Don't Take It Personal - Tips

German writer, Johann Wolfgang von Goethe said, "For many people, one of the most frustrating aspects of life is not being able to understand other people's behavior." If that's true then we'd all be less frustrated if we could understand behavior.

There is a way to do that, as Annette Estes write in her eBook, "From Can't Stand to Understand - How to Handle Difficult People."

Below are 3 of her 7 steps that I severely need as reminders to improve my own sanity when I am getting upset and frustrated by others.  You can read the entire 7 steps here, but the 3 below were the most helpful to me. 

I've bolded the parts that resonate with what I am going through; and need reminders for to remain sane and to keep my mind from running out of control with animosity, frustration, hurt, and stupid, negative thoughts spiraling like an out of control roller coaster.

5. Don't Take Bad Behavior Personally

No one likes to be chewed out, criticized, ignored, or otherwise mistreated. While we shouldn't allow people to treat us badly, we need to understand where people are coming from and realize they're behaving in the way that's most comfortable for them.

If you're the type who likes to talk things out, ad nauseum, and you're dealing with someone who's uncomfortable showing their emotions it can make both of you unhappy. We should set clear boundaries with people about what they may and may not say or do around us. Yet we shouldn't accuse people during conflict. Don't say, "You make me so angry when you won't talk to me." Use "I" messages. Say, "It makes me uncomfortable when you won't open up to me; I feel you're ignoring me and it's hurtful." That takes the pressure off of them and they'll be more open to listening to you and changing their behavior.

Adopt the attitude that if someone has a problem with you it's their problem, not yours, and don't get all bent out of shape about it. Moliere said, "A wise man is superior to any insults which can be put upon him, and the best reply to unseemly behavior is patience and moderation." Good advice.

6. Adapt to Other People's Styles

The way to improve communications with others is to do three things: Understand your own behavioral style, understand the styles of people who are different from you, and adapt your style to theirs. If you treat people the way they like to be treated, they'll warm up to you and treat you better. The real magic begins when both people adapt their communication styles to each other. This formula is great for developing better personal relationships and for team building.

7. Be Non-Judgmental

Oscar Wilde said, "Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live." When you think about it, it's egotistical to get upset with someone for just being who they are, even when they're not on their best behavior. People generally aren't trying to upset you; they're doing what they feel is best for them, which most of the time is moving toward pleasure or away from pain.

Inspirational Video

A Good Day.  My friend Phil was correct - this is a very good video for when you need a pick-me-up or a reminder to live every day as the Present.

Clip of Comedian Anjelah Johnson

This chick is pretty funny!

Found an Awesome Letter

I was going through some things the other day and found a letter my Dad wrote me.  I took him to see Transformers a few months before his unexpected death; he wrote me this note after we saw the movie together.  I scanned it so I will never forget it.

What Happy Does

I am going through mixed emotions.  My Mom is not doing well and has been in and out of the hospital for 6 weeks now.  At the same time, I have been seeing a new guy.  I feel for him, because right now he is having to deal with an emotional woman who has a lot going on in her life.

But, yesterday I had a "good" day.  After I saw Mom in the hospital, I went to see a movie, and then ran errands, and accomplished some tasks. 

I noticed as I went on about my day that I was happier than normal.  When I am really happy, I talk more to strangers, I am not as "elusive," and I talk back to people talking to me instead of trying to not engage in convo.

I've always been told I have a great personality, I just don't always show it to its full extent sometimes.  I hide it, I guess.  And don't let it shine when I am down or busy or tired or to people I don't know.

I gotta be careful, though.  Like yesterday, my extra smiles, extra talk, and showing my personality can indicate that I *might* be interested in these guys talking to me and that is not my intention.  I'm just so dang happy right now with this new guy and how he is treating me, it kinda glows right through me and comes out through my personality.

Random Act of Kindness

I thought I would share this random act of kindness that I will never forget it. It may seem minor, but it was an amazing gesture of kindness.

I was out for lunch with about 20 coworkers - some visiting from other cities, some from my office. As we walked out of the restaurant, we had to wait for the others to pay for the lunch.

A parking meter police guy was walking around, checking the meters. Well, one of the meters was expired.  As the cop walked toward the expire meter, one of the guys in my group walked up to him and asked if he could put coins in the meter, and the cop said yes.

My coworker didn't know who owned the car, but he put in 50 cents and saved this "unknown" guy from a parking ticket!

I admit I was in complete shock. Why didn't I think of that? Why didn't anyone else in the group think of it? The rest of us stood there watching the cop start to write a ticket, but this coworker walked right up and helped out a stranger.

Because we had to wait so long, eventually the guy who owned the car came out and he was told what happened and he thanked my coworker.

I know it really seems minor, but it was awesome. And, this happened about 2-3 years ago.

Reason, Season, Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need.

They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support,

To aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.

They may seem like a godsend and they are,

They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,

this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.  

Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire

fulfilled, their work is done.

The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.

They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.

They may teach you something you have never done.

They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.

Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons,

things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.

Your job is to accept the lesson,

love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other

relationships and areas of your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

This poem may help us see why some people leave our lives, but I think it fails to remind us that we. ourselves. may be a reason or season in someone else's life.  If you are no longer in someone's life, there is a reason - maybe you fulfilled them with what they needed at that time and it was time for them to move on.  Don't take it personal.  It just goes both ways - be thankful, don't be hurt.

I Really Don't Think They Care

"You wouldn't worry so much about what people think of you if you knew how little they did."

Saw that quote the other day.  And it reminded me.... I try to tell my a good friend of mine that no one cares what she looks like, everyone is too worried what they themselves look like!

She is consumed with how she looks (what she wears, how her makeup looks, wears wigs sometimes, worries about her skin, etc.) and seems to care what people think way too much imo.

She doesn't listen to me, though, when I tell her everyone cares more about how they look than how she looks!

Documentary About Abuse

Not just any abuse, brutal, unfathomable abuse.  :(  I watched the HBO documentary "Every F---ing Day of My Life" over two months ago and it's still with me.

Here is the synopsis from HBO: (click on the image to enlarge)

The documentary shows no abuse - there is no footage of the abuse.  You only hear from the Mom and sons how the father abused them.  Yet, it's still so riveting; heartbreaking; despicable; tough to hear; brutal.  It makes me sad and depressed to think just how awful they had it for all those years.

Here is someone else's comments from another blog, that explains my thoughts and feelings better than I ever could:

"I recently viewed the documentary Every F---ing Day of My Life and I was beyond appalled. What Wendy and those four beautiful boys had to endure at the hands of that sick, psychotic twist. Quite frankly, I'm surprised she and the children lasted as long as they did without their lives ending at the hands of Aaron. Wendy, if you read this know that your years have not been spent in vain, because despite the horrendous abuse you and your children were subjected to, you did something right---it's clear that you adore your children, they adore you and they adore one another. How you were able to sustain to keep such a powerful love alive is amazing to me. God bless you and your beautiful boys."

Achmed Makes Me Laugh!

I love vids that make me Lough Out Loud! Like this one:

My Favorite Frasier Scene!

This 6 minutes of Frasier makes me laugh out loud!

My Favorite Joke!

(I LOVE this! hehehe)

Men and Women Dating

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward ... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: ... so that means it was... let's see.... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means ... lemme check the odometer ... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed- even before I sensed it-that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a darn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a darn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have ... Oh my, I feel so ..." (She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that ... It's that I ... I need some time," Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says. (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes." (Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think
about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours.

In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"


I lost the exact wording to this joke for many years, but came across it finally in the collection at www.usaone.net/jokenet/jokes.asp

One of My Favorite Cartoons

Mistakes

"It is better
to make new mistakes
than it is to
repeat the old ones."

(easier said than done!)

Way Back When...

I love the website Way Back Machine at http://www.archive.org/web/web.php.

It somehow, magically, can pull up websites from the past - and you can see what they look like AND check out the info on the website from back then. I use this "search engine" sometimes when I am looking up info that can no longer be found from a website that is no longer available. You know, the dreaded, "Server no found" when you try to pull up a website sometimes:


Well, type in the name of the "missing" website onto the WayBackMachine website, and it will show you the website anyway! Even if it's been several years.

Ahhh..... the Internet!

Ticked

I got ticked off the other day. I needed it. I was being blind and stupid. Now I have more strength to fight the stupid urge to be pathetic.

I am glad I got upset/mad/ticked. At first the feeling was hurt and upsetness. But now I seem a little numb and not caring and that's what I needed to stop being so blindsided.

About darn time I might add.

I needed this kick in the pants, even though it hurt what I found out. It's okay though - I am stronger than I think. And this was so needed because I was tired of being pathetic. Let's face it, it's embarrassing and forces us to have low self esteem.

Confidence is what I like to feel and I was lacking in that I think. Why does one act pathetic otherwise? I don't like that side of me.

King Kong

My Dad told me I would like King Kong. He kept telling me to watch it. I finally did watch it - after he passed away almost three years ago, I watched his DVD of it on New Year's Eve in his room. He was right - the special effects in that movie are AMAZING! The sound effects were awesome as well!! (I'm starting to see a theme here - good visual special effects accompanied by awesome sounds/noises really entice my liking of a movie).

If you haven't seen the movie, I recommend it. I realize it came out a few years ago, but a friend of mine told me last night he had never seen it (even though it was playing on cable, too). I was shocked!

The river scene with that big fish monster! The T Rex's against King Kong is truly spectacular! I don't like the insect scene, but the special effects of the animals is truly something to witness.

I was very impressed, also, with Naomi Watts. She should be in more movies - btw she was perfect in this movie! Also, Jack Black is funny in this movie and Adrian Brody was awesome in his role!

I will fully admit, though, I have yet to see the ending of King Kong. It was on again this weekend and before the ending I turned the channel. I know KK dies. I know it will make me cry. I know.... I'm weird.

Avoiding Hurt, Hurts

I've been struggling for the last few weeks with honesty.

Why can I not fully tell someone the truth because I'm so afraid to hurt them?

You'd think after all the leadership classes and life experiences that I would know how to word things in a way as to not hurt people. At least not hurt them as bad as I could without thinking about my wording first. Instead, I have been just avoiding situations.

I haven't been telling people the true reason for some things, and I feel bad. You think I could accept not hurting my friends - I mean, who wants to hurt anyone? But lately it has taken it's toll on me. Instead of hurting my friends with words, I have hurt them by NOT telling them reasons for my behavior. It's been a pretty rough time with this lately. I think if this happened once every two years or something, maybe it wouldn't weigh on me so much, but in reality, since last November "this" has started and then it happened again in Jan and full force in May and July.

I still sometimes think maybe I made the right decisions because what I should have told them really would have hurt them. But in reality, I have hurt some of my friends already without even speaking to them the whys of my actions and nonactions.

I lost some friends along the way. All because I don't want to hurt them.

In other situations, I avoid so much wanting to share my true feelings because of embarrassment and not wanting to share the truth, that I continue to not say things.

Over the weekend I expressed all this to a friend and they told me "you are okay and still a good person." But am I really? Some hurtful words are truly pointless to ever say, but other words could help people. Of course other times it's to save face.

Struggles.

Hurt.

Pain.

Reflection.

I wonder if maybe I am thinking a lot more about this lately not only because I have been avoiding hurting my friends, but also because I have witnessed full force people being completely honest about things. Saying it like it is. I mean, the words they are saying are very open and they are being friends by saying things. But I have to admit they aren't just spouting off things AT me.

Other things I have witnessed are people on the internet not afraid to say things; to anyone. It's such a weird thing for me to see - hurtful words in front of everyone. People saying exactly what they think; being rude and crappy. I don't get it. Does anyone not think of how their words affect people. Empathy? Care? Hello?

People have told me 'saying it like it is' helps others and helps me. Well, maybe that's true because lately this is one of the things I have been struggling with. :(

Isn't the Answer Obvious?

There is a headline over at People.com: "Would You Watch a Reality Show About Bristol and Levi?"

Um, not only no, but heck no. Seriously? That's a serious question? OMG....

So, I checked out the results of the poll, and I'm not alone! Out of like 15,000 votes, 27% think they'd be 'fun to watch,' while us other 73% say they are not interesting.

I'm Still Her... :(

I had a rough weekend. Lots going on with me internally. I found out some things about myself that I am not proud of. Without going into specifics, I found out I am the female I never wanted to be anymore. I found out that all my "talk" of not being that person, was really still deep inside me and came out of me this past weekend in an ugly way.

Bottom line - I can't control my emotions still. Even when I KNOW not to say something to someone, even when I KNOW it's not the right time to express how unhappy I am, I still do it... and I did it this past weekend.

Why can I not wait sometimes? Why do I sometimes have no control over expresing my hurt emotions? I sometimes just HAVE to express my disappointment or hurtfulness even when the time is not right. Even when I'm fully aware "Don't say anything right now..." I still sometimes do it.

It was a very tough realization that I am still that person I was in my 20s. Very disappointing.