Hadn't Seen One in Years

I saw a shooting star on Sunday night while I was driving. WOW! Hadn't seen one in years; can't remember the last time I saw one, actually.

Did I make a wish? I don't think so. I was talking on the phone and said, "OMG, I just saw a shooting star" and quickly thought, "I should make a wish..." and then it fell behind some trees.

It truly was beautiful; it was a wonderful surprise; a nice way to end my weekend.

I used to stare at the night's sky when I was young. Back then, less lights around and the sky was so pitch black - you could even see the satellites moving slowly across the blackness, amidst all the stars. Something that will always be a cherished memory.

New Year 2009

It's a new year - survived another! The holidays were blah, but they are over now. I don't make New Year Resolutions - they always get broke. I might make some goals with details how to achieve those goals (which is key in setting goals), but might not. Who knows.

Happy New Year!

Online Poker

Been playing online poker for a week now. A lot of fun! Not only am I playing in lots of cheap tournaments, I also watch my friends play (you can observe tables -pretty neat!). Yea, I'm new to this, lol.I currently in my longest game - been playing for 4 hours! I usually don't last more than 25 minutes, lol.

Some Men Are Pigs

I just went to get water from the water cooler at work and it was empty (yet again). I put my empty cup down loudly and took the empty bottle off. As I rolled the full bottle to the canister holder, a male co worker walks by me..... and just keeps walking.

A female coworker sees me and offers to help and I reply, "I'm too pissed, I can do it" as I lift the heavy sucker waist high and put it on the canister holder.

What is it with some men who refuse to help women? What is it with men like this?!?!? He is known for not treating women "right" so I shouldn't be surprised but damn, I am livid right now!!

So, the 5 gallon water jug is now on the canister, lifted by my bad back.

Christmas Eve, too. WOW - this man shocks me!

Words to Live By - The Four Agreements

Below is something a friend shared with me about a year ago. Last night, another friend reminded me of it and so I looked it up today. This is AWESOME! Read closely; fully absorb:

The Four Agreements

1. Be Impeccable With Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don't Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

It's Rude Not to Spell It Out

Why do people insist on shortening Christmas with an X then adding "mas." I don't even want to spell it out for this blog entry - that how uncouth I think it is!

Christmas is ABOUT Christ. CHRIST should not be removed from Christmas!!

BTW, it's my top pet peeve!

Christmas Candy Reminder

Whatever you do, when you choose the candy to put out for Christmas, don't put in the bowl ANY type that you will eat yourself!

The Snickers Christmas-themed candy is now all gone from the bowl in my office. :(

Not My Good Foods

What is it about other people's good food? If I buy apples, grapes, oranges or carrots, I wont eat them. If I go to work and someone gives me a carrot or piece of an orange, I grab it up like hotcakes!

Just tonight, I grabbed an apple from the big bowl at the hotel (I'm out of town for work) and ate an apple for the first time probably in 3 years.

I can have wilting grapes in the fridge, old carrots, and cold apples in my fridge for weeks. Never to be eaten, to eventually just need to be thrown away.

Yet let me find carrots with ranch dressing on a veggie tray at a group meeting and I'm all over it! Grabbing more than I should and even go back for more.

Weird...

Edited to add: in the morning after I wrote this I had diarrhea... so I guess my body didn't like that apple!!! I guess my body definitely isn't used to good foods, LOL!

My Sweet Experience

My Mom wanted me to buy her some sweet potatoes when I went grocery shopping for us. I walk over, grab what looks like a sweet potato, but it says "Yam" on the sign. I look confused, I look around, I look some more at the funny looking things in front of me.

Sweet Potato

Yam

While I don't like or eat (or ever tasted) sweet potatoes or yams, I'm pretty sure this is a sweet potato.

I ask a very striking, early 30-something, tall black woman, "are these sweet potatoes?" She looks at me like it was my first time in this part of the grocery store. She looks at me, then the things in front of me, as I point to the sign and she replies with no emotion and possibly sympathy for me, "yes, sweet potato."

I pick out several small ones, per Mom's request.

I check out in the "self check out" lane for the first time in many months b/c the other lanes are long, I am tired, and I have less than 20 items or so.

At the point of grabbing the bag of small yams, I choose the "Y" from the menu on the screen for fruits/vegetables to beat them at their own game - they can't fool me anymore! But I don't see Yams listed!! I am now amused with myself and choose "S"... and now no Sweet Potatoes are listed! I am now thoroughly confused but somehow (almost unconsciously) decide to search "P" and many choices of potatoes show up, one of them Sweet Potatoes!

I race home, cuz I am real tired and sick of arguing with Wal Mart pharmacy idiots and also arm wrestling the damn "self" photo printer in the store.

I search for yam photos and sweet potato photos for this blog entry and found this GREAT blog explanation!!

Enjoy: http://eatingbirdfood.wordpress.com/2008/08/22/sweet-potato-vs-yam/

Death hits home in weird ways

A coworker who lives in Florida found out she had cancer. She was doing chemo for several years and was told it was in remission.

She had been emailing me off and on to see how I was doing with the divorce, my Mom being in the hospital, my Dad passing away, etc. all the while going through tough times herself.

Here's an email from April 2008 she sent me:

I didn't want to make you cry. I'm sorry!!! You need a vacation - something fun. I need one too. Even tho we did go 4wheeling in the Everglades a few weeks ago. That was a blast! We rode 22 miles on trails, saw some deer and got swooped by an owl.

Some days I am pretty sore. Just achy. My husband is a trooper for putting up with me. My boss is too! What gets me mad is I am not able to do what I used to do. But everyday I think what a beautiful day and do what I can. Mostly just try to keep my customers happy and my house clean. For the most part they are really great guys = and they always act so
happy to see me. I can't believe I've been here almost 4 years. And we just finished unpacking last week. A lot of stuff went to Goodwill - and there's more to go.

I must go be busy now.
-Peggy

I heard from her again in June, then July. Then September 2nd comes and I get a call from her boss who sends me this email she sent him:

Hello Rusty,
Its time you know that my condition has taken a terrible turn for the worse. I have been advised to get my affairs in order and to call in hospice. Even with all of the treatments, the cancer has suddenly recurred with a vengeance and is shutting down my body. I had one course of chemo option left available but weighing the odds have opted not to go that route.

I have some sick leave which I will use up, then my annual leave. I would like to talk to someone about my retirement and need a point of contact.

My customers are pretty much self sufficient. Steve (husband) will take me to the
office to tidy up and fasten up loose ends. I pretty much have a SOP done for office routine and a contact list that will be essential for my replacement.
I know you've been through this before, and I am counting on you and your secretary to help Steve with the paperwork process. Hes always been really bad with paperwork...

I wanted to tell you this in person, but a drive to Miami is too much for me now.

There is no cure for cancer, treatment only prolongs the agonizing pain that accompanies it.

-Peggy

To hear the news was brutal, to read her words, worse. To read the last sentence, heartbreaking.

A week later, I get a Thank You card from her:

Melinda,
Rusty told me you had nominated me for the Improvement Award. That was REALLY nice of you - I was totally surprised - thank you!

It's great that someone noticed (you) that I'd been trying really hard to increase the numbers. I think I built a bit of camaraderie with quite a few customers. and I hope that that continues on.

On September 9th, we get this email from her boss:

I know with Hurricane Ike apparently headed for Texas somewhere you are extremely busy but I wanted to send an update on Peggy. She is at home still, but extremely swollen because her liver cannot do its function for her body, and hospital people must come to drain the fluids. She is not mobile at present, I do not expect her to return to work, at least not anytime soon. She has about 10 weeks of sick leave/annual leave combined, but I am working on getting her on the leave donor program.

I spoke to her on September 10th - she wasn't very talkative but trying...and she assured me she was on lots of pain medicine.

On September 12th, I came in to work, a year ago that my Dad passed, and read in an email that Peggy had passed earlier that morning.

To say I was shocked is an understatement. One Sept 2nd she told us her doctors told her to get her affairs in order. In less than two weeks, she was gone.

What hit home even worse was when they sent a photo around that would accompany her bio. I have never met Peggy in person. Tell me her death doesn't hit home when you see this photo of her; it makes it more real:




BTW, Peggy had a grandson born on September 23rd. Their first grandchild! Peggy was 50 years old when she passed.

Time Change

Time change occurred last night. The sun is already going down and it's not even 6 o'clock! I hate this time of year... it's already tough for me to get up in the mornings, so when my body slowly gets out of bed in the morning, it feels like it's an hour earlier than all Summer... which makes me more tired. Damn the luck of the cold winter air and less sunlight in the evenings. :(

UGH!

The Psychic Experience

One of the recent items I've added to my "List of Things I Want to Experience/Do" was to go to a psychic. I hadn't really been interested before, but my friend Sherry has been talking for the past couple of years about these two really good ones she has come across, so it has peaked my interest more than usual.

I go to Silver Spring, Maryland for work the week of October 20th and Sherry lives within a two hours drive and I make plans to stay over a day to see her new place and spend some time with her. We also plan to visit one of the psychics she likes so much!

Sherry is very excited for me but I am a little nervous what the woman will say.... and I admit, I'm also a little skeptical.

I go in for the $50 half hour session and she asks why I am there and tell her honestly, "I've wanted to go to a psychic but wanted to find a reputable one and Sherry told me about you." She explains right away she doesn't give 'bad news' so already I feel better, but I am still a little shy around new people.

After reading a few cards, she says I am "closed" and no letting energy out and she can't read me too well. I guess she says this because I don't relate to the things she is telling me. I deliberately (as you are suppose to) not give away a lot and let her talk as she asks every once in a while, "does this make sense to you?" I guess in a way........ she was asking if any of what she was saying rings a bell about my life. I say "no" to most of the things the first 15 minutes and we both kind of giggle at the experience but she says again I am "closed" and "hard to read." All the while I really want to hear if she gets things right!

The first set of cards is just for me, i.e. about me only.

The next set of cards was specifically for relationships. I finally let out a few things about my Mom and she gives her "opinion" or "advice" based on the new set of cards she is using. The "relationships" cards was a much better experience. Her topics/advice/senses would focus around what card she flipped over at the moment.

She did get many things right about my relationship with my Mom but overall not correct. She did mention at one point "your ex husband" and I had not even mentioned I was married, so that was cool!

I asked about my current male relationship (a guy named Keith I see every once in a while from Shreveport) but I thought her responses were more related to Tony (my ex husband) than my "new little friend."

She did suggest some things about my Mom and I will take those to heart - it's good advice.

Overall, I was not impressed and thought she was more grasping at things she "felt" about me and my Mom. I also think she gives advice or suggestions, kind of like a therapist-type person would do.

I am glad I did it and may do it again some time - again with a reputable, recommended person, - just for another experience. I hear it takes a couple of times with a good person for them to "sense" you better. Sherry even said the first reading with this woman didn't go well but the subsequent ones were much better.

I did like the woman very much.

Oh, and I thought it was pretty cool I was able to take notes - 30 minutes of info is a lot of things to try and remember!

Nine Year Liquid Drought Ended

I haven't drank alcohol since August 1999. I remember the night/day like it was yesterday. I drank throughout my 20s and drank too much, quite honestly.

I made some rules for myself to be "responsible." I didn't drink under three scenarios:

1. If I had to work the next day,
2. If I had a pool tournament the next day,
3. And I wouldn't drink or drive.

Since my boyfriend at the time was always out of town, I didn't have many chances to drink b/c I was always drove myself to the pool hall or pool tournaments.

Well, in August 1999, I was in Las Vegas to see my boyfriend play in a pool tournament. I wasn't playing pool, didn't have to go to work, nor do I drive in Vegas (cabs everywhere), so I drank! Since I hadn't drank in a while, the alcohol hit me rather hard and I drank WAY too much.  Way...  :(

As I flew home that early afternoon of the next day, I was still drunk and called my dear friend June who suggested I shouldn't drink anymore.

That was the last day I drank alcohol...

Until... Oct 18, 2008.

I was at a tournament and after my last match of the night on Saturday night, I walked by this guy i was seeing and took a sip of his soda, but it was spiked. I couldn't believe it! I kind of stood there in shock as I watched my friends take shots. I piped up and said I would take a shot, being bold, but they didn't hear me. I dared them again and this time they heard me! They got excited and even hugged me! We took out the Captain Morgan Spiced Rum and we took a shot. Everyone had a chaser but me - what's the big deal? I used to drink Jack straight!

I got dropped off at my hotel, stayed up with my full tummy, was online for about an hour or more and then went to sleep. I was hoping I wouldn't be hung over in the morning, after all, I had a 9am match and hadn't drank in 9 years, but went to sleep around midnight.
I woke up just fine, got ready for my tournament and proceeded to snap that bitch off!!! (that's a story for another blog)

So, I wasn't hung over, but told a few friends (and even my Mom) that I had drank and they were just as shocked as I was with the words coming out of my mouth. While I felt I "held" my liquor well that night, I sure did want more and more shots. That's my weakness - don't want to stop. EEeeek!

So, will I drink again? I think so. I think I will. :(

Sleep (Deprived )

I haven't slept too well since July. I'd go to my bed, get in bed, and lay there for hours and hours, thinking and thinking, and not falling asleep. Waking up a lot in the middle of the night, thinking some more.

I finally started to take some Tylenol PM so I would FALL asleep. I would definitely sleep, but my body didn't FEEL like it slept. The nights I didn't want to take that, I'd take some Percogesic. I don't think that helps, but it makes me THINK it helps. At tournaments, I'd take Alka Seltzer Plus - that always worked in the past to help me sleep AND ward off ailments from all the smoke and germs from the pool room.Well, this week it's happened - I slept! For three nights in a row, I have had dreams for the first time in months! They weren't anything special, but I finally FELT like I had a good nights sleep AND had dreams - both a GREAT sign. :)

I hope this keeps going. I hate to take pills. And I do love sleep. I haven't slept past 830am on a day off since I can't even remember...... maybe a year?

What does that feel like? To SLEEP IN? At this point, I'm not complaining....because.... at least I am sleeping this week! Yay! Cross your fingers for me to make it last. :)

Weekends

My weekends are special times for me.

Sometimes I go out of town and the WHOLE weekend is taken up. I leave on a Friday evening come back late on a Sunday night. The whole weekend, gone, but yet the time away necessary for my soul. A little mini-vacation.

But, depending on what I am doing over the weekend depends on how much I do in the evenings the following week. Running a tournament all weekend is EXHAUSTING. Just playing in a tournament is tiring, but not exhausting. Going out just one night of the weekend (like to a casino on a Friday night or a Saturday night tourney) is not too bad, but turns my two-day weekend into one day of laziness and that leaves only a one-day weekend left.

The weekends I stay home completely, I fill with early morning movies, practice and errands and then doing things around the house. Those are awesome times!

Each weekend has its own special touch, though. A good practice; a good movie; accomplishing tasks; taking risks and trying something new, different, and out of the ordinary for me; playing in a tournament and adding to my arsenal by absorbing learning experiences; spending time with my Mom; volunteering at billiard events; working on websites, and yes, sometimes just doing "nothing" (which is a rare occurrence).

Sometimes I go out of town and do something non-pool related but that is not very often and is usually associated with a trip for work.

So, my weekends are pretty much defined as just three types. Either:

Refueling,
Mini-Vacation,
Or
Accomplishing tasks (which is a never ending invisible list of things to do at home, outside the home, and online, LOL).

And EACH type of weekend is so different from the other, yet each type is still so very special to me. Each one I cherish and embrace and love. Each one has its own significance and reason for helping me live the life I live.

I am truly blessed.

It's That Time of Year

Summer is over.... Fall is in the air, the air feels cooler on my skin. What does this all mean to me?

It means the sun will not be out as long in the evenings. It means it wont be as hot outside. It means I will be unhappy!

I LOVE the Summer! I LOVE the heat! I LOVE that it's so stinking hot that everyone hates to walk, while I LOVE to work in the yard and get some sun, increase those endorphins, and sweat!

I will miss the Summer. I will try and make the most of it. Will I wake up sooner and take advantage of that sunset I see through my little bathroom window every morning when I have to empty my bladder an hour or more before the alarm goes off? I don't know.

All I do know is... it saddens me. I am finally lifting out of my depression and now I have to fight the urge to not form a fist and hit Fall square in the jaw!

I just hope my depression stays at bay. Sometimes I can't control that...

Okay, I will open my eyes to Fall/Winter... I know my Mom will love to have central heat for the first time in her life, just like she has enjoyed central air conditioning for the first time in her life this past Summer.

For those that love Fall/Winter - imagine me sticking my tongue out at you! LOL!

One Year Sad Anniversary

One year ago today, Sept 14th, my Dad passed away. We found him in his room, my Mom and I. Our lives were immediately turned upside down and we honestly haven't been the same since.
I love my Dad and I miss him oh so much. I talk to him often and can tear up easily when I think of him.

On Friday, I considered it the anniversary because he passed away this weekend on that Friday early morning, but today - Sept 14 - is the date of his passing.

I stayed home today and am working around the house. I didn't go see a movie, run an errand or practice. I stayed home. I don't know if my Mom noticed, but I am glad I stayed home today. I put his hospital bed in one of the upstairs bedrooms of my Mom and I's new house, along with some of his other things. I call it "Dad's room" when I need to tell my Mom where I put the Christmas paper or the extra cords.

I have my suitcases in there and every time I go off somewhere, that's where I pack all my things - around his spirit. He always wanted me to be safe.

I wonder why none of his relatives have emailed me today. Wonder how my Mom is handling today as I go about my business moving some things around and working on the internet and taking a nap. It's actually very beautiful outside - the sunny sky left over from the remnants of Ike.

My Dad wouldn't have been outside, but he would be following all the juicy talk about the candidates!! He would love to talk about what is going on! He would be on the internet or playing with his loving dog or watching tv. I would be going to see them next weekend in San Antonio.

I don't think of what ifs, I'm not that type of person. All I know is my Dad helped me become who I am today. I am grateful. Although sad and shocked of his passing, I know everything happens for a reason and his death will make me a stronger woman - a strong woman is someone he wanted me to be.

I hope you are proud of me, Dad. I wonder that a lot. I really do love you and miss you.

Love,
Melinda
aka Smallperson Bailey the 1st

What Happened to Me?

I am not sure how to describe this.... but here I go:

I used to be the type of person who had a list for everything. I LOVED lists! I even saved lists, so I could look at them later and see how much I accomplished. I never crossed out items, rather, I'd put a defining check mark next to the item. I felt like a line through an item meant "now I need to ignore it" - instead, I wanted to be able to read clearly all the items I completed and that is why a check mark was a successful indication for me. :)

I also used to pay attention to Birthdays that were listed on my calendar. I would write a short email or maybe even send a card for Birthdays.

Ever since my Mom got sick and then my Dad passed (2007), and moving out of a house and getting a divorce (Feb 08), moving into an apartment (Feb 08), moving my Mom from her house and moving both of us into a new house (April 2008), you'd think I would need lists EVEN more to get things done. Instead, I haven't written a list in over a year. I see Birthdays listed on my calendar and the glance quickly turns into nothing. I don't remember a Birthday again until I happen to see it a few days later on the calendar. I say to myself, "oh shit, I missed another Birthday. What should I do now?"

I usually don't do anything still. I shrug, feel bad for a little bit, think of the email or text I would really like to send, and then the thought goes away again.

I have no idea how I am accomplishing anything without my lists. Are things getting done? I guess so. Are important items being missed? I don't know. I could grab my list and tell you, IF I had one!

I used to love my lists. I guess the death of a loved one makes one see it's okay to not care about lists. It's okay if things fall off the radar. And, for some wild and weird and crazy reason, all the important things were still accomplished without those supposedly can't-live-without-lists.

I'm talking about closing on two houses in one week. Coordinating two moves. Shutting down services in a house and an apartment and starting new services at a new location. I'm talking about taking care of not only my own bills and new bills, but the bills my parents had. I'm talking about taking care of two cars now on my own. I'm talking about all the doc appts for both my Mom and I.

How is all of this being done without my lists!?!? Oh well, I know "list making" is part of one's personality - does that mean death can change a personality?

And what about those Birthdays? My own Birthday means so much to me - it's the best day in the world for all my friends (LOL) and of course my parent's Birthdays are special b/c without them I woulnd't have been born on Feb 9th. But, I really do care about all my friends Birthdays and think they are very special days, I just don't seem to have enough mental energy to send that special email or card.

I don't know what is wrong with me.

Dag Nabit!

I found another pair of those jeans, bought a size smaller and THEY FIT! Woo-hoo! So, I went to Wally World a week later to get another pair in a different shade, and they don't have my size!!!

Thank you Madonna

My Dad didn't like Madonna too much, but I sang my little heart out in my car or in my room when I was in my teens and 20s to her uppity, very popular songs. I enjoy Madonna's music; I'm not afraid to admit it, either!

Someone who I cared about hurt me. So, when I practiced this past week and weekend with my ipod, and when I did yard work with my ipod, I decided to listen to Madonna's Immaculate Collection, instead of my usual pool playlists. My playlists are too tough to listen to right now. Too "raw" (which is usually a word people use to explain that not enough time has passed).

Thank you, Madonna. Your songs were upbeat, amazing, and allowed me to not think - just sing and enjoy the sounds and passion in your voice. It was much needed and it was much appreciated.