The Unseen Burden of Certain Questions

It's incredibly tough when seemingly innocent questions cause deep pain, especially during vulnerable times. And they aren't trivial instances - some have a significant emotional impact, and they stay with us.

Sometimes, a seemingly simple question can inflict deep emotional distress, even if that's not the asker's intent. While "terrible" might not be the exact word, there are moments when a question, innocently posed, places you in an incredibly difficult and uncomfortable position. It's hard to explain, but there have been a few times in my life where such a question has left me feeling profoundly upset, precisely because of the unfair position I felt like I was in.

I'll share an example that still brings me to tears (even as I type this out), even almost 14 years later. When my Mom was in hospice, someone asked if they could visit her... during her final hours. My Mom and I were incredibly close, and I knew she would only want one person by her side during that intimate time: me; the love of her life (she would always exclaim). She wouldn't have wanted a crowd; or people gawking at her, or anything like that; she just wanted me there by her side. Further, this person was someone my Mom didn't really like.

So, through my own grief and tears, I gently said no. But then, they asked again. Having to reiterate "no" while my Mom was dying and all I wanted was to be fully present with her was excruciating. It was an unimaginable burden to be forced into that conflict during such a raw, suffering time.

I was very upset that someone would place me in such a position when I was already so vulnerable. Their focus seemed to be solely on their own desire to "be there," without considering the immense emotional cost to me, or my Mom's wishes. This person had barely been present in my Mom's life for the past two years, only showing up once when she was very sick, and then suddenly wanting to be there at the very end just didn't align with what I knew my Mom wanted. As someone who naturally tries to please others, it's already incredibly difficult for me to say no or risk hurting feelings. To do so while enduring such profound personal suffering felt almost unbearable.

This experience highlights the invisible weight certain questions can carry. It serves as a powerful reminder to consider the impact of our inquiries on others, especially when they may be navigating difficult circumstances. Even now, facing a personal medical procedure that requires assistance, I find myself hesitant to ask for help, fearing I'll inconvenience someone or put them in an awkward position where they feel obligated rather than genuinely wanting to help.

Not By Myself

I go to restaurants all the time by myself, a simple consequence of living alone.

It's never bothered me to sit alone in a restaurant or at the bar of a restaurant. I share this because a close friend of mine has major anxiety and is so self-conscious about dining alone, she avoids it if at all possible. To me, it is a normal feeling, normal situation.

A few months ago, I went to an IHOP to have a late morning breakfast while my car was being worked on. I love me some IHOP and crave their delicious pancakes.

Several times over the years, I would sometimes see someone else in the restaurant within eyesight that is also eating alone. It crosses my mind - do I have the guts to ask them if I can sit with them or would they like to sit with me? I was never brave enough to approach them. But, as we both would sit there, each other on our phones or just eating alone, it made me think it would be neat if someday that might really happen.

Low and behold, this opportunity came up at that IHOP! I was waiting to be seated when another lady came in the door to eat also. As the hostess began to walk me to my seat, she asked the lady to come too, so she could sit her at the same time. I asked for a booth and the hostess gave me one. Then the lady asked for a booth, too, but none were available, only tables. She kinda looked around in shock, as did I, seeing a whole nother section vacant with plenty of booths, but they didn't have enough servers to open that section.

I looked at the lady and I could tell her booth request was a deal breaker and she turned around and started to walk away. I then nonverbally motioned my hands and offered her to sit down with me at the booth. And, she did!

We sat and talked for almost two straight hours, showing each other photos of our dogs (she just got a puppy pitbull and Lily was a pitbull) and we shared our whole history of where we lived and why - the topic was obvious because I had just moved to the area six months ago.

It was a beautiful two-hour moment, if two hours can be considered a moment.

I fully admit I doubt this experience will give me the strength to ask strangers in the future if I can sit with them or if they would like to leave their table to join me at mine, with a fellow solo-sitting patron. I do need to be careful with the interpretation of these scenarios as it can be taken wrong. To be biased and honest, I only think about this with people my own age or older and by all accounts, has a decent appearance, lol, so don't worry about my safety, please.  

While this may not happen again, it was still a really cool experience. Who knew sitting with a stranger would fulfill a little wish, huh? :)

Are You Paying Attention?

Moving to a new city has led to the obvious: meeting new people. One of my new friends has been surprising me lately, because he seems to remember everything I say. I mean, not just in general, but every detail, with detail. He'll bring things up during conversation that I have said months ago. 

This may seem normal, but we have had the type of conversations that are all over the place. You know when you start a new friendship, you are talking to someone who doesn't know anything about you or your past. What a fun opportunity, right? (especially for me because I love jabbering :) But this can lead to numerous stories about our past and every story we would share reminded us of something else related and then that would lead to more stories, which of course leads down other roads about past experiences. We can easily talk and laugh for hours - so imagine the number of stories and shared experiences that are swapped between us. I admit, I tend to share more than he does, but my point is, it's a lot of stories in just a handful of meetings. 

I share stories from my past - usually funny (hopefully), surprising (attention grabbing) or learning experiences (I have a lot), but also confiding in maybe past events I've experienced that I don't normally tell anyone. 

I often have to ask him, "what do you mean?" when he replies to one of my texts and then he'll remind me his reply was related to something I shared months ago, that I didn't even remember until he reminded me, lol. "Oh, yeah" I'll exclaim, surprised yet again how good of a memory he has.

I mentioned to him the other day how impressed I was with this memory of our talks, and his reply was eye opening - thus the reason for sharing in my blog. And I wish I had heard this years ago:

I always make a point
to pay attention to people I talk to.  

Otherwise,
it's not worth having the conversation.

This seems obvious, but I guarantee you its's not. We don't do this. Sure, we are listening, but are we hearing the person, really hearing them? Are we taking in their words and absorbing their comments? He's listening with intent. A lot of us are distracted by things around us or waiting to pounce with a reply. But not him.  He truly pays attention with the deep intent to hear you, because as he says, otherwise, it's not worth the conversation. 

And because of this deliberate intention to listen, it makes one feel kinda special, honestly, to hear someone bring up things you had said before. My wish is for everyone to experience this, to have a friend or loved one or colleague who listens to you so magically and brings up things you have shared, that it makes you feel valued and important, too. 

A Holiday is Just Another Day for Some of Us

I know people mean the best and are not intentionally hurtful. I know many of my friends and colleagues mean well and want me to be happy.

I wish I could get across to people, though, to stop trying to change my mind about things related to holidays. Holidays are just another day to me... and more so, that is okay! Stop telling me I need to make friends so that I am not alone on holidays. Stop assuming I want to be with other people on holidays or that I should be.

I have been alone on holidays for over 10 years. Just because I moved to a new place and don't do anything on holidays with others doesn't mean anything negative or sorrowful to me. This is how I was back in Texas - it's not like moving has changed my holiday celebrations. I wish people wouldn't presume I need to celebrate holidays or think I shouldn't be alone. When I say holidays are just another day for me, I think people feel sorry for me or sad for me or something. What people don't realize is, it's more difficult for me to celebrate certain holidays than to not celebrate.

I haven't celebrated Thanksgiving since my Mom passed away in 2011. The holiday only reminds me that I don't have any blood-related family left. Hey people - I'm okay with my own tradition of not celebrating it! It's honestly my coping mechanism to not celebrate it. I know that doesn't make sense, but it's my way of showing the world I don't have family, it's my one day of the year to make a stand for myself. The few times I *almost* celebrated Thanksgiving with friends, I bawled and bawled and couldn't make it out the door.  

The last few years I started to risk my ailing heart and began to go over to my neighbor's house for Christmas dinner. It was hard, but they welcomed me and loved me deeply which helped the pain of the celebration. I wanted to rush home right as soon as I could, as it really is painful, even though I felt loved. I especially wanted to escape and get home when Lily was alive. I only wanted to rush into her hugs and her excitement to see me which filled my heart and soul the only way the love from dogs can do. 

Sometimes a friend will ask, "What are you doing for Easter?"  I would ask back, "When is Easter?" and then they would laugh at me. You see, she had Easter plans set ahead with her family, so she knew when Easter was. Me? No idea. I felt kinda judged and felt like they were making fun of me - I know that wasn't their intention, though, but the laughing hurt. However, in reality, I have no idea when holidays are if they aren't a federal holiday, lol.

In my new location with new colleagues, they don't know yet or understand that I'm perfectly fine with not celebrating holidays and more so - I'm perfectly fine with being alone on holidays. One person just said to me, "I can't believe no one invited you over for Christmas," not realizing I would say no to any invite in my new town and in reality, it would be s more difficult on me to muster the courage to admit I don't want to take them up on their invite. 

So many people asked me during Thanksgiving and Christmas this year, "What are your plans for today?" Um, sitting on the couch watching whatever series I'm binge-watching at the time. And I'm as happy as I can be doing just that! On whatever holiday it is. Which to me is just another day.

Why State Parks

 If you read my previous blog post, I mentioned I was going to car camp at State Parks as I drove from Texas to Maryland for my move.

There are several important-to-me reasons I chose State Parks:

When I car camped a few times the last few years with my dear baby girl, Lily, I noticed that the State Park Police drive by at least once a day to check on each campsite. They wouldn't necessarily stop at every campsite, but they would drive by slowly, I think ensuring compliance of regulations and rules was probably the main reason, but it's natural for them to also see if campers are doing well and safe. The idea of a single chick with her dog camping alone and yet knowing the state park police were checking on things made me feel comforted. And on this 4-5 day trip, I was traveling completely alone.

The next reason may seem small but is also important. State Parks have a good online reservation system. Except for Oklahoma's, State Park websites make it easy to search for camping site availability with good maps. I bring this up because I have stumbled through other park online reservations' website and they are frustrating and sometimes would make me stop trying to stay at the park because their online system wasn't helpful to find a camping site at all. While Oklahoma is an outlier, the State Parks with user-friendly online reservation systems that I have personally used are in Texas, Arkansas, Tennesse, Virgina and Maryland.  (btw, now that I'm living in a new part of the U.S., I can't wait to add more states to that list!) 

Another reason I prefer State Parks is because they are pretty clean and kept up. I'm not trying to say if a park isn't a "state park" that it's filled with trash and not clean, but state parks seem to be at a different level for some reason.

Another benefit is you can count of a good bathroom set up. Sure, you might still see daddy long legs (that's a safe spider btw) in the showers, but the bathrooms are well maintained, whether brand new or 20 years old. At some non-state parks, the bathrooms at them can be unbearable and rarely taken care of. State Park bathrooms are the opposite. 

For the hiker like me, I love that State Parks have really great trail and park brochures that can be studied ahead of time and also downloaded. The brochures are all labeled well with trail distance, trail names and difficulty. This helps me decide if I want to visit the State Park or not, knowing if trails are near streams or there is a plethora of trails to choose from.  Also, sometimes there is no cell service at parks so to have a printed brochure can be very handy and helpful (from getting lost, lol).    

I have always felt comfortable at State Parks and during my stay at them on this trip, that theme continued.

People are pretty cordial at State Parks as well - maybe I've just gone on good days during the week, but most are on their best behavior. The State Parks kinda give that "official" "important" don't desecrate flavor, and I think the campers feel and know that as well.

Car Camping Across the Country

Planning for the Drive:

When I accepted the promotion in Maryland, one of the many items on my long to-do list for the move was to plan my drive from Texas to Maryland. While some people may want to race across the country to get to their destination as fast as they can, I simply did not.  My work allowed a minimum of 300 miles a day and because I don't like long drives, that is what I planned for. I wanted to take my time, not be rushed. 300 miles is roughly 5 hours - without traffic - and the day would need to include restroom breaks, eating, and stopping to get gas, etc. That leads to longer than 5 hours easy.

The thing is, with a 4 1/2 day drive, where am I going to stay each night? It's important to find hotels ahead of time and make reservations. Otherwise, I might be driving around for quite a while trying to find a decent place with a decent price with rooms available. That can just lead to frustrations, which I already don't need moving across the country.

I already knew I wanted to stop each day at spots that I could walk on trails and check out possible waterfalls and/or beautiful places. I wanted to take advantage of locations I hadn't been to before - who knows when I would drive across the country like this, especially not in a rush. 

It then dawned on me: what if I stayed overnight at state parks along the way?! 

It took a bit of research and planning to figure this all out. I didn't want to veer too far off my route, as I didn't want to add time to already long days of driving. I had to plan everything carefully - which state parks were located at the end of every 300 miles, if they had good camp sites available and if the state parks had great views or water along with trails. 

This plan was better than just stopping along the way at places to walk, as in reality, that would have added more time to each long day. This new plan allowed for me to take my time during the walks, because I would be already at my destination for the night. Further, this was great for stress relief - to be able to walk each evening after a long drive to decompress was great for my body, heart, and mind. 

The locations of the camping sites at each state park were most important to me - I wanted to wake up every single morning next to water - talk about food for the soul! Water always makes my heart sing. 

I planned to car camp, as most cabins are pretty expensive and/or not available. Plus, while tent camping is fun, putting a tent up and down each day for 4 days in a row would not be fun, lol - that would be quite a lot of work. 

I have car camped a few times the last few years, so felt pretty comfortable (and actually excited) about the idea. The only wrinkle I really ran into with my planning was it was Memorial Day weekend, and state parks require a minimum 2 night stay around holidays. So, the Friday and Saturday were going to be tricky. 

I guess the other two big items to take into consideration for this car camping jaunt for 4 1/2 days was would the weather cooperate and how would I car camp with so much in my car? While movers were taking the bulk of my things, I still had to pack for a week-long diving trip and because I was going to be in temp quarters (a hotel) for 4 weeks, I had to pack for that as well. And finally, the items the movers would not take I also had to pack in my car. Things like batteries, candles, cleaning supplies, etc. So, my SUV was going to be jammed packed and I wasn't sure how I'd really get it all in my car, along with the items I needed to car camp - the bedding, pillows, etc.

Next topics to come: Why State Parks? Which State Parks? Keeping in contact.

Where am I?

I honestly don't know even where to begin.

My previous three blog posts, March 31, 2021 about walking in snow, Feb 2022 about Lily's passing and then posting about an article in June of 2022 has led me to today:  September 2023.

I can't even begin to share all that's happened since I last blogged.

It may not seem that radicle or major, but after living in different places in Texas for 50 years, I up and moved to Silver Spring, Maryland by myself.  I applied for a few jobs after Lily passed away (yes, there is a correlation to that) and on the third try, I got one of them that led to a promotion here:  my new home!

There is so much to catch up on. I know that I pretty much stopped blogging during covid and also because the readers I knew about either are no longer a part of my life or no longer alive (sorry that sounds so morbid). Admittedly, I'm a ham and when I felt like I had consistent readers, I blogged more. But I also know that blogging used to be one of the joys in my life, and now that I'm on this new adventure which seems kinda outrageous honestly, maybe I should start writing some things down, errr typing blog entries.

Just the few sentences above, I could blog about every single sentence. I hope I create the time to start blogging again. Or more so, I hope to figure out a way to be able to type on my laptop easily, and not at my work desk - which does not allow me to be creative and if anything, muffles my desire to blog.

What You've Really Been Missing - Article Excerpt

 What You've Really Been Missing

If anyone in history should have died from FOMO, it would be Emily Dickinson, an agoraphobe who virtually never left her house and almost certainly never owned a phosphorescent pacifier. Yet millions of people still read Dickinson's stunning descriptions of many mind-blowing experiences. "To live," she once wrote, "is so startling it leaves little time for anything else."

This very moment of your life, if you experience it fully, will show you astonishing wonders and exquisite delights. Simple presence will take you on adventures you could miss altogether in the pursuit of nonstop thrills—without the anxiety, exhaustion, and expense. So learn to disbelieve the media hype. Listen for the wiser, deeper inner voice that tells you to relax, to melt open, to stop. Once you try it, you won't believe what you've been missing.

Read more: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Fear-of-Missing-Out-How-to-Avoid-FOMO/3#ixzz2XYItAtuq

Lily Went to Doggie Heaven

My lovely and wonderful Lily went to doggie heaven on Feb 1st.

A mere 10 days before, Lily was diagnosed with bone cancer, a fast spreading cancer. They told me she had about a month left, which I couldn't fathom, and it was difficult to accept the terminal news. And then the time ended up much shorter. ;( Doing research and also watching Lily closely, she wasn't as active more with each day, and eventually I had to make one of the most difficult decisions of my life.

I have to say, deciding to put a beloved pet to sleep is one thing, but deciding that while she's still wagging her tail and loving on you and crawling in bed together and eating normally is horrific. I struggled and struggled and struggled with the decision, but each vet I spoke to told me I was doing the right thing because the bone cancer is so aggressive and excruciatingly painful, that letting her go to heaven is the best thing you can do for them sooner rather than later.

Osteosarcoma (bone cancer) is a brutal and aggressive disease. It usually affects large breeds, and the cancer forms first in one of their limbs before quickly spreading. Lily was limping from her left front leg, and it wasn't getting better on its own. When they x-rayed it Jan 22nd, that's when they saw the cancer. At that point, all the literature says it was probably already in her lungs. And unfortunately, those affected bones can be so brittle that it can snap and fracture, which kept me petrified and nervous every step she took.

Dogs hide their pain very well from us, don't they? But limping didn't mean that's the only time Lily was in pain, someone told me bone cancer is a actually a constant pain.

While my head knew it would be best to let her go sooner so that she doesn't have to endure the aggressive and painful nature of the disease, my heart didn't comprehend that. All my heart knew that it was the absolute hardest decision to say goodbye.

I think it was a blessing that I knew Lily had cancer, because after I learned that, I showered her with love and attention every single minute, whereas otherwise it would have been normal days of love, if that makes sense. Sure there was lots of crying and bawling, which Lily hated to see me upset, and nights were tough wondering if the next day was the last day, but I loved on her with attention every single minute. And she still had a huge appetite and yes she still wagged her tail a lot. As a matter of fact, we still played games, still walked down the street for her to go potty, took car rides to run errands together and I still spooned her in bed on the cold nights. But immersed between those was lots of slower movements and much longer naps.

I was given advice last summer, to take videos of Lily doing everyday normal things while she's still healthy and active, as you'll miss that when they're gone. And sometimes we don't think about taking videos of their routine moments until they are sick. So I'm so thankful for that advice, because I do miss the daily, routine interactions, but luckily I have them on video and I love watching her on them.

I highly recommend Lap of Love, an in-house euthanasia vet company that helps with the transition. Their compassion at home made it easier on me and Lily to be in the comfort of our house.

The in-house vet lovingly, carefully, and touchingly sent Lily to heaven. Lily was very brave, and she went very, very peacefully, with me by her side. I know it's a gift to her from me to end her suffering sooner rather than later, and she needed me to do that for her. I was honored. So difficult, but honored.

Thank you to everyone who always loved Lily and I, and followed alongside us hiking or camping or taking long and beautiful walks together in so many numerous parks, bonding outdoors or just in the yard. Thank you for understanding our love.

It has been just her and I together for many years. She's helped me through so much and our love and bond grew so deeply. We were literally inseparable. She was such a blessing!! 💙

The house is very empty, and no sounds of my best friend fill the air. But, I still talk to her, like she's here, because we had such beautiful, touching routines throughout the day. Taking our meds together, never peeing by ourselves, walking to the mail box together, joyful car rides, she always watched over me when I did yard work, and of course our loving snuggles every night.

Who rescued who? She did.

I love and miss you with all my heart, Lily Girl! And will forever. 💙💙🤍🤍

Walked in Snow!

As I mentioned in January, an idea was presented to me to walk in snow when it happens to snow here in the Dallas Fort Worth area.  I was so excited about the concept!  I normally watch the snow from my window - hadn't crossed my mind to walk in it. Sure, people play in it, but walk around the neighborhood or go to a park?  Hadn't even crossed my mind. But I was super excited about doing it if it snowed again/

Then a rare winter event crippled most of all of Texas in the second week of February, and boy did I have a chance to walk in snow! Even without power for 50 hours, I still took advantage and walked in the snow in my neighborhood.

I bundled up well (temps in the single digits!) and walked an hour Sunday, Monday, Thursday, and Friday! Pretty much every day until the snow melt.

As I would walk up my driveway, almost every time I wanted to turn around and keep walking in the neighborhood! But, an hour was about as long as my toes could handle the coldness (even with two pairs of socks on, ha!)

Here are some pics. SO invigorating, beautiful, and blessed! I'm beyond elated that I ventured out and walked for so long every day on the stunning white cavass. 

Walking in Snow

Several weeks ago it snowed on a cool, crisp, Sunday morning. It’s not rare for Dallas / Fort Worth, but it’s not common either to see “the white stuff.”

As the beautiful white snowflakes covered the rooftops on houses around me, and the yard became white, I finally went outside. I took Lily out and she was not excited at all. I guess no yellow snow from her, lol.

I took some photos of Lily running back and skirting quickly back into the house. Then I took a few traditional selfies for Instagram with the white background behind me. I also captured some video of the snow falling - remember, not common in Texas and this born-and-raised-in-San-Antonio-girl hasn’t seen a lot of snow in my life. 

I went back inside and worked around the house on some little projects and cleaning up. A few hours later, I took a break on the couch with a tv show, and checked my usual phone apps. Candy Crush, Toon Blast, Word Feud, and opened up FB just for a bit and then transitioned quickly to Instagram, which is much less dramatic, lol.

I saw numerous photos from my friends of people outside. Some made snowmen, some got pics of their kids in the snow. It dawned on me that I really didn’t take quite advantage of the snow. Most folks prolly spent a couple of hours in the snow with their family members. I didn’t even feel too excited for some reason. I kinda avoided it, in reality. Maybe if it had snowed all day or for a couple of days I would have been more impressed. But, I simply took my photos to capture on Instagram and then went back inside. I actually forgot it was snowing as the day went on.

Fast forward a week and I had a call with my financial advisor.  She had asked how I was doing and the usual intro pleasantries, and then she asked me about the snow day.

I told her it was pretty, but didn’t get out much in it.

And then she shared something I cant stop thinking about. She said that her and her husband took advantage of the beautiful scenery the snow provided and walked about 5 miles in it. She said it was so pretty and really glad they had done that.

What?!  Omg, what a great idea!  Why did I not think of that?!

Now, I would want to walk in a park, but I don’t like to drive in rain much less snow. I also wondered how slippery it would have been. Last thing I need is to slip and fall.

Plus, I don't do well in really cold weather.

However, I LOVE the idea! Love it. I will take advantage of the next snow day and take a walk in it and enjoy the picturesque scenery showered in white. I’m excited just thinking about it.

Birthdays

I have always had a love/hate relationship with birthdays. Well, I LOVE birthdays, but no one else seems to love my birthday like I do, haha.

(and yes, I know this is not a healthy way to look at things)

I have learned a lot about birthdays. Well, in reality, I have learned about personality traits (which have nothing to actually do with birthdays).

Right after college, I was devastated when my best friend didn't call or write me for my birthday. I was hurt beyond words. Now, had I known about Myers Biggs, I *might* not have gotten so upset. What I know now is that some people just don't have the personality that gives them that pleasure and "want" to remember everyone's birthday. 

I am not sure if it's because I'm an only child or what, but birthdays are very high on the totem pole for me of importance. I want to celebrate other's birthdays with balloons and dinners and surprise them! So, naturally I would like me to be remembered on my birthday

(and yes, I know this is not a healthy way to look at things)

When I turned 50 last year, I was scared. I really was nervous and scared. Would anyone remember? Would anyone care? I truly feel the main reason I wasn't weeping for days for my 50th not being remembered or celebrated last year was because I did the outdoor birthday smash photoshoot. It kind of deflected my attention from my sad, pathetic feelings I could have had, to sharing the photos with everyone and celebrating what I DID.

I think only one person truly remembered I was turning 50 (and she made sure I felt special for it :)). While other friends knew I was 49 the previous year (we had talked about it), me turning 50 didn't mean anything to them. 

(and yes, I know this is not a healthy way to look at things)

One friend asked, "Did I know you were turning 50?" Yes, last year you mentioned you said I didn't look 49. I went to a birthday dinner with some friends and when the check came, I had to buy my own 50th birthday dinner. While there is a backstory to that (my fault, I'm sure), I was still hurt... because it was my 50th. It wasn't just another birthday to me, it was a special birthday to me. 

(and yes, I know this is not a healthy way to look at things)

And, I admit, I wanted to be celebrated. My birthday being celebrated in my eyes meant people care about me. 

(and yes, I know this is not a healthy way to look at things)

Again, this might be that only-child selfish little kid talking that needs deeper therapy, so please don't judge me.

I could always count on my Mom and Dad to remember my birthday. When my StepDad, Mom, and then Dad passed, there was no one left to remember my birthday. Without children or siblings, the only people left to truly remember my birth date were gone. 

It doesn't help that I have had some bad past experiences about my birthday. Several ex boyfriends didn't celebrate my birthday. One guy I was with for 3 years never gave me a present, another guy I was afraid I was going to get a really small pen again, and others just didn't remember or do anything special for me. Heck, one guy broke up with me ON my birthday. Guess which one? Yep, a milestone birthday - the day I turned 21.  

In the last ten years or so, to try and evade the feeling of disappointment I can sense coming, I just celebrate myself and leave town (to Vegas usually). But, those trips didn't stop the pain, only delayed it a bit.

You see, if none of my friends tell me happy birthday or don't know when the "big" ones are, there is no one else to count on. I only have them left.

(and yes, I know this is not a healthy way to look at things)

Many of you who may be reading this may say that birthdays aren't that special anymore, or "Melinda, don't let that bother you," etc. However, you aren't in my exact shoes. The shoes of a person who doesn't have any relatives alive that even know when my birthday is. Most people have an immediate family member (wife, husband, sister, kids, boyfriend, etc) who will remember your birthday, but I don't have that.

No one can understand truly, unless you are in the exact situation.

Some folks say they understand or can relate. Kinda irritates me, because I literally do not know one person in these exact well-worn shoes (I know they are out there, lol, I just don't personally know any).

Yes, I do have many Aunts and Uncles on the StepDad's side of the family, but they don't know when my birthday is. I love them and they love me, but we aren't that close to remember each other's birthdays. And to be fair, I don't know when their birthdays are, either. But they have large, immediate families to remember theirs.

A couple of years ago I lamented to a coworker about my birthday and her response was, "I saw on Instagram you had a lot of birthday dinners with friends!" Yea, I had to plan all of those dinners. No one reached out to me, I reached out to them. "Hey, it's my Birthday next week, want to go to dinner?" People should be careful what they see on social media - it's not always what you think.

However much I have been hurt about birthdays in the past, I am having some realizations as we move through this pandemic together. Some that I believe will alleviate some of this unhealthy pain. 

Or, maybe these feelings are here now in combination of not just the pandemic, but also because last year was my last "big" birthday?

Anyway.... before the pandemic, I lived and breathed by my printed calendar. It was an open-face calendar that displayed an entire month at a glance. Every December I would go through the new year's calendar and re-write all my friends birthdays down, or dates I wanted to remember for my friends - deathversary of loved ones, anniversaries, etc. 

When the pandemic started, I took that calendar home, but I didn't open it. Back at my desk in my office, I would keep it open to remind me of what important date was coming up for others. I would see it every day. Now, though, it's in a drawer in my kitchen. I simply just didn't open it for days, and that turned into weeks, and then months. And what did I find out? It's okay to not remember others' birthdays. And I FEEL okay not to remember birthdays.

It slapped me in the face that if one doesn't write down someone's birthday or have the want to remember other's birthdays, of course they wont remember it. It's nothing personal. It doesn't mean they don't love me or you. I went about 9 months without telling anyone Happy Birthday last year. At first, I honestly felt guilty because that's not who I am. But, I think I want to change that. Maybe I'm a little spiteful, but I think I need to stop trying to make others feel good about their birthdays, and just be okay with not being that person who always remembers birthdays, or reaches out on tough anniversaries, etc. It's not my responsibility to tell people Happy Birthday or be the one to remember when their loved one passed and how tough a certain day may be. Yes, I love to help people and want to make them feel remembered and special - it's a passion of mine - but it's okay if I don't. They have others around them to celebrate birthdays or give them hugs on tough days.

When I whine about birthdays, I start to think about my friend Dave. He wasn't close to any of his family members and hardly anyone knew when his birthday was. Did he care? He said he didn't. He could care less. It was just another day for him, all those 60-some years.

I wish I had that type of gene. 

Honestly, I do feel ashamed I took my birthdays so personal. No one is responsible for my life but me. My anti-depressant (of two years) has also helped my brain from taking things so personal. I wish I would have started this medication YEARS ago. It really has helped my chemical imbalance and I no longer cry in a corner wondering why I'm not hearing from people (seriously).

My apologies for whining and showing my true, deep feelings - it is pretty pathetic and it's something I should not EVER be concerned about again, right? 

(and yes, I know this is not a healthy way to look at things)

Well, I think I've had a breakthrough!

I am about to have another birthday in literally a week and I could care less to hear from anyone. And I am okay! Because I no longer have any milestone birthdays for anyone to forget/remember AND because I went through almost 9 months literally finally understanding the myth of birthdays, it hasn't crossed my mind once about my birthday and others in a week. Of course, I don't have to be disappointed no one asks me to dinner because we are in the middle of a pandemic, right? lol.

But, I really do feel different. 

I feel so differently after having these epiphanies about birthdays this past year, I almost don't want to post all of this; it doesn't seem to be 'me' anymore. But, it's okay to be vulnerable and honest. And it's okay to share feelings.

And don't worry - I still care for others and show it. It is a passion of mine, like I said. And I like to reach out to others to try and help during tough times or when something special happens. But, I just no longer focus so much on contacting people on certain dates. 

But, oh, hey, if I missed your birthday, Happy Birthday!

Thankful for 2020

I have a "closed" personal blog and over there I at times at the end of some years wrote what I was thankful for as the year came to a close.

It was really cool to read the memories. So, I am going to do a Thankful for 2020 here:

1. God. First and foremast God has looked out for me more this year than I think He ever has. Well, at least it feels that way. Almost to the last day of 2020 I was telling Him thank you for being there for me (and Lily). It's been a rough year with her, but he has looked over us so many times!
2. Teleworking. I'm so blessed with my job that we get to telework. Being we are in the midst of a pandemic (never thought I'd say that in my life), we could no longer go into the office safely. My work before had not allowed telework, but the pandemic pushed the issue. But, besides being blessed that we get to telework (which at times pains me because so many others are out of jobs), I have found I LOVE teleworking. So many reasons to list, really:
1. More relaxing.
2. No commute (ie can roll out of bed and be at work in 5 minutes).
3. Not getting upset as much with coworkers.
4. Getting to know people better throughout the agency because video calls are now a must. I've seen people in the past year I had never seen before teleworking was mandatory.
5. Self Esteem. There I said it. I don't have to worry about what people think of a little weight gain, or messy hair, or bad eyebrows, or how my clothes fit. There's something to be said about feeling comfortable and having those less worries every single day.
6. Less stress due to not having to drive and deal with traffic or bad drivers.
7. Get to work even when I'm exhausted. Difficult to explain, but when I don't get enough sleep it was tough to go into work. Being in telework status, I can wait to the very last minute to get up to start my work day. 
8. More quality time with Lily. We walk almost every single morning (and in the evenings as well). She gets outside and so do I. One of my top coping mechanisms for sure.
3. Parents. I still remain thankful and grateful that I learned to be so independent from my parents. I'm also referring to handyman things. It's pretty cool to be able to take care and fix of a lot of things around the house due to learning lessons from my parents.
4. AA Friend. My previous therapist late last year told me that the people in AA have their 'own language' and they understand things that non-using friends would understand. I was like, whatever. However, I was blessed to attend several AA meetings with friend and one night I befriended a lady (Cindy) and we went to dinner a few times before the pandemic. And, we have kept in touch since. We recently have met up a few times to walk in parks, which is nice to do with a friend. I text her things I don't express to anyone else, because as a fellow alcoholic, she understands and relates. My therapist was right. And I'm grateful for asking Cindy to go to dinner, even though I didn't know her. We have become great friends and we are there for each other and learn from each other. 
5. Lily's Attack. The evening Lily was attacked by two dogs will be with us forever. You can read it all here if you wish. Although the event was traumatic and brutal, there were a lot of blessings to it, really. 
1. First, I know being in the middle of and witnessing Lily being attacked will help me help someone in the future.
2. If Lily was a smaller dog she would have died.
3. The Blue Healers did not clip any veins or organs, luckily!
4. If the dogs were larger and more aggressive, Lily would not be alive. 
5. Lily was not murdered. I know God was looking out for both of us because had she of died, I wouldn't be sane or doing well at all. 
6. I also am thankful for feeling everything. It's difficult to describe, but in the past, I'd just drink all my emotions and not really feel anything. I was truly thankful to God to feel pain, hurt, guilt, unconditional love, un-closure, anger, depression, nightmares, confusion, PTSD, etc. I know that going through all those emotions is a sign of the right direction for my sobriety. 
6. Mentor. I asked a colleague that I barely knew, but was very impressed with, if he would be my mentor. He said yes! On the second conf call, it was only a week into the pandemic and I was NOT doing well. Very anxious and stressed. I wanted to cancel our call, but told myself to keep the commitment. It turns out he gave me such GREAT advice. My shoulders immediately felt like a weight lifted and what I learned I was able to pass on to others. During the pandemic, we all needed some help, whether we knew it or not. Further, after Lily was attacked by two dogs in August, I again wanted to postpone our planned monthly call. But, turns out he had a traumatic event in his life and he understood deeply what I was going through and understood about my PTSD. He gave me great advice, because of his past experience. It was quite amazing just how perfectly he has fit into my life at just the right time. (See? Lord looking after me.)
7. Coach. I signed up to help a lady get some credits to become a life coach. Honestly, I did it because I thought I could help her. I have a pretty unique life and thought it'd be cool to help her. Well, instead, she has helped me! I would recommend her to everyone - she has been phenomenal, even with listening to me cry a lot (ha). Again, right time, right place for me.
8. Therapist. Yes, I also have a therapist. Within three days of Lily getting attacked by two dogs, I knew I needed help. I was a blubbering mess. I am so proud of myself for reaching out! Turns out she is also helpful for grief and addiction, so we have a lot of great talks ahead of us!
9. Lily Girl. During these telework months, and of course after the attack, I have come to deeply recognize just how much of an impact she has made on my life. I realize now that I would not have made it so well the last 8 years without her. Further, my life revolves around her and I know that I would not be doing so good with my mental capacity without her. The idea to be alone in this house or walking alone in parks, or running errands without her jumping into the car all excited, pains me to even think about. She is truly my life saver.
10. Neighbors. I sure have been blessed with good neighbors. Patricia and Mickey really care about me (and Lily) and it's nice to feel like I'm kinda part of their family. On the other side, my new neighbors are good people and we help each other a lot when we do yard work.
11. Friends. I reached out to many friends when Lily was attacked and I felt so cared for and that they truly loved Lily and I. It was beautiful to feel. 
12. Zero Interest. Because there were a lot of 0% interest offers out there for cars. I took advantage and bought a new car! It was cool to buy a 2020 vehicle and yet my payments went down :) 
13. Disney+. I don't have an internet provider at home so I never have ordered anything that needed the Internet (like Hulu, Netflix, etc). However, I changed cell phone providers in June and it came with a year free of Disney+. Granted, I have seen 80% of the movies already, so I wasn't too impressed or excited. However, I bought a connection to my phone for my tv and can play the movies from Disney+ from my phone on to my tv screen. So, I have watched it more and more lately. Further, I am LOVING that I can watch all the "extras" that come with the movies. Like gag reels, or how they film certain scenes or deleted scenes. I am so intrigued with those things! I dare say I might miss Disney+ when it expires in June.
14. Turning 50. Well, not just because I made it to 50 years old, lol, but because I celebrated with a really cool idea - an outdoor birthday smash phot shoot! I did the photoshoot in the Fall before my birthday so I sat on the exciting concept for MONTHS! It was tough! lol. But come my birthday, I shared these photos on my social media accounts and at work (which they don't normally see this side of me so it was quite a vulnerable thing for me share). I am close with my doctors (gyno, primary, vet, orthodontist, and botox lady) and I was so excited to share the photos with them! I loved every minute of planning the photoshoot, doing the photoshoot, and sharing the photos with so many people afterwards! 
15. Dog Lovers. I can't say enough about all the vets and vet assistants who have helped me in the last few months. The vet and assistant who did Lily's 50 stitches, her normal Vet who is helping us with a mass in Lily's chest, to the ASPCA Poison Control folks, to all the ladies who answered the phone and were able to calm me down and help me through so many of the worrying and over-reacting events that have happened in the last few months. 
16. Walking in Parks. I have walked in a park every single weekend that the weather is nice. I can't begin to express how much it helps me to be outdoors, surrounded by nature and beauty, and loving to be alive. My Instagram account is flooded with nature pics from the walks, lol. During the week I am looking up places for Lily and I go to (or just me if it's too hot or too cold). Her and I even took a mini-vacation to Dinosaur Valley State Park in early August and boy was it needed, memorable, and AMAZING!  We walked IN and along the Paluxy River for hours! It was a great 3 day vacation. GREAT.

Traumatic Event

For those who know me, know how much Lily (my rescue dog) means to me and is my entire world and my best friend. With no blood family left and because I live alone, she encompasses my entire heart and soul. I want to state up front that she is alive, so that as you begin to read below it doesn't scare you.

While Lily and I were walking in our neighborhood on Fri evening on August 14th around 8pm, she got attacked by 2 dogs. I was SCREAMING my head off and yelling and trying to get them off of her. I just knew they were killing her ;( It was awful and she was soooo scared. A neighbor came to help and he and I were both trying to get them off of her. Lily was able to finally get away from their grasp, but they chased her down and attacked her again. That neighbor ran up to the second attack area and kicked the dogs away from Lily. Lily then raced home, still being chased. But the female got tired and stopped and then another guy (a cable guy working on the street) was able to get the male away from Lily at my doorstep. I was screaming and yelling and crying the entire time. I thought they killed her during the first attack, the second attack, and in my front yard ;(

I raced to take her to the ER vet. I wasn't able to go in with her (due to COVID) and I had no idea if she would survive or not, it was so brutal. But she did! She had surgery and after 6 harrowing hours, I picked her up at 3am. She had many open wounds, and the vet was able to combine some together and so in the end there were 7 big areas he explored and then stitched up - they ranged anywhere from 3 to 8 inches inches long - around her neck, and the outside and inside of both back legs. :( Her back legs were the worst, with some muscle damage.

She had several ports to help drainage/ infection. She had pain the most in her back legs. I was to keep her not moving around as much as possible for 2 weeks (stitches stayed in for 2 weeks and she was to wear the Cone of Shame the entire time). I felt horrible she was in so much pain the first weekend! Really was breaking my heart. ;(. And I couldn't get out of my head the attack, either. I burst into tears every time I thought about the attack, which I know my crying upsets Lily so I needed to be stronger.

She is okay, tho! And it could have been a ton worse!! She could have died (been murdered) right there during the attacks, or had much, much worse injuries. They could have clipped organs or veins. And they just barely missed her left eye when one of the dogs clamped down on her face in the middle of the attack - she has a puncture wound near her left eye.

What I witnessed, it's truly a miracle she survived and I'm so thankful! We are still reeling from the trauma of the two dogs that attacked Lily, as it's a very slow, emotional, rough, tough process, with bursts of tears, anxiety, and nightmares, but her and I are together!

It's very surreal to be thankful after a traumatic event, but it could have been SO MUCH worse! She has rebounded very well (~50 stitches), and we were watched over for sure!

What I found out later: A cable guy accidentally didn't latch a gate to the backyard securely, and for whatever reason, two dogs (Blue Heelers) ran across the street at us and attacked Lily. We were walking very happy and not making any noise. Lily is very shy and doesn't even bark. No one understands. The female just had babies, but we were nowhere near their house and not making any noise. They do have aggressive dogs next door to them, but not sure that has anything to do with this. The vet shared that when there is more than one dog, they can act like a pack and attack for unprovoked reasons.

The cable guy kept apologizing as I was pulling out of the driveway with Lily to the ER, but I didn't understand why at the time. He was going to write a report of what happened, btw, to his company (but I haven't heard anything from them yet). The owners were not home at the time.

I am SO thankful that that neighbor helped Lily and I! He didn't have to jump in - as he could have got hurt himself. He said, though, that he can't stop thinking about the attack, either. It was just so brutal. And for him, he did not know what was going on at first when he heard my screams and saw the dogs across the street... didn't know if I was being attacked or a child or what, as Lily and I got pulled between a garage door and a car and he wasn't sure what he was about to see as he ran up to help. He told me recently that every time he walks out of his house he thinks of us. The attack didn't just affect Lily and I as you can see.

The mayor of my city lives next door to me and talked to witnesses and owners right after the event (I called him hysterical on the way to the ER vet). His wife put bandages on my hands and knees while I waited during Lily's surgeries (I had fallen hard during the attack and was bruised and scraped up, and got several deep rope burns from the leash, but the dogs did not bite me). And I told the Mayor the entire story.

Animal control came out the Monday after - and provided the owners photos of Lily's stiches around half her neck (which you can see in the photo below) and back legs. I heard they might not have had any idea how bad Lily got hurt by their dogs.

Lily's medical bills are near $2,200 now. I have not heard from the dogs' owners (no apology or anything). And I also have therapy costs - I am getting much needed therapy every two weeks.

Everyone told me Lily would recover, and that dogs are very resilient - and they were right! It was a rough couple of weeks, but she's doing so much better! :) She was wagging her tail after her naps, gave me kisses, had a great appetite - all within just a few days after the surgery. I was so relieved! Yes, her legs still hurt and need to heal, but yet she walked around the backyard days after, it's truly amazing. But mentally, we are both freaked out.

I took her to the vet a few days later and he was happy with her healing and progress. She even wagged her tail happily as she walked briskly (too briskly imo) back to the car, lol! The vet was worried more about me, than her, he told me. I have PTSD. Some days are worse than others, but it's def a traumatic event for her and I. 

A friend of mine told me this will bring Lily and I closer, and I couldn't even imagine such a thing as we already are, but she was right! Lily can tell I'm taking care of her when I clean her wounds twice a day and ensure she's comfortable. I even took her stitches out myself - and she didn't squirm - like she knew I was trying to help.

She seemed confused/sad as to why we weren't going for car rides and on walks like usual that first week after. I honestly didn't know if we could go on walks again. It's very unfortunate, as walking is one of my coping activities, and Lily got used to going and really looked forward to it every day (sometimes twice a day).

I could tell she really wanted to walk, as she stood at the door to the garage - staring at it, lol. I finally decided to take her to the pool area - which is not near our house - but she could at least walk and sniff around. Two weeks later we ventured to a park that I knew didn't have a lot of dogs. She seemed so happy! I was for sure relieved and also grateful to be outdoors walking, even if it was for only 10-15 minutes (she couldn't walk too long at first).

Lily and I would always go to a park Sat and Sun mornings, and we tried to get that started again after about two weeks. I was PETRIFIED! We shortened several walks due to dogs not on leashes at parks the first few weeks.

I bought an air horn after a recommendation from a fried, and I carry that and a stick with us every time. We are both very skittish, including any sudden noises. She squats down scared immediately (she never did this before), and I get scared as hell.

My life will never be the same. I even contemplated moving. And worse, I don't know if I could ever get a dog again, which breaks my heart because they can be beautiful, loving creatures, and are also a key part of my well-being.

I knew within 3 days of the attack that I needed help... and I looked for counseling by the end of the week. I am very proud of myself for doing that! I never did that in the past - so was very proud of myself. AND - the counseling is helping! I am getting great advice.

I still yet cannot drive down the street of where the attacked happened and FOR SURE can't walk that way. I was able to finally walk Lily around my own block, even though I checked over my shoulder the ENTIRE time, but it was a huge first step! I had been driving her to a park about 10 minutes away to walk, as walking was apart huge part of our routine. 

I believe everything happens for a reason, and I'm not angry about this. And while it's been a very rough time for her and I, it could have been MUCH worse, it could have been a child, it could have been stronger dogs that attacked her and killed her, it could have been a smaller dog that got attacked and killed, etc. Yes, I get mad at those dogs when I care for her wounds or think of the attack, but Lily survived and is recovering really well! 

We were both watched over that day - thank you, Lord!

A blessing, really. <3

I welcome any thoughts and prayers for Lily and I :)

My Dear Friend Loyce

I had been having this feeling, a sense, tugging at me. Specifically about how my friend Loyce was doing.

Loyce is my childhood best friend. She is also the only person from my high school who I kept in touch with all these years. I have known her longer than any other friend.

I called her Mom, Mom, and she called my parents, Mom and Dad.  We would visit each others' homes like they were our own all through high school.

We were so close that at one point my parents sat me down and asked if we were "together" and if we were, that it would be okay. Back in the late 1980s, that was unheard of to be accepting of that, and I admire they wanted to talk to me about it, but no, we did not have that type of relationship. Loyce and I were best friends and more like the sister I never had. 

Why did they even ask me that? I had been buying things for her, little gifts or needs and when I bought something for myself, I would buy her something similar.  My family did not have a lot of money when I was growing up, and her family had even less money (way less). And as I would figure out later in life - I had started my routine early in life of buying things for loved ones as a way to show my love (this would turn into a very bad trait from my 20s to my mid 40s when I spent WAY too much on boyfriends buying their love, in lieu of "buying for loved ones" - which is for another blog discussion some day).

As teenagers, her and I had numerous, very funny but could-have-been-scary situations that we found ourselves in. Yes, some might have involved alcohol, one a tractor, a few about boys, but otherwise many great car rides and laughter in my little white Toyota Corolla for many years, riding around happy and free, invincible teenagers.

Her laugh was amazing and contagious. Her smile unforgettable! I never saw her get upset, I only remember miles of smile, laughter, and happiness. She held her head high when her brother was found murdered under a bridge (it was ruled a suicide but it was impossible to hold a shotgun that way, and the family knew it was murder), when her sister moved away, and when eventually her Mom passed. Her Mom also was pretty and had a beautiful smile and a great personality!

When I was in college, Loyce contacted me and shared she was a Mom! She shared an unbelievable story. She was having terrible pains one morning and thought maybe it was real bad constipation. But the pain got so bad, she went to the ER. Turns out she was in labor!  Very skinny girls or big girls eventually stop having their period and she hadn't had hers in years. Plus, she thought she could not get pregnant, but she did! Her and her long-time boyfriend were very happy! She also shared that when she was in the hospital, the other mothers there would talk about things such as waddling or a discoloration under the belly, etc - and she would exclaim, I had those, too! It was all making sense.  

Years later, eventually her daughter would give her two grand-babies. I was so happy Loyce had a loving family around her - the love her Mom had for her was very obvious and beautiful, and I was happy she had that as well. Loyce was a loving woman with a heart of gold. 

Here she is with her daughter, Shanice:

We used to write letters (remember those?) as I would eventually leave the hard, poor streets of San Antonio to go to college in College Station, Texas, then move to San Marcus, Texas for my job, then Jacksonville, FL for a promotion, and then finally to the Fort Worth area. She would add stickers all over the cards and letters, and always send photos along! Her style of keeping in touch was so cute!

Here is my FAVE photo of her that she sent me, when she worked at QVC. She is SO beautiful, right?:

Eventually, we turned to email and no more stickers, dang it, but we were able to keep in touch easier. And then of course FaceBook allowed us to see each other on the computer screen, as I didn't go to back San Antonio for any long enough stays to visit, I'm afraid.

Back to this tugging feeling. I am one of those people that when someone passes away, I can sometimes sense it in my soul and heart. I can't explain it at all. It's never a premonition, more of after someone passes away who is close to me, I can sense it. I feel a different sort of way. It's not even a feeling, just an overwhelm-ness, 

Unfortunately, this sense recently was about my childhood Loyce, and the feeling was true: she had passed away.

I don't venture on Facebook that much anymore, but last night decided to get online to see if she was okay. Instead, I discovered she had passed away on her 51st birthday, just last month.

I cried out loud, uncontrollably crying. I knew in my heart she had passed and it hurt so badly. I missed telling her one more time that I loved her.

Two years ago, Loyce went through a traumatic experience. Both of her legs had to be amputated due to diabetes. I cried and cried and was so distraught hearing that. Yet, in all her photos and messages, she was always upbeat, positive, happy, constantly smiling, and I never saw one single complaint! And she didn't shy away from going out with friends for special occasion (like her birthday - her friends showered her every year on her birthday!).

On Loyce's 50th birthday with her daughter, Shanice.

I know she is smiling in Heaven with our Moms! She is no longer suffering and in pain. And I can only imagine she hated to be taken care of her, and now she is in God's hands being free and smiling.

RIP Loyce. You will be missed beyond words.