co-worker who was who was on the verge of retiring shared with me that sometimes it makes the other person feel uncomfortable to ask nosy questions.  It can be seen as a sign of disrespect, she was trying to explain.  You would think after hearing her words that it would help me or lean me towards not asking as many questions.  But, alas, I'm still a curious person.  Since it's part of my personality, I'm not going to beat myself up over the fact that I'm a curious person and it's just who I am.

I'm /such/ a curious person that it actually always baffles me when others aren't lol.  But, that is THEIR personality trait - to not be curious.

But when I share something with someone and then they don't ask me any details, I wonder why they don't want to know more.  Let's say I hint that I'm seeing someone.  And my friend I'm confiding in doesn't ask me who.  I walk away thinking, how could they not ask who?  Or, if someone shares something at work about a co-worker, and another person isn't even curious which co-worker they are talking about, I don't understand.  "Why didn't you ask who it was?" I'll ask intrigued and down right frustrated we now don't know who it was who got in trouble (as example).  But, it's just not in their personality to be curious or care for those details.

These are just the facts of different personalities, based on the Myers-Briggs studies and others.  So, I hope others don't get upset I might ask a lot of question or seem overly curious - just who I am.  And, I am aware that being curious helps me learn and be a better person, friend, coworker because I learn so much from others.

I actually deeply feel that Myers-Briggs should be taught in middle school and high school.  I didn't know anything about Myers-Briggs until a leadership class 10 years into my career.

I think that studying Myers-Briggs would be very helpful to a lot of families. Teenagers and parents would understand each other, friends would understand friends better, coworkers would understand co-workers better, etc.  It helps so much in all aspects of all relationships.

Mother's Day Selfishness

Really disappointed in myself already this week.

I stayed in town this past weekend for Mother's Day instead of fleeing the state like I normally do.  It was the FIRST weekend I stayed in town at home since my dear, lovely Mom has passed 4 1/2 years ago.

And it was BRUTAL.

I did survive (whew!), but I sure wish I was anywhere else but in town near the house I shared with my Mom during Mother's Day weekend.

But, I'm disappointed because I became a hermit.

I even deactivated Facebook for the first time in my life last weekend.  I seriously could not handle all the posts about Mom's.  It was too much for my heart.

I got a few texts, which was nice, but I didn't respond to any of them until Monday morning.  One friend, she asked me where I was and why I didn't respond, I replied, "I wasn't talking to anyone until this morning."

But, I'm more so very disappointed in myself because I wasn't there for my friends who were having a tough time on Mother's Day, too.
 
I pride myself in using the trials and tribulations in my life to help others.  And that did not happen this past weekend.  Instead of reaching out to others who were in pain, I was selfish.  And I hate that in me.  I hate that's who I was this past weekend.  But, I embarrassingly admit I was barely surviving.

A few friends who have lost their Moms last year, it was their first Mother's Day without their Mom.  Instead of sending them thoughtful, understanding, loving notes on their Facebook posts, I was nowhere to be found.  I wasn't there for them. 

And, while I made it through the weekend, the hermit in me still lingering (dang it).  A couple of friends wanted to talk last night, and I just couldn't yet get up enough energy or fight to even talk yet or try to be there for someone else right now.  I feel SO badly about it.  But, I am still depressed trying to get out of the fog from the sad feelings from the tough weekend.  And when I am depressed, I just don't want to talk to anyone.  I only care to hear from and respond to the one person that can make me smile, otherwise, I just turn into a hermit and recluse, and hide from the world. 

I miss my Mom more than anything.  I know that means that I have deep love for her, but it's almost unfathomable how much her death still affects me and paralyzes me at times.

I keep hearing how others can relate.  Can you?  To have no family left, no roommate, no siblings, no no one, can you really relate to that?  Tired of people comparing their life to mine and saying they understand when unless you are standing in my worn-out shoes of life, please.just.don't.

Anyway, hoping the fog of depression lifts soon.  It's felt SOOO nice to smile and actually be happy this year, and I hope for it's triumphant return any day now!  And, then, I can go back to being there and helping others.

Don't Recline That Airline Seat...

I'm the type of person who never reclines their seat back on an airplane.

I think it's rude to actually push that little round button on the side of my arm rest and then lean back into the back of my seat and make it go back further into the space of the person behind me.

I already feel that there's so little room around a plane seat that it's not even fathomable for me to do that.  No matter how uncomfortable I might be in that cramped seat, I refuse to ever lean my seat back.  I just don't want the stranger behind me to feel even more uncomfortable.

So, because I am a typical human who disillusion-ally thinks everyone should have the same expectations, I do tend to get agitated with the person in front of me who adjusts their seat back right at me.

Every once in awhile they will turn around and look behind them to see if someone is "back there."  But we all know they saw us as they took their seat.  Or, they know from the announcements that the flight is full already.  Yet, they still turn around like an apology turnaround of, "hey I'm sorry I just put my seat back."

Did you notice that?  They don't do it BEFORE they push the button, they do it afterwards.  But, most don't turn around at all. 

And of course I always enjoy the ones who slam their seats back, instead of gently.  At least gently I can prepare for the smaller space that's about to encroach on me.  I usually have one of my legs crossed so when their back seat leans into me, it causes me to jump stealth-like and move my knees before they get squished.  Or, I grab my tablet just in the nick of time as it tries to get knocked off the small plastic table above my knees.

I know they are just trying to get comfortable in the small seats, but although this may sound rude, I kinda wish none of the seats were reclinable.  What a joy for all that would be.  :)

Oh! And seems in my row, the two people next to me always have people in front of them who don't recline their seat.  But my airline mate in front of me - every time has to adjust backwards into my lap.

Fun times!

But, at least the person behind me wont feel confined to a smaller space as I sit upright for them.  I'm obliged to help!  Just simple consideration.  :)