Don't Recline That Airline Seat...

I'm the type of person who never reclines their seat back on an airplane.

I think it's rude to actually push that little round button on the side of my arm rest and then lean back into the back of my seat and make it go back further into the space of the person behind me.

I already feel that there's so little room around a plane seat that it's not even fathomable for me to do that.  No matter how uncomfortable I might be in that cramped seat, I refuse to ever lean my seat back.  I just don't want the stranger behind me to feel even more uncomfortable.

So, because I am a typical human who disillusion-ally thinks everyone should have the same expectations, I do tend to get agitated with the person in front of me who adjusts their seat back right at me.

Every once in awhile they will turn around and look behind them to see if someone is "back there."  But we all know they saw us as they took their seat.  Or, they know from the announcements that the flight is full already.  Yet, they still turn around like an apology turnaround of, "hey I'm sorry I just put my seat back."

Did you notice that?  They don't do it BEFORE they push the button, they do it afterwards.  But, most don't turn around at all. 

And of course I always enjoy the ones who slam their seats back, instead of gently.  At least gently I can prepare for the smaller space that's about to encroach on me.  I usually have one of my legs crossed so when their back seat leans into me, it causes me to jump stealth-like and move my knees before they get squished.  Or, I grab my tablet just in the nick of time as it tries to get knocked off the small plastic table above my knees.

I know they are just trying to get comfortable in the small seats, but although this may sound rude, I kinda wish none of the seats were reclinable.  What a joy for all that would be.  :)

Oh! And seems in my row, the two people next to me always have people in front of them who don't recline their seat.  But my airline mate in front of me - every time has to adjust backwards into my lap.

Fun times!

But, at least the person behind me wont feel confined to a smaller space as I sit upright for them.  I'm obliged to help!  Just simple consideration.  :)

The Words To Choose

About a year ago I'll never forget a very short, yet amazing exchange I had with a stranger.

I was in my own cloud of depression, not looking up as I walked into my building at work, headed to the elevators.  There are 100s and 100s of people in this 14-story building who work there, plus all the visitors on any given day to the IRS on the 6th floor,  Social Security Office on the 1st floor, and the bank on the 7th floor.

So, as I'm in my foggy cloud, I get to my set of elevators to the upper floors and a woman was standing there waiting for the elevator doors to magically open as well.

And then she says something to me, just as the doors open and we are walking into the elevators.

She said, "That shirt looks really great on you. "

I look up shyly (trying to also catch a quick look at what shirt I was wearing) and I reply nicely, "thank you so much," with a small return smile.

She gets off on floor 8, and as the doors close behind her, I recognized so deeply how impactful her choice of words were to me and how they made me feel.

Normally one would say, "I love that shirt," or "that's a great shirt."

But she actually added an element I had never thought of that is much more meaningful than just about the shirt - it's how the shirt looks on THE PERSON.

It was amazing how much more powerful her words meant to me, and how they made me feel overall.

I normally am just proud of the shirt choice I made when someone mentions they like my shirt/dress/whatever.  This day, however, I felt good overall in MYSELF because of how she said the shirt looked on me.

The words are so similar and can be interchanged so easily, yet it's amazing how more impactful one was more than the other:

That's a great shirt.
That's a great shirt on you.

It was an extremely enlightening day for me.  And has now given me more awareness when I give others compliments now.

Lucky For Friends

What I find interesting is that since I'm not a Mom, and my Mom is not alive there are some things that I just don't know.  Luckily I have friends and co-workers that share things with me; otherwise I'd really be kind of at a loss.

For instance.  A few years ago I remember distinctively a coworker getting on to me for my choice of drink when I had a sore throat.  I told her what I had for dinner - chicken noodle soup with a glass milk.  Chicken noodle soup always helps me when I'm sick and I /have/ to have milk with that type of soup for some reason (been that way my whole life).  But she got on to me.  She basically told me that when you have a sore throat you're not supposed to drink milk or have dairy products because it's not good for a sore throat.

Well, I had no idea!  How am I supposed to know that?  My mom is passed away or she would have mentioned it to me, and I don't have any kids, so I wouldn't know.

My Mom would always help me when I was sick, like, "have a shot of whiskey with some honey" for my throat.  But, I tend to forget many of the little nuggets when I'm sick for some reason.  And she's not around to take care of me anymore when I'm sick.

I guess I could look up stuff when I'm not feeling well, but who knows to look up "is milk bad for a sore throat?" lol

I could always ask my Mom anything and she always seemed to have the answer. Except that one time I broke my little toe.  I called her at work and told her about it and she told me there was nothing doctors could do about a broken toe.  I just had to wait for it the heal on it's own.  But what she didn't know was my little toe was sticking straight out so far to the left, I couldn't even put a shoe on!  She was wrong that one time - a doctor did fix me up, tho, and put it back into place for me.

Last year I visited my Dad's wife after he passed and she was preparing orchids she was giving away as gifts to a few people who had helped her the last few weeks after his passing.  And I'm sitting on her couch watching this Korean woman grab some mayonnaise out of the refrigerator, get a paper towel, and proceeded to wipe the mayonnaise on the leaves carefully and diligently.

I honestly sat there in disbelief.  I asked her why she was doing that and she said that the mayonnaise brings out the brightness of the leaves and also helps keep the dust away.  I had no idea - first time I've ever seen that in my life.  And I even recall mentioning to her that I wish I lived closer so I could learn things like that from her.  Because again, am I supposed to look up how to clean orchid leaves?  Why would it even cross my mind orchid leaves could/should be cleaned?

Now, I wrote recently that I've learned a lot from my parents by watching, but what I'm talking about are more so things that come up that maybe you haven't been through or you just don't remember.

Also, I have no idea if I ever had the chickenpox.  No idea at all.  And, there's no one alive to ask.  So every time I see that commercial about shingles, asking if you had the chickenpox virus, I shrug my shoulders at the tv because I have no clue.

But I am very thankful I have my friends and co-workers.  Whether walking down the hall talking to coworkers, or posting something on facebook getting advice back (usually unwelcomed lol but still), or mentioning something in an email to someone I adore, I do still have angels around me even though I have no family.

Drafts Folder

Lately, I'm been going through a lot of things and cleaning out a lot of things.

I've already been through every room in my house.  Given away about 15 bags of clothing, moved things to their proper location in the house, got the garage organized, going through all my papers in the filing cabinets, and even organized the dreaded "junk drawer" one Friday night:

The other thing I'm doing is electronic cleaning.  I keep all emails in my inbox if there is some action needed.  So, deleting an email is something I can do at any time, but I am notorious for not filing emails right away.  So, the inbox just keeps filling up over into the next internet page of the email until I finally get around to either reading an article someone sent me, filing the email, responding to someone, checking out a link, whatever.

(and this is just my personal email I'm referring to, not my work email that I have the same issue with lol.)

And now, I send reminders to my email.  I actually love doing this because it helps me not lose my thoughts or helps me remember things I need to do (I use Do Note from IFTTT to easily email myself).  So, I keep the email reminder unread and it stays bright in my inbox as a reminder this is an action I need to do something with.  Do you think this helps?  No, not at all.  Now the "unread" email number just climbs up, too.  lol.

So, as I was cleaning my email inbox, I noticed my DRAFTS folder.  Why THE HELL do I have over 400 emails in my drafts folder?

So, I started to go through them since I'm on this cleaning spree.

I found addresses and phone numbers.  To who?  I don't know.  I guess at some point I would need to write down a number or address, put it in an email but not email it - just "SAVE" it and then it stayed in my drafts folder.

I also have those type of letters/emails you write that you are NEVER suppose to push the send button on.  You know, if someone really upsets you, you are suppose to write down your thoughts.  But you never actually send that email.  You are just getting the anger out of you.  Further, if something is on your mind you can't stop thinking about, then you write those thoughts down so you can then shove them away from your brain.  You still have the information you were thinking about, but it's now off your mind.

Kinda like they say if you are laying in bed thinking of the things you are suppose to do the next day, you then write them down.  That allows you to fall asleep because you are no longer thinking about your to-do list, and it's captured in writing (this works btw).

Same principle.

So, some of these "letters" were my thoughts after breakups, or why a guy was an ass, or why I was upset with a friend.  It was pretty weird to run across some of those - some were over 7 years old.  DELETE.

I also have saved chat discussions with friends because of advice they gave me.  Tidbits of information that I copied into a draft so I wouldn't forget, and maybe refer to if I needed a peptalk.  Back then, Chats weren't saved, so I had to copy and paste them.  Yet, there it all sat in a DRAFT email waiting to be taken care of somehow.  

I also of course have lots of links to articles (many links do not work now) and prolly over 100 items to blog about (holy cow).

I found this that I wasn't suppose to forget from 2008:

amboyna burl
black palm

Yep, that's all it said.  I guess that's when I was looking up wood for the cue I was designing.

How about this nugget:

A draft letter I wrote for an ex to his biological Dad he never met (who he found and they now visit each other and are close).

I also found a lot of quotes I liked at some point in time, that I guess I was going to blog about or felt close to at the moment in that place in my life.  Nowadays, I save things in an app called Evernote because I can save it on my phone and pull it up on my computer - very handy actually.  Of course I realize now I'm just replacing one electronic means of hoarding with another.  lol.

I have my DRAFT folder down to 178 drafts now!  After a while I get burned out filing or trying to figure out what to do with them.  Because let's be honest, if I want to SAVE what the draft, then I have to EMAIL it to myself.  And then it's sitting in my email inbox unread, just piling up with the others I'm trying to clear out lol.  Because I still need to do something with it - blog about it or file it or whatever.

OMG it's like a vicious circle! 

Oh geeeeee.....  lol

Grandma Cookie Jar

My Grandma Bailey always made homemade cookies.  Her sugar cookies were my favorite and she knew it.

She would always make me loads of them during the family holidays.

Grandma Bailey's philosophy was:  She said I could eat some before dinner, "as long as I didn't ruin my appetite for dinner."

Heck as a teenager, I could eat a hundred, never get full, and also be hungry come dinner time!

Don't threaten me with a good time.

So it meant a lot when I got this Grandma cookie jar after her passing:

Reminds me of her and her undying love for me.  Even tho I wasn't a blood grand daughter, she always treated me as such.

My first funeral was hers.   And I could not stop crying enough to speak, when they asked if anyone had thoughts or memories to share.  I so wish I could go back and say something now in that church in Santa Rosa, Texas that day.

I love you Grandma Bailey!

Grandma in a Nursing Home for the Holidays?

My Mom was in a nursing home for a couple of months for rehabilitation.  She had been in the hospital for so long and got so weak, she had to go to a rehab place.  Unfortunately, rehab places are entrenched into nursing homes; the ONE place my Mom NEVER ever, EVER wanted to go to.

However, the fact that she would be out after she was able to walk again pushed her to try harder on her exercises.

I admit it took me awhile to find a nursing home I liked for her - and even the one I found wasn't really great, but it was 90% better than the other pee-smelling ones I visited.

The timing of my Mom's stay was brutal- over the biggest holidays - Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's.  I finally brought her VERY happy ass home Jan 4th after 2 months in the wretched place.

Over the Christmas holidays, my Mom got herself a roommate!  Boy, was she ever PISSED.  All that time in her own room, and then they had someone move in with her.  Turns out is was only temporary.  And unfortunately, a tradition for this woman.

She was a frail little thing, way over 70, and didn't speak one single word the whole time she was sharing a room with my Mom over the Christmas weekend.  Turns out the nurses knew her already - her family dropped her off over the holidays routinely so they could go out of town to see (I presume) other family members.

But, "they" left Grandam behind.    Whoever "they" is.

I felt so badly for this woman as she was handled every time she had to use the bathroom, she was brought food, and all she did was lay in her bed all day.  While that actually describes my Mom's stay as well, at least I visited her every day and my Mom was well-aware she was loved by me. And, I cared for her butt (one of my fav posts!)

I don't recall if Grandma watched tv or not, but maybe she did.  She didn't do anything, she just, well, laid in her bed the entire 4-5 days and didn't say one single word the entire time or do one single extra thing.  No reading, no talking, no... nothing.

Then one afternoon after work I go visit my Mom as usual, and Grandma is gone.  Whisked away back to her familiar, more comfy bed at home with her "family."

I felt sad she was alone during the holidays.  Although my Mom did try to talk to her, she was alone nonetheless.  And I can't imagine the pain of the family who had to broach this the first time - "we simply can't take Grandma.... what are our options?" - that must have been an extremely tough situation / decision for them.  And yes, of course my heart is pissed they would consider doing THIS option.  But of course, I'm not in their shoes.

I don't know if Grandma knew what was going on, tho.  She wasn't herself, this frail, shy, confused woman who kept to herself.

Still sad.  Grandma's should never be treated like that imo.  It was heartbreaking.

Jared Leto and Fame

Just a quote I think is neat:

Jared Leto said that "fame doesn't change you, it changes everyone around you."

I think on some level, fame has to change people in the very beginning as they adjust to the "new things" they aren't used to (money, attention, spotlight, etc).  But after awhile, I can see that - yes indeed people change around them.  They are put on a pedestal for sure and looked at 'differently.'  Almost untouchable. 

It's the humble ones we don't talk about.  But the ones we look up to most. 

I think those that are famous but we don't know about - how do they feel walking around "normal" people?  Do they feel different?   

Life is..... Long?

Seems all my life I've heard the phrase, "Life is short."

And at my age, it definitely makes a lot of sense!  Yikes!

However, I just read this nugget in an article today and it tickled my brain:

"Life is long. This difficult chapter will be a footnote. Get through it the best way you can and sail on to your next adventure."

Hugely different perceptive I loved reading today.  The author was talking about adversity someone was going through, and it really is spot on about life if you absorb the words.

Pretty coolio.

Sudden Memory Loss in the Elderly?

I'm not a doctor.  I don't even play one on TV.

But when my ailing Mom started to have cognitive problems, her mental health issues were SUBSTANTIALLY more upsetting to me than her physical health.

I can't describe it.  It's not even something you think about unless you experience this yourself with a loved one.  I guess we get afraid of our parents forgetting who we are.  Physical ailments can be treated - but memory loss is just on another level of scariness.

But, literally overnight one day at the home my Mom and I shared while I was taking care of her, I noticed my Mom's memory kinda "left."  She hadn't had any dramatic memory loss to date - just typical forgetting words or forgot where she placed something.  But all of a sudden one day my Mom lost the ability to work the tv remote she's been using for years.   "How do I change the channel?" she would ask me as she held out the remote for me to operate for her.

Later that night, she looked down confused at all her pills, trying to figure out which pills she needed to take, even though they were separated in her regular pill container labeled with AM and PM, and she had had the same routine for taking her pills for years. 

More and more throughout the next two days she would be very confused on how to work things or do things, where before she didn't have these memory or cognitive issues.  It was very frightening for both of us.

I deeply cried to a friend of mine about my concerns for her and I, and he all of a sudden asked me if my Mom had a urinary tract infection.

Through my tears, "uh,  what?"

He was a psychologist by trade and told me that elderly people sometimes have sudden memory loss when they have a urinary tract infection.

Really?

Turns out he was right!   And I was saved from feeling like I was losing my Mom and she was saved from being so confused.

Wanted to share this in case /all of a sudden/ an elderly relative gets confused with daily activities (where they hadn't had any major confusion before).    

My Mom knew something wasn't right, either.  She would say, "aren't you worried?!"

Well, YES.   

My Mom being funny in the ER for a different visit

Taking her to the doctor and him remedying her urinary tract infection led to her gaining back her cognitive issues and resolving the confusion she was experiencing.

I hope this helps at least ONE person! 

Maya's Wisdom

'I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.'

'I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.'

'I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.'
 
'I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as 'making a life.'
 
'I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.'
 
'I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back . . . .'

'I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision ......'

'I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one . .'

'I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone . People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.'

'I've learned that I still have a lot to learn ......'

'I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.'

-Maya Angelou

Learning Lesson From Doing the Dishes

I remember quite vividly in my 30s I proudly said out loud to my Mom while I was cooking one day how I was glad Dad taught me how to cook hamburger meat quickly.

Her response was the opposite of my proud exclamation.  She responded with disdain and being miffed, "Your Dad never taught me that."

As I stood there baffled at her words coming at me, it was a moment in my life that taught me quite a bit.  Not about how to cook hamburger meat, but about learning.  And what we learn as a child, or to be exact, how we learn in general.  Also, that my Mom took what I said completely personal.

My Dad never once said to me as he was cooking one day when I was a child, "here, after you put the cold and raw hamburger meat in this pot on the stove, you then cover the pan with a tight lid.  You check it pretty soon after, and turn it over to get the other side brown so it gets an even cooking on both sides.  Then, after a little bit more time, you stir the hamburger meat so it all gets cooked pretty evenly.  The lid on top helps cook the hamburger meat so much faster than without a lid."

No, not what happened AT ALL.

As a kid, I just saw my Dad cook hamburger meat in a pot with a lid and noticed how fast it cooked the meat.

Yet my Mom stood there defiant, hurt, and upset she wasn't taught something, anything, by my Dad.  But, I bet she had - she just didn't realize it.  And it hurt my heart to realize I might have hurt her feelings; that she may think I didn't learn things from her, too.

I then shared this story with my Mom, to try and express that what I saw as a child from her was also learning from her.  How I learned through not direct explanations and teachings, but from non verbal words from her too:

My Mom and I used to go to the hill country about every other weekend when we could (sometimes more often).  While I'm packing the dang car, trying to get the dog in the car, rushing through the house seeing what else we forget, there's my Mom, DOING THE DISHES.

Even as I type this I have this clear picture of her washing all the dishes that were in the sink and putting them all on a towel.

She must have done that a thousand times.

I never once asked her why she was washing the dishes or why she would sometimes make us late leaving because she was washing the dang dishes, it was just something she did, something I noticed, and was part of the routine before we ever went out of town.

When we came back home from each trip exhausted from a FUN-FILLED weekend, there were never dirty dishes laying around, or food stuck to them with flies flying around (remember, I grew up poor), or even any house chores to do.  We came home to a clean kitchen!

Did she tell me why she stood there doing that?  Did she explain in detail to me how I needed to learn to do this?  No, of course not.  But guess what?  I wash my dishes before every trip now, too!  I have my whole life since the day I stepped into my own place.

So, I learned from you too, Mom.  Not with specific explanations or detailed reasons, but by watching, learning, and emulating.

Moods and Talking to Others

I am the typical person who, when not in a good mood, wont go out of their way to speak to anyone either I don't know or don't like.

When I'm in a happy or good mood, I will actually LOOK at the unknown person in the elevator at work and if I (for example) like the lady's shirt or dress, I will say something.  Or, if I'm in a decent mood I will actually look up and say hi or good morning /first/ as someone walks into the elevator.

Flash back the last 4-5 years and I would barely even lift my head up to make eye contact or definitely wouldn't smile or initiate a convo.  Because I was so miserable, I didn't want to engage with anyone.  Just with most signals of depression, I just wanted to be left alone.

I run a sports tour and I had to step out of my depression comfort zone and smile to the players and be nice to everyone, even though inside I would rather crawl under the table and not talk to anyone.  But, I had a job to do and was in charge of about 100 people and couldn't just walk around like an unfriendly, non-smiling zombie while trying to run the business.

Now that I'm in an exceptionally good mood lately, I notice I am even talking to people at work I don't really like.  Yikes!  lol.

The last 4-5 years I just kept my head down while walking down the hall, now I want to say hello or good morning first.  And even to the people I always avoided, I crack a smile to and say my friendlies.

While I know I should have always been that way anyway, it's super tough to get out of bed to come to work, much less speak to people that annoy us.  And I actually do feel bad I was a miserable self of a person to be around for so long.  I should have seeked counseling, actually.  Wasn't really fair to my friends and coworkers to be around someone who looked like they hated life and living.

I am so thankful right now for finally being in a happy spot in my life.  A few of my friends have noticed it (or read here in my blog) and are so genuinely happy for me to see me out of my gloom state that I was in for so long.

No one can control grief.  No one can be forced out of depression.  Just one day you wake up and the sun is brighter than it had been in a long time.  And you finally want to get out of bed.  Want to talk to people.  Want to do things that are good for your soul and mind.

Until that sun rises high for us, we just slink away from everyone.

So, it's nice to finally feel "alive" again.  Missed the old me! 

Character Quote

Love this.  Really do.

"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions, they become habits. Watch your habits, they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny."

-Frank Outlaw

Different Take on Dates and Death

I wrote a while back that one of the most important lessons I learned from death was that the loved ones left on earth are hit harder not on birthdays of their passed loved ones, but their deathversary.

Of course, this is all a matter of perspective.  If the person who passed wasn't close to you or you were not deeply impacted by their passing, then their deathversary isn't a tough day for you.

However, when I learned a few years ago that deathversaries are tougher than birthdays, then I started to take note of those dates.  So, instead of contacting my Uncle Ray on the birthday of my Aunt Gail, I instead send him a note on the day she passed away.

I also pay attention to conversations from my friends.  If they mention a deathversary date, I make note of the date so I can be sure to send them a text the morning of that day to let them know they are being thought of on their tough day.  Or, if I see on Facebook that a friend mentions, "today two years ago my Dad passed and I miss him every single day."  I'll then note the date in my calendar so the next year I can send them a friendly, comforting message on that day.

A huge part of my character is helping others so this newly found avenue to console others was right down my alley.  Further, it wasn't a normal kinda of solace/help, which is also something I lean toward.  I CAN do normal, helpful things for others, but I like to do unusual, uncommon, and more thoughtful, out-of-the-box things.

So, imagine my surprise when I'm asking a friend at work if I should contact an ex who lost his son a year ago that day.

Her response and forthcoming story really made me realize that, just as in most everything in life, you can't treat everyone the same.  You must know their personalities to be able to help best.

She shared with me that her new husband had lost his son from health problems when he was just 3 years old.  This was over 30 years ago.  She said a friend of his calls him every single year on the deathversary of losing the child, and sends his condolences.  As she's telling me this story, I'm thinking that is really thoughtful, until she shares, "my husband really hates being reminded of that day and wishes the guy would stop calling him on that day every year."

I stood looking at her in awe hearing a completely different side to comforting people about their loved ones on deathversaries.

While the friends gesture is nice, it wasn't well received.

So, as I walked away from her and the lingering story and her suggestion to not call my ex, it made me really realize that not everyone will want that comforting message on a deathversary.  Some will welcome it, yearn for it, would love to know their loved one is thought of (and themselves) on such a tough day, but others may wish to not think of the pain of that day.

So, instead of assuming one would love to receive a little note, text, message from me on a painful day, I'm going to see how they refer to their loved one.  I'm going to pay more attention to if they are still heartbroken or not.  Are they still grieving?  Are they constantly bringing them up?  Those are the friends who would love comforting words on a tough day.  For those that aren't showing indications of mourning or talking openingly on FB about their loved one still, and it seems they have moved on and aren't feeling so much loss/grief anymore, I wont send them a reminder of such a painful day.

Who You Can Count On

I had been upset for quite awhile last year about how I have no one I can depend on.

Everyone points out I have a lot of great friends who love me, and while that's true, I've also been bit by just enough friends to realize it's difficult to trust anyone at all anymore.

Well, "trust" is a tough word, but what I really, really mean is, "depend on."

And I really don't blame them.  Everyone has their own life to live and can't possibly be there for me when I need help, comfort, or support (whether emotional, physical, to share great news with, reliable, dependable, comforting, whatever type of connection). 

But, I found some major solace late last spring when I realized something that should have been obvious:  I ALWAYS have myself that I can depend on.  And God, too.

Like that new song, /Me Myself and I/ says:

Oh, it's just me, myself and I
....
Cause I got me for life
....

So, it's nice to finally realize that without any relatives alive, no dependable friends who live close by, and disappointing ex's who claimed they would be there for me, that I now have the most amazing, comforting feeling because I'm very aware that I know I can always count on myself.  I truly am the most dependable person I know for myself!

Sure, I still need rides to certain doc appointments, or help around the house when I can't move a big piece of furniture on my own, or need my neighbor at times to let my dog out, but overall, I truly can depend on myself for a comforting thought, reassuring voice, and to get things done.  I've been through so much in my life and survived (albeit barely sometimes, lol) this far, that I will be okay depending on 'ole reliable:  ME.

Eagle Mountain Park

Found this GEM last year and LOVED it!

Eagle Mountain Park

I learned my lesson to arrive early, instead of the hot afternoon sun in the middle of Summer, lol.  While I can walk for hours in the sun, little did I know the first time this is more of hiking than walking.  SO COOL!

Even get to see Eagle Mountain Lake if you venture far enough on the trails.  Awesome scenery.  Too bad dogs aren't allowed :(

 

 

 

How Are You Doing?

For the last 4-5 years, I hated being asked, "How are you doing?" 

Worse is, "How were your holidays?"

I discussed this with someone during the holidays and we agreed I should reply, "the holidays are almost over with."  Instead of going into my long spiel of death of loved ones, dealing with chaos, and why the holidays SUCK.

Now that the holidays ARE over with, and also the tough month of February gone, AND mostly because I really am doing better in general, I can easily answer people with, "the holidays are over with, so I'm doing good!"  Or, "I'm doing wonderful."

Seems like it's been SO long since i've answered anyone that I am doing well, or wonderful, or good, or great. 

Now, I'm proud to be able to say the positive adjectives!  Where as before I was scared of the question.

I'm just glad to be moving on and away from the depression that has haunted me for so long.

Feels weird to be smiling lately too.

But, the fog has lifted.  Working on many things in my life.  Feels good.

Finally getting sleep, too, which has been eluding me for years and years.  When I was taking care of my Mom the last 4 years of her life, I recall her always worrying about me not sleeping.  And then I didn't sleep the last 4 years after her death.  To be sleeping finally is very unusual but I sure am embracing it, and hope it lasts. 

So, how am I doing? 

Wonderful!

(finally)

Start Living Life (quote)

Saw this quote the other day. 

Love it. 

And what a great reminder for peeps who are going through things, that while it takes time, at some point from grieving, pain, and loss, that it's ok to eventually start living again: 

She was going to stop mourning the life she didn’t have and celebrate the one she did.

Thank You Letters as a Child

My Mom was a huge advocate of teaching me to say "Thank you."

Eventually I was old enough to send actual thank you letters.

"Okay Melinda, Write your grandmother's thank you cards" she would nudge me softly.

After I did though, I got yelled at and my Mom got on to me.

"You have to rewrite those!"

I was confused and used my high pitched kid voice to ask, "But why?  I said thank you! "

She explained, "you wrote `Thanks for the stuff!`  You were not specific at all. That's actually rude, Melinda."

Oh the amazing wondering things I learned from her!

I actually still write thank you letters and send cards.  All because of my lovely Mom. 

Grandma Bailey Mailing Label

I really loved my Grandma Bailey.  

She lived in Santa Rosa, Texas, just a spit and a throw from the border of Mexico in south Texas, surrounded by vast acres of farm land.

When I would mail her cards of gifts when I was in my teens, I sent them to "Grandma Bailey. "  

Like, literally

Grandma Bailey

P.O. Box 1234

Santa Rosa, Texas

She would tell me later,  "the mailman came by and would yell to her through the screen door:  "is there a Grandma Bailey here?"  and she would laugh as she told the story at family gatherings.

I never understood for years why that was funny, but I just smiled along as she told the story.

But you see. ... As a child I never knew her first name.   So the words I put on the label were what I called her: "Grandma."

I didn't know until I was in my late teens that her REAL name was Virginia.  Virgina Bailey.

Now as I reflect back I see just how fun and funny that was!

And how cool it was my Mom or Dad never corrected the label :)

 Grandma with my Mom

Grandma with my Dad, his Mom

Sharing Sadness from the Past?

I think I got used to telling people my sad life story.

Found my Dad passed away.
Mom was very sick and I took care of her the last 4 years of her life.
She passed away - my reason for living.
Then my biological Dad passed away.
I'm only child, so now I am have no one left.

It's a real sad, drab story.  I live alone, no roommate, or siblings and now no relatives left.

Just me.

Luckily I have God and my love (Lily, a ferocious white pitbull).

But as I tell my sob story to others, they all show empathy and can relate sometimes on some level.  Want to hug me (even strangers), want to adopt me, etc.  They are pained by my heartbreaks.

And then one day I was swapping sad stories with a lady I had just met at dinner and she finally says, "stop, there's really not more is there?  That's enough sad talk."

It dawned on me right then and there that while I have been eager to share my woes and my "look at all the bad things that have happened to me" stories with others, maybe they don't want to hear it.

Maybe, just maybe, they would rather I talk about what a loving child I was, or how I was raised in the Hill Country along the Frio River, or that I have a great job that I love, or that I'm a State and National Billiards Champion.

All these years of pain all I wanted to do was share my heartache.  Get some sympathy or empathy, I guess.  It was what I lived and breathed every day so it was what I wanted to talk about.  Instead, it makes sense: why would anyone want to hear about so much pain?

Sure, share with me your heartache and I can relate with all that has happened in my life.  But what if we swap awesome stories instead?  What if I never even mention how horrible my holidays are again to anyone?  What if I just share all the blessings in my life and STOP with the insistent sharing of all the loss and deaths and sadness for the last 7 years?

Bicentennial Park

Lily and I visited a new park last weekend.  Bicentennial Park in/near Burleson, Texas. 

I really liked it and it had a cute little stream!  I'll be heading back without Lily so I can explore more and longer.

HorseBack Riding

Finally was able to go horse back riding!  Fit it in for my birthday week-long celebration (lol). 

Been wanting to for a while now - love the outdoors, love horses, love the idea of something different.

Marshall Creek Ranch near Trophy Club in Southlake, Texas.

Grapevine Lake is still up (too high) so we didn't get to walk near the lake (dammit) but it was still fun..

Here is Titan and I who took care of me:

The Emotional Aftermath of Cancer (article)

I highly recommend this good read.  It's very a poignant article about what people with cancer (and their family) go through after they are deemed "cancer-free."

It's a great article to be aware of in general for any illness/disease. 

Eye-opening!

So, I'm posting it on my blog as a reminder for myself, and also so I can find it again to share with friends that may need it.

http://news.yahoo.com/emotional-aftermath-cancer-154419807.html

February's are Tough

My Aunt's birthday (who passed in 2011, same year as my Mom) was born this month.  My Mom's only sibling.  I bet they are arguing in heaven about who had the worst childhood lol!

My StepDads' birthday (who was my "Dad" for 25 years).  He would have been 65 this month. 

And my biological Dad passed just last year this same stupid month.  Gonna be tough, tough when that day comes around soon here in Feb.  And I miss his voice and advice dearly.  :(   He was my last relative I could call;  there's no one left to call now.

Is it March yet?

Let it be March already!  Warmer weather, no deathveries, or birthdays of loved ones who have passed. 

Asking for help might be the strongest thing you ever do

Excerpt from this article:

LOVE this:

"It's like a mirror, it really is," Leaf said Thursday on The Afternoon Show with Tim Cowlishaw and Matt Mosley on KESN 103.3 FM. "I listen to and hear stuff that's being said and what's going on and it's like a mirror for me. I can relate to so many things ... There's a solution. There always is but it's so hard to see when you're on this pedestal and [think] you don't need help. You don't need to be vulnerable because you're a big, strong football player and help means [being] weak. It doesn't. Asking for help might be the strongest thing you ever do...."