I have been asked before if there is a person or incident that I feel had a huge impact in my life. I am very lucky to be able to give you a resounding YES!
June Hager Walter, a well-known pool player in Texas from the 80s and 90s, took me
under her wing in the mid 90s, when I was in my mid 20s. We went to tournaments together and became good
friends, but more importantly, she helped improve my self image, self esteem, and
confidence.
It's difficult for me to explain the true depth of how much she truly helped me, but I will try. Because I went through an extremely valuable learning experience with her that was transforming for my life (and happiness), I share this story. Not only because it helped me, but because I hope it will somehow help others.
I wasn't the type of person anyone wanted to be around in my mid 20s. I would describe myself as a very moody and a sometimes
irrational person that was difficult to be friends with. But June helped me overcome some very strong emotional obstacles.
Basically, I used to take everything wrong, see the worst in things, assume the worst, was paranoid, had very low self esteem, you name it. I didn't like myself…
at all.
- I misconstrued comments made to me all the time, and then overreacted.
- I would take actions personal, then cry about it and be depressed.
- I would hear comments from friends, take it wrong, then wouldn't speak to them because I was so upset and angry for the way I "felt" they treated me.
Quite honestly, it's a horrible way to live and I was
miserable!
And I know I was no fun to be around.
I would constantly be mad at my b/f for stupid reasons and I would always seem to be upset with my friends for no reason. I used to ridicule my boyfriend in front of people because I would take his actions wrong; I used to give my friends or coworkers the silent treatment because I was so hurt by what I "thought" they said. I don't know how I kept the friends I did and why they put up with me!
Besides my external overreactions that people witnessed (yelling, nagging, the silent treatment, arguments, pouting, etc.) I would also go through a series of deeply disturbing internal overreactions as well. Maybe for days replaying a situation over and over
in my head or over-analyzing a
comment or event made by a friend or loved one. I could cry in a corner for hours alone in my apartment or remain depressed for days on end.
I was a very confused, unhappy, hurt young woman in my mid 20s.
Luckily, tho, June helped me. She literally made me who I am today -
someone who is happy, confident, and actually likes themselves! And, dare I say that people enjoy people around me now!
I joke all the time that she kinda created a monster, lol, because I REALLY do like myself.
But, I'm extremely grateful. Had she not helped me, back some 17 years ago, I would have been unhappy for the last 17 years. And that would have sucked to be so unhappy and miserable for so long! Further, I have some truly wonderful and helpful friends, and if I was still the way I was, I would have lost A LOT of precious opportunities to be friends with amazing people.
It's extremely difficult for me to describe exactly how and why I took things wrong. But let me try to explain it with an example.
This situation happened to a friend of mine, that I witnessed, which describes EXACTLY the way I used to be:
A friend of mine, Cash, was upset at our friend David because David played a little joke on him. Cash was pouting and disengaged from his friends, sitting across the pool room by himself, very upset about the joke David had played on him. Cash was very upset and mad. I went and sat next to him, to see if he was okay. David came over tried to talk to Cash. He tried to get Cash to look at him and talk to him, but Cash wanted nothing to do with David, so he kept looking away and wouldn't even respond to David at all, as he pouted and was hurt and angry.
One of my long strands of hair fell on Cash's arm, but he didn't see that happen nor could he feel it. David happened to see it, and as he up picked my blond hair to drop it to the floor, he said, "Oh, you have a piece of hair here."
Cash quickly and angrily turned to David and snapped loudly, "I know I'm losing my hair!!!!"
David was shocked and stunned!
David abruptly walked away.
I, on the other hand, immediately told Cash, "Cash, Cash, my hair fell on your arm. David saw it and tried to get it off, that's all."
Cash calmed down right away.
I ONLY explained what happened to Cash because I was the EXACT same way! And I knew he only overreacted like that because he didn't know the full story of what happened. He presumed the guy was being a jerk, just as I would have.
I knew the way to calm him down was to explain what happened.
I ALWAYS took things wrong, also. This was a prime example of how I would have reacted as well. I would have given a friend the silent treatment as I sat by myself all mad, and then I would have overreacted towards the comment because I presumed something that wasn't.
I always assumed the worse. No matter if your intentions were genuine or if you didn't even say anything wrong, I just simply viewed things incorrectly/negatively, exactly as Cash had done.
I had many,
many numerous days and weeks of being miserable because I had no idea I
simply misunderstood someones actions or comments. I just sat around hurt and mad. Insecure and vulnerable.
Before June helped me, I took things wrong for the first 25 years of my life, and I really had no other concept to lean on.
All my life I labeled these inappropriate and overreactions as "being sensitive." In reality, though, there was nothing sensitive about how I took things. I just simply overreacted and had no idea that what people said could be innocent, or even complimentary sometimes! I had no idea my view of things was so skewed.
To make matters worse, if I got mad at what I "perceived," I would then be mad at the person who said it to me. So many innocent comments from friends led to the silent treatment. I got hurt and mad at my friends, loved ones, and coworkers A LOT. :(
The reason why (I finally figured out) was because my parents were like this, too. They took everyone's comments wrong, also, all the time, so I was raised in that negative, paranoia, pessimistic, low self-esteem environment.
When June and I became friends, we eventually talked almost every day for a few
years. She was about 15 years my senior and a real gem to be around. I, on the other hand, was a real handful back then in my 20s, yet she stuck by me.
One weekend in 1995, after getting mad yet again at June and another friend during a weekend pool tournament trip, June pulled me aside as she dropped me off at my apartment and simply stated, “I really like you, but if you
don’t stop taking everything wrong, I can’t be around you anymore.”
WHAT?
I
immediately got mad and started to cry.
The tears raced down my face as I yelled at her and tried to explain I had been
trying to not think so negatively and be so reactive for SO many years to no
avail. I was so deeply hurt she called me out like that, even though I knew in my brain it was true, but my fragile low self-esteem heart couldn't believe she was saying all this!
She tried her darnedest to explain to me that I had a lot going
for me and that people really did like me; jealous of me, in fact. But, I didn’t understand. I had such low self esteem and was so unhappy, I couldn't see the forest through the trees.
"Why
would anyone like me and why would they be jealous of me?" I yelled back at her, still crying.
June explained, “you
have a good job, you went to college, you live on your own, you have a great boyfriend, etc.”
I looked at her stunned. Huh?
Then she added, "We all like you and you are a great woman, but you get too upset all the time. I want you to like yourself."
"Well, I don't!" I said matter-of-factly like a little kid, and still crying.
She shared with me, "Don't be like me. I don't want you to wait til your 40 to finally like yourself."
The words kinda made sense to me at the moment, but it was still a very shocking discussion. But, I will never, ever forget what she said. How she said it. Never.
I fell into a deep depression after that talk, for almost a month, as I reflected about my life and emotions and why I acted the way I did, and what June said to me.
However, that frank discussion (which wasn't easy for her to bring up to me because I was so volatile) also opened the flood gates so I could finally learn to like myself, and to be a better friend who didn't take everything wrong all the time.
June continued to help me after that initial talk - she told me to call her every time I got upset after someone said something to me.
"Really?" I asked. "You would do that with me?"
"Of course, I like you," she replied with a smile.
So, I would call her up every time I got upset at someones' comment. We did this for MONTHS!
“So and so said this” I would call, super upset, usually in tears.
She would evaluate the comment and reply,
“that sounds like a compliment to me,” or "I think you took that wrong, I think they meant this instead, which is a good thing."
"Really?" I would ask surprised.
I simply never saw another side to the comments that I took wrong.
She really opened my eyes to the fact just how much I was taking words and actions wrong, and that what most people said was really, truly NOT a bad thing. I was just raised to expect and assume the worst.
And sometimes when I would call her upset and angry, sometimes others' comments justified my emotions. “That did seem rude what they said, I
would be upset, also,” she would empathize.
So, I was able to see the differences and also sometimes validate my feelings. But more so, I saw a different side to comments - and actually, a more common sense side to things.
When you are raised in a certain environment, whether you are aware of not, you react to situations how you saw your parents react. I only knew to assume the worst. And further, I was taught through my parents' actions to give the silent treatment when mad at someone. :( I knew no other way until June shared the other side of things.
Don't get me wrong, I love my parents! I'm not judging them or labeling them, just explaining where this side of me came from. I was still a very, very happy child!
For many, many months June and I spoke in depth about my
reaction and emotions to comments that upset me – she gave me the opportunity to see so many things in a completely different
light.
She believed in me.
She HELPED me.
Because I figured out I was like this from my parents, I even started to help my Mom with similar situations. It was very therapeutic for the both of us.
Further, I also recognized (after June helped me) that explanations were the
key to deciphering my emotions. Eventually, I started to ask my friends
what they meant or why they said what they did. Most of the time, it
was because my interpretation of the event was wrong.
The woman you see before you now has liked herself since 1995. Sure, I was a very, very happy child and enjoyed being a kid and then loved the college life. But after college, for some reason I became very dysfunctional with myself and with my friends.
But, for the last 17 years, I am one of the few women in the world who genuinely and actually likes themselves.
June did that.
I am so blessed she was in my life at that time.
Don't get me wrong, I still take some things wrong even today (I'm only human, after all), but I was one million times worse, and extremely difficult to be around.
And I still go over situations and comments that hurt me, with a few friends, to get their take on things. Am I overreacting? Why am I feeling this way? SHOULD I feel this way? Talking things out with people is very helpful.
And of course, leadership classes and courses have helped me along the way, also.
My all-time
favorite is this nugget,
that I wrote about before.
Although the leadership classes were helpful, I admit the content made more sense to me because June helped me back in 1995.
June helped me get a head start on living life, when in reality I was NOT living life and instead very miserable in my own demise.
I am beyond words to thank June for helping me. She literally turned my life around. She was an angel in disguise. And will never, EVER, forget what she did for me.
