Grandma Bailey Mailing Label

I really loved my Grandma Bailey.  

She lived in Santa Rosa, Texas, just a spit and a throw from the border of Mexico in south Texas, surrounded by vast acres of farm land.

When I would mail her cards of gifts when I was in my teens, I sent them to "Grandma Bailey. "  

Like, literally

Grandma Bailey

P.O. Box 1234

Santa Rosa, Texas

She would tell me later,  "the mailman came by and would yell to her through the screen door:  "is there a Grandma Bailey here?"  and she would laugh as she told the story at family gatherings.

I never understood for years why that was funny, but I just smiled along as she told the story.

But you see. ... As a child I never knew her first name.   So the words I put on the label were what I called her: "Grandma."

I didn't know until I was in my late teens that her REAL name was Virginia.  Virgina Bailey.

Now as I reflect back I see just how fun and funny that was!

And how cool it was my Mom or Dad never corrected the label :)

 Grandma with my Mom

Grandma with my Dad, his Mom

Sharing Sadness from the Past?

I think I got used to telling people my sad life story.

Found my Dad passed away.
Mom was very sick and I took care of her the last 4 years of her life.
She passed away - my reason for living.
Then my biological Dad passed away.
I'm only child, so now I am have no one left.

It's a real sad, drab story.  I live alone, no roommate, or siblings and now no relatives left.

Just me.

Luckily I have God and my love (Lily, a ferocious white pitbull).

But as I tell my sob story to others, they all show empathy and can relate sometimes on some level.  Want to hug me (even strangers), want to adopt me, etc.  They are pained by my heartbreaks.

And then one day I was swapping sad stories with a lady I had just met at dinner and she finally says, "stop, there's really not more is there?  That's enough sad talk."

It dawned on me right then and there that while I have been eager to share my woes and my "look at all the bad things that have happened to me" stories with others, maybe they don't want to hear it.

Maybe, just maybe, they would rather I talk about what a loving child I was, or how I was raised in the Hill Country along the Frio River, or that I have a great job that I love, or that I'm a State and National Billiards Champion.

All these years of pain all I wanted to do was share my heartache.  Get some sympathy or empathy, I guess.  It was what I lived and breathed every day so it was what I wanted to talk about.  Instead, it makes sense: why would anyone want to hear about so much pain?

Sure, share with me your heartache and I can relate with all that has happened in my life.  But what if we swap awesome stories instead?  What if I never even mention how horrible my holidays are again to anyone?  What if I just share all the blessings in my life and STOP with the insistent sharing of all the loss and deaths and sadness for the last 7 years?

Bicentennial Park

Lily and I visited a new park last weekend.  Bicentennial Park in/near Burleson, Texas. 

I really liked it and it had a cute little stream!  I'll be heading back without Lily so I can explore more and longer.

HorseBack Riding

Finally was able to go horse back riding!  Fit it in for my birthday week-long celebration (lol). 

Been wanting to for a while now - love the outdoors, love horses, love the idea of something different.

Marshall Creek Ranch near Trophy Club in Southlake, Texas.

Grapevine Lake is still up (too high) so we didn't get to walk near the lake (dammit) but it was still fun..

Here is Titan and I who took care of me:

The Emotional Aftermath of Cancer (article)

I highly recommend this good read.  It's very a poignant article about what people with cancer (and their family) go through after they are deemed "cancer-free."

It's a great article to be aware of in general for any illness/disease. 

Eye-opening!

So, I'm posting it on my blog as a reminder for myself, and also so I can find it again to share with friends that may need it.

http://news.yahoo.com/emotional-aftermath-cancer-154419807.html

February's are Tough

My Aunt's birthday (who passed in 2011, same year as my Mom) was born this month.  My Mom's only sibling.  I bet they are arguing in heaven about who had the worst childhood lol!

My StepDads' birthday (who was my "Dad" for 25 years).  He would have been 65 this month. 

And my biological Dad passed just last year this same stupid month.  Gonna be tough, tough when that day comes around soon here in Feb.  And I miss his voice and advice dearly.  :(   He was my last relative I could call;  there's no one left to call now.

Is it March yet?

Let it be March already!  Warmer weather, no deathveries, or birthdays of loved ones who have passed. 

Asking for help might be the strongest thing you ever do

Excerpt from this article:

LOVE this:

"It's like a mirror, it really is," Leaf said Thursday on The Afternoon Show with Tim Cowlishaw and Matt Mosley on KESN 103.3 FM. "I listen to and hear stuff that's being said and what's going on and it's like a mirror for me. I can relate to so many things ... There's a solution. There always is but it's so hard to see when you're on this pedestal and [think] you don't need help. You don't need to be vulnerable because you're a big, strong football player and help means [being] weak. It doesn't. Asking for help might be the strongest thing you ever do...."

5 Things Real-Life Psychopaths Do (Article)

Hey look, I found my ex-boyfriend described perfectly!

5 Things Real-Life Psychopaths Do:  ARTICLE LINK HERE.

Excerpts:

1.  They're extremely charming.
2.  They don't experience any remorse.
3.  They're really arrogant.
4.  They take big risks.
5.  They're master manipulators.

Wowser...

Being Used as an Example

If you keep up with my blog then you know this already but if not, I lost my Dad (step Dad) in 2007, my beloved Mom in 2011, and my Dad (biological) in 2015.

I have no siblings, no kids, no roommate even.  So, I'm more alone than most people.

So when I hear people sad and upset about losing their parent(s), boy can I relate and completely understand.

The holidays are the toughest.  Everyone else has family around.  I have no one.

But what bothers me, and this may not be fair but it does, is when people get sad and try to compare their lives with mine.  Many people still have their kids alive.  Or someone will compare their lonely life to mine, and yet their parents are still alive.

PLEASE DON'T DO THAT.

No one, unless you are in my shoes, know all that I've been through, and been through alone.  Friends can only do so much (and even then you can't depend on them a lot).  I have learned I can only depend on two people:  myself and God.

So a friend of mine was telling me story about her ex husband and I said (probably rudely), "that's nothing, try being alone like I am without any relatives."

And she quipped, "yep, I used you as an example."

Wait, what?

And believe it or not, I was happy!  OMGosh I was SO happy!  Sure, I'm a SAD example (lol), but one that can be shared with others that you have at least SOME relatives in your life. "Look at this chick all alone and shit and miserable.  Realize how blessed you are to still have your kids." (or a sibling or parents alive.)

If my sad life can help others, wow, that would be great!  I've already thought that the things I have been through are really to help others, so to be used as an extreme example is super cool to me.  Might seem twisted, but it's not.  Not at all.

Grief Quote

After the passing of my Mom, things kept getting worse.  Not just her death, which the grief paralyzed me for almost 2 years straight, but other things in my life added on to to my depression.  Things so so much worse when you are already grieving badly.

So when I read this today, it really resonated with me:

“For me suffering is staying alive.”

I don't have much purpose anymore in my life.  My Mom was my last real purpose to live for.  And she passed in August 2011.

Get a Colonoscopy - It's Not Bad, Actually Good

I got a colonoscopy back in June of 2015.

My advice to all you scardy cats is:  It's not bad at all!

The only real tough part is how many times/hours you go to the bathroom after drinking all the liquid stuff to make you poo to clean out your system, but you don't feel a thing or even REMEMBER a thing of the procedure itself.  Doesn't even hurt afterwards.  I pinky promise.

And besides the relief you feel when they didn't find anything (or if they did and they found it EARLY so you don't die), the other bad-ass (sorry for the pun) thing I learned was afterwards, your potties are now really great!

I don't really know how to say this, but the cleansing out of your digestive system now makes you VERY regular.  But more so, EVERYTHING comes out every time you go to the bathroom - no delays of your leftovers (even years after the procedure). 

So, you don't get constipated anymore, you don't have to go several times a day to get poo out of your system.  It's really cool!  Honestly, everything goes right through your colon so much more easier now because you cleansed your entire digestive system with all that stupid liquid the night before a colonoscopy.  And this lasts for year, not a few weeks or a month after the procedure - for a few years I found out.

I feel so much better every morning now.  So much so, if I notice a few years down the road I'm getting clogged up in there, I'm going to take all that liquidy mess again to cleanse out my system good.  Guess I should ask my hot doctor before I just do that, tho, huh?  Gives me a reason to call him, lol.

Here is a really funny article about someone who put off a colonoscopy to only find out it was really no big deal, AT ALL.  Check it out here and have some laughs.

Getting Even is Immature

One thing I have learned is that getting even is super immature.

There is a certain "freedom" to NOT getting even with someone, even after they hurt you.

Obviously, I'm talking about hurt from emotions or words.  

As an example, I have seen a few times where a guy makes fun of a girls' weight ONLY because she said something about his weight in the past.  Whether a year went by or just an hour, they are actually "satisfied" and gloat when they get a dig in or were able to be mean back about their weight.

What I find MORE refreshing and a HUGE sign of maturity (and learning) is when a person is hurt or gets hurt and they don't retaliate with the same hurtfulness.

When we hurt someone, most of the time it's not even intentional.  Most of the time it's actually the way someone takes something.  A tone, or misunderstanding, or a miscommunication.  But hardly ever intentional.  So, it makes matters worse when that hurt person "gets you back" by being mean in the same vain.

This quote resonates so much with me about this topic.  Instead of being mean and hurting someone in return, try to understand their situation instead.  Don't retaliate.

When I meet people who try to "get even" or hurt others back, it's time to leave that situation and their negativity.

Mature, thoughtful, positive, smart people just don't do that and they KNOW it's not right.  They know it's not nice.  Instead, we realize that still being considerate even after we are hurt shows the true character of the person we are.  I strongly feel that if a person feels GOOD and even gloats about "getting even" or hurting someone in return, shows a devilish side to them.  And I don't really want to hang out with people like that.

I admit that knowing about this comes with age and experience.  Because as a child it might have felt "good" to get someone back.  But as we get older, it's not even possible from a "decent" person to get even or hurt someone back if they hurt us.  Not even in our being.  Because we know it's not the right thing to do back to someone else.

Yes, we get hurt.  Yes, sometimes very deeply.  But retaliation is not the answer.  That's just simply a sign of immaturity; not yet learning it's really not proper to do.  imho.

Letting Go of Toxic People

I have alluded to the fact that I have been trying to find peace.  The main reason for that is because I was in a toxic relationship for FAR too long.  But, I didn't know it until it was finally completely done with.

Once I was finally ridden of this person in my life, my entire being got better.  I got more sleep.  I was happier.  I didn't cry anymore.  I wasn't stressed.  Even my memory got better (because I was under so much stress from this toxic person).  I was more productive at work.  I cared more about my health.  I had more time to do things for me (whereas before everything revolved around how I was suppose to react towards him).

It's literally freeing!

So, been trying to do things that bring me peace.  Because I didn't have peace and comfort for over a year and a half.

Toxic people make you think you are loved, but in reality, it's a game to them.  They use you, abuse you mentally, break you down, then lift you up.  Make you believe things that aren't even true.

I've cried so much it sucks.  Then he'd say magical things to make me "believe" again.

The true definition of toxic.

And I am SO much happier away from it!

I am disappointed in myself for not seeing what was going on though.  But I admit I was lied to and my heart and mind were played with.

I honestly pray that this person doesn't play these games intentionally.  That would be so sad if it was all intentional.

But, not my problem anymore!

Happier times now.  Peaceful times.  No Crying.  No roller-coaster of emotions on almost a daily basis for months on end.

PEACEFUL feels SO good!  So amazing.

Let go of toxic people in your life!  You will be so much happier.  You will see so many parts of your life get better once they are out of your life.  Trust me.

Many of us have no idea we are in a toxic relationship until we finally get the hell out of 'em.  We suffer and suffer and don't know why we are mostly depressed and hurting, until we finally break free from the chaos.

The toxic person is like an anchor trying to drown us.  They let us up for air and give us hope and some happiness every once in a while, and we can see the sun and shimmer of happiness again with them, but then they just pull the anchor back down into the deep and darkness while we suffocate in life.  Let go of the anchor completely and rise to the top so you can breathe good and free again every single day.  Do it for yourself.  You deserve it.

Here are more details about that toxic relationship I was in.  I am ashamed I didn't realize I was being verbally abused.

It's actually very difficult to write this out and admit, but I was in a relationship where I was verbally abused.

What's crazy is, I didn't even recognize it at the time.

All I saw was an upset b/f who would be mean to me, break up with me, then try and get back with me within days.  He would worm his way back into my life with sweet words and failed promises.

And this back and forth chaos happened over the span of a year and a half.

Months after I FINALLY stopped talking to him and blocked all the avenues he could reach me, I happened to share with a friend the things my ex would say to me, and about the relationship in general.

And he replies, "How could you keep going back to him all those times after he was so mean and rude to you?"

As a mature, smart woman, I all of a sudden wondered that myself right at that moment, for the very first time.

I, then, at that moment, knew I had been verbally abused and didn't even realize it.  :(

It reminded me of ALL those stories we have heard our whole life of a woman being physically abused who keeps going back.  I was that woman, too, but it was verbal and emotional abuse.

I have kept all of his mean texts and crappy voice mails.  He would tell me lovingly in a soft voice, "Let's forget about that.  Let's move on.  Delete them.  I'm not upset anymore.  That was in the past.  I'm not that way anymore.  Just get rid of them."

But I saved them all.

And within just a couple of weeks (or less) after being nice again, he would get upset and then he would lay into me again.

Bottom line - he would be the sweetest guy in the world, but when he would let his thoughts consume him, he would lash out at me and be mean.  Then a couple of days later or a few days later, he would call or text after he was feeling better and say how much he was sorry and loved me and wanted me back.  I fell for it hook, line, and sinker because he was a very good manipulator (and a narcissist).

Here are some examples of the mean things (that I can share) that he said to me:

• You are the biggest whore in the world
• Good luck at 50
• You are a slut
• You''ll never find a good man like me
• I know you are seeing someone
• You are no good.

Etc etc.

I never once cheated on him.  I thought I was in love with him and that isn't even in me to see or talk to anyone else while in love.  Unfathomable, really.  So I was very confused by his continual accusations.  And that led to being scared to do or say anything, in fear to upset him.

Over and over again for a year and a half I would hear his words of hate, and yet then still take him back again because he would be all sweet and try to convince me to give him another chance.   I was convinced I was in love and that he loved me.  He talked about marriage and our future.

He was a smart manipulator.

At one point during that year and half of chaos, I caught him talking to numerous other girls, so I broke up with him (I thought for good).  But he had an excuse for it all and after 4 months, it was like my brain forgot, and actually took him back because of his sweet words and fake promises of our future together. 

I believed him; like a stupid fool.  And then the verbal abuse would return, and I kept putting up with it.   It was an extremely vicious, cruel cycle that I found myself in.  And it was extremely difficult get away from because he was so convincing.

And honestly, if someone loves you so deeply, how can they treat another so badly?

He would tell me often he needed to work on things, but then ease his way back into my life, be nice, then be mean again.

It's all the typical signs of abuse if you look up the stats:  

Here are just some of signs I read about, that you are being verbally abused:

1. You feel worse after disagreements
2. He calls your ex "crazy" for her allegations
3. You don't feel free to spend time with people and pursuits you love
4. Sometimes you feel you are dating Dr. Jekyll and My. Hyde
5. He says that he'll kill himself or you or the pet if you leave
6. They accuse you of cheating
7. They are jealous all the time
8. Calls you names
9. Intimidating you
10. Demeaning
11. Excessive Texting 
12. Control where you can go or what you can do

I can say he NEVER did number 5.

But boy, did I feel like I was dating Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde!  A LOT.

And everything I did, if I ever went out, I was scared he would take it wrong.  If I didn't answer the phone he'd FREAK out.  And then leave crappy messages or never answer when I would call back.  I had to check in a lot - what I was doing and where I was going - because he never believed me for some reason and I was very scared he would lash out at me.

I could not use my phone in front of him because he always thought I was texting other guys. 

(I'm getting upset as I type this!)

I am not sure why I put up with it all except I believed him when he said he would never be mean to me again, and I thought I really did love him.  Or that he loved me and "we belonged together - how could we not, we are perfect for each other," he would gush as I wiped away my tears.

I am ashamed I let him treat me this way.

It's funny how at times during the relationship I thought it was truly amazing.  Complete bliss, almost.  To only realize most of the time I was depressed and upset because of the verbal abuse and chaos of the Dr. Jekyll and My Hyde personality I was trying to cope with. 

I was very very stressed and it even caused memory issues.  As soon as we stopped talking, my memory issues magically disappeared..

I realize now that he is a narcissist. But that doesn't take away from the fact I let someone be mean to me for so long because I was blind.  That's hard to swallow.   I know I am much better without him and I am thankful I am away from him for good.  But still ashamed and disappointed I could let someone be so mean to me for so long and I kept going back to his lies.

 

5 Things Real-Life Psychopaths Do:  ARTICLE LINK HERE.

Excerpts:

1.  They're extremely charming.

2.  They don't experience any remorse.

3.  They're really arrogant.

4.  They take big risks.

5.  They're master manipulators.

Liars

Sun and the Moon - Personal Remembrances

My Mom LOVED the sun.  I would consider her a sun-worshiper (a big tanner) when I was growing up.

She would be tanned and tan all the time at the Frio River where her and I went for over 15 years at LEAST once a month when I was growing up.

So, when I see the sun or a sunset,  I think of my Mom.  My dear, amazing loving Mom.

When I was in my lower teens, my Dad and I used to look at the stars at night near the Frio River.  He would point out satellites slowly moving across the darkness, or the designs of the stars.

Therefore, when I drive home at night, or step outside to look at the moon, I talk to my Dad.  "Thank you for watching over me, Dad," I'll say out loud to him.

I love how the sun reminds me of my Mom and the moon reminds me of my Dad.  I feel SO protected at night when I see the moon.  I smile to myself knowing he's watching over me and protecting me.

And when I walk in the hotness of the day or lay out getting a tan, there's my Mom, right along with me.

I love and miss them both so much.

Steve Jobs - What Does Money Bring You?

Steve jobs’ Last Words -

I reached the pinnacle of success in the business world.

In others’ eyes, my life is an epitome of success.

However, aside from work, I have little joy. In the end, wealth is only a fact of life that I am accustomed to.

At this moment, lying on the sick bed and recalling my whole life, I realize that all the recognition and wealth that I took so much pride in, have paled and become meaningless in the face of impending death.

In the darkness, I look at the green lights from the life supporting machines and hear the humming mechanical sounds, I can feel the breath of god of death drawing closer…

Now I know, when we have accumulated sufficient wealth to last our lifetime, we should pursue other matters that are unrelated to wealth…

Should be something that is more important:

Perhaps relationships, perhaps art, perhaps a dream from younger days ...

Non-stop pursuing of wealth will only turn a person into a twisted being, just like me.

God gave us the senses to let us feel the love in everyone’s heart, not the illusions brought about by wealth.

The wealth I have won in my life I cannot bring with me.

What I can bring is only the memories precipitated by love.

That’s the true riches which will follow you, accompany you, giving you strength and light to go on.

Love can travel a thousand miles. Life has no limit. Go where you want to go. Reach the height you want to reach. It is all in your heart and in your hands.

What is the most expensive bed in the world? - "Sick bed" …

You can employ someone to drive the car for you, make money for you but you cannot have someone to bear the sickness for you.

Material things lost can be found. But there is one thing that can never be found when it is lost – "Life".

When a person goes into the operating room, he will realize that there is one book that he has yet to finish reading – "Book of Healthy Life".

Whichever stage in life we are at right now, with time, we will face the day when the curtain comes down.

Treasure Love for your family, love for your spouse, love for your friends...
Treat yourself well. Cherish others.

(Repost from Damien D Hustle Bryant)

PEACE

What About MY Ashes?

My Mom had a wish for her ashes.  For me to spread them across the Frio River in the Texas Hill Country.

She wanted a Viking Funeral, she always would joke to me.

I did that for her Sept of 2012.  One of the hardest things I have ever had to do was spread her ashes.

Here's me holding her ashes as I got in the car to make the trip.

 

Makes me burst into tears seeing these photos, honestly.

Recently, I visited the Frio River in May and had a GREAT time visiting my childhood weekend home.

I then found out a friend of mine, Tammy Gregory, said that she knows of the Frio River also and that she and some friends even threw her cousins' ashes in the Frio.  I was SHOCKED she had done this, also!

A couple of weeks later, I had an epiphany.

I sent her a message and asked her if she would do me a favor.  When I pass away, could she please take my ashes to the Frio River and spread them there so I can be with my Mom (man it's tough to write this and not cry!).

She said she was "beyond honored"  I asked her and honestly, *I* am the one who is deeply honored.  I can't even being to express how much this means to me.

You see, it's just me in my life (no family, no roommate, no bf/ etc), so this REALLY means a lot that I can depend on someone to ensure that I am with my Mom.  (more tears)

Because Tammy and I have a connection with the Frio River being in our past, and Tammy lives life to the fullest, it means a lot she would do this for me.

I am so honestly moved beyond words can even remotely describe.

Thank you, Tammy!

Heaven, for Real?

We've all heard how some people who have passed away and then came back to life say they saw "a light" or "the light."  And that Heaven is real.  And that the person feels calm afterwards about death.  Calm and peace and not scared.

Well, I have never met anyone of these people in real life; only seen them on a talk show or saw a movie about it.

So, is it real?  Did they really see the light?  Really see/feel Heaven?

I visited a friend in the hospital a couple of weeks ago.  I don't know him all that well, just really through facebook, and he knows a lot of my friends.  He has been sick for over a year, and that previous night he was sent to the ER by his doctor.  His birthday was the following day so I decided to surprise him with a short visit.

It was really tough on me, I have to admit, because even though it has been 4 years since my Mom passed, hospitals touch me very deeply and emotionally because it reminds me of all her suffering.

As I walk in to his room, we said our hellos and he's laying in his hospital bed as a nurse is trying to find a vein in his arm to re-hook his IV.  Right away somehow it came up that I was nervous because of my Mom.  He asked me how she was doing.

You see, we REALLY don't know each other that well, because otherwise he would have known she passed away already. 

I told him she passed 4 years ago.  Without skipping a beat he says with a beautiful, calming smile, "I'm sorry, at least you will see her again in Heaven."

I looked at this man I hardly know telling me this and I thought, "um okay."

He then shared that almost about a year ago he was flat-lined after a routine gall bladder procedure and he died on the table.  But the doctors and nurses revived him.

He went on to share with me that he had seen his parents.  And that he is no longer scared of death. 

I asked all sorts of questions!

Were you upset they brought you back after seeing them?   Yes, very.
Is there really a light?  Yes.
So you aren't afraid of death now?  No, I will be at peace with my family.  And so will you be.

I started to bawl.  Like a little girl.  Like the little girl in this 45 year olds' body that missed her Mom more than life itself still 4 years later of her passing.

I told him, you never know what paths were meant to cross and I knew at that moment that I was not meant to see my friend in the hospital b/c it was his birthday, but because I was to hear that I will see my Mom again.

Even as I type this I'm crying.

The magnitude of that 5 minute exchange of my life will last me a lifetime.  I actually KNOW someone who saw the light.  And yes it's peaceful.  And yes you feel comfort and yes you see your loved ones again.

He was not afraid at all as he laid there in bed telling me this story.  His eyes were FULL of happiness and knowledge of the day he would be back with his parents.

It was on the one the most amazing things I have ever been through in my life.

(link)

Who You Want to Be Around

I expressed to a friend that I was having some difficulties accepting that it's really okay to not want to be around negative people or rude people or stressful people; people that bring me down.

I heard that our tolerance for things (and people) goes down in our 40s.  Boy, I can RELATE!  

I want to be around people that make me smile, bring me peace, and are positive and make me happy.

HOWEVER.  Before he and I had this convo I'm about to share, I would have worded that statement as: I can't tolerate being around people that bring me down.

Do you see the difference?  One is actually more positive.  And explaining who I DO want to be around and how I WANT to feel.

Here is what he said that really helped me view things in a different way:

I've decided I only want to hang with the good people in our industry.

As you get older, you definitely come to realize there are precious few people really worth sharing your time with.  I always tell people, "I've only got so many minutes and so many words left in me. I'm not going to waste either on people I don't really want to be with."

As for the "tolerance" issue… I prefer not to look at it as a lack of tolerance. That's for crusty, grouchy old farts…of which there are many.  I prefer to think of it as finding a certain peace and piece of mind that leads us to finally really understand what and who are important.  At that point, that's all that matters.

I think of intolerant people as being on edge and spring loaded.  I've become the opposite.  Much more relaxed, laid back.  Big difference.

I don't have time, nor do I want to expend the energy, to dislike people.  I just don't allow them space in my life.  I focus on the things and people that make me happy.