Fleeing Vietnam - Heart Wrenching

I spent an hour one afternoon in May 2015 hearing absolutely amazing, sad, and shocking stories from two co-workers (not related) on how they risked their lives to leave Vietnam.

One fled in 1975 and the other in 1985.

Both had very harrowing stories of their escapes and it brings to light a lot of things we take for granted. They each showed up to America after a distraught trip over the ocean to islands where they lost relatives and then to refugee camps with ONLY the clothes on their back. And look where they are today!  In a great job.

As they said, "anything is possible." 

Sad to think some people sit on their butts all day and wont find a job, yet we have so much to offer and gain here in America!  I don't think many of us REALLY realize this.

To hear my coworkers had to flee, leave family behind, lose relatives on the trip, spend time in refugee camps for over a year, is heartbreaking, but inspiring.  But they also saw women being raped, seeing people die in the waters, or beaten on land.  Very sad times, and they didn't know if they would survive!

They have a few relatives left, that are still living (if you call it "living") in a communism country.  They send money home once a month.

Here is a link to Koh Kra "Hell on Earth:" http://www.refugeecamps.net/Kohkraintro.html

And here is another link of refugee camp that my coworker Dao was in: http://www.refugeecamps.net/GalangCamp.html

I am still in awe of the stories and how they had to leave.  Glad they made it!  But it's sad.

Paul, my other coworker, shared this via email with me:

There are a lot worsse stories of the Vietnamese boat people out there that might be never been told.  Below is the link of more stories.  You can read when you have time.

http://www.vietka.com/

 

Thank you for letting us sharing the journey how to escape from the Communist regime to the freedom land, USA.

Today's Thoughts

....captured perfectly.  Can I keep thinking this and not be hurt?

Candice Bergen on getting old Quote

"People complain about parts for women, people complain about getting old," Bergen told New York magazine in 2012. "It's a privilege to get old... The reality is that I don’t look like I used to look. I just don’t care enough, and in a way it’s saved me."

-Candice Bergen

Are You Worried? Eckhart Tolle Quote

Are you worried? Do you have many "what if" thoughts? The mind projects itself into an imaginary future situation and creates fear. There is no way you can cope with such a situation, because it doesn't exist. It's a mental phantom.

Ask yourself what "problem" you have right now, not next year, tomorrow, or five minutes from now. What is wrong with this moment? 

 --Eckhart Tolle

How You Word Things Has an Impact, from Zig Ziglar

Walking / Jogging for Health - How You Word Things Has an Impact

By Zig Ziglar

In 1972, I weighed well over 200 pounds and my career was moving ahead very, very slowly.  I decided I needed to do something about my weight and my health but, frankly, I didn’t realize that career and family benefits would also come my way.  I started jogging and eating sensibly, and though it took me about nine months to really get enthusiastic about my lifestyle change, results began to show within the first month.  The weight started dropping, my endurance and energy levels increased and, finally, after over nine months, the enjoyment breakthrough came.

I was in Portland, Oregon, jogging on Portland State University Campus.  It was “high noon” and I had a seminar to conduct later that day.  As I was jogging, it suddenly occurred to me that I was actually enjoying myself.  It was fun.  I was breathing easily and literally enjoying every step of my run.

That day I changed my vocabulary.  For years I’d been telling people with passion in my voice that you had to “pay the price” if you were going to be successful.  Today I tell people, “You don’t pay the price for success—you pay the price for failure.  You enjoy the benefits of success.  You don’t pay the price to build a good marriage; you enjoy the benefits of that good marriage.  You don’t pay the price for good health; you enjoy the benefits of good health.”

It’s amazing what the change in vocabulary can do for the enjoyment of what you do.  When I was in my 70’s my doctor, Dr. Ken Cooper, switched me from jogging to walking, I walked at a very brisk pace and, have maintained my weight and my energy level is unusually high.  My resting heart rate is 48, my cholesterol level is 152, and my blood pressure is 126 over 62.  That’s the reason I am convinced beyond any doubt that you really do enjoy the benefits of taking care of yourself.   Think about it.  Take care of you, and I’ll SEE YOU AT THE TOP!

Quote - Walk and Happiness

"A vigorous five-mile walk will do more good for an unhappy but otherwise healthy adult than all the medicine and psychology in the world."
        - Paul Dudley White 

Note From a Daughter

http://news.yahoo.com/note-mirror-cancer-12-year-old-girl-112745308.html

Father finds heartbreaking note from daughter days after she died of cancer.

Here are a few of her words:

Happiness depends upon ourselves.

Maybe it’s not about the happy ending, maybe it’s about the story.

The purpose of life is a life of purpose.

The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra. Happiness is a direction, not a destination.

Thank you for existing. Be happy, be free, believe, forever young.

You know my name, not my story.

You have heard what I’ve done, but not what I’ve been through.

Love is like glass, looks so lovely, but it’s easy to shatter.

Love is rare, life is strange, nothing lasts and people change.

Life is only bad if you make it bad.

Remember that life is full of ups and downs, without the downs the ups don’t mean anything.

I’m waiting to fall in love with someone I can open my heart to.

Love is not about who you can see spending your future with, it’s about who you can’t see spending your life without.

Life is a game for everyone, but love is the only prize.

Take Care of Yourself to be ble to Take Care of others

"You cannot be useful to yourself, others, or God if you run yourself ragged. In order to serve others, support others, give to others, you must first be able to serve, support, and give to yourself."

 I learned this through a friend of mine.  When my Mom first got sick, I was at my wits end.  And I wasn't doing very well.

One of my dear friends, Sharon, offered some advice.   She saw I wasn't healthy because I was so worried and taking care of my parents.

She said, "In order to take care of your Mom, you must take care of yourself.  Go walking.  Do anything.  Just do something for YOU.  You wont be able to take care of her if you are just running yourself ragged."

One of the best pieces of advice I've received being a caretaker.  Or even just wanting to help others in need. 

Validation

One of my friends and I had a conversation about validation.

I wanted to share it, so I remember it, too.

She said:   "I feel like too often you and I look for validation in other people... and understanding.  The truth is, other people don't put forth the effort we do.  And that comes off disappointing to us."

Well said.

Being Thankful Quote

“It’s so easy for us to focus on the negative things, but usually, the positive in your life outweighs that. And you have to just be thankful for what you have right now.”  -Paula Patton

This is a great quote. 

She is correct - it's difficult to do this type of thinking when you are depressed, because we can't think of anything but sorrow and sadness, but the positives normally do outweigh the negatives.  It's hard to be grateful when you are sad, but if you can look at the positives, you will see that they really do outweigh the negatives.

Speech For My Dad

I wrote recently that my Dad passed away.

After I planned to go to Virgina for his memorial, I was asked to speak at his memorial.

I can't begin to express how difficult it was. I broke down several times during the speech... but SOOOOO many people told me afterwards that I did great, I made them cry, made them laugh, and that I touched their hearts with my words. Several also said it brought them hope to reunite, or reminded them of their love for a loved one. Others even said they wish they had the strength to do what I did today. I think I made my Dad proud.

It's evident he touched many lives. A lot of his friends expressed how much he meant to them and how he impacted their lives. Makes ME proud.

Here is a pic of his wife, Henna, and I:

There were not many smiles that weekend, but I was able to still capture our bond.  We both adore one another so much.  We will both miss my Dad BEYOND WORDS.

Here is the speech, and I spoke very slow and deliberate, even though tears:  


Hello, 

My name is Melinda Bailey.   

But I am honored to tell you today that I was born Melinda Duncan. 

I am Rudy Duncan's daughter.

I can't begin to tell you how difficult it is for me to stand up here, as I have now buried my step Dad, my Mom, and now the one person I could always call….. my Dad.

I was born in Okinawa Japan.  The picture you see with the little girl on the shoulders of the young man in your program (I’ll let you find it, it's cute) was taken in 1970, and I was a mere 3 months old on my Dad’s shoulders.  I recently put that photo on Facebook and as one of my friends said, “Who is holding who?”  :)

Being a Duncan as a child, I was made fun of.  I do not know if there are Dunkin’ Donuts restaurants around here, but kids thought I spelled my name like “Dunkin’ Donuts.”  I used to have to tell them my name was spelled “Duncan, D-U-N-C-A-N” not like ‘dunking donuts.’  They didn’t even realize Dunkin’ Donuts was short for Dunking Donuts.  So no, it’s not spelled the same at all.  I think they just wanted free donuts, now that I think about it.

Although I was Melinda Duncan, to my Dad I was “Pooter Poot.”  I will let that sink in. .. yes, he called me Pooter Poot.  He gave me that nickname at a very, very young age.

I can only guess that I created a lot of diaper changes for him?

He called me “Pooter Poot” when I was little, obviously, but I have to admit he would use the same term of endearment in letters… cards… and on the phone in my teens.  And 20s…. 30s…. and…. yes in to my 40s.  

I don't remember a lot from my childhood with my Dad however the two things I remember most are he taught me tie my shoes!  Thank goodness.  And one time he came home from being overseas and I heard his voice in the house and I came running and running and running down the hall towards him and he leaned down right as I reached him and he swept me up and off my feet…. as he has continually done for the next 40 years.

As you all know already, he was a very genuine, funny, loving, amazing, man… father… husband…. friend…. and brother.  Anyone who he crossed paths with, they are the true lucky ones in life.  And blessed.

My Dad and I hadn’t seen each other in person at one point for 20 years, but thankfully we kept in touch through letters and phone calls.   

And when he and Henna came to visit me in Dallas around 2005, they were waiting at the Dallas Airport for me to pick them up.  And they waited.  And waited.  When I finally did show up to the terminal – they were the last people at the turn style.  Everyone else had picked up their bags and left and only my Dad and Henna were there sitting, waiting to be picked up.  It wasn't that I was late or got lost.  What happened was…. I was sitting in my car crying!  I was able to get out of the car 3 times, but I could never quite make it across the street without bawling.  I would have to run back to my car to try and compose myself.  

When I finally did walk in, Henna was trying to grab the camera to take pictures of my Dad and I “reuniting.”  She was shaking, I was shaking, we were all crying.  

 (pics from the airport that day)

My husband (at the time) loved to golf and as you all know, so did my Dad.  So my Dad was very excited he was able to bring his golf clubs to Texas and shoot a round.  While they golfed, Henna and I were able to bond.  And I have to say that in that one weekend, Henna created the confident woman you see standing in front of you today.  She has that much of an effect on people and I know that's one of the many… many… reasons why my Dad loved her very much.

That trip was the first time I met Henna, the love of his life.  Even though he talked about her all the time, I saw for myself just how special she was.
 
She is an inspiration to everyone she meets and she puts others before herself.  Prefect example: When I called her to talk about my Dad's passing (which obviously was very tough on both of us), she mostly talked about how much he loved me.  I'm still shocked as I stand in front of you all, that she talked about his love for ME, when she in fact, lost the love of her life. 
 
I had to interrupted her and tell her my Dad told me how much she meant to him; he told me all the time. I think we can all agree there's no Rudy without Henna. The two go hand in hand. And my Dad told me on many occasions that she pretty much saved him, and helped him become a strong, able, Christian man. He told me a strong woman was needed to be by his side in order for him to become a good man.  And Henna was the ONLY woman who was strong enough.

Facebook is an interesting piece of technology.  My Dad had a Facebook account (luckily) and he told me in an email in December, “I’m REALLY glad that I have Facebook.  I can see you every day.”  I had no idea he was keeping up with me (or was it stalking?) but it sure was sweet when he would comment on a post or picture, because it meant the world to me to see he was keeping up with me.

I looked up one of his letters before coming here to VA this weekend.  He wrote this particular letter back in 1993.  He said at one point in it, “I used to pick you up from day care on my motorcycle and you were so proud.  You had your own helmet and were the envy of all the other children in the school.”

I have to tell you, I was proud every single day of my life, that he was my Dad.

I’m going to miss my Dad’s voice and his advice.  He was THE one person I could call when I needed help and he would just magically offer sincere and understanding advice.  As I reflect back, I realize now I didn’t call him FOR advice, just to tell him what I was going through, what was going on, and then he would offer words of encouragement and sweet knowledge every single time.  
 
I will miss him dearly.  

I was very lucky that my birthday was just earlier this month in February. My Dad called me on February 6th and as soon as I answered the phone, I heard him singing happy birthday to me. However the 6th is not my birthday.  I interrupted him in the middle of his singing, and told him, “Dad, Dad it's not my birthday. “  He started laughing and he asked so sweetly and innocently, “did I mess it up again?”   We both laughed and we both still wondered why he would always think my birthday was the 6^th.  He did this for years, BTW; he always thought it was the 6th.

Three days later, on February 9^th, my Dad called me again. He was singing me happy birthday and I couldn't help but smile because he had called me back (on the correct day). We chatted on both calls, and like he always did, he gave me great advice on some things I'm going through. 

So I was very lucky that I was born in February, back in 1970, back in Okinawa Japan, so I could hear my dad's voice twice this month before his passing.

The way my dad told me “I love you” was so sincere and genuine.  I swear the way he said it would make Angles flutter and God smile with delight.

The last thing my Dad said to me on that second call, was, "I love you very much, Pooter Poot." 

I love, you too, Dad.

Appalachian Trail Trip September 2014

In photos to remember:

Gift of Tough Times

I personally think a lot of the tough things I have had to go through in my life is solely to be able to help others in the future who would go through similar situations. If you think about it, tough times can truly be a gift. It may not seem like it at the time (obviously), but to be able to help others and resonate with them during difficult times because you can deeply relate, is truly an amazing thing.

Find Happiness in Everyday Life

I saw a public speaker in January.  His name is Gen Jampa.  He is a Buddhist.  And it was probably the most beneficial, helpful, inspiring talks I have ever had the privileged to witness.  And it came at the most perfect time in my life!

It was held at the Dallas Art Museum, on a day I should have been playing in a women's pool tournament.  This became BY FAR more important than playing pool all day in smokey pool room.  It was life changing for sure. 

Why it was life changing probably wont come out clearly through this blog entry, but I hope it does.

"Desire, a Healthy Perspective."
From the written program:  "when it comes down to it, we do what we wish to do.  Consequently, our desires are a very powerful force.  So it is essential to investigate:  Do our present aspirations actually lead us to a healthy and fulfilling life?"

Here are my scribble notes from his talk:

Find happiness in everyday life.

Recognize unhealthy desires, to "stop" them.

Desire, wish, aspiration.  All the same thing.

Recognize healthy desires so I can do more of them!

Wishes arrive in the mind.

We have wishes all day long, but all revolve around:

1. That we aspire to be happy, 
2. We wish to be free from unhappiness.

Happiness and suffering are an emotion, which is INSIDE!  The cause is inside, not an external dependent.

Learn to be developmental, and that internal peace is the true source of happiness.

Peaceful mind = happiness within ourselves.

Inner peace is different than temporary sense pleasures.

Pleasure are different than happiness.  Pleasures turns into pain (too many thin mints, for example)

Temporary sense pleasures are not happy, not lasting happiness.

True happiness is peace.

Peaceful desire is not desiring things external that make us temporarily happy.

Attachment to an external object is not true happiness.

Pleasures are not true happiness.

Don't keep indulging in those behaviors to addictions and bad behaviors. 

Indulge without restraint; they are bad and not true happiness.

Potential for so much more than temporary happiness and pleasures.  Controlled desire leads to true happiness.

Develop a mature desire.

Improve inner peace.  (one example: mediation).

Improve ourselves internally.

My Dad, Rudy Duncan.

My Dad, Rudy Duncan passed away on Monday, Feb 16th.

His wife called me from his phone and left a vm early the next morning.

When I finally spoke to her, she was very, very much in pain and wailing from her loss.  It was heartbreaking, and I was crying with her.

She told me over and over again how much he loved me.  I am still shocked how she talked more about his love for me, than her loss.

 My Dad and his beautiful wife, Henna.

After hearing about how he passed (aneurysm) and how much he loved me so much and talked about me ALL the time, I finally was able to interrupt her and tell her that he loved her unconditionally and that he told me several times that he stayed with her because she was strong enough for them both.  He always told me he needed a strong woman in his life to help him with the tough things in his life, and then along came his wife, Henna.

They would have been married 32 years this Summer.

I was suppose to see him in April, when I was to go to Virginia for a trip for work.  Henna said he was already making all these plans for us.  ;(

Here is my Dad and I when I was 3 months old:

My Dad wrote to me just in December, "am REALLY glad that I have facebook.  I can see you everyday.
I Love You, Dad"

He told me several times that he liked facebook because of that.  He didn't comment much, but he checked my page everyday he said.

Luckily my birthday was just last week.  While he always calls me on Feb 6th (not my birthday), he called me back again on the correct date (February 9th) so I was able to talk to him twice recently.  I always laughed when he would call on the 6th - he's done that for YEARS for some reason not remembering it's the 9th, lol.  We both would laugh about it. 

My Dad did love me very much.  As did my Mom.  I am very sad and in shock that he is actually really gone.  I could call him at any time, and now there is no one left to call.

He and I were separated for 20 years - he gave me the space I requested - my Mom was too upset that we were talking so I asked for his help that we not contact each other until college.  While we kept in touch through cards, (even though he was a procrastinator and didn't send many cards, he still thought of me every day), I hadn't seen him for many, many years.  In 2005, we decided to meet up and it had been 20 years since I last saw him.

We were both a mess "meeting" each other again but it was the best, most memorable visit I have with him.  We hadn't talked as adults, really, before that.

We then kept in touch and he gave me great advice the next 9 years.  I only saw him a couple more times, so that's why this upcoming April visit was so special to us both.  ;(

I miss him so much and now wish I had spent more quality time with him.  He truly loved me so dearly and so much and I am hearing he talked about me all the time.  And he was GREAT man.

As I matured, I found I had the same good characteristics and personalty he had.  

My Dad told me once he enjoyed reading this blog.  And enjoyed to read about the woman that I had become.  He said he actually suggested certain blog entries to his colleagues b/c they could be so helpful.  All the feedback from him meant so much to me.

I wish we had more photos together.  All the ones I have I'm mostly a little child.  He taught me how to tie my shoes - I don't remember too much more (my parents divorced when I was 7 years old).

I will miss him SO MUCH!!!     This is all so extremely painful.....

I love you, Dad,
Your Pooter Poot,
Always

Ever Miss Yourself?

I saw the above quote on FB a few weeks ago.  Got me thinking.

You know what, I DO miss myself.

I'm TIRED of being depressed and sad and miserable.  I'm tired of the heartache.

I miss the old me.

The girl who used to smile more often.  Who was grateful.  Who had some purpose in life, even if it was a little.

I hardly ever smile now.  Ever laugh.  Ever be, I dunno, even somewhat happy.


I want to smile again.  I actually WANT to stop being so numbingly sad and pathetic.

Really....

Love Lost

Remembering love lost, is like thinking about past bad drunk nights.

You unfortunately only remember the good times, not the bad times that should make you realize how horrible it was.

All those mornings you wake up, "OMG I'm never drinking again."  And then somehow, your brain doesn't remember that as you go back out only a week or so later and REPEAT.

Lost love is the same way.

We have to force ourselves to remember all the bad times of a relationship, because it's easier and let's face it, more enjoyable, to think of the good times.

When instead, we need to remember how bad we were treated.  How many times we cried.  How many times we were treated horribly.

Come on brain - remember all those horrible times we were treated so badly and cried SO many times at work!

Tony Robbins Quotes - Good Ones

Some thoughts stuff from Tony Robbins (I really loves these btw):

Sometimes, not getting what you want can be the most valuable experience of your entire life. ‪

Remember, whatever you consistently think about and focus upon, you move toward.

And most important:

Every moment you live in the past is a moment you waste in the present.

Wish I Was Stronger

Last night I was at a seminar and two of the speakers talked about losing a family member.

When the seminar concluded, everyone was walking out and the speakers were standing near the door.  I wanted SO badly to thank the two for sharing their stories, and for being brave to talk in front of the group about their loss, but I could NOT speak without bawling, so I didn't say anything to them.

I was so mad at myself all the drive home (as I cried), wishing I had more strength to say even the little words from my mouth to them, "thank you."

But, I knew I would start bawling.  I was already crying from the THOUGHT of saying something to them.  Yes, I was in line to walk out with tears rolling down my cheeks.

I wish I wasn't so scared to cry in front of strangers.

I think they would have loved to be thanked, and even to know someone understands their loss.

I slammed my fist on the steering wheel, crying, so upset with myself.  I wanted so badly to turn around, even!

I remember back in about 1985 or so, when I was a teenager, my Grandmother passed away.  At her funeral, we were all in the church and the pastor asked us, if we wished, to stand up and say something about her.

I tried SO hard to stand up and speak.  I wanted to!!  But I could not.  :(  I knew I would only bawl.  I knew I would not be able to get my words out without crying.  My heart was hurting so badly.  My chest was sore, my throat was dry, and tears were flowing.  And I could not speak.  I just sat there bawling.

I remember so vividly my Dad standing up at one point and he spoke about her.  As I look back, I see now JUST HOW DIFFICULT that had to of been for him.  He held back his tears, talked so amazingly about his Mom, and honored her so wonderfully.  But I didn't realize of course at the time just how brave that was of him.  It was his Mom.  He loved her.  It was painful.  She was gone.  :(

When the casket was moved to the car, I walked up to it and rested my hand on it and spoke to her softly and cried.  I walked away to my parents, and then raced back up to it to touch it again and say goodbye.

However, I wish I could control my tears enough to speak UP more.  Speak out through my tears, anyway!

I think last night the speakers would have loved to have heard that they were appreciated and how I could relate with their losses.  And I know my Grandma Bailey's friends and family would have loved to have heard my words about my loving Grandmother.

Worry Quotes

Worrying about the unknowns, the fear of the unknowns is a BEAST.  Mostly, worrying about things that may or may not occur in the future can be paralyzing.  And consume you.  And make you not want to live fully in the present because you are worrying about something that may or may NOT happen/occur.