How Am I Doing?

Well, just simply, ok.

It's been three weeks since my Dad passed. I have a lot of friends - I'm very lucky and blessed. I have also been dissapointed about some things, but not everyone knows how to handle death, including myself or my Mom.

Each day brings new challenges, ups and downs, roller coasters, etc. Each day brings tears, the mornings and evenings are the worst times for my Mom and I.

I have enjoyed teleworking, but want to get back to work to get some hugs from some friends and be sitting at my desk. I don't know how work will go - I'm sure the first few days will be tough with everyone asking how I am doing. I plan to try and be out each night, somehow, doing something, this week. Monday will be a tourney, I'll practice at least one other night (maybe two?) and then maybe dinner with a friend or two if they are available - just to get out and do something so I wont be at home, thinking... even though I'd love a home cooked meal.

I will try and leave San Antonio tomorrow - it's going to be tough to leave my Mom alone. So tough. The biggest fear for both of us is if she has an emergency and I cannot get here in time. We are also worried about her suffering. Emphysema is a terrible disease and I hope she goes peacefully one night due to something else, than drowning trying to breathe. We are both so scared of that. If am emergency occurs, there is no one here to help her. She wont move in with me, doesn't want to burden me and Tony. I don't think she needs to move near me yet, though. She is doing okay, except her breathing is real bad - worse than I've ever seen it and she said last night her lungs hurt.

We have butted heads this week, but mostly because I try to help too much and don't understand her side of things because I can't read her mind and also don't understand grief, I guess. I am just trying to get things done (bills, paperwork, going through things, etc.) and although I think she appreciates my help, it makes her feel bad that I am doing so much. It makes her seem like I am implying she can't help or do things herself. For me, I am just one to get things accomplished, no matter what the situation. I don't realize it may be hurting her feelings. It's an enlightening experience.

I did get a lot done the last three weeks... lots of letters written to companies, bills taken care of for both my Mom and Dad, going through things in the house, cleaning, and running errands.
My Mom misses my Dad SO much. I keep finding letters he wrote to her or me and he loved us so much. The last six months him and I got along better than the last 25 years. I am so glad! But, that makes me miss him more.

My Mom is so depressed and upset... it's going to be so difficult to get in my car and drive away tomorrow... but I will be back after a tournament next weekend. But then I will be gone for four weeks. That is going to be so tough.