Oh Fonda...

My Dad used to talk very ill towards Ms. Fonda.  Seems like he's not the only one who didn't like her antics and arm waving back about the Vietnam War:

Kentucky theater won't show 'Butler' because of Jane Fonda: 

http://movies.yahoo.com/news/ky-theater-wont-show-butler-because-fonda-172945734.html

"So your girlfriend rolls a Honda
Playing workout tapes by Fonda
But Fonda ain't got a motor in the back of her Honda"

Relationships Reminder

Sometimes we need this reminder, so that we enjoy our relationships!  :)

You're in a relationship to be happy, to smile, to laugh, to make memories. Not to constantly be upset, hurting, and crying.

 

 

Sad Songs, Wrong Time

One of the things that slapped me in the face after my Mom passed away was people wanted me to listen to slow, sad songs.

I have to tell you, the last thing I wanted to do was listen to a song that would make me cry.

I was already a complete mess, the last thing I wanted to do was hear songs that would make me bawl like a baby.

When my friends prepared my Mom's Celebration of Life at a local restaurant I frequented, I was walking around looking at all the things they had prepared.  It was beautiful, and the set up and planning was extremely moving to me.  I was impressed and I know my Mom would have been very grateful.

I also walked by the "karaoke" area (I was very familiar with the interface of the music) - and I noticed the songs that were already set up to be played next in line.  While I don't remember them all, I remember that the 5 songs were all super sappy songs, and I deleted them right away and instead went through the long list to choose "happier, fun" songs to be played in the background.

For instance, one song listed on the monitor I REALLY knew I didn't want to hear and it was "Winds Beneath my Wings" by Bette Midler.  Heck, this song makes me cry every time I heard it when I wasn't grieving, so to hear it this day would have prolly killed me.  I deleted it immediately. 

A few friends recommended I listen to some songs in the months after my Mom's passing and I never listened to them.  I don't WANT to hear songs that make me cry; I cry enough on my own.  It's already so brutal, and hearing sad songs makes it worse quite frankly.

I don't know if everyone who loses someone close feels this way, but I learned the hard way I can't handle sappy songs that remind me about losing my Mom.

Granted, even the songs my Mom loved make me cry.  She loved Amy Whinehouse, so I can't hear any of those songs.  There is one song that makes me SMILE from ear to ear, and that's "Just Fine" by Mary J. Blige.  I can remember my Mom dancing by herself so gleefully with happiness when that song came on - she loved that song and it just made her want to dance!

But please don't make me listen to sad songs. 

Extremely Touching Words from Dustin Hoffman

I see things all the time on Pinterest and Facebook.

Click.  Read.

or

Click.  View.

Then you go back to perusing FB or then you go on to other things in your life.

This time, it was different.

Click.  View.  React.  Can't believe what I'm hearing.  Can't wait to share.  Very moving.

Here is the intro from Upworthy.com:

Dustin Hoffman Breaks Down Crying Explaining Something That Every Woman Sadly Already Experienced

Back in the day, for those of you younger folk, Dustin Hoffman made a movie called "Tootsie." It was a hilarious and touching movie about an actor who can't get a gig, decides to become a woman to see if it helps, and scores a role on a soap opera. Hilarity ensued. But it was more than just a comedy. Here's why.

Grief Effects

When you lose someone close to you, it affects you in many ways.  I have recently found that there are 4 common themes that affect people after the first year of the loss of someone close to you, that many people go through.

Everyone is different.  But these seem to be common among my friends and I:

1.  Friendship is tested.  I think it's a distraction from the pain and suffering.  Others think it's God's way of letting you know who really is and isn't a friend to you.  You will lose friends after you lose a loved one.  I almost can't explain it; but it happens.

2.  We make big, altering decisions in our life.  Decisions maybe we only "considered" before; but didn't have the heart to do it (for whatever reason).  We don't make these decisions because we think life is short after you just lost a loved one; it's because you see you don't have to be unhappy in this short life.  Death is tough; ending a marriage is easier to do after that (for example). It gives you strength.

3.  Your personality changes while you grieve; you aren't the same person.  You lose friends; you lose touch at work; your relationships suffer.  You simply aren't yourself.  Eventually, you'll get back to being yourself, but it does take time if the loved one you lost meant the world to you.  If you were happy-go-lucky, you might be distant for a while.  If you were a loner, you might go out more.  If you were bubbly, you will find you need some alone time.  And that's okay!  Eventually, your "previous" personality will come back.  Just don't be surprised when people ask, "where is the old you?"

4. Your work is affected.  Most of us who are grieving WANT to come to work to get away from being home alone.  But, our work suffers.  We are distant, don't smile, don't engage with others, become hermits at work.  It affects your performance.  You get things done still, but it's not with the same enthusiasm you had before.

Like I said, everyone is different.  But I have noticed after talking with friends who have lost someone close to them, that the 4 above "themes" are very common.

Give yourself some time.

Grief is only temporary, but can last years at different levels.  Don't be surprised about that, either.  You will survive and you will return a stronger person!

Former Friends

Social media allows us to see things and feel things we may not have had to deal with 20 years ago.

I have felt real bad about a few recent things from former friends.  Mostly because I see their posts on FB about their friendships and it makes me sad I'm not a friend to them anymore.

The overwhelming feeling of disappointment and the daggers in my heart can sometimes last hours, or, if I think about it too much, for several days.

In the past, if you didn't speak to someone anymore (for whatever reason), you may not even see them to have those painful feelings of "what happened."

But nowadays, it's easy to remain connected virtually.

But, it hit me the other day that the way I feel, some of my former friends might feel, also.

Why?

Because I'm doing the same thing (unknowingly) probably to other people who I used to be good friends with.

If someone doesn't want me in their life, then it's their loss and they don't know me anymore. 

Just as I don't really want to be friends with former friends who lied or took up too much energy or who only want to be friends on their terms, I'm sure when they see me on FB talking about friends or being close to others, that it upsets them as well.  Just as when I see on FB "friends" who no longer want to talk to me or have anything to do with me, yet be friendly with others, hurts me and confuses me.

I wonder, what did I do that was so bad?

But when I think about how I prefer others not in my life anymore either, then I can kinda relate.  Then I should not be hurt anymore.  When I think of that side of things, I don't feel hurt; I feel understanding.  Not understanding for why they don't speak to me, but understanding that it's okay they don't want to be friends.  Acceptance?

Acceptance.

Reason, Season, Lifetime is fair game from both sides.

I don't really believe in karma, but I feel karma is biting me in the ass.  And, this is what I deserve.  And, quite honestly, I'm okay with that.

I was told about a year ago someone wasn't speaking to me because they "don't approve of my life."  All I can think of is I'm certainly not perfect, but if taking care of my dear Mom for 5 years is being a bad person/daughter then think what you will.

Now, I know that's not why they don't like me and that can't be why they aren't speaking to me, but when I heard I was a bad person, I wondered how can I be that bad of a person for taking care of my Mom?

(for the record, I have NO idea why this person "doesn't approve of my life")

And what's even more weird about this karma thing is, I learned from my Mom and Dad not to speak to people when I'm upset with them.  That is SO WRONG.  But it is what I was taught how to handle difficult situations.  And what I did for 40 years.  Well, even now there are people I wont speak to.  And yet people are treating me the same way.

Is that the karma thing again?

Or, have we ALL been taught through our parents that that is the way to handle things?

I can sit back and keep being hurt, but let's face it, I have done it to others.  I am not a horrible person but have made bad decisions in my life.  If people judge me for being human, then so be it.

I have judged others and not talked to them either; it's fair game.

I must remember that when people no longer want to be friends with me or judge me or don't speak to me anymore, that it's okay.

I need to not take it personal; Everyone has their own opinion.

I was told a LONG time ago that not everyone is going to like you.  I truly believe that and I'm okay with that.

It's when people who used to be friends with me who no longer want to speak to me that confuses me.

But, if I see that I chose that same fate for some of my friends in the past, then I understand it's not personal, it's just a choice.

It reminds me of that phrase from a few years ago "He's just not that into you."  It relates to relationships, but I think it also resonates with friendships.

And that's okay!

And guess what?  It's okay to be me.  And it's okay if you don't like me.  What is most important is that I like myself.

I have friends now who treat me so much better and I cherish my new friendships more than words can say anyway.

I also read one time, "would you be friends with yourself?"  You're damn right I would be!  

Age Really is a Number

Age really is a number.

But you don't realize this til you get older.

When I was in teens, my Dad's brother passed away of a heart attack at age 29.  I heard over and over how young he was.  In my teens I'm thinking, "that's not young, that's kinda old."

Typing that out makes me laugh reflecting back on my naivety!

When I turned 29, that's when it really hit me how young Robert Bailey really was.  Wow.  :(

In my mid 20s, people who were barely 21 could not BELIEVE I was as old as I was.  25.

When I was 32, I met a woman who was going through a lot in her life and she was 42 years old.  And I was thinking as I looked at her, "Gosh that's old.  I can't believe how old she is."

As I am now 43, I realize obviously that 42 is NOT old. 

I wonder how I will feel when I get to 50?  Or 55 or 60?

Right now, when I think back to the 1990s, it doesn't hit me how long ago that was.  I was in college and just starting my career in 1992.

But for some reason, to realize that 2004 was just only NINE years ago?  Holy Cow!  Really??

The few months before I turned 40, I was freaking out.  OMG.  FORTY. 

A few months after 40.  Eh, 40 is nothing.

As I look toward 45, when will it hit me how old I really am?

I still dress the same as my 30s (young).  When do I start dressing my real age?  When I'm old?  LMAO.

I remember visiting my Grandma Duncan and she was in her 70s or 80s and so were her friends.  Even at that age, they still cared about their looks.  I heard once before that no matter what age, women still care about their looks.  They will still buy creams for their now-deep wrinkles, still go to the salon for their hair color, and still wear make up.  Will there be one day I don't care about drawing my lips on?

My Mom was in a nursing home for only about 4 months (thank God) for rehabilitation.  She would be wheeled down to the "exercise" room and do her arm and leg movements along with the other ladies.  To me, everyone in the room was old.  To her, only the other people in the room were old. 

I just shook my head in agreement, not wanting to point out she looked like every one of them in the room.

However, my Mom was lucky and didn't look her age in the face.  Her wrinkles were hardly there (lucky beotch) but she let her hair go grey and her body was that of an 80 year old.  But, what mattered most to her was her face, and she did NOT look in her mid 60s.

Again, no matter what age a woman is, she will always care what she looks like and do her same routine (or new ones) to make herself look good.  As proof, my Mom would wear her wig to the Emergency Room, not realizing everyone could tell it was a wig.  ;)

A few of my very good friends are in the 60s.  Being in the social media age, everyone takes pics.  But they don't like pics of themselves and shy away from it.  I can envision that of myself.

What really struck me was each of them in some form or fashion has mentioned that they catch themselves in a pic or in the mirror and wonder, "Who is that?"

"Wait, when did I start to look this old."

I wonder when that moment will hit me.  50?  55?

Age really is just a number, but it's easier said than done.

I recall very distinctly when I was just about to turn 30, talking to a coworker who was going through some things.

He told me one of his fears was not accomplishing certain things by the time he was 40.  He turned 40, and everything he wanted to accomplish he had done.  And yet, he was still having "trouble" turning 40.  He had to go see a therapist for it.  He was confused.

That confused me to hear that.

As I think ahead, I am eligible to retire at 57.  I recall a coworker who retired 7 years ago saying, "it will pass by in a flash - you wont believe it."

Well, 57 is 15 whole years away.  That's a long time.  Or is it?


Here is some interesting insights and honesty from Cybill Shepherd she shared with Oprah:

When 40 finally arrived, Cybill says she fled the country but couldn't escape her age. Turning 50 was even worse, she says. "Fifty was really very traumatic, especially the early 50s," she says. "I stopped looking at myself in the mirror because I could see that I was aging."


Turning 60, however, was a turning point. "You decide what's really important in your life," she says.

Now that she's older, Cybill says her definition of real beauty has changed. "If we don't work to develop that depth and [have] more fun too—and really laughing and crying as much as possible—learning to love ourselves as we age is one of the most challenging things we can do," she says. "Look at everything and find something you can love about your body."

And check out what Linda Evans shares with Oprah:

Linda says she finally learned the true meaning of beauty in her 50s. "In a way, you're forced to give up the game," she says. "Anything that is outside of you, you can't control. But you can control inside of you."

Still, Linda says she decided to have plastic surgery at 50 because she wanted to, not because she had to. "I was madly in love with a man 12 years younger than me [New Age musician Yanni]," she says. "I wanted to still look good because I was with him."

Linda says she doesn't regret her surgery. "I wanted to look a certain way so I could feel better about that 12-year difference," she says. "And it worked."

Surgery or not, Linda says every woman should strive to love what they see in the mirror. "The great thing about aging is you do get wiser and you do get more certain in yourself of what you are and what you want," she says. "Loving yourself doesn't mean having a massage or getting your hair done. It means truly knowing your values." 

I'm Still Here; And So Are you!

After my best friend passed away (my Mom), I lost myself.  I was no longer "Melinda" and I was just a body trying to walk around and get through the day.

I didn't smile for an entire year.

I didn't hardly talk in depth with anyone.

I stayed to myself and just grieved.

I didn't care about anything or anyone (especially not myself).

Therefore, it's no surprise that my "Melinda personality" didn't show during that 16 months of grieving. 

(That included at work, too.)

I told a friend recently that, "I had lost my personality while I grieved.  I wasn't myself at all."

I told him I was doing better now and trying to get back to the "old" Me, though. 

His response was, "Glad to see you are trying.  And, don't forget that some of us never stopped caring about you, even when you were without your personality."

Although it sounds kinda funny what he said, I more so looked through the funny side and saw what he really wrote:  People still cared about me, even though I wasn't myself.

This REALLY meant a lot.  While I saw myself as reclusive and sad, people still cared about me while I felt alone and didn't reach out; I just didn't see it.

I am glad to know that my seclusion from the outside world, and the distance I put between myself and EVERYONE didn't hurt my friendships.

I am really lucky.

Found an Old Book of My Mom's

Getting ready for the last garage sale of my life (hopefully).  Going over every inch of the house.

Found this book among my Mom's books.  Wish I could have shown her when she was alive, just to see her reaction!

This is super cool!

 

 This says, "Toni, From Grandma and Grandpa, Christmas 1950"

Wow, 1950!!

 Here is the book they gave her:

 

 

Of course, then I notice it's a library book!

Watch out for that 5 cent fee!  (you rebel, Mom!)

Still, pretty cool to see my GreatGrandma's handwriting and a special note to my Mom who was only seven (7) years old way back in 1950.

:)

What's the Difference When it Comes to Memory?

For those of us with older parents (or those of us getting older ourselves), memory lapses always make us wonder and worry if it's the onset of Alzheimers or not.  It's a very, very tough thing to see our parents with dementia.  But is it leading to Alzheimers?  Or is it just part of getting older?

BTW, my Mom was given some meds that helped her dementia/memory.  I highly recommend talking to your parents' doctors if memory/dementia is causing you both stress.  It really helped her memory, and it helped my concerns for her.

I used to get more stressed about her dementia than her physical ailments. :(  I can't even explain it, really.  I guess, with her advanced heart disease and advanced emphysema, she could at least be home by herself during the day when I worked.  With mental issues, I wouldn't have been able to leave her home alone while I worked (and a nursing home was not an option as she NEVER ever wanted to go to one). 
  
In the meantime, I hope this memory comparison is helpful:

 (CLICK PHOTO TO ENLARGE)

Friendship Thoughts of the Day

I need to remember who my real friends are; not the fake ones. I need to remember what one of my friends told me once about friendship and keep that close to my heart. I need to not be worried about the people who judge me unfairly (my so-called friends) or the people who treat me badly because they presume things. As my friend told me this weekend about herself, that resonates with me, "If they hate me, then they don't know me."

Tough times....

But, I have REAL friends who truly understand me, don't judge me, don't judge my actions or words, and who love me.

I want people around me who love me, and I love them.  Life is too short.

What?! Italian Court Convicts 7 For No Earthquake Warning

Defying assertions that earthquakes cannot be predicted, an Italian court convicted seven scientists and experts of manslaughter Monday for failing to adequately warn residents before a temblor struck central Italy in 2009 and killed more than 300 people.

Really!

:(

Read the story here:   http://news.yahoo.com/italian-court-convicts-7-no-quake-warning-153822654.html 

That is ridiculous.  We can't predict earthquakes!

Even the Seismological Society of America responded with this:

SSA Releases Statement on Conviction of Italian Seismologists

25 Oct 2012

The Seismological Society of America has released the following statement on the conviction and sentencing of six Italian scientists and one government official for manslaughter in connection with the tragic L’Aquila earthquake of 6 April 2009:

The seismological community is alarmed by the conviction and sentencing of six Italian scientists and one government official for manslaughter in connection with the tragic L’Aquila earthquake of 6 April 2009. We are concerned that this verdict may only serve to reduce life-saving communication about earthquake hazards in the future in Italy and in many other countries around the world. 

The occurrence of this disastrous earthquake illuminates both the high level of uncertainty in the science of short-term earthquake forecasting and the lack of a public policy framework in Italy and many other parts of the world for providing short-term guidance for coping with that uncertainty to the communities, populations, and infrastructure at risk. 

Rather than pursuing unprecedented legal action against members of the seismological community, SSA urges public officials and community leaders to work to improve the way earthquake risks are communicated to the public. We also urge continued proactive efforts to support earthquake science and engineering and to establish and implement local and national programs in earthquake preparedness and risk mitigation. The best approaches currently available for mitigating the effects of future earthquakes are education, awareness, and preparedness of public officials and the general public, coupled with sound construction practices and retrofitting of older structures. 

 

The Mayonnaise Jar and Two Cups of Coffee

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and two cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.  He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.  He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous “yes.” The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed!

“Now,” said the professor, as the laughter subsided, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

 The golf balls are the important things in life.  Your God, your family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions: things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else: the small stuff.”

“If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, your will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Hang out with your friends. Take time to go for a walk. Enjoy a meal with your family. Take care of the golf balls first; the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”

One of the students raised her hand and inquired about what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. “I’m glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.”

(or any fine drinks with friends, if you don't drink coffee like myself) 

 

Obstacles Have a Purpose

I read this the other day and it really resonated with me, so I wanted to share.  On the back page of Self Magazine.  I think it should have been moved up in the magazine, WAY up front.

"When you face adversity, rather than seeing the world as being against you, live as if it's conspiring to make you better.  Each obstacle has a purpose - this one to make you stronger, that one to make you more patient.  Thank them for teaching you to be creative and to persist, then keep positive until you can see your way not only through the barriers but to all the possibilities beyond."

Love Yourself

Nicki Minaj

OMG, I love this woman and her hair and her songs!  lol.  I think she is SO pretty and talented.

Here are the pics of her concert I went to back in August 2012:

Grand Prairie Verizon Theater, Nicki Minaj:

Oh, this isn't Nicki, this is me (lol) at her concert. ;)

Click to enlarge

Click to enlarge

3 Doors Down and Daughtery

My blog is for my memories, so I am going to post some pics of the concerts I have been to the last couple of years, so I can reflect on them later.

I must say that Brad Arnold, the lead singer, really, really impressed me of 3 Doors Down.

Most of the singers and concerts I have been to, they are SUPER appreciative we are there - the fans.  They don't take us for granted at all, and thank us for being there.  Even Lil' Wayne starts at the start of every concern that he thanks his fans and God.  EVERY TIME.

However, Brad Arnold of 3 Doors Down impressed me even more!

He thanked us after every song, "Thank you, my friends."  He said it so genuinely and so moving, EACH time!  He actually seemed shocked we were there.  It was so cute and SO touching!

He seemed surprised when he would tell the story that he can't believe where they are today (the band, successful).  He just can't believe it.  And he thanked us so emotionally after every song, it deeply affected me to be on the receiving end of his thankfulness.

Here are some pics of the concert:

Gran Prairie Verizon Theater, January 2013:

 

Great Quote!

If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present. – Lao Tzu.

New Year, Better Attitude

This past year has been very tough on me in regard to friendships and drama shit.  I was never around drama, and I prided myself on that.  Yet I somehow managed to find myself in the middle of it in 2012.  Mostly from people not knowing me well, or taking things out of context, or not understanding things properly, or assuming things.

I was hurt more this past year than any year of my life when it came to friendships.  I lost a few along the way, gained some amazing friends, too.

I am a firm believer in the reason, season, lifetime philosophy and I know that friendships do not last forever, and I am ok with that.  But to be constantly hurt I am NOT okay with.

It's been such a weird year for me.  Along the way of losing friends and being treated badly, I also gained a lot of wonderful, amazing, special friends!  I became friends with people I never really knew how special they were, and I have been truly blessed.  I have also been supportive to some friends who never really knew how caring I could be.  And in turn, we became better friends.  That comes directly from caring for my Mom; and loving my Mom.

I know deep in my heart what a wonderful person I am to my friends and loved ones.  I live with all my choices in life because I AM a good person.

The only person who is suppose to matter, who's opinion is suppose to matter, is my own. 

But, that was hard this past year.  Very difficult to think you are a good person when all I kept hearing was I was a bad person.   My heart and soul can only take so much and to have it all happen in ONE year was extremely difficult.  If it was spread out, I could prolly of handled it more, but it was one thing on top of another, just piled on.

However, instead of continuing to be hurt over "friends" and feeling like SHIT and feeling like I'm not a good person, when I know I am, I am going to instead this upcoming year look on the bright side of things when something hurtful happens.

Basically, I'm going to find a good fucking reason for someone talking behind my back about me, or making things up, or calling me a liar, or not speaking to me anymore, or lying about me, or not liking my life, or disrespecting me to my face, etc.

That will be my new motto for 2013. 

I despise new years resolutions, but I really need to do this for myself, so I can stop being in so much pain, stop feeling so bad about myself, and stop having such low self esteem.  I really have had a very terrible, sad, hurtful, miserable year.

And I really, really want it to be over already... ;(

I haven't had such low self esteem about myself in a long time.  I was told a lot this entire year by all sorts of different people through words or their actions or hearing third party, that they think I'm not a nice person, or I keep doing things that are wrong, or I'm not a team player, or I'm a bad person, or I am a liar, or people are lying about me, or people don't like my actions, or that I'm standoff-ish, or a bitch, or they are treating me with disrespect. 

I am a human being who really is a good person and I'm tired of letting others' incorrect assumptions defeat myself and my attitude.

If anyone is reading this, maybe you are thinking, "if so many of these unfortunate "friend" instances happened all year, maybe you aren't the good person that you think you are?"

Quite frankly, dammit, I KNOW I'm a good person and people's judgment of me should have no effect on my emotions, heart, or self esteem.

I deserve more for myself.

If you truly know me, get to know me, and don't judge me, you will see the beautiful human being that I can be; that I AM.

You are in control of your happiness.

Happiness is easy..we just have to decide to be.

All the happiness you ever find lies in you.

I'm tired of being kicked in the groin, and feeling so badly about what others have said, I cry myself to sleep.

I have honestly been shocked about the things I have heard over the past year what people said about me. 

But, in the end, it's my choice how to take words.

I can choose my response to actions and words.

I can decide who hurts me or not.

I have that control, and I need to utilize it to the fullest.

I just needed to realize all this so I can be mentally stronger about it all.

I was too hurt and still mourning the loss of my Mom to be strong in any area of my life.  I admit it - I was mentally weak.  And, these "friends" kicked me when I was down.

I want to be stronger.  I NEED to be stronger.  Because quite honestly, I really, REALLY can't take it anymore.

Verbal Abuse and College

It's very difficult for me to express how torn I am about my Dad.  I call him my Dad because he was in my life since 11, but he is my StepDad.  My Real Dad, I say "Real Dad," to distinguish. 

My Dad was a very difficult man to live with.  He verbally abused my Mom and I for 25 years.  You may think that's silly.  "If he was in your life starting at 11, then that means he verbally abused you into your mid 30s?" you are asking yourself.  "How can anyone verbally abuse an adult child that moved away?"

Easy.

Even though I moved out to go to college at 18 and then lived on my own after that, even though I wasn't physically around for him to verbally abuse me, he did it via long distance, on the phone; through that stupid, freaking phone.  Or when I visited them throughout the next 18 years.

My torture lies in the fact that my Dad was a very strong proponent of college.  He kinda forced me to get good grades.  I really had no choice.  He wouldn't allow it.  He was the strict one of the two for sure.

My Mom always felt bad when I said that it was my Dad that made me go to college.  I do accept that my Mom was a huge proponent of me going to college, also, and she paid for most of my loans and ensured I was taken care of.  But she didn't get on to me about my grades.  My Dad was the one who would kill me if I came home with bad grades.  I was literally too scared NOT to get good grades.

So here is my dilemma that I have struggled with.  The man that verbally abused me, made me go to college.  Because of that, I have a great paying job, a great house, a great car, a great life.  Because of him. 

Sure, I had some help along the way with my decisions, but I had to first live in a home knowing I had no choice about going to college.

But, it's the man who verbally abused me and really, honestly, made it very tough for my Mom and I.  For 25 years.

I would find out through counseling (that I had to start going to at age 35 because I could no longer handle his anger and rudeness) that he prolly had a few mental issues (like immature personality disorder for example) that had something to do with his extreme anger, weird paranoia, and negativism.

He would call me from San Antonio, when I lived in the Dallas area, and ask me where my Mom was.

What?  I have no idea.  I am 34 years old and live 5 hours away.   

"She's not at home from work yet.  It's already 7pm and she got off at 5pm.  She's prolly dead on the side of the road after being raped," he would say with such conviction like he truly believed it.

"What?  Uh, no I haven't heard from her. I'm sure she's ok.  Running an errand or something."

"Well, if she doesn't come home soon, I'm gonna have to call the police."

"Ok, well, let me know...." I begged, as he slammed the phone in my ear.

And later I would call and he would answer all fine, "Oh, I forgot she had to go to the grocery store."  Never once thinking to call and update me on her missing, bloodied body.

One time at Christmas, I was living away after college and I bought all these presents for him and my Mom.  He opened one of the boxes and it was these cool slippers I thought he would like.

He opens them, looks at the size, and then THROWS them across the room! "Those aren't my size," he'd yell all upset and angry and hurt, like a little kid.

There were times my Dad was the greatest.  When I bought my first car, my Mom went into the house jealous without saying a word to me; I was DEEPLY hurt.  My Dad, he came up to me, kissed me on the forehead and said "I'm so proud of you, kid."  He knew my unreliable truck needed to be replaced and he also knew the feeling of your first-ever-new-car.  He also knew, "I made it."  I had a good job; because I went to college.

He also used to write little notes all the time to my Mom.  Most were apology notes, but many were how much he loved her, with really sweet words.  And after I moved away, he would write me letters about his every day life at home after he was disabled from severe heart disease and diabetes (he would joke about the squirrels or talk about his fav dog/cat).  I even found a note after his passing, that he left for me that was very sweet, special, and surprising how he left it for me to find!

Please don't think his verbal abuse was a daily thing; as it wasn't.  But, it was often enough that my Mom and I had to be very careful how we worded things; and we were very nervous and scared a lot.  It got worse with his age and because he was in so much pain from his health issues.  I suppose he took it all out on us when he would get hurt, upset, enraged, or was in pain.  For 25 years we endured his Dr Jekyll and My Hyde personality.

But, he also hung up on me a lot.  As someone who didn't understand what was going on, it was pretty tough to get yelled at then the phone slammed down in your face.

I didn't know til his funeral that he did the same thing to his sisters.  I wish I would have known that before; it would have saved me a lot of pain to know he was like that to everyone, not just special 'ole me.  When I heard from my Aunt, "he used to do that to me, also" I started to bawl.  Like a baby.

He would also yell at waiters and waitresses a lot if his food order was wrong.  My Mom and I always got scared when we went out to eat with him because we never knew if he would blow up at some unfortunate soul for something he overreacted about.  We were embarrassed and ashamed a lot.

About 5 months before his death, he was so mean and terrifying to my Mom's nurses at the hospital, the Doctor told me they were close to calling security to remove him from the premises!  As I reflect back, of course now I see that my Dad was just frightened himself about my Mom's health and wanted the nurses to treat her better.  He didn't know how to handle his emotions except through anger and yelling.

It turns out I became a pro a yelling at people.  :(  I learned from the best!  I used to not be able to control it, but I am 1000 times better now.

However, if you see that side of me, it means I'm REALLY pissed.  I hope no one ever sees that side of me.  It's not pretty.

But, when all you see your entire childhood and into your 20s is verbal abuse, I admit I didn't know any better;  I didn't know I wasn't suppose to yell at people.  Eventually my Mom would have to yell back at him, when she had the balls.  His voice would rise like the loudest clap of thunder you ever heard.  With his mean stare, loud voice, ugly and mean words, we mostly cowered.  We hardly ever defended ourselves because we were so damn scared of him.

My neighbors would tell me later that they always thought they would need to call the cops, because they could hear him yelling at my Mom through the walls and feared the worst sometimes.

He used to keep me up all night a lot in my teens and just talk to me... ALL night long.... about what I needed to do and what I was doing wrong.  If I yawned, he would yell at me, "Am I boring you?!?!"  This is at 3am when he's been berating me for hours on end, usually on a school night.

One time I fainted in church the next day because he kept me up all night. 

I was SO thankful my Mom used to get up at 415am for work, because I could finally get away from him and run into my room when she would walk down the hall to ask him, "what is she still doing up?"

One Summer when I was in college, I was trying to take a nap in the middle of the afternoon at my boyfriends apartment.  He was messing with the radio in the living room and it kept me from sleeping.  I finally couldn't handle it anymore!  I flew out the bedroom door, stormed into the living room, and shouted at him, "I'M TRYING TO FUCKING SLEEP IN HERE!  TURN THAT DOWN!"

I stormed back into the room and jumped back in the bed, with a huge scowl on my forehead.  I was SO angry he was being so rude and inconsiderate!

He came in a few minutes later.  I figured he was going to apologize, but I was not ready to accept any apology from him!  I was too agitated and upset.

He sat down on the edge of the bed and said to me, almost in a whisper, and with very calm words, "All you had to do was ask."

And he left the room.

That was THE first time I learned you didn't have to yell at people to get them to do things.  That you SHOULDN'T yell at people.  Honestly.  First time I ever knew that.  :(

I was 22 years old.

I'm like any child - I did what my parents did and learned from example.  I acted just like them.  They would yell like that at each other ALL the time at the house.  I honestly knew no different.  My Dad would even wake up my Mom or I just to yell at us for something that had been festering in his mind for a couple of hours overnight.  It was brutal.

My Dad loved my Mom and I more than anything in this world.  I was the daughter he always wanted.  His wife, he considered his soul mate.  But, he had some issues that made him not understand his severe verbal abuse issues.

Since he has passed and I can think clearer, it's pretty obvious he had some mental issues.

I came home from college one time and put on the dining table about 10-20 pages I printed about verbal abuse.  He picked them up, looked at the title and said, "What is this?  I don't do this." and slammed them down on the table and stomped away very angry.

Yea, I did not handle that well.

What was I thinking?  He'd magically read all the papers and have an 'Ah Ha' moment and stop yelling at us?

So, after the incident from the boyfriend, I am NOT exaggerating to tell you it still took me 10-14 years to finally stop yelling at people.  Even tho I heard what the b/f at the time said, and FINALLY found out verbal abuse and yelling was NOT the norm, it still took me a very long time to stop doing it.

I had a couple of friends who helped me.  They would point out when I was treating waiters and waitresses wrong.  It was such a habit for me!  And I was only able to finally control it after years and years.  As I type this, I am SHOCKED it took me 10-14 years to stop yelling at people for little things for no reason.  It was tough to control.  :(

Why did my Mom stay?  Well, she didn't want another "divorce" on her hands.  She felt ashamed if another marriage didn't last.  That's how she was raised - in a time period where divorce was a huge failure looked down on.  And so she stayed with him for all those years so SHE wouldn't look bad.

He continued to hang up on me, yell at me on the phone, and was very rude to me off and on even after I left the roost.  In my mid 30s, I finally bought a tape recorder thingy for my cell phone to record his harassing messages and phone calls.  I couldn't take it anymore.  It was causing me to go into SEVERE depression, and that's about the time I also seeked counseling (which was very helpful, btw).  I don't know what I planned with those messages.  I again assumed he would magically not yell at us anymore if I showed him and made him hear himself, and how he treated us.  I never did tell him about the tapes.  I hope I never run across them.

After his passing, my Mom used to have dreams/nightmares of him yelling at her.  I still have those dreams/nightmares to this day.  It's not pleasant, I admit. 

But, as much as I should be upset and ticked at my Dad for verbally abusing my Mom and I, it is still because of his love for me that I grew up in a household where college was the ONLY option.

I was very blessed that my Dad and I got along the last 6 months of his life.  Before that, I was very upset at him and didn't like him for treating my Mom badly.  Yell at me all you want and hang up on me all the time, but when he continued to yell and scream at my Mom, it broke my heart and caused me to not like him for many years.  I don't think he knew how I felt, as I obviously couldn't show him.  The last thing you want is the wrath from my Dad.  That was not a good thing to see or be a part of.

But, the last six months, he trusted me 100% with his life and my Mom's life and finally saw me as an adult.  He even started to not make ANY decisions without me.  I'm talking BIG decisions; and any and all decisions or choices for he and my Mother.  He finally saw me as the responsible adult he and my Mom had raised.  I enjoyed our last six month together and got to see the REAL Dad in that body.

It's extremely difficult for me to talk about this, as I don't want people to think bad of him, and he still has relatives (sisters and brothers) that I am in contact with.  But the facts are the facts.  He could be a really bad person, but he could also be a really good person.

I see living life as learning experiences; and growing from them.  And from my eyes, I am not bitter, angry, mad, nor feel sorry for myself.

I never have regrets about anything in my life or my past.  I believe everything happens for a reason.  I don't look back and wish he didn't treat us badly; it was our life and we lived it and we survived it.  I don't see my childhood as a bad childhood.  It was just the way I lived.  He didn't know any better.  I have to say it was a relief to find out he prolly had some sort of mental disease.  I never wanted to think he was just a jerk.  He just had a Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde personality for sure, but we survived it.